Chapter Text
When Lilith walked through the door, a halo of golden light accompanied her. Lucifer couldn't believe his eyes. He thought he was dreaming all over again. She looked just like her old pictures… And he was wearing an oversized turtleneck sweater covered in ducks and no pants…
Snapping his fingers, he instantly changed into his ringleader regalia. She definitely saw his original outfit, but maybe she was just as stunned to see him again that it didn't matter.
"Y-You're back- Oh my gosh! Charlie! Charlie!" Lucifer ran toward his wife, stopped, ran in the direction of Charlie's room, stopped, then ran toward his wife again, "Y-You're really here, aren't you!?"
"Yes. It's me."
"This- This is-" Lucifer took her hands and nearly broke out into song; that is until he noticed she wasn't wearing her wedding ring anymore.
Taking her hands gently back, she touched his face and smiled kindly, "Where's Charlie?"
"Uh huh. Yeah. Uh Charlie, she-"
"Mom!" The girl in question cried out from the top of the stairs.
Without another word, Lilith walked past Lucifer and embraced her daughter at the bottom of the stairs. Charlie immediately broke into tears, squeezing her mother so tightly it would have blown a less powerful soul up.
"It seems I am no longer the only one in the hotel who is completely bored by you."
Lucifer flinched, his mood instantly worsening at the sound of Alastor's voice.
"Lilith is just being a good mother, checking on her baby first. I love that about her."
"Perhaps she's come to take Charlie and leave you for good."
"N-Not even. She told me she'd be gone for a while and now she's back. As soon as she's done with Charlie, we'll be inseparable like before. You'll see."
"For your sake, I'll pretend to believe you."
"Don't go doing me any favors."
"Then I won't! Haha!"
Alastor strut past him with a giddy lightness of foot. He walked right up to Lilith without a shred of fear, extended his hand, and introduced himself. Charlie gushed, pulling him closer to her side as she yammered on and on about the hotel.
Lilith listened politely. Lucifer kept waiting for her to glance back at him, give him some kind of sign she was happy to see him. But when she never did, his heart sank.
"No one knows she's here so I need everyone to swear to secrecy until the big party!" Charlie announced at the next staff meeting.
Angel raised his hand, "So, where is Lilith now?"
Charlie did a little happy danced, gushing, "My room! She's in my room! And tonight, we're gonna stay up super late talking and hanging out! Ah! I'm so excited! Oh no- Vaggi, I forgot to ask-"
"It's okay," Vaggi said, kissing her girlfriend on the cheek, "I know what this means to you. I'll stay in one of the guest rooms. You have fun with your mom tonight."
"Well, you can still come-"
"Bond. I can formally meet her in the morning."
Charlie threw her arms around Vaggi and thanked her, telling her she loved her. Lucifer thought it was a sweet sight… and yet his stomach flipped. Lilith was back. Charlie was happy. They were going to be a family again. So why did he feel so weird?
His gaze wandered past the girls to Alastor, who looked like he was completely spaced out. This was definitely his fault. That red bastard loved messing with him. All that crap he said earlier was just to make Lucifer insecure for his entertainment! Well the joke's on him, Lucifer was insecure all of the time anyway. So there!
"Husker, you're on drink duty," Charlie declared.
"Where else would I be?"
"Niffty, make sure the grand hall is spotless."
"I won't leave a single blood stain behind!"
"Vaggi and I will be in charge of decorations. Alastor-"
"Will be in charge of the entertainment, of course," he rose to his feet and spread his arms out wide, "It will surely be the revelry of the age! A cacophony of sound and lights and far too much champaign!"
"And I can-"
Alastor quickly cut Lucifer off, "Your services won't be needed."
Lucifer fumed, but his daughter quickly got between them, "Dad, of course you can help. You can… um…"
Alastor didn't bother to hide his laughter, "Charlie, dear. Don't burden yourself with unnecessary tasks. Today is one for celebration. You leave all the menial delegating to yours truly."
"Are you sure?"
"Hey! I am not-"
Alastor cut Lucifer off once again with a practiced and cruel ease, "Certainly. Now, run along. If there's one thing I know about mothers, its how they long to dote on their children. You don't want to leave her wanting a minute more."
"Thanks, Alastor! Alright guys! Meeting adjourned! If you have any questions, I'm leaving Alastor in charge!"
She tore off, dragging her girlfriend off behind her. Lucifer's eyes narrowed while Alastor's smile only widened.
"Lucifer~"
"What?" He growled.
"You'll be on clean up duty."
Lucifer's horns burst free and his eyes burned as red as fiery coals. Six glorious wings sprung from his back and his claws sharpened and elongated. He couldn't harm sinners but nothing was going to stop him from trying in that moment.
Alastor tilted his head cutely, completely unbothered by the display, "It's a very important task. And it's for Charlie. You'd do anything for her, wouldn't you? Or shall I tell her you do not wish to help anymore?"
Lucifer deflated, slowly transforming back into his usual shape, "I'll clean."
"Good fellow! Now then, meeting adjourned! Back to work everyone."
He clapped his hands and skipped away. Niffty scurried off as if nothing had happened. Meanwhile Husk and Angel were left remaining in their chair at a loss for words.
Lucifer stared at the wall for a moment, weighing his options. Should he kill himself now or kill himself later? No, wait. He didn't have to kill himself anymore. Lilith was back!
Hmm…
"Cat."
"Yeah?" Husk slowly rose to his feet, offering a hand to Angel.
"Drink."
"Sure. What-"
"Drink."
"Right away."
The three of them made their way to the hotel bar where Husk made quick work whipping up a Shlongisland Ice Tea. It was like a Long Island, but somehow more alcoholic. And it came with a little gummy schlong floating on top.
"Can I have the dick?" Angel asked.
"Help yourself."
Angel took the gummy and chowed down, ordering a daiquiri. Lucifer stared into his drink, watching the ice clink for a second, then downed it. He nearly threw up, but managed to keep it down. He was the King of Hell after all. This glass of basically nail polish remover was nothing compared to him.
"Another."
"Jeez. It's barely noon. Don't ya have king stuff to do?" Angel asked.
"Ain't you drinking too?" Husk asked playfully, shaking up a fresh drink.
"I work nights. We are not the same."
"Sip this one," Husk said, "And maybe make sure Charlie doesn't see you. You know how she gets."
"Don't worry. We won't see Charlie for the rest of the day," Lucifer said, sipping his vile beverage, "Or Lilith for that matter."
"Trouble in paradise?"
"No… Yes… I don't know," Lucifer sighed, taking another big sip, "Can you keep a secret?"
Husk eyed Angel and it was obvious that whatever was said to one of them would be repeated to the other. They were both there, so technically this wouldn't be repeated. Maybe they actually could help him?
"Since you guys are together and all," he started only to get quickly shut down by the cat and spider.
"We're just friends!"
"For real? But you're always talking about fucking each other and blowing kisses?"
"Jokes."
"We have a fucked up sense of humor."
"Oh…"
Angel adjusted awkwardly in his seat while Husk started polishing an already clean glass. Lucifer looked between the two of them, searching for something. Just as quickly as an idea started forming in his head, it disappeared. So he shrugged and sipped away.
"I hate Alastor."
"Join the club," Husk said.
"This is all his fault."
"Usually is," Angel agreed.
"Lilith still loves me. She's just busy. That's all."
His drinking buddies shared a look that he didn't have the awareness to read into. He just kept on sipping.
"Why doesn't this hotel have swirly straws?" Lucifer mumbled to himself.
"What did Alastor say to you?" Angel asked.
"He said Lilith is bored of me. Normally, I'd just ignore him… But she wasn't wearing her wedding ring either. Sure, I've had thoughts over the last few years, wondered if we were still even married. But she came back. That's proof. Everything's fine and I'm just being dramatic. Right?"
That last question came out more like begging than he meant it to. Embarrassed, Lucifer reattached his face to his cocktail only to sip up air once again. He looked at the bartender with pleading eyes, who nodded solemnly, shaking away.
The next drink he presented to the king was pink and sweet with a swirly straw. Lucifer instantly perked up, sipping and kicking his legs happily from the high chair.
"Why don't ya make her jealous?" Angel offered.
"I can do that?"
"I don't know," Husk leaned against the bar, "This is a marriage, not one of your scenes."
"Hey, Val's a shit writer, but fictions rooted in some kind of reality. Even if it's stupid, it's gotta come from somewhere if it's gonna be believable. I'm not saying he's gotta get walked in on fuckin', but maybe he could lead her on a bit? Find someone to light a match under her ass and force her to act."
"Where would I find someone like that?" Lucifer asked, not fully understanding the plan.
"Shit, I could do it for you," Angel grinned, leaning in seductively, "But my services don't come cheap~"
Lucifer choked on his drink, scooting away a little bit, "Maybe this is a bad idea."
"Of course it's a bad idea," Husk said.
"That's why it's a good idea!" Angel beamed.
"No, you're one of Charlie's guests. What if this messes with your path to redemption? I'd rather avoid hurting Charlie again."
"If you're that against it, you shouldn't do it," Husk said, "Try talking to your wife."
"But what if she's not my wife anymore!? Worse! What if she is my wife but doesn't wanna be my wife anymore!?"
"I'll play house with you," Angel pat his shoulder supportively.
"I have to go," Lucifer said, hopping down onto wobbly legs, "Woah, I feel great. Why don't I drink all the time?"
"You should go to your room and sleep this off," Husk said.
"I can walk ya, if you want?" Angel offered.
Lucifer's lips curled into a goofy smile, "Nah. I wanna stumble around a bit. This is fun."
"Okay, just make sure you do it where no one can see ya," Angel said, "It might make the hotel look bad if you puke on yourself and people see."
"Good point! I'll head to the shittiest part of the hotel where no one will look for me!"
"Or you could head to your room…"
Lucifer wandered off, all the lights of the hotel spinning around his head in a kaleidoscope of good vibes and warm cheeks. The hotel was actually very beautiful after the remodel. He never took the time to appreciate it. Was he happy just now? Holy Hell, he didn't need pills or therapy or touching grass. He just needed a stiff one to set him right.
"Heh heh, a stiff one," he laughed to himself. "I guess that wouldn't be too bad. But who? Do I even know anyone? Do I talk to anyone other than Char-Char?"
He tried to focus his dizzy thoughts. If he disassociated and walked out of his body, he could see who he talked to the most. There had to be someone believable? He had to have at least one friend who could help him out. But who? Who would help him make his wife jealous without hurting Charlie's feelings?
He was in front of Alastor's door before he realized. But then, he'd been heading there all the while. He gulped, the feeling of the doorknob in his hand sobering him up a little.
Alastor could help him. Alastor could help anyone, but would he help him? He was part of the hotel, but he often did whatever he wanted. And it usually worked out well enough. Charlie forgave him constantly. That was annoying…
"This is a bad idea. But that's what makes it a good idea."
Turning the knob, he let himself in without knocking. The room was normal enough at first glance, but when he looked deeper inside, there was a whole bayou, complete with fireflies and trees with low hanging branches.
"Alastor?" He knocked on the doorframe, taking a step in.
When no one answered, he thought he should leave. But curiosity got the better of him. And he did own the hotel, so technically this room was his too. Sure. Sound logic. That'll hold up in court.
Carefully closing the door behind him, he wandered in deeper, passing by the usual furnishings; a desk, a bed, a cuck chair. There was some radio accoutrements here and there, but the majority of that stuff would be in his radio tower. Lucifer had never been in there either. Maybe he'd explore it next.
The floorboards changed beneath his feet, creaking and softening until they broke off completely at the water's edge. Funny how the room didn't really smell like swamp until you were in it. He listened to the creaking of the bending branches and appreciated the humid breeze on his face. The fireflies blinked and he held out his finger for one to land on.
"You lonely too?" He asked the little bug.
"If you're looking for company, this isn't the place to find it."
Lucifer jumped, falling into the water and sinking. He flailed around a moment before his natural buoyancy forced his body back up to the surface. He gasped, choking on the water, sobering up a little more to his dismay.
Alastor glared down at him, smile wide and menacing. Right. Lucifer couldn't do anything to him, but Alastor could probably hit him a few times. Not that it would hurt. Would it hurt? He'd never been hit by Alastor before. After all that shit with the TV guy and the mega death ray, he wasn't keen to find out.
"I was looking for you!"
"And when you saw I was not here, you should have left."
"It's an emergency!"
"All the more reason. What do you want?"
Lucifer was about to ask when the stupidity of the plan really dawned on him. Ask Alastor to fake date him to make his wife jealous? What the fuck was he actually thinking? He wasn't thinking. He's never thinking. No wonder he was useless and no one liked him.
Was it too late to try and drown?
Fuck it!
Chugging the bog water for courage, Lucifer hacked, and asked away.
"Please, Alastor. I'll do literally almost anything. I'm desperate and you're the only one I can turn to. I mean it. Almost nothing is off the table so name your price!"
Alastor arched an eyebrow, "What do you want?"
Shit. He forgot to ask.
"I need you to sort of maybe kind of fake being in love with me."
"There are gators in those waters."
Lucifer shrieked, trying to claw his way back up onto the floorboards only to fall back in, "I'll fake being in love with you too! It'll be embarrassing both ways!"
"Why on earth would you ask this of me?"
"I don't know how Lilith feels about me! And that stripper guy said this would get her attention! It would just be until I know how she feels about me! And I'll even own up to it at the end so only I'll look like a total loser when this is over!"
"This is more pathetic than I thought you capable."
"Please! There must be something you want? I'll get it for you! I'll do it for you! Name it!"
Alastor crouched down, his smile softening as he extended a hand. Lucifer took it and he was pulled out of the water with ease. With a teasing, handsome smile, Alastor said but one word.
"You."
Lucifer blushed, his heart suddenly pounding, "Y-You want me? R-Really?"
Alastor let go and Lucifer fell back into the swamp spectacularly, "Hahahaha! No, you idiot! I-I can't believe- Hahahaha- That you could get even easier to toy with! Ha!"
"I will fucking kill you when I get out of here!"
Alastor crouched down again, "Angelic power. Give me yours and I'll play along with this humiliating charade."
Lucifer considered backing out. Alastor and great power were not a good combination. Then again, as long as he didn't use it against Charlie or the hotel, did it really matter? He didn't give a shit what happened to the sinners. If Alastor went ahead and cleansed them all- No, that would get in the way of the hotel.
"What for?"
"Do you honestly need to know?"
"You can't use it to hurt my family or the hotel or anyone in the hotel."
"I wouldn't dream of it."
"And no exterminations. If you do plan to kill a bunch of people, it has to be in a way that Charlie has no idea I gave you the power to do."
"I can abide by that condition."
"And… And… Uh…"
Alastor's smile was the kind that attracted flies. Lucifer would have to get used to looking at it. Shit, he'd even have to start to like it if he was going to pull this off.
"Can you really do this? Don't you hate me?" Lucifer asked.
"I don't hate you."
Lucifer blushed again and he hated himself for it.
Alastor spoke kindly, "I'd have to have the slightest care for you to hate you."
"Yeah, well I hate you and I don't care about you."
"It's a start," Alastor extended his hand one more time, "Do we have a deal?"
Bad idea. Stupid idea. The worst idea he'd ever had.
"Deal."
When their hands clasped, they were both enshrined in a golden light of pure divine energy. It swirled around Alastor, all of his markings revealing themselves, his hair standing up on its end. He tightened his grip on Lucifer, as if that would make this feeling last longer, grant him even more power. Then the magic settled and Alastor looked somewhat normal again.
He raised a hand to his chest and left it there for a second, his smile widening. He turned away, stepping toward his desk. Lucifer had no idea what the hell he was looking at, but he took the chance to finally climb back into the main room.
Alastor panted, holding his face, then grabbing his hair. He looked overwhelmed. But with that damn smile, it was hard to say definitely what was happening.
"You doing okay?"
Alastor twitched his head in Lucifer's direction. It was so fucking creepy. It was like he'd completely forgotten there was someone else there. Smoothing down his coat and adjusting his tie and bangs, he looked back at Lucifer with his usual sad excuse for charm.
"Perfectly. You'll have to forgive me. It was more of a rush than I was expecting."
"I guess we're in cahoots now. We should make a plan-"
"Just be yourself, dear. I'll handle it."
There he went, cutting Lucifer off again. He was always doing that. It was so irritating. But Lucifer would have to get used to it. If he blew a fuse every time Alastor pissed him off, then he'd have made this horrible deal for nothing.
"At least let me in on the plan."
Alastor placed a hand on his wet shoulder, walking the both of them to the exit, "You're not a very good liar, especially in front of your daughter and I suspect your wife. If you want this to work, you're going to have to trust me."
"I'm regretting this already."
"Fret not. You're in entirely capable hands. I am first and foremost a performer."
"I guess that makes me feel a little better."
"Splendid. Now get out." Alastor pushed him into the hall, "You're dripping all over the carpet."
"But you don't have-"
The door slammed in his face and Lucifer frowned. When he heard a small gasp, he spotted Niffty a ways down the hall staring at him with her big, unblinking eye. Speaking of sinners he couldn't get a read on… Raising a hand awkwardly, he tried to tip toe away from her. But she just rushed him.
"You're making a mess!"
Hoisting him over her head, she tore off with him and he screamed all the way.
She carried him off to his personal floor and plopped him in his massive bathroom. With her grabby hands and off putting smile, she slowly started to reach for him.
"Clean~ I must clean the bad boy~"
Lucifer gripped onto his muddy shirt for dear life, "Ah! No! Please! I have a family!"
"Just a little clean~"
"I can clean myself!"
Niffty instantly turned cute and nodded, "Then I'll just run the bath for you! Would you like bubbles or salt?"
"B-Bubbles?"
"Excellent choice, sir!"
She dutifully filled the bath and laid out fluffy towels and his robe for him. Then she place a rubber ducky into the water. She was freaky as fuck, but a decent employee he supposed. When she was down, she gave him one last leering look before leaving.
Disrobing, he sank into the warm bath water and relaxed for the first time all day. Maybe all week. Watching the steam swirl up to the chandelier overhead, the silence of the room started to bother him. Maybe he should have let her bathe him. No, that was a low he wasn't ready to hit.
Sinking deeper into the water, he thought about how stupid and worthless he was.
Why did he make a deal with Alastor? Did he seriously prefer that to confronting Lilith?
…
"I'm such a loser," he groaned, completely submerging.
That evening, Lucifer returned to the bar. There were a few other sinners around, but the spider sinner got a seat cleared for him. He sighed, ordering another one of those mysterious sweet drinks from before.
"Want me to make it a double?" Husk asked.
"Just make it normal. I'm disappointing enough without falling over myself."
"That's the spirit," Angel said.
Lucifer sipped away. Maybe he'd get drunk and go right to sleep. That would be nice. He just wanted the day to be over already.
That was when the sinner to his left got yanked back out of his chair by the neck and thrown to the ground by a tentacle. Alastor hopped over the quivering soul and took his seat with a grace that was normally reserved for royalty. He might as well. He basically was now, not that anyone else knew.
"Sazerac."
"Coming right up."
Lucifer looked around nervously. He didn't know what he was expecting and he was annoyed with himself for wanting something to happen. But Lilith was nowhere to be seen, so of course nothing was going to happen. He relaxed a little. One more drink and he'd make his grand escape.
"You look terrible," Alastor grinned, nursing his cocktail.
"No thanks to you."
"Blaming little old me, again? What have I ever done to you?"
"Hey, no fighting at the bar," Husk said, pointing to a sign Vaggi had set up.
"You'll have to forgive me, Husker. He's just so cute when he gets all riled up."
Everyone did a spit take. Did they hear that right? They couldn't have. The Alastor they knew would never say something like that.
Lucifer knew it was an act, but his heart did a flip anyway. When Alastor met his gaze, his face heated up and he plunged his head into his sweet drink, hoping it would cool him down.
"If you want me to stop, you can't be so shamelessly endearing."
"What the fuck is happening," one of the sinners whispered to another.
"Honestly," Alastor retrieved a handkerchief from his coat pocket and held Lucifer romantically by the chin, wiping the droplets of alcohol off his face, "You're always yelling at me to leave you alone but then you act so helpless when I'm near. I can't leave you alone, can I?"
Lucifer let Alastor have his way with him. He didn't know what else to do. On the one hand, he was actually pulling off being kinda charming. On the other, Lucifer hadn't been touched so gently since even before Lilith left.
"Y-You're being nice to me," he said dumbly.
"I'm bored of keeping secrets. Let's just come out with it. This will all be so much more entertaining."
The surrounding sinners whispered among themselves, a wave of questions arising. They were buying it. Alastor was actually fulfilling his end of the bargain. This was good. Lilith not being there made it a little more believable. This might actually work!?
"Alastor, let's discuss this in private."
Alastor's smile twitched and Lucifer could tell his fake lover was trying so hard not to laugh at him. Lucifer took a deep breath to collect himself and then he put on his best smile.
"We can take this back to my room."
"Very well."
The two of them walked toward the elevator, the lobby so silent you could hear a pin drop… At the very least, you could hear Niffty heavy breathing in perverted excitement.
When they stepped inside, Lucifer hit the close door button right away. When there was just barely enough peeking room, he took a fast step toward Alastor and stopped just in front of him. When the elevator door shut, he took a step away again.
"What was that?"
"Leaving something for the imagination," he said, "You laid it on pretty thick, Al."
"Alastor."
"Alastor."
"You seem in higher spirits than before."
"I've decided I don't care what anyone thinks anymore. Let's put on a show they'll never forget."
"The ground work is laid. What did you have in mind?"
Lucifer pulled a rose out of thin air, "You can't go wrong with the classics."