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Flowers swaying in the wind.
The walls tower ominously over the wooden houses. The shade of the tree I lie under feels safe.
I used to say we were cattle. I used to despise the walls—the titans, because they refused to let me explore the world I was born into. The world I thought I had a right to live in.
I wish I had understood what the flashes of memory meant back then. Maybe that way things could’ve been different.
Ignorance is bliss.
Cattle are happy with what they are given. Cattle never get involved in things they don’t understand. Cattle eat and sleep until the time comes for them to leave this world.
They understand they are safe. They understand how good they have it. And so they’re happy.
I should’ve been happy with being cattle. It was a mistake to want something more in this cruel world.
The freedom I yearned for so long is an illusion. What I thought was a gift was actually a curse. I chose these shackles that I’m now desperate to get rid of.
I wonder what my younger self would say if he knew what I know now.
My memories are a mess. I see the past and present and future. All at the same time. I don’t even know what is real anymore.
Something shakes my shoulder. I open my eyes and see her over me.
Mikasa’s hair sways in the wind, as does her scarf. It takes a moment for my eyes to focus, and I look into her beautiful grey eyes.
I wonder what my younger self would say if he knew she would be the one to end my life one day.
Rubbing my eyes, I get up and sling the firewood over my shoulder. I walk with Mikasa down the hill. Away from the tree I loved to stay under for so long.
I swallow my words sadly
I’m sure they'll stay with me forever
Armin and Mikasa—their looks only fuel my anger.
I spit out my words angrily
There’s no way I’ll take them back
Jean’s screaming at me. I don’t even know why anymore.
When I make words they sound like lies
My fist is tight around Hange’s shirt. I hate how she looks at me. I hate what I’m saying to her.
I try to speak but it comes out all wrong
Historia’s mouth is covered by her hand. I don’t know why I wonder what she’ll name the baby.
Flying like an aimless bird, covered in filth
And, once again, when I open my eyes, I’m in the paths.
I truly am worthless…
My friends—if I can even call them that—are screaming at me, trying to change my mind. Still thinking I’m not beyond saving.
Mikasa looks into my eyes. Asking—no. Begging me to stay. To see reason. It pains me to see that look in her eyes.
Sometimes I wonder what my younger self would say to the person I’ve become.
The person who made Mikasa cry. The person who beat Armin to a pulp. The person who made Historia beg for me to not do what I was planning to do.
The person who brought everyone he cared about to the paths only to tell them they needed to kill him.
The person who murdered 80% of humanity—all for the sake of his selfish goal to see the world Armin had shown him.
He would probably hate me. He would try everything in his power to avoid becoming that person.
And he would make the same mistake I did by thinking fate wasn’t written in stone.
I love you, Vivi!
But when tomorrow comes
The people we once were
Will have died
Just forget I said anything at all
Because there’s nothing more to say
I am selfish.
I have always been selfish.
I would rather save my friends than the lives of so many others.
I would rather kill Hange than stop my massacre.
I would rather people—innocent people—suffer the same fate than my mother, someone who—like them—never knew why she died.
I would rather have people looking up in dread—in fear—at my titans, have them pray to a god that doesn’t exist, have them scramble for any kind of hope before putting a stop to all of this.
All for the sake of an impossible dream.
Why was my mother eaten by a titan?
Because of people like me—people who knew what they were doing but kept walking because they felt like they had no choice.
All in melting amber colors
Blood pours into a house. The titans continue their march.
A balloon falls and a caribou flies
Children cling to the closest thing they’ve had to a mother.
A bronze turkey without any legs
They pray to the deity they’ve been taught will save them. One couple accepts their fate when they see the hoard coming.
A cuckoo continues to dance
Blood.
The smell is overwhelming.
I closed my eyes long ago because I couldn’t bear the sight of what I was doing.
What I was destroying.
People’s lives. People’s dreams. People’s future.
The once lush, green plains are now littered with giant footprints stained with blood and crushed remains.
In them I see a mangled dead bird.
Birds used to mean freedom for me.
I open my eyes.
I see an entire city running away, children in arms, clotting the streets. A woman with her baby is the first to die.
Apathy still on my face.
Blood.
Blood on my hands.
Men.
Women.
Children alike.
All killed because of my desire to witness the burning water, lands made of ice, snowy plains of sand.
A world untouched by hands other than ours. A world for us to discover.
The restless report reads
“Children are vanishing from the town”
Even crying I’ll keep on singing
As a fish quietly watches me...
This isn’t the past. This isn’t the future. This isn’t anything I remember.
Something tugs at my pants. I look down. My daughter smiles at me.
The world is suddenly bright.
Paintings with the three of us on different adventures.
She runs to her mother, jumping into her open arms, laughing. Mikasa smiles at me.
With my heart broken beyond saving
I walked along with you
It all comes rushing back.
I can’t believe I decided to throw away the life I could’ve had with her.
It was so simple. We could’ve ran away together. I could’ve found some way to make Ymir remove the curse.
We could’ve had a life together. We could’ve been happy. Happy like the cattle we were inside the walls.
Happy now, because we realized that this is the best outcome. That to have dreams in this cruel world is a death sentence. Happy because we are safe. We are fed. We are loved.
Mikasa’s eyes are still looking at me lovingly.
A look she never dared to give me otherwise.
I love you, Vivi
But when tomorrow comes
I will have to say goodbye
This sleepy little town,
that has been reduced to ash
I'll leave it all behind,
I can’t take it anymore.
My eyes well up with tears when I think of what could’ve been.
I never attack Liberio.
My breath hitches.
I go back home. Everyone asks where I’ve been.
I can feel my brows knitting together.
They smile when they see me.
My jaw clenches.
Captain Levi kicks my ass. Hange—alive—smiles at me. Sasha—alive—smiles while holding up some meat.
My hand covers my mouth. I double over. My knees hit the floor—the other hand scratches at the floorboard in desperation.
Our daughter is dead. As is the future we could’ve lived together.
I clutch my shirt where my heart is. Tears stream down my cheeks but I don’t care to try to stop them.
I let out words
I felt your touch
And yet despite all that,
I said nothing at all
The calm look she gives me makes me sadder for some reason. I lift my head, and tell her the words I didn’t say while I could.
I love you, Mikasa
I love you, Mikasa
But she’s not there to console me.
But there are only goodbyes for our love
She’s there to kill me.
Flowers sway softly in the wind. My chest rises and falls slowly.
I don’t move when I feel Mikasa fall asleep next to me under the oak leaves. For I am asleep as well.
Two kids born into a cruel world trying to enjoy the small, beautiful moments it still has the kindness to offer.
My beginning is my end.
I rest under that same oak tree.
And Mikasa still sits there when she mourns.