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It’s been six months since the zombie apocalypse happened. Six months since Ha-ri's brother died. And it still doesn’t feel real. Of course, there’s nothing rational about what happened. It was straight out of a horror movie. Except that it did happen, and now there’s nothing left of Hyosan. They blew the whole city down in order to control the outbreak of literal monsters.
They spend several months in a safe zone encampment. But three months ago, they were allowed to leave. Now those who survived are trying to build their lives again. At least everyone else is. Ha-ri's parents got a new apartment, where Ha-ri lives too. They are still mourning, but that doesn’t stop them from pressuring Ha-ri. According to them, she should try to get into college.
Ha-ri had told them about the failed archery competition. Normally, she would have been terrified. But at that moment she didn’t feel anything. Her parents didn’t say much. That didn’t stop them from starting to rush her to move on. To continue her life. But so far Ha-ri hasn’t done anything.
She spends most of her time sleeping. When she is awake and alone, she hardly does anything. And when she is not alone, she is with Mi-jin. Mi-jin is the only one she can stand these days. The only one she allows to be close to her.
Mi-jin doesn’t pressure her. Sometimes they don’t even talk. They just stay in her room, next to each other. Usually they watch movies, but sometimes Ha-ri doesn’t have energy even for that. But sometimes she feels pressured. Not by Mi-jin. She doesn’t force her to do anything. It’s just that she doesn’t want Mi-jin to be bored. For some reason she chooses to hang out with her when she could be literally with anyone else, someone much more interesting than her. Pretending to focus on a movie is the least Ha-ri can do for her.
Ha-ri can’t thank her enough for the company, the simple presence that is the only thing making her feel something nowadays. But it also makes her feel guilty. Guilty because she is holding Mi-jin back. Mi-jin could move on. She has energy for it. But Ha-ri is keeping her in the gloomy bubble of hers. Dragging her down, because she is selfish.
Now she is trying to tell her to go away. Mi-jin only looks baffled and hurt for a moment. Then she just sits down on the floor, in the middle of the room.
“Did you hear what I said?” Ha-ri asks, not getting up from her bed. It’s already noon and she hasn’t gotten up. Hasn’t moved since she woke up a few hours ago. She just wishes to continue the peaceful, mindless state of being asleep, but Mi-jin barged into her room.
“I’m not leaving. I want to be with you.”
Mi-jin is stubborn, but Ha-ri likes her because of it. It’s just hard to understand why she even wants to be with her. Anyone else would have just given up. Months ago. But here she still is. And it doesn’t look like she is leaving soon.
Ha-ri takes a deep breath, trying to think about her options. She could hurt her feelings. Make her never come back. It would be better for Mi-jin. But then Ha-ri would be all alone. And she is not ready for it. She doesn’t have what it takes to let go. Because deep down she wants Mi-jin to be with her.
“I’m tired,” Ha-ri says. Like it makes any difference.
“I’ll watch you sleep,” Mi-jin answers immediately. Ha-ri finds herself smiling. Mi-jin is the only one who makes her smile these days. Not often, but sometimes.
“Unless you want to get up to eat something. I brought you food.”
Mi-jin takes her bag and pulls out the things she brought with her. Ha-ri feels dangerously close to crying, so she forces herself to get up. “Thank you,” she mumbles before going to the bathroom. After using the toilet, she stares at herself in the mirror. The sight is awful, and she even tries to fix her appearance. Mostly by just combing her fingers through her messy hair.
When she gets out, Mi-jin is still on the floor, waiting for her. They go to the kitchen together and Mi-jin prepares the food for both. Ha-ri's parents are at work, so the whole house is quiet. They don’t talk while they eat, but after it, Ha-ri thanks her. Mi-jin just smiles.
“I’m getting better at this,” she says, while cleaning the table. The food didn’t take too much of actual cooking, but still. Mi-jin had told her how she had learned to make food after they got out. It hadn’t interested her before, but the apocalypse had showed them how many skills are useful if not even necessary in order to survive.
They never talk about what happened. Or what could happen. It’s not guaranteed something similar won’t ever happen again. The possibilities are depressing, and Ha-ri struggles already enough. No, Mi-jin focuses on trying to cheer her up. Humoring her with stories or just acting funnily every chance she gets. Ha-ri is grateful for her, but she still can’t ignore her feelings. She is just taking advantage of her. Mi-jin is wasting her time.
Because Ha-ri can’t be what she needs.
“Let’s watch a movie,” Mi-jin suggests, pulling Ha-ri on the couch. Ha-ri doesn’t protest, and Mi-jin picks a comedy. Movies are something Ha-ri has started to appreciate more. There’s something she can focus on, something that will take her thoughts away. Well, at least most of the time. It’s better than nothing, when she can fully focus on it.
Mi-jin is sitting next to her, eyes glued to the big screen. She looks beautiful in the dim light coming from the screen. The room is otherwise dark and so is the scene on the television. Ha-ri won’t get caught staring at her.
Except that she does. Mi-jin turns her head before Ha-ri does. Their eyes meet. And Mi-jin grins. It makes Ha-ri's heart twist in her chest. How did it ever come to this? They would have never been friends if it hadn’t been for the zombie outbreak. But now they are, and Ha-ri can’t be content with it. She is not a good friend. She is nothing and yet Mi-jin seems to like her. Not just seems, Mi-jin adores her. It’s obvious.
Mi-jin moves closer, making the distance between their bodies smaller. She bumps her shoulder against Ha-ri's and then settles there, only inches separating between them. Ha-ri reaches for her hands, intertwining their fingers. They fit together perfectly.
These occasions of sudden closeness are not new. They started a few weeks ago. Mi-jin started to hug her, like they were some besties who had known each other since they were children.
Ha-ri didn’t respond to the first hug, but it didn’t discourage Mi-jin, who started to do it more often. Usually just to reassure her. When Har-ri cried, she held her. When Ha-ri didn’t want to get up, she came to sit next to her, hugging her. When Mi-jin was going to leave, they hugged each other.
And slowly, Mi-jin started to touch her more. Brushing her hair, caressing her arm, tapping her back and so on. Casual occasions that are all engraved in Ha-ri's memories. She has never been physically close to anyone. Hugging isn’t usual for her. Her parents rarely show her any kind of physical affection. She has never had friends who wanted to hold hands.
So now she is seeking it all from Mi-jin. Poor Mi-jin, who clearly isn’t aware how wrong this all is. If they keep going like this, something irreversible will happen. What they have can be so easily ruined. But still they keep visiting those borders, chasing lines they are not supposed to break.
Ha-ri falls asleep against Mi-jin. When she wakes up, she is lying on the couch, a pillow tucked under her head, and a blanket wrapped around her. Mi-jin is nowhere to be seen and for a moment Ha-ri almost panics. It makes her realize just how much she values and needs that girl. More than she should for sure, but can she be blamed?
Ha-ri heads to her bedroom. After placing the blanket and pillow on her bed, she goes to the bathroom. This time she brushes her teeth. It doesn’t feel like a lot, but it is. She doesn’t think much about it, but there’s a reason for it. She just won’t admit it to herself.
At least not yet.
“You mother wanted me to get you outside,” Mi-jin informs Ha-ri the moment she enters the room. Ha-ri buries her face against the pillow, wishing she could disappear instead of disappointing her. But Mi-jin once again manages to get her up and dressed. She helps her, but Mi-jin does it respectfully. It doesn’t make Ha-ri feel like a helpless child.
In the park they just walk close to each other, watching people pass by. Everyone else seems to be so busy. Ha-ri is the only one standing in place. The only one not moving forward. She is stuck in the past. And probably will be for good.
But then Mi-jin takes her hand, and she feels less lonely.
Daily walks in the nearby park become part of their daily routine. Ha-ri still doesn’t have much energy, but she has to admit that it makes her feel slightly better. It might have to do something with the way Mi-jin holds her hand while they walk.
One day Mi-jin deviates from the familiar route. Ha-ri doesn’t question it. She lets Mi-jin lead her wherever it is that she wants to go. She only stops when she recognizes the building.
“Do you want to?” Mi-jin asks. Ha-ri can see that she is hesitant and nervous. Well so is she. She hasn’t held a bow since the day they arrived at the quarantine camp. The same day when Wu-jin died.
“I don’t know.”
She has thought about it. Almost every moment she spends awake and alone, she thinks about her brother, his death and the final words he said to her. He wanted her not to give up. To keep pursuing archery. But she doesn’t know if she can. It’s the only thing she has ever been good at, but it wasn’t enough to save her brother.
Besides, when nothing means anything, it doesn’t matter what she does.
But she has missed the feeling of a bow in her hands and the way she can make the arrows fly through the air. It gives her a sense of control. Something life has never been kind enough to gift her.
“You don’t have to. I just thought you might want to,” Mi-jin says, squeezing her hand. “You could teach me too, if you wanted.”
Mi-jin knows exactly what words to choose. Ha-ri might not want to do anything for her own sake, but she could do anything for Mi-jin.
They end up going inside. At first Ha-ri just instructs Mi-jin. But when Mi-jin has had enough, she offers the bow to her. And when Ha-ri takes hold of it, she knows she is at home again.
At first, she suffers from a slight lack of exercise, but after a while it feels like there never even was a break. The arrows fly smoother and hit their target perfectly. It feels almost unreal. Like a fever dream. It doesn’t help that Mi-jin looks at her like she is the most skilled archer in the world.
Maybe for her she is.
Later at night they are both lying in Ha-ri’s bed. It’s starting to look like Mi-jin is going to stay for the night.
“Why are you with me, Mi-jin?” Ha-ri asks and moves Mi-jin’s hair away from her face. She is not talking about just today, but the whole thing. Why does she keep coming back? What does she get from this?
“You are my type,” Mi-jin jokes. She grins and bites her lip, exaggerating her words. She is obviously trying to humor Ha-ri. But Ha-ri wants a real answer now.
“Mi-jin.”
Mi-jin’a smile falters a bit. Maybe it’s the tone Ha-ri uses. She is demanding honesty.
“I like being with you. You are not telling me to go away.” Mi-jin’s answer is simple and there’s a hint of humor in her tone. It’s good, because if they take this too seriously, they might get caught in a state where they think too much about the possibilities that are never allowed to happen. Not between them.
“I did though,” Ha-ri points out.
“Well say it but mean it this time and I’ll go.” Mi-jin’s is challenging her. She knows Ha-ri didn’t mean it. Well, maybe some part of her did. She doesn’t want Mi-jin to waste her time with her. But even when she should make an effort to actually talk to her and make her leave… Ha-ri can't. And Mi-jin knows it.
Instead of doing so, Ha-ri wraps her arms around Mi-jin and pulls her closer. She is not as tired as usual. Today made her gain some energy back. But she knows it will fade away eventually.
Mi-jin presses her back against Ha-ri's chest, trying to get as close as possible.
“Can I stay?” she asks.
Now would be a good time to say no.
“Yes.”
Minutes pass by and they stay in each other’s arms. Ha-ri notices how her body relaxes against Mi-jin’s. She has been exhausted and tense for too long, but now she feels almost good.
When Mi-jin turns around, Ha-ri flinches. She thought Mi-jin was asleep by now. But clearly she isn’t. She is looking at Ha-ri with her eyes wide. Her face has certain type longing written all over her expression that can’t be mistaken for anything else than what it is.
And before Ha-ri can think too much into it, Mi-jin has leaned over and fully closed the distance between them. Their lips meet for a soft and hesitant kiss. Mi-jin isn’t sure about this and Ha-ri can sense it from the way she kisses her. But it’s a kiss nonetheless.
Ha-ri pulls away, shocked. She doesn’t say anything at first. But Mi-jin is quick to open her mouth.
“I’m sorry.”
She looks guilty, but Ha-ri is pretty sure it’s not because she didn’t want it. She is probably worried Ha-ri is bothered by it. And maybe she should be. But she isn’t, not in the slightest.
“No, I’m sorry,” Ha-ri says. She is apologizing beforehand for what she is about to do.
Before Mi-jin can ask what she means, Ha-ri pulls her into an another kiss. Their lips lock against each other like two pieces of a puzzle. It feels too right to be wrong, even when it is.
They are both girls, so this is something that shouldn’t take place between them. Ha-ri has been told by her parents how she is supposed to marry a man and have kids one day. And a decent job on top of that.
But she never wanted any of those things. They see archery as a way to get into a good college where she can study and educate herself to have a stable job. Preferably something that requires higher education and a degree.
But archery has never been a milestone for her. It’s the beginning and ending at the same time, not phase or stage to something else. She wants nothing else. Well, now she also wants Mi-jin. Which goes against anything her parents expect from her.
But a while ago Ha-ri didn’t even want to live anymore. Now she is slowly finding the joy in life again. Obviously, things haven’t just miraculously turned better. Maybe they will never be the same again. Besides Ha-ri wasn’t content with her life even before the apocalypse and the death of her brother. But she is not feeling as lost as she was right after it.
It's absurd. Life is unpredictable. Literally anything can happen. So why would Ha-ri keep living if she can’t be what she is?
Because if she is honest with herself, she wants to continue archery and be with Mi-jin. She doesn’t need anything else.
But what if she can’t be what Mi-jin needs? What if she will never get better? If they could be together, would it be fair for her? Ha-ri is holding her back. What if the dark abyss tries to take Mi-jin too? She would never forgive herself if that happened.
But instead of pushing her away, she keeps kissing Mi-jin like that’s the answer to all her problems.
They don’t talk about it. Mi-jin stays for the night and they sleep while holding each other.
After a week of secretly making out, Ha-ri stops Mi-jin before she can continue kissing her again. The days have been filled with mindless and blissful closeness Ha-ri never even dreamed of. But now that she has it with Mi-jin, she is afraid to lose it. So, she tries to make her final attempt to push her away until it’s too late.
“Mi-jin, don’t waste your life on me.” She holds her two fingers against Mi-jin’s lips.
“But I want to. Besides I’m not wasting anything with you.”
Stubborn. She really doesn’t know what is and isn’t good for her. Well, Ha-ri can’t blame her.
“It’s my fault for not letting you go before it’s too late,” Ha-ri murmurs. She doesn’t even realize she is crying until Mi-jin wipes a tear away from her cheek with her finger.
“This isn’t nobody’s fault. But if you need someone to blame, I’m the one. I wouldn’t leave you alone.”
“I didn’t want you to,” Ha-ri admits.
Mi-jin laughs and Ha-ri sees that her eyes are teary too.
“Do you want to be with me?” Mi-jin asks. It’s an important question. If Ha-ri lied to her, Mi-jin could move on from her. But Ha-ri doesn’t want that. And that’s why she tells the truth.
“Isn’t it obvious?” she asks.
“Then what’s the problem?”
“I can’t be what you need,” Ha-ri says and looks down.
“Yes, you can. I don’t need anything other than you. I’ve seen you at your worst. Did I leave? No. Because I want you.”
Ha-ri feels too emotional so she can’t answer anything for a while. When she does, she shakes her head.
“Stubborn girl.”
“Your girl,” Mi-jin corrects and smiles. And Ha-ri finds herself smiling too.
After all, she is not wrong.