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“I was a fool.”
Chan stood staring out the open window at the moon, tears threatening to spill down his face as the anger bubbled in his heart. He was grateful the boys were out so that he could finally release what he was feeling; it felt cathartic letting it rise to the surface for once instead of just suppressing it like he always did to keep the peace like the good leader that he was.
“I was a fool to think you would stay with us forever… that you would stay with me.”
He began to pace.
“I was so fucking stupid to believe you would even want to.” Chan raised his hand and chewed on the skin of his thumb. “I knew you didn't like the music, I knew that. You just needed to give me time.” Chan stopped chewing and ran a hand through his hair frustratedly, resisting the urge to tear it out. “Fuck Woojin, why didn’t you just give me time?”
He lowered his hand with a sigh and took a deep breath to calm himself but the oxygen only fueled the fire inside him.
“We just have to prove ourselves, it's not like our own personal styles were never an option.” Chan sighed. “We could have had it all, Hyung. We could have been on top of the world together. We could have been great.” Chan ran his hand through his hair. “Instead you just leave me here, on my own. How could you be so fucking selfish?”
Chan grabbed his pillow and threw it across the room in frustration, anger wasn’t really an emotion he cared to feel on a daily basis so he wasn’t entirely sure how to process anything right now.
He had so many emotions coursing through him and he didn’t want to feel any of them. He didn’t want to resent the man he loved for simply wanting a better life.
“Today was really hard…” Chan sighed as he took a seat on the window-facing side of his bed. “I saw the news.. What they were accusing you of… I wanted so badly to tell them they’re wrong; that they don’t know you- that you would never-” Chan stands up again feeling agitated. “Fuck I just want to be there for you so bad and I’m being such a coward! I can’t speak up and I can’t even call you to see if you’re doing okay. I just want to know you’re okay…” Chan sinks to the ground, the fabric of his shirt clenched in his hands for something to hold on to. “Please be okay…”
“I’m a year older now, Hyung. The company made me livestream a birthday party so that Stay could celebrate with me.” Chan bit his lip nervously and readjusted so he was sitting cross-legged on the edge of his bed. “Were you watching Hyung? I didn’t see any username that would hint you were there… It would make sense if you were being quiet though, I can’t imagine how caught up you are with everything still going on. It’s only been a month since they started talking but I don’t believe them.”
Chan bites the inside of his cheek and stares out the window.
“I know you Hyung. My lovely Hyung who would never hurt a soul.”
Chan sighed.
“We have a rule that we’re not allowed to talk about you… Did you know that? The company prohibits it even in the privacy of our dorm. There’s so many things that need to be talked about between the kids but so many things are being left unsaid because we aren’t allowed to bring you up. Meanwhile I’m over here feeling so alienated for missing you and having to suppress it all. We all loved you Hyung and maybe I can’t tell them how different my love is from theirs but I’m here telling you… I just hope this reaches you and you feel it in your heart…”
Chan blinks slowly before staring at the low-lit crescent moon, seeing the way the reflection bounces off the all glass building across from them. A tear ran down his cheek.
“We should have been able to celebrate together Woojin… All I wanted for my birthday was you.”
Chan smiled as he closed his eyes listening to the melodic sound of Woojin’s voice. The song had been on repeat since it dropped. He analyzed everything from a beat breakdown to a lyrical synthesis and even the tonal structure as well as deliverance. Every aspect of Woojin’s debut was perfect and Chan couldn’t be prouder.
Woojin had truly found his sound and overcame so many hardships to do so.
“The lyrics are so real and awe inspiring Hyung. I can really feel all the emotions in this song.”
He shouldn’t be talking with his headphones on, who knows how loud he was speaking. He couldn’t let Jisung, Changbin or Hyunjin know about his night time routine, it was somehow more embarrassing than being caught doing adult things.
Chan starts to sing along after his fifteenth listen, the lyrics reaching deep into his soul. The inspiring and motivating words hit his core as he belts the chorus, harmonizing naturally with Woojin’s voice just like they used to during studio recordings.
His heart felt full as he could almost imagine Woojin curled against him, practicing his lines over and over in Chan’s ear before getting up to record in the booth with perfect deliverance.
Chan closed his eyes with a tear falling down his cheek, trying to keep the memories at bay. “What I wouldn’t give to have just one more recording session with you Hyung.”
Chan hugged his knees, his back against the wall beneath the window to hide from the full moon. His nerves felt like they were set on fire with the amount of anxiety coursing through his body. His phone clasped tightly in his hand.
“I can’t sleep.”
He tightened his grip, his thumb hovering over the call button of his phone.
“Talking like this isn’t helping anymore… I need you here Woojin. I need to hear your voice, I need you to hold me and sing me to sleep like you used to. I need you to stay with me so that I can wake to your beautiful face but that’ll never fucking happen… Never again.”
Tears cascaded down his face, free falling to the wooden floor beneath him.
“I can’t keep holding onto you like this Hyung. It hurts so fucking much. The silence between us is killing me. I’m not strong enough to reach out to you. I can’t handle that rejection Hyung. I can’t have you leave me personally… The group was one thing but denying what we had; what we could have had…. Everything we could have been even if we had to hide it… We didn’t even get a chance to put a label on it, and yet you just expected me to give up on us without a word?”
“Well you’ve got your wish Hyung. I’m finally giving up.” Chan sobbed and dropped his phone, the call button getting hit but no connection being made, not that Chan noticed.
“I’m done.”
“It’s been four years Hyung…” A very frustrated Chan sat on the edge of his twin bed, curtains drawn in the new apartment he shares with the maknae.
He hadn’t talked to the moon in years and yet he still requested the room that received the best view of it, he couldn’t seem to help himself. Jeongin hadn’t protested, much to Chan’s relief. He needed this even if he hadn’t done it in forever, it was reassuring to have the option, his emotions had been too pent up and with everything going on he needed Woojin more than ever.
“My world is falling apart and the boys are all about to leave me. Even Felix is taking off to do solo stuff and going home to Australia for a break.” Chan’s voice cracked. “I’m going to be all alone again. No amount of producing or beach trips is going to fill the loneliness that is going to consume me.”
Chan pouted as he stared up at the full moon, he hoped that the moon being full meant it had more power to get his message to him.
“You’re coming out of the military just as soon as Minho goes in but you wont run to me and save me.”
Chan fidgets with the threads fraying on the leg of his boxers, he should have been asleep hours ago but sleep evaded him and anxiety accumulated inside him. He had years of worry to get off his chest and everything that was currently stressing him.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do when they all leave me Hyung. Watching your enlistment reel was hard enough. I imagined what it would have been like for the group to see you off, how would it have been for you to be the first to leave… I mean I guess I already have that answer but at least in this hypothetical scenario you would have come back.”
Chan groaned and rubbed his thighs in annoyance, the slight pain of his knuckles digging in enough to ground him before he worked himself up.
“You could have been back to keep me company while the others left…” Chan massaged a little harder to cut himself off from those thoughts of just the two of them alone; something he still yearned for.
Chan took a deep breath. “We’re going on one last world tour before all that happens though. I love touring but it makes sleeping even harder. I feel like the only good thing that comes from it, aside from seeing all the different fans, is the fact that I get to see the stars again.”
Chan looked up to the moon. “The moon always looks so bright when we’re away. It’s like you were begging me to talk to you… Like every time I feel like I’m drowning in my emotions the moon gets brighter.” Chan chuckled because it sounded ridiculous as he said the thought out loud. “Nothing will ever beat that night we sat on the Circular Quay benches together. The moon was the brightest it has ever been; just for us.”
Chan felt relief wash over him at the memory.
“Even after all this time you’re the only thing that keeps me sane.” Chan smiles and lets out one last sigh before climbing into bed, laying on his side so that he can still see the moon. “Goodnight Woojin…”
“I saw you today Hyung. It had to be fate… either that or this industry is so small it was bound to happen eventually.” Chan chuckled and fidgeted with the little note in his hand that he had written backstage to pass to Woojin but couldn't bring himself to. “You grew out your hair again, it looks good… like really fucking good.”
Chan ran a hand through his own hair he had been trying to grow out too.
“I feel like a coward hiding behind the safety of my room.” Chan sighed. “I could have taken the chance-” He crumpled the paper in his hand. “It was just really good to see you Hyung… I miss you so much. Even after all this time, after all the anger and the guilt, after all the self hatred and blaming both of us for you leaving… My feelings for you haven’t changed-”
“Why don't you just text him Hyung?”
Chan turned in his desk chair out of surprise to see Jeongin leaning against the frame of his bedroom doorway. He hadn’t even heard the door open; he had been too lost in ranting to Woojin- well to the moon; it would never be to him.
Chan sighed in defeat and looked back to the bright full moon outside his window. “Because at least this way I can pretend he would answer me back.”