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I still get nightmares. In fact, I get them so often I should be used to them by now. I'm not. No one ever really gets used to nightmares.
– Mark Z. Danielewski, House of Leaves
Kakashi was exhausted.
The mission he was sent to turned out to be a complete disaster. Nothing went according to plan, even his homecoming got delayed. After a few days of chasing the enemy only to get nothing in return, the only thing he wanted was to lie down in Gai’s warm embrace and fall asleep.
Of course his life was also a disaster.
He didn’t tell Gai anything, but recently his troubles with sleeping were more present than usual. Every time he closed his eyes and fell asleep, he saw faces that reminded him about how he failed in every aspect of his life. He didn’t know why sometimes the nightmares were plaguing him with more strength than usual, but it wasn’t anything new. It happened from time to time, leaving Kakashi more exhausted than he dared to show to anyone.
He also hid the fact that during those moments of his life, he was terrified of going to sleep.
When Kakashi stepped inside of their shared apartment, he let out a heavy sigh and took off his sandals. It was quiet and dark, meaning Gai was probably still training or hanging out with his team.
He slowly walked to the couch and sat on it with less grace than he would like to admit, putting his elbows on his thighs and breathing slowly. He knew he should probably shower after a few days of poor mission hygiene. But his tired body considered getting up as a chore impossible to do.
He stayed like that for a while, staring at the floor without really seeing it. The clock on the wall ticked steadily, marking time in a way that made his shoulders tense. Eventually, he leaned back against the couch and closed his eyes.
It was a mistake.
He was asleep for only a brief moment but it was enough for his mind to show him the images of all of those painful days. Blood against the dirt, bloody present. Sacrifices and screams.
Kakashi opened his eyes again and sucked in a sharp breath.
“Idiot” he muttered under his breath.
He scrubbed a hand over his face, fingers lingering there as if he could physically hold the thoughts back. He told himself he was home, that he was safe and everything is fine. His body didn't really want to listen to his reassurances, though.
Sleep tugged at him without taking any break, exhaustion weighing down his limbs, but the fear that followed it was worse. Heavy and cold in his stomach, coiling tighter every time his eyelid fluttered closed without permission. He knew he should sleep. It was important and he didn't sleep much in past weeks, and was really tired after a mission. He knew it wasn't healthy to keep himself from sleeping but what about him was healthy anyway?
He stayed upright on the couc.
The sound of the front door opening broke the silence sometime later. Kakashi recognized it immediately. The familiar rhythm of Gai’s presence filled the apartment before he even spoke.
“I’m home!” Gai announced quietly, already lowering his voice.
Kakashi didn’t turn his head, staring ahead. His vision was becoming blurry. “Welcome back.”
He could feel Gai’s gaze on him. He always looked at Kakashi like he could see everything that lay buried under layers of guilt and walls he made to survive.
“You’re back,” Gai said. “Earlier than I expected.”
“Mission ended sooner,” Kakashi replied. He left out the part about how it hadn’t ended well.
Gai set his bag down and moved closer, crouching slightly so he could look at Kakashi properly. “Are you hurt?”
Kakashi slowly shook his head. “No,” he said. “Just tired.”
Gai hummed softly. He straightened and gestured toward the hallway. “You want to shower? I can prepare everything for you.”
The thought of standing under hot water, of letting it wash away the lingering grime of the mission was really tempting. Manageable. It didn’t involve lying down or closing his eyes for too long.
“…yeah,” he said after a moment. “Yeah, I want.”
Gai smiled, like he’d expected that answer all along. “I’ll get you a towel.”
Kakashi nodded and stood up. His body protested immediately, exhaustion dragging at his limbs, but he ignored it. He was good at ignoring things.
The bathroom light was too bright when he turned it on. He winced slightly and waited a few seconds for his eyes to adjus, then leaned his hands against the sink and stared at his reflection.
He looked tired, dark circles under his eyes reminding him of every sleepless night he recently experienced.
Kakashi turned the water on and stepped into the shower, letting the heat soak into his muscles. The tension in his shoulders eased a little. He rested his forehead briefly against the cool tile and closed his eyes. It was nice to wash away the dirt and sweat from the mission, to think only about how warm water hits his body.
He stayed longer than necessary, until his skin was warm and his muscles had relaxed as much as they were going to. When he stepped out, wrapped in a towel, he felt marginally more human.
Gai was waiting in the living room when he returned, already having laid out clean clothes for him. He glanced up and smiled softly.
“Feel any better?”
Kakashi shrugged and sat down on the couch again. “A bit.”
“Alright,” Gai said after a moment. “You want some tea?”
Kakashi nodded. “That’d be good.”
Gai moved into the kitchen, and Kakashi listened to the familiar sounds of water and opening cupboards. It grounded him more than he wanted to admit. He leaned back against the couch cushions, eyes fixed on the ceiling, forcing his breathing to slow.
When Gai returned and handed him the warm mug, Kakashi wrapped his hands around it, letting the heat seep into his fingers.
“Thanks,” he murmured.
They sat together in silence. Gai watched him over the rim of his own mug.
“I thought you would be asleep already, after a tiring mission.” He said after a while.
Kakashi stared into his tea. “I don’t really feel like sleeping.”
Gai tilted his head, studying him. “Nightmares again?”
Kakashi’s fingers tightened around the mug. “…yeah,” he admitted quietly.
Gai nodded, setting down his empty mug and sat closer to Kakashi. Their knees brushed.
“Do you want to try lying down?” Gai asked after a moment. “You really look exhausted.”
Kakashi stiffened. “I–” he stopped and swallowed. “I don't think it's a good idea.”
Gai frowned slightly. “You don’t have to sleep,” he said. “We can just lie down. Rest a bit.”
Kakashi swallowed. His fingers tightened on the mug. “I know,” he said, but his voice lacked conviction. “I just… don’t really want to.”
Gai hesitated. “Rest is important, rival.” He said, glad he made kakashi smile because of the use of the nickname.
“Yeah, I know.”
“And staying up isn’t helping with nightmares,too,” Gai added, careful not to sound like he was scolding him.
“I know that too.”
Kakashi shifted on the couch, restless. Gai watched him for another second before trying again.
“I’ll stay with you,” he said. “The whole time.”
Kakashi’s jaw tightened.
“That’s not the problem,” he muttered.
Gai didn’t respond immediately, letting the silence stretch for a while.
“Kashi,” he said quietly. “You don’t have to explain it if you don’t want to. But… you look scared.”
Kakashi flinched. He shook his head once, sharp and defensive. “I’m not.”
But his hands were trembling. Gai noticed.
“Okay,” Gai said, not arguing. “Then let’s not go to bed.”
Kakashi exhaled a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. Gai watched Kakashi for a moment longer. His eyelid fluttered once, then again, before snapping back open like he’d caught himself doing something wrong.
“You don’t have to lie down,” Gai said quietly.
Kakashi glanced at him. “I know.”
“I mean it,” Gai continued. “You can stay right here. Just… lean on me, if you want.”
Gai shifted slightly on the couch, angling himself so his side was open, one arm resting loosely along the backrest.
“And if I…” He trailed off, throat tightening.
“If you have a nightmare,” Gai finished calmly, “I’ll wake you.”
Kakashi thought about it and then nodded. “okay.”
Gai waited until Kakashi’s breathing evened out just a little before lifting his hand and threading his fingers gently through Kakashi’s hair. Kakashi tensed at first, then melted into it despite himself.
They were sitting like that for a while when Kakashi’s head tipped sideways against Gai’s chest. Gai smiled to himself, happy that he made Kakashi get some rest he deserved.
Kakashi sighed quietly in his sleep, shifting closer to the warmth of Gai’s body.
And for the first time in weeks, there was no blood in his dreams. The powerful sun didn't allow it to come.