Work Text:
-But how could I have known?-
-You never said a thing-
-If you needed saving-
-Why didn't you say something?-
-I could have saved you-
If there was one person that Lily hated more than anybody else, it was Sirius Black.
Sure, she hated a lot of people. She hated dictators, and billionaires, and James Potters stupid haircut. But the only person that truly, truly got under her skin was Sirius Orion Black.
The boy seemed to think that just because he was named after a star, that automatically made him one. He was loud, and annoying, and so bloody reckless. Every other week he’d come in with a new injury, whether it be a fractured rib from a stunt gone wrong, or a black eye from a fight he’d gotten into with what he’d claimed had been super evil spies. He always had the most ridiculous stories, and Lily knew that Sirius was in no way someone incredible. He was just an idiot.
Mary found his constant injuries attractive. She’d said that all girls love a ‘bad boy’. Lily figured she must not be a girl then, because the very thought of Sirius made her want to throw up in her mouth. How can anybody be interested in somebody so idiotic?! Yet Mary didn’t believe her. She thought he was cool.
Lily had become determined to catch Sirius in his idiocy, maybe record it and prove to Mary that he wasn’t as much of a hotshot as she believed. She’d been following Sirius around for weeks with a camera, but oddly… she hadn’t seen anything. No disastrous backflips off of the school wall, no broken tree swings from going too high, nothing. But somehow, the injuries just kept coming.
Lily was pondering this as she walked down the school hall, most students long gone after a tedious day of mock exams. But as she passed the multi-gender bathroom (something she had campaigned for- it wasn’t right that the trans students should have to choose between misgendering themselves or being chased out by transphobes), a hiss of pain caught her attention.
Turning on her heel, she crept into the bathroom, peeking her head around the corner to see Sirius Black hunched over the sink. The man of the hour.
He appeared to be dabbing at his side with something, and as he pulled his hand away, Lily noticed gauze wrapping peering out from his beneath his shirt. And what was worse, a patch of dark red was leaking through, a problem Sirius was clearly trying to deal with at that moment. The cheap school toiletpaper wasn’t doing much to help though. Lily thought he likely needed a doctor.
Just that moment, Sirius looked up, and met Lilys eyes in the mirror. His posture tensed, hand moving to pull his shirt down as his eyes turned into a steaming glare. Shit.
“What are you looking at?” He growled, spinning to face her.
“Are you hurt?” She moved forwards into the room, mentally berating herself for the stupid question. Of course he was.
“No.” He muttered, hurriedly sticking the blood stained paper behind his back. Unfortunately, he had seemed to have forgotten the mirror behind him, and Lily could still see what looked to be a concerning quantity of dark red liquid on the flimsy square.
“What happened?” She queried, hand reaching out for him. Sirius flinched away, and she withdrew her embarrassingly shaky fingers.
“Nothing. Fell off my bike.” He tried to sidestep past her, but she blocked the doorway.
“Do you need me to take you the hospital?” Lily was becoming suspicious. She’d been following him, surely she’d have noticed. Maybe he really was secretly a spy?
Sirius’s eyes darted to the side, mouth tight. “I’ve already been. It’s fine. I just need to go home.” He tried to shove past her again, but let out a yelp as his injured side pressed against her small frame.
Lily reached out to catch him as he doubles over, hand flying to the wall to steady himself as his face contorted in pain. He shook her off, breathing heavy as he regained his balance and stood up, chin raised defiantly despite his glistening eyes.
“Let me go past.” Sirius could almost be described as intimidating, the signature Black scowl decorating his face. Except for the fact that he was both a child, and shorter than Lily, which was really saying something.
Lily wanted to, she really did, but she knew better. He couldn’t be allowed to walk home like this. “You know that I can’t let you do that.”
“You don’t need to look after me. I’m fine. Just let me go.” He pleaded, face breaking as he realised she wouldn’t move. “Please, she’ll be so mad if anyone finds out, just let me go.”
Sirius genuinely looked scared, and Lily furrowed her eyebrows. What was there to be scared of? He knew that his classmates adored his rebellious injuries, why would he want to keep it a secret? Whatever had happened, surely it couldn’t have been bad enough to…
Oh.
Oh.
“Sirius…” she began tentatively, “You didn’t really fall off your bike, did you?”
Sirius stared down at the floor, boot scuffing against the tacky linoleum. He shook his head.
“Who… your parents?”
“Please.” He didn’t meet her eyes. “Please, Lily. Just leave it.”
She hated Sirius. Hated him. But he didn’t deserve this. Nobody deserves this, not ever. Lily didn’t understand, it didn’t make sense. The Blacks were a respectable family. Surely somebody knew, surely somebody could help. It didn’t make sense.
“Why?” She wasn’t sure what she was asking. Why it happened. Why he didn’t want help. Why he was here, now, and not at a hospital.
When Sirius spoke, it was detatched. Emotionless, like he was stating a fact. Like it was pure knowledge, plain and simple, that he’d learned young and remembered well.
“I’m a bad child.”
Lily’s heart broke in two.
“No. No, Sirius, you’re not.”
She wished that there was a way she could make him believe it. He knew she hated him. Surely he must know she’d have no reason to lie.
Finally, he met her gaze, and she was shocked to find his eyes blazing with a mix of anger and defiance.
“You don’t know me.”
He was right about that. She may not know him, but she saw. She’d watched him so much that she knew his flaws didn’t outweigh the strengths of his soul.
“I know enough.”
Lily reached out tentatively to take his hands in hers, eyes trained on his face for signs to stop. Sirius’s eyes widened, watching her hands intensely, but he made no move to stop her. Face softening, she raised a hand to cup his face. His eyes followed, nervous. He hadn’t noticed the single tear that had escaped down his porcelain face at Lilys care, but when she raised a thumb to wipe it away, he flinched.
That hurt. Lily knew they’d never been close, but surely Sirius knew that she would never hurt him. She never wanted to be seen as the sort of person that could cause pain, never. She’d known too many to be broken by people like that. Lily swore that when she grew up, she would be kind. That’s how she knew. That’s how she could tell that Sirius, truly, was kind too.
At last, he met her gaze. Eyes glossy, he looked her in the eyes. For a moment, they just stood, close enough to feel the warmth and close enough that Lily could nearly hear Sirius’s rabbiting heartbeat. And then the damn collapsed.
Sirius fell forwards into her arms, pressing his face deep into her shoulder as he sobbed. It racked through his body in waves, tidal shakes as he leant on her for support. The sounds he made were like a wounded animal, like an otter ripped away from its friends and left to drift the ocean alone. Tears soaked through the thick fabric of Lilys school blazer, chilled against her skin. He cried, and she held him, and no matter what she felt about him, she’d do it a hundred times over.
Lily had thought that she never wanted to cause pain. It was funny how, in just a moment, your whole sense of morality could change. Sirius was strong, and brave, and resilient. To break him like that would take a monster. Lily understood then exactly what Sirius’s parents were. They were monsters.
Before bed, her father used to read her and her sister stories of monsters. Petunia had squealed until their Mother arrived to tell him off, and would hide beneath the covers the second that the word was mentioned. Lily, however, had been enamoured. Not by the monsters, but by the heroes in those stories. Those who defeated the monsters. Lily had promised Petunia that she would defend her, and Petunia had believed it. Lily had always been ready to fight away those monsters to protect those who couldn’t protect themselves. Sirius had never seemed vulnerable to her before, but at that moment, wrecked in her arms, she saw the truth. He was just a child. A child, and someone had hurt him.
They had hurt him. Lily wanted to hurt them. She wanted to throw her tiny body against them, rip and claw at their skin until they felt the pain they’d inflicted tenfold. It was a stupid idea. She could do nothing, she was a child. But oh, how she wanted to.
The sobbing began to slow. Sirius took deep, stuttering breaths, the air breaking through wet and clogged. The tension poured out of his shoulders like a river, and he unclenched the hands that had fisted into her uniform. Then his eyes fluttered open, and he gazed at Lily through heavy, watery lashes, waiting. For what? A reprimand? No way.
“You are good, Sirius.” He didn’t know this. He needed to know. “You’re loyal, and brave, and you help others. You protect. You’re a good friend to those who are lucky enough to earn your love. You deserve their love too”
He didn’t smile, but continued watching, silent.
“You deserve your parents love, too, but I doubt they are good enough to give it to you. From what I’ve seen, I doubt they have any love in their hearts at all.”
Sirius shifted, but did not object. He was listening, and Lily was thankful.
“But you deserve your own love too.” Sirius broke away then, taking a deep breath in. He began to shake his head, but Lily caught him, holding his head still. “You do. You are incredible, Sirius. Make sure you know it.”
“Thank you.” It was barely a murmur, but it was there. It had to be, she needed it to be. He had to believe her.
“How can I help?” There must be something Lily could do. He’d said nothing before, but he hadn’t trusted her then. He trusted her now. He’d let himself be vulnerable.
“You have helped.” Sirius smiled then, a real smile, not the flashy one he usually donned on the playground. “You were here.”
“But-“
“Lily.” His smile faded, and his face dulled back to resignation. “Really, you’ve done enough. Thank you.”
Her shoulders sagged. He was right. What could she do? She was just a child.
So she let him leave. She watched, forlorn, as he gathered his thing, as he adjusted his shirt over the wound and walked his way to the exit. But in the doorway, just for a moment, Sirius paused.
He turned back slowly, and their eyes met. He gave her a small, fleeting smile, and then he was gone.
The smile hadn’t reached his eyes.
The next day, it was the weekend. Lily said nothing, to no-one, but she did not forget. Yet when she arrived back at school on Monday, there was no sign of the broken boy from the bathroom. Sirius Black had returned, arrogance in full swing. He never mentioned that day again, never even acknowledged it had happened. Sometimes Lily even wondered if she had imagined it all. That day had changed her view on the world, and on Sirius, but he gave her nothing in return except lazy smirks, cocky remarks and idiotic teasing. They grew up, became teenagers, and then adults, and Lily never told a soul.
Years later, when she watched Sirius drag his little brother down the hall, matching bruises blooming across both their faces, she wondered if she could have done something that day to prevent it. If maybe, maybe, if she’d just tried that little bit harder, she could have saved them. If only she’d said something.
But she hadn’t. She’d seen the fear in his eyes. She’d seen it reflected back at her in the mirror whenever she’d even thought about trying to say something. Lily may have strong morals, and stubbornness to rival the gods, but she was scared. Scared of making things worse. Scared at how she wouldn’t be able to live with herself if she did.
Mostly, she was scared of herself. What terrified Lily was the pain that she knew she could cause, and the fact that sometimes, she really, really, wanted to.