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As he sat on the steps of the temple, Javert watched the clouds roll by. Onari filled him in on the details of recent events. The truth about Sage and the Magistrate, Adel’s madness, the capture of the Princess. It was a lot for Javert to absorb. Even if he had completely forsaken his old home and his old life with no intention to return, there were things that had always been truth and now were crumbling away.
Eventually silence fell between them. Javert had long since finished his evening meal while Onari spoke, and now neither were sure what to say. They were both afraid, and they both knew it. Onari feared for Ghost and the waning time he had remaining; Javert feared what Adel may become capable of and the dying truths he’d once known.
Finally, Javert spoke. “It looks like it may rain.” Onari turned his gaze skyward. There were clouds, and large ones, but they weren’t dense enough to be rain clouds. Onari looked to Javert to explain that clouds didn’t always immediately mean rain, but stopped himself when he noticed the concern on Javert’s face as he watched the sky. Was it trauma from the previous storm, or was it because of the things Onari had told him?
Slowly, Onari reached over and placed his hand on Javert’s shoulder. “Do you wish to come inside for the night?” For a few moments Javert gave no response, his eyes still glued to the clouds as they passed over handfuls of stars, and then slowly nodded. Onari smiled slightly, glad to have something to keep his mind occupied for a bit. He was sure that, by this time of night, everyone would have resigned to their own spaces. He took Javert by the hand and led him inside. The route was the same as the last time he’d come in, and just like before Javert ended up standing awkwardly just inside the doorway as Onari slid the door closed. At least this time he was dry.
“Make yourself at home.” Onari said gently as he walked to the closet. Javert crossed the room to the same spot he’d occupied the last time and sat. It was slightly eerie without the constant noise of the rain hitting the roof outside. He stared at the ceiling as if expecting the sound, but nothing came. He was so absorbed in the lack of rain that he jumped slightly as Onari sat beside him and spoke, “Here.” He set a small stack of folded clothes in front of Javert, “Miss Kanon brought these home for you the other day. You can change into them if you would be more comfortable.” Onari smiled as Javert just shrugged and made no move to get up. “Is there anything that you need?” Javert shook his head, his gaze still focused on the ceiling. Onari turned his head to look at the same spot. “Is there something out there?” Javert shook his head again.
“It’s too quiet.” Javert mumbled.
For several moments, Onari tried to figure out what that meant. “Because… of the lack of rain?” Javert nodded again. Onari smiled, reaching over to hold Javert’s hand just as he had through the storm. “We can talk, if that would help?” Javert shrugged. Onari smiled and continued to hold Javert’s hand. “We do not have to, I just do not want you to feel uneasy.”
“It’s hard not to after what you’ve told me about everything going on.” Javert sighed, feeling helpless in his inability to do anything about Adel or the attacks. He squeezed Onari’s hand, leaning on his shoulder. He wasn’t a soldier anymore. He wasn’t a failure. He just had to find his own path. It would take time. That was what Onari had told him.
Javert turned his head slightly, examining the monk’s face. He’d closed his eyes at some point, and his breathing was slower. Somehow Onari could still be calm, even though everything was plunging further and further into chaos. Javert closed his eyes, holding his breath for a few seconds to time Onari's breathing before focusing on keeping his own breathing paced to match. He clung to Onari’s hand, making sure their breathing rose and fell in time.
“Are you alright?”
The question startled Javert out of his concentration. He turned his head, staring up at Onari.
“I thought that because your head was on my shoulder perhaps you had fallen asleep.” Onari laughed, squeezing Javert’s hand tightly. Javert glanced away, not sure how to explain what he had been doing. “Are you sure that you do not need anything?”
Javert shook his head, deciding he was comfortable like this. “I was… just breathing.”
“Breathing?” Onari asked, clearly surprised by the admission, though Javert couldn't figure out why. Was it that strange?
“I figured if I only thought about breathing, maybe the quiet wouldn't bother me as much.” Javert mumbled, barely loud enough for Onari to clearly make out what he was saying. It took Onari a few moment to grasp what Javert was trying to explain.
Had Javert really figured out meditation on his own? He seemed oddly embarrassed by it. Onari gently patted Javert’s hand, “That is good. I am impressed that you were able to do it by yourself with no instruction. That is normally difficult for people who are unfamiliar with meditation.”
“Meditation?” Javert stared at the wall as he tried to process the fact that he was being praised. Praise was rare among Ganma. To do everything perfectly was the expected, only mistakes were ever noted. All Javert had done was make mistakes… He clung to Onari’s hand. That was behind him now.
Onari could see Javert’s distress. The more he’d begun to understand and feel emotions, the worse Javert had become at hiding them. “Meditation is a large part of the training that we do here. Even Takeru does it,” Onari explained gently as Javert continued to watch a vacant corner of the room, “It helps to clear the mind of unnecessary thoughts and worries so that you are able to focus on what is important. I am very proud of you for discovering meditation on your own.”
Javert’s mind raced over as many of his memories as it could in such short time, trying to recall the last time he had been told someone was proud of him. Nothing stuck out. It suddenly felt like there was a knot in his chest, and Javert wasn’t sure how to respond. Not knowing what else to do, Javert turned his head to press his face into Onari’s shoulder in an attempt to hide his confusion and embarrassment with very little success. Onari lifted a hand to wrap his arm around Javert’s shoulders. “It is alright. You are alright.” Onari said softly, “You are doing well. I am so very proud of you.”
There was that word again. Proud… Javert gripped Onari’s hand, keeping his head down. No one had ever been proud of him. No one had ever even shown concern for his feelings or his needs. His feelings had been unnecessary to his superiors and to the Ganma society. No one had ever held his hand or told him that he had done something well or that he was someone to be proud of.
Even now, Javert had trouble understanding Onari’s kindness, but he had come to realize it was because kindness was so foreign to him, while in this world it was just how many people seemed to be. By his observations, it may even have been the majority of people. Perhaps not all would go to the same extent that Onari did for him, but it was nothing like the world he’d known.
Everything had become quiet now. Even the dull noises of the others from elsewhere in the temple had settled to nearly nothing. All Javert could hear was Onari’s breathing and heartbeat alongside his own. His own was so much faster. The quiet was unnerving, but at least it meant that he didn’t need to worry about being found.
“I guess that it did not rain after all.” Onari laughed softly at the slightly annoyed grunt Javert gave in response. “But I am glad that you came inside. It was nice having company this evening.” He let his head rest against Javert’s. “You do not need to worry. There is nothing to be afraid of. Takeru and the others will stop whatever it is that Alain’s brother and Igor are up to. We will be safe, and so will you. All that you need to do is breathe.”
“How do you know that?” Javert tried to force himself to relax, focusing on Onari’s slower breathing and trying to once again match that pace. “How are you able to be so calm?”
“I believe in everyone here,” Onari answered honestly, “I believe in Takeru and Makoto and Alain. I believe in Akari and Miss Kanon, I believe in myself, and I believe in you. It is because of all of us that we have been able to come this far, so as long as we are all together we will be alright.”
“Why believe in me? I can’t do anything to help.” Javert mumbled, counting in his head to keep his breathing paced.
“Because you chose to live.” Onari held Javert tighter. “Sometimes just doing that much can be so difficult that it is unbearable, but you have endured. That is its own strength, and I believe in it.” Javert fell silent, able to only count the seconds to pace his breathing. How was he supposed to respond? Once again, Onari had shown him a kindness that no one among the Ganma ever had. Regardless of how hard he’d worked to be the best soldier he could, no one had ever called him strong, while Onari, whom he had done so little for, sang praises of his strength in just existing.
“You are… also strong.” Javert mumbled into Onari’s shoulder, “Even though I have hurt your allies and could have killed you at any time, even though I still could, you take me in and bring me food and believe in me as if I have always been your ally.”
Onari chuckled softly, “You are not simply my ally.” He smiled as Javert lifted his head slightly, just barely making eye contact. “You are my friend, just as much as anyone else here, and I believe in you as I believe in them. If I am strong, it is because we are all strong.”
“Then I will believe in you as well.” Javert couldn’t help smiling a little, and he was grateful that he had kept his head down so that Onari wouldn’t see it. He’d never had a friend before. The concept was strange and a little exciting. He was happier like this than he could ever remember being.
Even though Javert wouldn’t show his face, Onari could tell he was happy. He felt more relaxed and his breathing had evened out, and his voice was lighter. He hoped that soon he could get Javert to live inside with everyone, certain that he’d be able to be happier like this all the time. But this was already progress, and Onari was happy with that.