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Yongguk isn’t stupid. He’s far from stupid. He might be a bit timid at times, but never stupid. So he knows what he feels when he first lays eyes on Daehyun. There’s a magnetic force that attracts him to Daehyun instantly. Whether it was that blinding smile or the mischievous laughter, whether it was the way he strutted through the marble halls, or the immature childplay that he introduced to the company’s serious atmosphere, Yongguk knows there’s something about Daehyun that makes his life… lively, again, and he’s knows he needs to have more of it. And that’s why he makes the decision he does.
“That new intern in Human Resources.” Yongguk’s baritone voice draws the attention of the entire room. He’s a man of little words, so when he does speak, everyone listens. “He’s a good fit for the secretary position.”
The room stares in silence at the young man seated at the head of the conference table. He’s never involved himself in trivial conversation before, such as hiring a new secretary, so his sudden input was the least expected.
“You mean that Daehyun kid? Jung Daehyun?”
Jung. Dae. Hyun . Yongguk silently repeats the name in his head. There’s a warmth that spreads through his body at the thought of just his name. Yongguk knows he’s being selfish; he’s using the power he has for his own benefits. It goes against all of his morals but there’s a voice in his head consoling him; telling him it will be all worth it.
“See that his paperwork is completely processed by the end of the day. I will need him on the upcoming project.” Yongguk knows he will get what he’s asked, not because he is the heir to this company or that his workers fear him. It is simply because he has never failed his workers, so his workers should never fail him.
~ * ~
There’s a tension in Daehyun’s guts that won’t seem to go away. Ever since he received the news of his promotion from an intern to an actual employee the knot of nervousness in his stomach has only grew. His patience has finally paid off. Twenty five years of waiting for this very day, and it was finally going to happen. He was finally going to meet Bang Yongguk. Again.
His eyes squeeze shut out of excitement. Just a little longer. He presses his thick lips together tightly to keep himself from squealing. Be still my trembling heart. He takes a deep breath and lets the warmth seep from the depths of his soul. He feels the electricity flow through the tips of his fingers. Objects in his view suddenly have glowing edges. Why do the lights seem so much brighter than they use to?
He imagines how Yongguk will greet him. Will he be casual about the meeting? Or will he be as ecstatic as Daehyun? The Yongguk he knows has always been a tamed beast; excitement and restlessness sheltered by a stoic face. He wonders if this version of him will be the same as the last. His mind tangents into a million directions.
He has lifetimes of memories that are suddenly replaying across his mind.
Daehyun remembers the softness of Yongguk’s hands, the sparkle his dark chocolate eyes when he smiles his real smile, and the timbre of his low laughter that you feel in the deepest part of your body. He remembers the shy fleeting touches of those long fingers but also the protective authority he senses danger. He remembers the warm sun and the refreshing sea breeze, the wet sand on his feet and the dewy moisture building on his sun kissed skin. He remembers the thin silhouette against the setting sun, the waves crashing against defined rock cliffs and the words that bound them together forever .
I am regretful that I have was not able to love you the way you deserve to be loved. But I promise that my next lifetimes are yours. I’d choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I'd find you and I'd choose you.
His fingers trace over the spot just below his ribcage where his thin dress shirt covers the stubborn scar that refuses to disappear lifetime after lifetime. The action comforts him as his own mind starts to spew endless amounts of doubt. What if he’s finally gotten tired of me? Or worse. What if he doesn’t remember me at all?
“He’s going to remember me!” Daehyun’s voice is hushed but urgent. Yongguk can’t not remember him. It’s not possible. Right?
His mind and his excitement runs faster than his legs can carry him and he literally stumbles into Yongguk’s office. Quickly catching himself before he lands a perfect face plant, he straightens up when he feels eyes on him. He sneaks a look from under his short raven hair; fluffed up just enough to cover his eyebrows and hide his eyes but not long enough to seem lazy and unstylish.
A pink warmth stretches across his cheeks. He’ll never forget those pairs of eyes.
“H-Hi.” He smiles widely, baring his teeth and eyes crinkling happily.
“Hello.” The monotonous reverb of Yongguk’s voice takes Daehyun by surprise.
“I… I’m…” Daehyun loses his words the longer he stares at Yongguk. He’s exactly the way he has always been. Tall, stern-faced and breathtakingly handsome. Of course, his style has changed with the time era but his taste has stayed exactly the same. Simple. Minimalistic. Neat. And in this moment, Daehyun feels as if time actually stops. He’s just existing with Yongguk again. In the same place, at the same time. Together. Again.
But time doesn’t really stop.
“I’m Bang Yongguk.” He sticks out his hand toward a frozen Daehyun at an attempt for a handshake. Daehyun just stares at him.
“I know who you are.” Daehyun chuckles nervously. “Of course I know who you are.”
“How- Aah…” Yongguk nods. “You probably got the whole lowdown on me already.” He retreats his hand and heads back toward his desk. “Then you know I am a very serious about my work. So how about we skip the formalities and just get started. We have the annual -
“Are you really going to be like this?”
Yongguk sends him a questioning look.
“You… don’t remember me?” Daehyun’s smile falters. He remembers me. He has to remember me.
“Have we… met before?”
“It’s… It’s me.” Daehyun rushes to Yongguk and reaches out to him before thinking about it. He feels the energy of Yongguk burn through his skin. “It’s Daehyun.”
A confused chuckle escapes Yongguk. He peels Daehyun’s grip off of his wrist. “We’ve never met before today. I’ve seen you around during orientation, maybe that’s when you saw me?”
“No…” He shakes his head in disbelief. This isn’t happening. Please.
“You … have me… confused with someone else, then.” Yongguk is hesitant to say anything else.
“Yongguk-ah… It’s me…” His voice breaking.
Yongguk’s brows furrow at the drop of honorifics. “Excuse me?”
A cold rush of realization hits Daehyun.
He feels his soul being ripped into a million pieces.
He really doesn’t remember me.
~ * ~
“He doesn’t remember me.” Daehyun’s throat is raw from hours of crying. His eyes are more swollen than usual and his face is blotched with red from the rough tissue he has been using to wipe away his tears.
“Daehyun-ah…” Himchan tries very hard not to make the younger male sound pitiful. He knows the younger hates that the most. In this lifetime and the last.
Instead, he pulls the younger in closer and lets Daehyun curl up a little tighter into his chest and arms. His own arms wrapping comfortably around the smaller trembling body. He feel an itch behind his own eyes and the heaviness in his chest but he fights it off because Daehyun needs him. Because in this very moment, Daehyun is the one that needs the comfort and not him.
“Hyung… Why doesn’t-” Daehyun hiccups before letting out continuous shudders. “Why doesn’t he remember me?” Himchan feels Daehyun’s fingers digging into his winter sweater and pulling him in even more; if that was even possible. The younger buries his face in the fuzzy fabric and lets out a silent cry. He feels his soul ripping apart. Was this how it felt to lose a part of you?
“I don’t kn-
“It’s not fair!” Daehyun lands a soft hit on Himchan’s chest; strength nearly depleted from the shaking from his cries. “I’ve spent my entire life living our memories over and over again. Why am I the only one that remembers our past lives, to feel the Pull?! Why am I the only one dreaming and waiting to finally meet him! To finally be able to hold him again! It’s not fair! Why am I the only one hurting?!”
Himchan does hold back his tears anymore. They escape without his consent but he lets them fall as he tightens his hold on Daehyun. The younger trembles against his body as another horrid cry escapes his raw throat.
“I’m sorry.” Himchan’s soft lips pushes up against Daehyun’s hair. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to do. I’m so… so sorry.”
~ * ~
Daehyun has always had strings attached to Himchan’s heart but the beautiful man doesn’t know the amount of control he has over Himchan.
“I’ll pick you up after work.” Himchan’s thumb softly glides across the puffy skin under Daehyun’s eyes. He’s been getting better. Not completely fine, but better. Last night was the first night in a few weeks that he’s actually fallen asleep crying. That was a win in Himchan’s book; it was one bad day compared to many good days.
“Thank you.” Daehyun’s voice is a whisper. He tries to prolong this conversation as long as possible, dreading the idea of going in to work with the love his lives that doesn’t remember him.
“Call me on your break?” Himchan leans forward and touches his lips to the younger man’s forehead. “I’ll be in the studio all day. Let’s go grab lunch together.”
“I have to work through lunch. It’s a busy week.”
“I’ll drop off some food.”
“Don’t bother. I probably won’t -
“What did I say about skipping meals?” Himchan takes Daehyun’s thinning chin into his hands and makes Daehyun meet his eyes. “Look at you. You’re a stick.” He pats Daehyun’s cheeks softly. “I’ll get you some food after work then. I don’t want to bother you more than I already am if you’re busy.”
Daehyun smiles halfheartedly in response.
Himchan loses grip on his emotions a little more. I want to make you happy, again.
“I’ll see you later, hyung.”
Daehyun says a final goodbye with a soft kiss to Himchan’s cheek.
Himchan feels the strings pull too tight this time around.
~ * ~
There’s a longing in Daehyun’s eyes that Yongguk is afraid of. He’s not sure what lays beyond the lingering looks and the downward pull of this lips whenever Yongguk appears before him and Yongguk doesn’t know if he is allowed to know what lays beyond that, but it doesn’t stop him from his wandering thoughts; from obsessing over the idea of being able to know about it one day.
“Are you going to the celebration dinner tonight?” Yongguk casually questions as they sit together preparing for their last presentation for the week. His eyes are darting around each paper that is laid before him but his attention is fully on the young male beside him; almost too concentrated on the warmth the younger radiates.
“I… I’m not sure. I have something going on already, I think.” Daehyun lies through his teeth. Himchan is out of town on a gallery tour with his art council and he will probably be spending the night curled up on the couch watching bad movies and eating the leftovers from his dinner two nights ago. Bibimbap and kimchi; if he’s feeling it, he might even make some ramen.
“You think?”
“Yeah.” Daehyun, too, pretends to be sucked into the work that makes no sense to him at the moment.
“With… your boyfriend?”
“Boyfriend?” Daehyun questions quickly.
“The guy who’s been dropping you off every morning.” Yongguk finally turns his head and makes eye contact with Daehyun. He isn’t able to pinpoint the look Daehyun has in his eyes before the younger looks away. A sniff and a soft clear of the throat afterwards and Daehyun finally responds.
“Friend. Best friend.” Daehyun smiles tightly. “We’ve know each other forever.”
There’s a stretch of silence between them. Yongguk doesn’t know how to answer to that and Daehyun is afraid his walls he’s built up will come crumbling down if he tries to small talk anymore than he already has. They decide working in a mutual silence will work best this time around.
Yongguk is the one to break the silence.
“You should come to the celebration dinner.”
~ * ~
The celebration party isn’t really a celebration party. It starts out nice enough but once Yongguk shows up with his wallet heavy and his generous hand, the dinner turns from a celebration dinner to karaoke and drinks night. Three bottles, eighteen songs, and 2 hours into the night and Daehyun was ready to get out. He didn’t really want to be there in the first place and the smell of alcohol, loud screaming and incomprehensive flirting definitely did not want to make him stay any longer. He finds a good time between the chorus and the bridge of the twentieth song to excuse himself quietly. This was his time to escape.
He quickly grabs his jacket and slips between the others making a good use of the bathroom excuse.
“You leaving, too?” The too-familiar voice surprises an unexpecting Daehyun.
Yongguk has his jacket hanging off his arm as he follows Daehyun out of the loud room and into the entrance hallway.
“Yeah. Not my thing.”
“Me, too.”
They stop in their tracks as they reach the front door. The pit pat pit pat of the wet sleet falling from the sky is enough to make both of them groan.
“Drive safe.” Daehyun offers up first.
“I can take you home. You shouldn’t be walking in this.”
“It’s okay. I live around the corner.”
“Get in. I’ll give you a lift.”
Daehyun doesn’t get a chance to fight against Yongguk’s words because we was halfway down the street already before he even finished his sentence. Daehyun doesn’t have a choice but to quickly follow Yongguk into his car.
So maybe Daehyun’s apartment wasn’t around the corner. Maybe it ended up being 7 long blocks away. But between the time of leaving the celebration dinner at getting to Daehyun’s home, the downfall of wet sleet increases alarmingly fast.
“You should come up and wait until the worst of it passes.”
Yongguk doesn’t find the heart to turn down Daehyun’s offer.
They get stuck in traffic and decide to pull and park and walk the extra block that they had left to Daehyun’s home. As soon as they leave the comfort of Yongguk’s car, they regret their decision right away. They underestimated the amount of sleet that was coming, so by the time they reach Daehyun’s home, they are soaked from head to toe.
Daehyun’s hair is wet from the cold sleet. The drenched strands stick to his forehead making him look much younger; much more innocent. His jacket, soaked through and through, clinging to his body; not willing to let go. There’s a pale pink blush skipping across the younger male’s smooth cheeks and his lips are shivering just a bit from the coldness that they have just escaped.
“I have some extra clothes. You can change while you wait for the snow to lighten up a little.” Daehyun unbuttons his coat and slips it off before slinging it over the dinner table seat. “Make yourself comfortable. I’ll be right back.”
Yongguk slips his jacket off as well and slings it across the back of the seat next to Daehyun’s. He looks around the small apartment. He’s never been here before, but it feels so familiar. Yongguk likes it. A lot. It’s casual and comfortable. It feels very lived in and full of evidence of life; of Daehyun’s life.
Yongguk is instantly attracted to the shelf on the further side of the apartment. It’s filled with old artifacts and very old photos. What catches his eyes the most is the leather journal leaning against the side of the shelf. Curiosity gets the best of him and he reaches for the small object. He’s careful with handling it as he’s sure it’s a precious belonging to Daehyun. The first few pages are covered in scribbles; the ink so faded you can barely tell what it said. As he flips through the thin pages, a certain page catches his eyes.
There is old ink that outlines the silhouette of a person’s face. The drawing itself isn’t very well defined but the outline of the person looks very familiar. Was this someone he knew? He also quickly notices the retracing of the old faded ink. It looks as if it had been recently traced with a well sharpened drawing pencil; traced more than once, repeatedly, almost as if trying to remember the essence of the person in the drawing.
“Here is your…”
“Sorry, I was just looking.”
“No. It’s… It’s okay.” Daehyun looks at him hesitantly. “Did you… see anything?”
“Just… a few notes. And a drawing.” Yongguk smiles widely at Daehyun. “I didn’t know you were an artist.”
“I probably was one in the last life…” Daehyun hands the set of clothes to Yongguk. “But I’m not anymore.”
Yongguk doesn’t understand that Daehyun was an artist in his last life. And Yongguk was his model.
“Let me get you some tea. It’ll help you warm up.”
As Daehyun scavenges his small kitchen for Himchan’s last tea batch that he had brought over, a nagging feeling itches at Yongguk’s chest. There’s a familiarity about Daehyun that Yongguk just can’t brush off.
“I know there’s some tea left somewhere…” Daehyun opens up one of his higher cupboards and stands on his tippy toes. He reaches as far up as he can for a plastic container. But it’s just high enough that this shirt rises over his dishrack causing his shirt to lift as he falls back onto the heels of his feet. Before he realizes what has happened, Yongguk was already grabbing onto his arms.
“You have a scar…” Yongguk says quietly. “Under your rib.” His eyes meets Daehyun’s questioningly.
“What?” Daehyun scoots back but walks right into the counter.
“I have a scar in the same place…”
“Umm…”
“I just… why does it feel like...”
Daehyun stops breathing when he feels Yongguk’s breath on his skin. His head is spinning and he’s feeling delirious. Stop. I can’t take this .
“Why do you feel so… familiar?”
Daehyun doesn’t answer. He can’t answer. He won’t answer. Because it’ll only end up in one of two ways. He’s still holding his breath when Yongguk asks his next question.
“May I try something?”
“Hu-
Daehyun feels the circuits in his brain blow out the second Yongguk’s lips make contact with his. The energy that surges his veins overwhelm him and he becomes weak in the knees because Yongguk was kissing him, in his kitchen. Yongguk’s lips feels exactly the same as he’s always had. His plump lips always very mannerful at first but Daehyun knows it’s in his blood to lose control eventually, and that’s exactly what he does.
Daehyun finds himself being pushed into the counter as Yongguk moves in closer; as if he wants to mold himself onto Daehyun. Getting over the initial shock, Daehyun decides, if this was the one bad night he was going to have among many good nights, then so be it. He reacts late, but he’s pretty sure Yongguk doesn’t mind, especially the way he grabs at the younger’s waist to bring him closer, if even possible.
The gentle and mannerful Yongguk is slowly disappearing. It’s much more hasty now. Tongues doing a tango and lips molding into each other perfectly. Daehyun finds his hands in Yongguk’s hair, arms around his neck, holding him the way he’s been dreaming since he can remember. It’s passionate, and wild. And Daehyun finally feels like he’s got his Yongguk back.
But as quickly as it started, Yongguk is pulling away.
“Hold on…” Yongguk shakes his head as if he’s clearing away his thoughts. “I just…”
Daehyun is still riding the high but was quickly falling down from it.
“I… I’m sorry…” Yongguk clutches his head. “I… I’m so sorry. I should… I’m sorry.”
And the moment is gone. Yongguk quickly snatches his jacket off the dinner table seat and rushes out of the apartment without saying another word. And somehow Daehyun appreciates the silent rejection. But he knows it’s going to be a long night.
~ * ~
It’s nearly a week before Yongguk even tries to talk to Daehyun again. He’s been taking his assignments and projects from the comfort of his home and he has been conducting meetings from his personal laptop. It’s very clear to Daehyun that Yongguk does not want to see him. Daehyun is pretty sure Yongguk regrets what happened that night so he does Yongguk a favor. He forgets it as well. Well, he tries to at least.
But Yongguk makes it very hard when he comes knocking at Daehyun’s door at 2 in the morning.
“It’s late.” Daehyun says from behind the door. “You should go home.
“We need to ... talk.” Yongguk lowers his voice as Daehyun’s neighbors walk by eyeing him suspiciously. “May I come in?”
Daehyun hesitates for a moment, but let’s Yongguk in.
“Can we talk about what happened?”
“It’s fine.” Daehyun avoids his eyes. “We don’t need to talk about.”
“But I-
“It happened. We’re both adults. We can move on from it.”
“So you didn’t feel anything?”
“N-No…” Daehyun bites the inside of his mouth. Of course he felt something. He felt like in that moment he regained a piece of his soul back. He was finally whole again for that split moment. It was just him and Yongguk, his Yongguk again. Of course he felt something. But he knew better than to get his hopes up.
“Then say it. To me.” Yongguk grabs his wrist and tries to turn Daehyun to face him. “Tell me you didn’t feel anything. At all. Look me in the eyes and say it!”
“No. Stop. I didn’t.” Daehyun’s voice breaks at the end. He mentally kicks himself. Get a hold of yourself.
“You felt it, too.” Yongguk takes Daehyun’s hand in his own and places it on his chest. Instantly, they both feel the warmth spreading through their bodies, the tingles at the end of their toes and their fingertips. The fuzzy feeling in the end of their nose. The rapid beating of each other’s hearts. Yongguk finally meets Daehyun’s wet eyes. “You felt it, too.”
Then it clicks.
“You’ve known me all along.” Yongguk’s brows furrow deeply, finally realizing everything. “You’ve… had these… memories of us. Together. All along. That’s why when we first met…”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Stop lying to me!”
“ You can stop lying to me! Stop getting my hopes up!” Daehyun shoves at Yongguk. “Don’t tell me you felt the Pull when you didn’t! You don’t know how much it hurts me!”
“I felt it! I felt all of it!”
“Then why did you run?! Why did you leave me again?!”
“‘Cause I was scared!”
Daehyun’s cries break through and he’s attempting to pull away from Yongguk. The skin to skin contact sends satisfying tingles through their bodies and it only pushes Daehyun to cry even more. He loves the feeling of them together. The delirious happiness, zooming excitement, and the magnetic pull, he loves it all. But his emotions are so heightened as well and all he wants to do is get away from Yongguk so he can sort out everything that’s happening first.
He wants to step away but Yongguk envelopes him in his strong arms and he can’t find the strength, and the desire to pull away. Instead he pulls the elder’s shirt around his face and he cries. He’s surrounded by the elder’s usual scent, by his warmth and his entire being and he feels everything that the elder is trying to make him feel and it’s so overwhelming that he finds himself crying into Yongguk’s chest even more.
Yongguk’s warm embrace lulls him to a calm he’s never really felt before. He feels the anxiety slowly creep further away the longer he stayed in Yongguk’s arms. He wants to stay like this forever.
“I was scared…” Voice barely a whisper. Yongguk’s nudges Daehyun’s chin to have him look up. His fingers trace the outline of Daehyun’s face gently. “Everything came back to me all at once. It was just… flash after flash after flash and I’ve only heard about these stories and I’ve never had anyone experience it first hand and... I was scared. I was so scared because the feelings… the emotions that came with those memories… They…” Yongguk leans in close. So close he feels Daehyun’s unsteady breath on his lips. “I have never felt anything like that in my life before. And I was so scared to admit that I wasn’t going crazy, that you and I… we… are really… one.”
“I’m… scared, too.” Daehyun squeezes his eyes shut; tears seeping through his thick lashes. “I don’t want to wake up from this dream.”
“It’s not a dream.” Yongguk nudges his chin teasingly. “Open your eyes. I’m right here.”
They’re a breath apart, but it’s too far apart.
“We don’t have to be scared anymore. I promise.”
And when their lips met, it was as if their senses were turned on high because every cell in their body was electric; the ringing in the ears and the energy flowing through their fingertips onto each other, the warmth the seeped through their skin.
~ * ~
There’s a familiar burning in his chest. Himchan’s use to it by now. He’s felt it before. In every lifetime before this one and in every lifetime after this. The pain is something you don’t simply forget. The pain of losing your other half. He knows the burning is going to evolve into something more unbearable. Maybe it’s the same as having your chest ripped open. Himchan really doesn’t know what to compare it to. He just knows that he will always be the one feeling the pain. But he will accept it, because that is his decision. Because he wants Daehyun to be happy.
His role in Daehyun’s life might not be what he thought it was. He’s always thought he needed to be with Daehyun to be able to make the younger happy, to be able to give him what he needed, what he wanted. But he was so wrong. Because even though Yongguk forgot their lifetimes before this one, his heart never did. The only one that was able to provide that happiness for Daehyun was Yongguk. So if that meant Himchan had to give up on Daehyun and his own happiness then it was a decision that Himchan will never regret. Because Himchan will always put Daehyun’s happiness first. He would choose Daehyun’s happiness over his; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality. It will alway be Daehyun first.