Chapter Text
House downed some whiskey, as the music and chatter filled his ears. He signaled for the bartender to fill his glass yet again, as the guy next to him leaned closer and raised his voice to overcome the background noise.
“Look, all I’m saying is he is too cute to be straight,” he said, grinning like an idiot.
The bartender re-filled the glass, and House took it back, but didn’t drink yet. He looked at the man next to him instead.
“Strong words from a stalker. Very credible. You want him to be gay, that’s why you are sitting in a gay bar.”
Kalvin grinned at him, in a way people who feel untouchable do.
“You are also sitting in a gay bar.”
“Wow. Genius,” House replied with a mock impression. He was going to add something else, something sarcastic to pretend he still cares about his image, perhaps that the bar was a secret hideout so technically it wasn’t a true gay bar, but a thud followed by sudden panic forced the words back inside him. A group surrounded a guy laying on the floor, unconscious. A woman called an ambulance, while another person in the crowd asked if anyone was a doctor. On cue, House lazily got up.
And walked towards the door.
Kalvin went after him, confused.
“Are you seriously going to ignore him?” he asked, but didn’t make an effort to stop House from leaving.
“Rape drugs,” House started, not bothering to fake interest nor concern. “Not my problem. And I can’t be seen in a gay bar, my boss would be jealous.”
And with that, he left the scene.
***
“Fourty-two year old male, passed out in a bar,” started Cuddy as she followed House into the elevator. “Tox screens are negative, blood alcohol was low.”
“Boring,” stated House in a nonchalant matter. “Drugs?”
“Negative.”
“Alright.” House took the file and began reading it. Seeing ‘wife’ as the emergency contact was interesting enough to not toss it back at Cuddy. A gay man playing house so he lies about the drugs, which probably left his system already, or they didn't test for blowjob-buddies drugs. He wondered how long it would take the ducklings to figure it out. He could make a bet about his sexuality too, easy win. He was there, after all.
“I knew you were going to say that,” Cuddy scoffed. “This is your job, you need to-” she cut herself off, realization, then confusion plastered on her face as she slowly turned towards House, narrowing her eyes slightly. “Did you just agree to take the case?”
“Yep.”
“You…aren’t going to complain about it first?”
“Nope.”
The elevator dinged as the door slid open. House stepped out and limped towards his office. Cuddy, still in the elevator, looked after him with furrowed brows, knowing it was suspicious, but hey, she wasn’t going to complain.
“Wakey wakey, we have a case.” House tossed the file onto the table, which slid towards the end, almost falling into Foreman’s lap. Deadpan, he sighed, then opened the file, allowing Chase to read it above his shoulders.
“Which sponsor's relative is it?” asked Foreman, looking up at House with doubt, who was already writing symptoms on the board. “There is no way you took a simple alcoholism case on your own.”
“What?” House put his hand to his ear, pretending to have hearing issues. “Did somebody say they want to take my clinic hours because the case is so simple?”
Foreman rolled his eyes slightly, then smiled with a mix of condescendence and confidence.
“He was in a bar, he just probably used drugs and they are out of his system by now.”
“The patient is a chronic liar.”
“You say that about every patient,” started Chase. “C reactive proteins were slightly elevated, it could be an infection.”
“Not elevated enough. If he had an infection, he is already healing from it,” Cameron added, while Foreman leaned back in his chair, not being able to believe that his colleagues were feeding House’s new crazy idea.
“Test him for infections. When they come back negative, check for STDs,” said House, while also noticing Wilson outside his office, trying to not seem obvious while peeking in. “Foreman, look around in his flat for drugs, you are quite the expert.”
Cameron started to ask about why they needed to do STD tests, but House didn’t pay attention to her and left the office, walking up to Wilson.
“The door was open,” said House. “Or did you want me to play gentleman today and hold it for you?”
Wilson’s face looked serious, but mostly annoyed.
“Where were you?”
“Is my office one-way glass?” House turned around, pretending to check.”You should have told me sooner, I would have done my orgies there.
“House.”
“Fine, I’ll invite you too.”
“House.” Wilson crossed his arms stubbornly. “You aren’t yourself these days.”
“Have you considered you are just annoying?”
“Enough for you to come to work on time and accept a case without fuss?” He raised an eyebrow.
“Go back and gossip with Cuddy, braid each other’s hair. I have a buddy to visit.” He was about to leave, but Wilson put his hand on House’s chest.
“You are hiding something. Is it the vicodin? Please tell me you didn't start drugs—”
House, just wanting to go and hide in the coma patient’s room to play his gameboy already, leaned on his cane and stared at Wilson with a poker face.
“I was at a gay bar.”
Wilson laughed, not in joy but in disbelief.
“You are still not taking it seriously.”
House shrugged, not wanting to elaborate on the fact that he was in fact very serious. He was merely testing the waters and it seemed Wilson still couldn’t figure it out, maybe for the better. It would be way more entertaining if he’d just bring him to the bar once, with Wilson thinking the gay part of the bar was a joke. His sweet evil thoughts were disrupted by Cameron walking up to them.
“Why do you think we need the STD test? Not everyone is a cheater.” Cameron looked at House as if he wasn't about to have a fight with Wilson, ignorance is bliss. House nodded, sarcasm seeping through his voice.
“Yeah, but he is. He is gay. 20 bucks.”
“House, you can't just speculate about someone’s sexuality!” Cameron’s voice got a pitch higher, visibly annoyed and maybe even personally offended. She has been more jumpy about the topic after the AIDS case, which amused House at first, but it was getting boring by now.
“Twenty bucks for him being straight!” Chase butted in, earning a disapproving look from Cameron.
“Haven't I sent you off to do your thing?” House wished he was anywhere but there, and almost regretted taking the case, but he reminded himself that the duckling’s faces when they too realize he is right, will be worth it. Said ducklings quickly left, chattering amongst themselves about how House was being crazy again, or maybe about how Chase was enabling him. House was turning away but Wilson followed him.
“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Wilson asked, looking at House with anticipation instead of annoyment this time. House kept walking, but replied.
“You can bet too if you want. Look, the new trainee radiologist!” House nudged his head towards a general direction as he got into the elevator, but Wilson, distracted, didn’t step inside. He had turned to look at the alleged trainee instead; just as House had planned. Before the elevator closed, House saw Wilson’s betrayed eyeroll directed at him.
***
It didn’t take more than a few hours for his minions to pager him. The positive STD tests are back, the fun part begins, thought House as he finished the game level before leaving.
Stepping into his office, Foreman immediately started briefing him up on the results, like the textbook “good boy” he is.
“Negative for HIV, HEP-C and HEP-B,” he started, but his voice indicated that he wasn’t quite finished yet.
“Which one is it?” House asked before Foreman would list all existing STD the patient doesn’t have.
“Seriously, how did you know?” Foreman asked, before shaking his head and deciding that he would rather not know actually. “It’s syphilis.”
“Then why am I here? Is he not willing to tell you who his boytoy is? Send in Cameron,” House instructed, but the ducklings didn’t move an inch. House widened his eyes and shaked his head slightly as a response, as if he was asking why they are still in the room.
“He could have cheated with a woman too,” noted Chase, “Or the wife cheated.”
House raised his brows and pressed his lips together a bit, impressed. One of his ducklings is finally learning something from him…Although Chase was still wrong.
“Not bad. But he is gay.”
“And not reacting to penicillin,” Foreman said, trying to revert the conversation back to the patient’s sickness over his personal life. “Gay or not, something doesn’t add up.”
That piqued House’s interest, and he limped over to the blackboard and started writing.
“No, it doesn’t,” he agreed, the marker squeaking on the board. “Why doesn’t the penicillin work?”
“Maybe it’s not syphilis,” said Cameron, clinging to the last shred of hope that House might have been wrong about the cheating.
“False positives are extremely rare,” replied Foreman. “As you said earlier, CRP was slightly elevated.” Foreman was hinting to her, which she clearly noticed.
“He could be immuno-compromised,” finished Cameron. “Perhaps a previous infection, or a pre-existing condition.”
“Cancer?” offered Chase, with not too much confidence while brewing some coffee. House propped his cane on the whiteboard, the loud clank making Cameron jump in her seat.
“I was almost proud of you,” House started, to which Foreman actually laughed lightly. House? Proud?
“Chase isn’t wrong.” Cameron shuffled through some of the papers, pulling out one of the lab results and skimming through it. “White blood cells are a bit high but still in range, so technically it could be a cancer we caught early,” she continued.
“Could be?” House asked while retrieving his cane and leaning on it to stare into Cameron’s eyes. She got nervous for a second, opening her mouth but not saying anything. She looked like a mix of a kicked puppy and a fish. The only kicked puppy look House let himself fall for - not willing to admit it was out of his control, he pretended it was a choice - was Wilson’s. Too bad for Cameron, she wasn’t Wilson and had no chance of evoking pity in House.
“It can be cancer,” Chase said again, more to show his competency than to save Cameron from House’s remarks. Now, Chase had successfully won the bid for said remarks.
“It can be cancer or you are a moron,” House raised his voice, but then turned and wrote ‘suspicious lab results’ on the whiteboard. His fellows shared a look, realizing House’s nonsense can still reach new peaks. He agreed with them, enough to put another symptom on the whiteboard, but still called them idiots.
“You got addicted to calling us idiots,” Foreman called out, and House threw the marker at him.
“Fine. If you are so smart and sassy, the case is yours,” House said while tapping his cane on the floor. “While you do that, I’ll tell the wife her husband has syphilis he caught from a man.”
Foreman immediately stood up and hurried in front of House, the other ducklings following suit. The three of them now stood in the doorway, staring at each other, with House smirking at them. Just at that moment Wilson walked past, but slowed down as he saw the half open door and the humanoid road block. House called out to him before he could decide to not be involved and hasten his steps.
“Wilson! Chase and Cameron want to have a consultation with you!” With that said, he poked at Cameron’s feet, who stepped back with a yelp. House continued this until Cameron backed away enough to walk into Wilson, and made a gap that he could slip through. Wilson caught Cameron’s shoulders so she wouldn’t fall, the two nurses who witnessed this murmured to each other with giggles. And surprisingly, House wasn’t in sight anymore.
“Quite swift for a cripple,” Chase joked, but the team wasn’t amused. With Foreman and Cameron staring at him, he bolted to the stairs, realizing he will be the one who needs to stop House.
When Chase arrived at the patient’s room, he thought his eyes had failed him. The patient was alone in the room with House and that alone was to be expected. But when he saw the patient actually smile at House and House grinning back, he had to look around to make sure he didn’t travel into another dimension. He stepped inside the room, with uncertainty. the patient looked at him, House didn’t even regard him.
“So, will you notify your boytoy?”
“House!” Chase pressed, rolling his eyes. He wasn’t in an alternate universe after all.
“He is not a toy,” the patient let out instead, which caused Chase to widen his eyes, then lower his eyelids again, realizing he lost the bet. “But yes, I will. When can I leave?”
“Actually,” Chase started “You aren’t well yet, we would still like to do some tests.”
“We do?” asked House, while Chase checked the patient’s medication. It was Chase’s turn to ignore his boss’s antics.
“Just because you started avoiding Wilson for some reason, doesn’t mean patients are magically healthier."
House wasn’t going to give an answer to Chase. He wasn’t avoiding Wilson, he simply wasn’t in the mood to make something up because reality was far too unfathomable for Wilson.
“Who is Wilson?” asked the patient, looking at House. House pondered for a few seconds before pouting and giving an answer.
“My loving husband.”
The patient laughed.
“No he isn’t,” he started “you don’t have a ring.”
“Maybe I just don’t wear it to work?”
Chase’s face grew more and more weirded out by the second. He didn’t know why House was messing with the patient by pretending he was married, and to a man at that. He also couldn’t shake the feeling that House talked about this way too comfortably. He had cracked countless gay jokes before, but never without Wilson or Cuddy in the room. Who was he trying to mess with here? Chase came to the conclusion that he had no one to mess with, unless he was trying to make the patient feel more comfortable so he wouldn’t feel judged. But who Chase was kidding? It was House from all people, he didn’t care about anyone’s comfort. The answer became clear to him suddenly, getting a grasp to how House felt when he got his epiphanies.
“You are gay,” he said, with a flat face. Both other men looked at him.
“Yes, but–” the patient started, but Chase moved his hand towards him to hush him.
“Not you.”
All eyes were on House now, who didn’t seem offended nor scared by this accusation. He just stood there, making the face he did when thinking about insults.
“You are wrong,” stated House, but just when Chase was about to admit defeat, he continued and went for homerun. “Bisexual.”
“Wait, what? You aren’t going to deny it or call me an idiot?” Asked Chase with a type of confusion puppies have on their face. House didn’t reply, but limped out of the room with a steady pace as if he just had an idea. Chase apologized to the patient, and also left swiftly when the wife walked in. At least House wasn’t going to ruin this patient’s life. Maybe.