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April
“James’ boyfriend is supposed to come to dinner,” Sirius said as he and Regulus sat in the studio. “I don’t think he’s going to show up.”
“What makes you say that?” Regulus asks. Sirius shrugs, picking at the strings on his hoodie. “Sirius?”
“James is the best person I know,” he murmured. “He deserves the world, but Benjy doesn’t see him beyond the fame. He sees James Potter, the man who jumped from relationship to relationship and writes music about those relationships. Then, as the overly private boyfriend of his, who would soften himself for his acting career. But James isn’t like that. James wants a relationship and connections, and to believe in happily ever after. I mean, he’s got Moony and me, and his parents. And he wants to do it loudly.”
“When I see him on stage, he’s always so happy.”
“That man is the most famous singer in the world, no offense Reg. He walks out of his apartment and has cameras glued to him. He breathes, and it’s breaking news. Do you think he’s weak enough to show his weaknesses to his fans in anything but music?”
“Fair enough,” Regulus replied. “Is he working on anything new?”
“When isn’t he working on something new? He’s been teasing this new album for after the tour, but recently it’s morphed into something else. Remus won’t talk about it, the bastard.” Sirius sighed. “I hope he doesn’t give up.”
“He’ll be fine. Even if he does give up, he’ll still be fine.”
“So James, how’s the tour going?” Marlene asked as they mingled in Sirius and Remus’ New York apartment. “I have purposely handed over my social media to my team so I can be surprised when I go to the Kansas City show.”
“Hmm?” James looked up from his phone, blinked a few times, and caught up. “Oh. The tour is going great. I’m still shocked every day that people actually want to come to a three-hour tour.”
Regulus stands on the outskirts of the conversation. He’ll be at the Kansas City shows too, but doesn’t say anything. The band he’s working with found an indie studio that had great vibes, so they temporarily relocated, and Regulus followed.
“Please. You could read the phone book, and they’d be willing to listen,” Dorcas chimes in. “But I’m glad it’s going so well. You’ve had a rough couple of years.”
James grimaced but didn’t say anything else. The conversation continued about their other friends. Lily is getting her PhD in Art History and is elbow deep in her dissertation. Mary, in a show of support, is staying home when Lily needs to be able to help her fiancé with cooking and mid-typing hand cramps. Peter is a fancy chef and has his own TV show on the Food Network. They’re all extremely busy.
Regulus sees James sneak off while they’re adamantly talking about the newest episode of Peter’s show. He follows him not long after when the topic switches to Dorcas and Marlene’s wedding towards the end of summer in New York. James is standing at the entryway, staring at his phone.
“He’s not coming,” James says softly. “He was never planning on it.”
“Who?” Regulus asks.
James puts his phone down and stares at the door. Tears are threatening to spill, his eyes are turning slightly red, and his cheeks are rosy, but he’s able to pull himself together.
“My ex-boyfriend,” James muttered. “I thought if I picked someone who understood fame, I wouldn’t…” He wiped away the tears that weren’t falling. “And I can’t even leave. My security trusts this place to be safe, so they’re not back until six.” He tilts his head back and closes his eyes. “God, is he even my ex-boyfriend? That’s happening immediately.” He shook his head, rolling his shoulders back, and suddenly, Regulus saw the James who performs three hours a night. “I’m going to go clean up in the bathroom.”
***
June
He’s big upset. One Twitter comment read. I mean, did you see Illicit Affairs? He was staring a hole into the camera.
Did you see the letter that actual fans signed against his love life? Am I thrilled that he’s been seen with Gildroy Lockhart? No. But it’s his love life. Another one read.
Our boy CANNOT date Lockhart. He’s awful! #SpeakOutNow. A third one read.
James was staring straight ahead, his phone in hand again. Regulus was sitting with Remus in the studio. There was a piece of glass separating James and the two of them. Remus had invited Regulus along so he could see the studio in the countryside of New York, where he regularly worked.
“Is he okay?” Regulus asked.
“No.” Remus leans toward the microphone to talk directly with James. “Do you need a break?”
“No,” James rasped. “No. I don’t need a break. I don’t need comments. I don’t need anything.”
He’s white knuckling his phone. Regulus doesn’t need to see to know what he’s looking at. Twitter has been lighting up all day with commentary on James’ status of Lockhart, the sketchy lead singer of a band, being his new boyfriend so close after his breakup with his previous boyfriend of several years.
There was even an open letter that went across four screenshots. He had been reading it all morning, obsessively. His shoulders were at his ears, and he was emotionless. It boiled over until there was an explosive argument between Lockhart and James that ended with Lockhart breaking up with him because his fans were too insane. He’d been like this since, according to Remus and Sirius.
“Hey, James,” Regulus said tentatively into the microphone, pulling it closer to him. “I’m working on something new with the band I’m with. Can I get your thoughts?”
James’ eyes snapped to Regulus. Like he’s seen several times before, he blinked several times before coming back into himself, nodding. Remus gave him control, and soon the song was playing in the studio. James closes his eyes, listening to it, but his grip doesn’t falter on his phone.
“The pre-chorus sounds need an effect on it,” he murmured. “I’m not sure what.”
“Yeah, I was thinking about that,” Regulus said. “The band wasn’t a fan when I did it, but here was my version. I messed with the distortion and EQ to change the tone.”
“That’s better,” James said after a play-through. “I think I need to be finished with music for today.”
“Incredible. Peter is making soup at the main house.” Regulus pushed away the microphone. “Let’s get cleaned up and go.”
“Thanks,” Remus said, eyeing Regulus for a second before turning away.
***
July
There are videos everywhere of the new music video and James sitting with his dancers on stage while the video plays. He’s holding hands with his singers, and he’s grinning. It’s the first time in a while that Regulus has seen James not dead-faced.
Regulus was stuck in the studio while the band was long gone. They had gone to the concert, but Regulus was under a tight deadline, and the band wasn’t. They had done their part. It was two hours after the concert, and James’ name flashed on his phone.
“James?” Regulus says.
“Hey. Can you open the door to the studio?” James murmured. “Kingsley is kind of mad that I’m surprising you.”
Regulus was quick to unlock the door to the studio and let them in. Kingsley, a large, towering man, glanced around the single room and was satisfied that Regulus was truly alone.
“I thought you’d be on a flight back to New York,” Regulus said.
“If I fly back, it’ll be tomorrow. Fancy some dinner? I just kind of got an assortment of different things.”
James settled on the futon behind him and started sorting the food, handing multiple boxes over to Kingsley, who accepted them and sat on the other wheeled chair. His shoulders were tense, and his face was tight.
“What’s up?” Regulus asked, moving to the floor to be eye level with the coffee table.
“My fans found my hotel,” James said tiredly. “The place is flooded, so they’re in the process of finding a solution.”
“You okay?” Regulus asked softly, paying less attention to the tacos and more attention to James.
“I wish people would stop asking that. I’m fine.”
He grinned, and there he was again. The act that James put on in front of his fans and, recently, his friends. It has been happening more and more. Regulus mostly heard it from Sirius, who tended to travel with James when Remus was busy with projects. It was their anniversary, so James had been alone for a week.
“Why do you do that?” Regulus asked. “Put on the same act as you give to your fans. Your fans, I understand. There has to be a boundary between you and them to make sure you can be a human being. But your friends?”
“It’s easier,” James murmured. “Easier to keep the mask for everyone, I mean. I don’t have to worry Sirius when he isn’t able to travel with me or Remus when we FaceTime. Don’t get me started on Peter. He’s been a nervous wreck for months.”
“Yeah. You’ve been shutting people out.” Regulus picked up a taco.
“I think they’re partially worried I’m cracking and going to quit.”
Regulus met his eyes over the box of tacos. “Well, you have one more month of tour, then you have a break, kind of?”
"Until the international tour starts. I’m in demand. And I’m in meetings constantly, it feels like getting ready for the movie. And the next album.” Regulus leaned on the coffee table. “What?”
“Tell me about it.”
So he did.
“Do you want to go on a date?” Regulus asks James one late night. “Something that’s just us?”
“Yeah. I do, Regulus.” James is already looking at Regulus, a small smile on his face as he strums his guitar. “I would love to go on a date with you.”
***
August
“What’s going on?” James said as Regulus pulled them into a back room of the restaurant where Dorcas and Marlene’s wedding rehearsal was taking place.
“Someone leaked your location,” Regulus murmured. “There’s a crowd of people surrounding the restaurant.”
“No,” James gasped, his eyes watering. “No. Please, tell me you’re lying.”
“I’m not,” Regulus said. “But hey, it’s okay. Kingsley is taking care of it.”
“It’s not okay.” James put some space between himself and Regulus. “It’s not okay. I am not some doll that people can put behind glass for their entertainment. I am a human being who wants to celebrate his fucking friends getting married.” James grips his hair as his eyes begin to turn red at the unshed tears. “I am allowed to want space between myself and the fans that, while I love them, have stepped over so many boundaries that I have put in place. I love them, but they have ruined this. I love them, but they have ruined me.”
“Maybe.” Regulus picks up a mug that’s sitting on the edge of the table. “Here.”
“I don’t want to drink anything, Regulus,” James snapped.
“Break it, James,” he responds. “Break this.”
James stares at the mug before tentatively holding it in his hands like it’s a bomb about to go off, before lifting it over his head and slamming it on the ground. It shatters, splitting into a million pieces and scattering in every direction. He stares at the pieces left behind.
“How do you feel?” Regulus asked.
“A little better, but Marlene and Dorcas-”
“Knew what they were getting into when they invited you. They’re perfectly aware of it. You are not ruined. That mug? Ruined. Won’t ever be used as a mug again. But you? You are the strongest person I know. You can’t give up this feeling. You’ll always be looking over your shoulder for a camera. You’ll always be this. But your friends love you even while looking over your shoulder and the secrets. Sirius loves you and Remus and Marlene and Dorcas and Lily and Mary and Peter. Hell, Barty and Evan love you, and they only know the celebrity side of you.”
“I don’t want them to ruin this,” James whispered. “I don’t want to ruin this.”
“Ruin what?” Regulus asked. “Us? Impossible.”
“We’ve only been dating for a month and nobody knows about us yet,” James murmured. “Give it time.”
“Can’t wait to prove you wrong,” Regulus said, kissing James’ cheek. “I will walk out of this restaurant proudly, holding your hand and acting like my life hasn’t changed due to your fame.”
“You’re really willing to walk into this hellscape with your head held high?”
“James, as long as you’re by my side, I would willingly walk through fire.” Regulus met Kingsley’s eyes at the door. “Now, let’s go shock the world that you’re dating your best friend’s younger brother.”
***
November
“Do you want to?” James asked as they sat on a flight back to New York. “Come with me to Thanksgiving? I mean I’m not even sure if you have plans.”
“I don’t have plans,” Regulus reassured. “I’d love to join you for Thanksgiving.”
“It’s kind of a lot of people and you can invite people. There’s plenty of room.” James pulled out his phone and started scrolling on social media. “Oh. Your face is everywhere on Twitter.”
“That’s not my business,” Regulus said, throwing his arm around James’ shoulders and bringing him closer.
“It’s your name though,” James said, looking at Regulus. “They’re literally talking about you.”
“Something Barty always told me. My name can be in the media and it can still be none of my business.” He shrugged. “It just doesn’t bother me.”
***
January
“Are you sure you want to play the whole thing?” Regulus asked, stretched out on the couch at the piano in their house.
“I just need to make sure it sounds good together and I trust you to listen to it as a fan and as a producer,” James admitted as he spun the CD case in his hands. “It’s called The Tortured Poets Department but there’s a part two called The Tortured Poets Department: The Anthology. It’s the longest name of an album.”
“Tell me about it,” Regulus murmured. “Not the fan version. Your version of it.”
“Ha. I see what you did there.” Regulus just raised an eyebrow at James to which he sighed. “I wasn’t originally making this album,” he admitted. “It started out as a different concept. The dark side of show business. But Benjy and Lockhart just…stalled me. Or stalled that project and this one came from it. I wrote and I couldn’t stop. Every time I was upset or mad or frustrated, I just wrote down everything. It turned into this. Dorcas and Remus really helped get it into album format.”
“Alright. Let’s listen to it.”
***
May
“I want to run something by you, really quick,” Regulus said to Kingsley one of the rare times they’re alone.
James is taking a nap in the next room after the concert the previous night. Kingsley is technically on ‘James’ duty to make sure he’s safe while the rest of the security team is monitoring the area. So far, it’s been safe. Their location hasn’t been leaked and James was even able to sneak out to join Regulus for dinner.
“Of course,” Kingsley said.
“I want to learn to pack a wound,” Regulus admits. “I’m not blind to the dangers that James has every day. I’ve been with him during the whole stalker thing that’s currently going on. I know you carry wound packing supplies with you everywhere he goes and…” Regulus hesitated. “I had a nightmare that something happened and I couldn’t do anything to help him. I’m quite in love with him so I’d like him to continue being alive. In a perfect world, there’s no threat of violence but there is.”
Kingsley, although a generally emotionless man, smiled a little bit. Kingsley took his job seriously, which Regulus appreciated. James is probably one of the most important people in his life and Kingsley is a large part of keeping him safe.
“Of course. If it helps you sleep but Regulus,” Regulus met his eyes, “nothing is happening to him on my watch.”
“I know. And don’t tell James. He’d get upset that I’m even worried about that.”
“Let me tell you something about James.” Regulus nodded, eager to hear something about his boyfriend from someone else’s perspective. “I’ve been working for him for years. We have a working relationship but we’ve also become friends. I watched him break apart after he asked me to remove Benjy from his list of people. I watched him with hope when he asked me to add Lockhart and then break apart again when I had to drag Lockhart out of his apartment.” Regulus nodded. “I’ve never seen him so happy and carefree than when he’s with you.”
“I’ve already asked my brother if it’s ridiculous I want to propose. He said no but he’s a romantic.”
“It’s not ridiculous. I may not be as close to James as your brother, but I’ve seen James in the most fragile moments of his life. And he only lets you into those moments.” Kingsley smiled. “So I’ll teach you how to keep him safe.”
***
March
“Reg?” James said from outside of the studio. “I’m so sorry for interrupting. I know you’re working but…” James' voice trailed off into a sob.
“Oh shit. I have to go. Something's wrong.” Regulus ended the Zoom call he was on, threw his headphones down and threw open the door.
James was standing there, his eyes red behind the glasses, like he’s been crying. His chin is wobbling and he’s clutching his phone. Something has to be wrong.
“I just got a call.” James’ voice is quiet as he holds back tears. “I got my music back. All of it.”
He then collapsed sobbing but Regulus realized this was something deeper. These weren't tears of sadness. These were tears of relief. This was from years of pent up pain and frustration. These were tears, knowing that nights spent awake, worrying if those first six albums would ever belong to James again, are over. A new tomorrow, starting today with those first ten years belonging to James again.
“My mom just called,” he said into Regulus’ neck. “They agreed to $300 million. We thought they were going to ask for more so we were prepared for more. But they only asked for $300 million.”
The rest of the night is a blur, admittedly. There were tears and kisses and celebrations and champagne and calling their closest friends, those who were there through the dark days of James not owning his own music.
***
August
Your favorite English teacher and Music teacher are getting married.