Work Text:
“Do you ever wonder what’s the point?” Buck asks, staring into his mug. He’s already regretting saying the words aloud, but he can’t bring himself to shut up tonight, clearly.
“Hm?” Bobby asks, and Buck pointedly does not look up.
“Everyone leaves in the end. I’ve never had a friend stick around. They all get bored eventually. What’s the point? Why do I keep trying?”
“Buck,” Bobby replies, voice sad, and Buck immediately feels guilty.
“Forget it. I—I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry, Bobby. I’m gonna go try to get some sleep.” He stands up from the chair, but Bobby puts a hand on his shoulder.
“Sit down.” Buck sits. “Did something happen?”
Buck shrugs. He suddenly feels very, very quiet. He needs to learn to shut the fuck up.
“Kid, you can tell me anything.”
Bobby makes it sound so easy.
He shrugs again. “It’s stupid.”
“I’m sure it’s not stupid.”
Buck makes a face. “You’re not gonna say that after you hear it.”
“Try me.” Bobby says, and he smiles that same stupid smile that always makes everything feel so simple and okay. Buck hates it and wishes he could see it every single day.
“An old high school friend messaged me today.”
Bobby blinks, and Buck can see him try to understand the bigger picture.
His leg starts to bounce.
“It was—It was nice actually. Got to catch up. They have a kid now, it’s crazy.”
Bobby hums, hand still comfortingly around Buck’s shoulder, and Buck finds himself leaning into it further and further.
“It wasn’t like they were the closest friend I ever had—definitely nowhere near close to Eddie and I—but we were close. Back in the day. And it was just, uhm, weird. To see them move on. And it just made me think of Abby, and then that made me think of Tommy and—”
Buck finally looks at Bobby, tears springing to his eyes and making everything blurry.
“Am I easy to leave? Is that it? I mean, clearly I am, it keeps happening and—And maybe this is just life. But I can’t help but think it’s me. Maddie and Chimney are so happy together, and Hen has Karen, and then there’s you and Athena. And hell, Eddie doesn’t seem to have any problems quitting the 118—”
Buck takes a breath, breaking eye contact again.
“That’s not fair. I know it’s not. But… It really does feel like I’ll never have someone who stays. Not permanently.”
When he catches his eye again, Bobby’s sad, watching him with an expression that makes Buck squirm in his seat.
“I’m here.” Bobby tells him, and Buck wishes that it felt like the truth.
“Are you though? Because you seemed real okay with leaving last year. And the year before that. And the year before that.”
He’s definitely not being fair, but you know what, Buck can’t keep having his heart broken. He can’t keep getting attached, only to have everything ripped away, and for him to be left standing, stranded and wondering what went wrong.
Bobby’s quiet for a moment, and Buck feels his heart stop. He went too far. Bobby’s gonna get pissed, and they’re going to get into another fight, and this’ll be it. Bobby will finally leave him for good.
Even if he braces for it, he knows he won’t be able to recover. Maybe this’ll finally be the excuse he needs to go off the ledge, to finally—
“Buck. Buck, I’m right here. I’m right here, kid.”
The hand on his shoulder squeezes, and Buck realises he had stopped breathing, throat fully closing in on itself.
Bobby’s in front of him now, and Buck distantly feels the tears begin to slip through.
“The last few years have been a lot. But I need you to know that I will never willingly leave you. Life is a work in progress and I’m still learning, still making mistakes. What happened in the lab? I didn’t want to go. I promise, kid. I did not want to leave you. I’m sorry it went down like that. I am so sorry you had to be there, and I’m sorry we had to say goodbye. I won’t take my decision back. I can’t. But I can apologise, and I can promise you that I never plan on doing anything like that again. I’m retired, kid. I promise. And… I know that is leaving you in a way itself, but I’m still here. I’m right here. You can come over whenever. I will visit as much as possible. I’m not going to leave you. Okay?”
Buck still struggles to breathe.
He’s not going to leave. He’s not going to leave. He’s not going to leave.
He tries to tell himself, tries to believe, but it still doesn’t feel real.
Buck trembles, feeling increasingly upset, picturing all the ways Bobby could die right now, against either of their wills.
“C’mere, kid.” Bobby pulls Buck in, arms wrapping around and holding him close.
He’s warm, secure, safe, and Buck feels himself shatter in his arms further.
“I can’t lose you again, Bobby. I can’t.”
Bobby shushes him, gently caressing his curls. “I know, kid. I know. I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here. I got you, Buck. I got you.”
“I love you, Bobby.” Buck says, pulling his face away from his shirt to speak clearly. “I’m sorry for not saying it before.”
“It’s okay. You don’t need to apologise.” Bobby pulls him in closer, kissing the top of his curls. “I love you too.”