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The clouds are oddly gray today.
As I walk to my residential building with Ira, I reach for her hand, and she willingly accepts my invitation. It's warm, though not warm enough to battle against this grueling cold, no matter how much I wish it would.
Ah, no, that would be wrong of me to say.
Just getting to have the hand of the one I love most intertwined with mine is fulfilling enough.
"What are you looking at?" she asked.
"The clouds."
"Clouds..?" She began to look, her eyes widening as she found the significance of it. "Oh, wow. Has it ever been like this?"
"I don't think so.. Do you think it's going to rain?"
She scoffed. "We'd be considered lucky if that were to happen. Since when did it last rain here?"
Right. For as long as I've lived, I haven't seen an inch of rain in Vorkuta-5. As much as I'd love to experience the feeling of having rain pour on me as the stories I've read describe it, I think it's for the best. I've heard how the pairing of a cold winter and a rainy day often doesn't mix well together, and I would much rather not experience that..
No. I keep doing it over and over again. It doesn’t matter if the universe throws obstacles towards its inhabitants, or if it rewards them instead. To say I wouldn’t like to experience everything the universe has to offer would be akin to a child denying every act of nurture you receive from your parents. And though I may not actively show the gratitude my parents deserve as I should, I’m not one to deny their efforts.
So, even if it does rain..
“Asya, where are you going?” Her voice breaks me out of my trance. I turn around, confused.
"My apartment, right..?"
"Yeah. We're standing right in front of it."
Oh.
“A-Ah! I didn't know, heh.." I walk back, feeling a little embarrassed for myself.
"You okay? You were staring at the ground the whole time."
"Y-Yes! I'm fine! I was actually just.. thinking about something.."
"Yeah, I know. You do that a lot. About what, though?"
"Oh, um.."
How should I say this? "I was wondering how the rain would feel on my skin." That would seem like a preposterous idea, especially to her, wouldn't it? After all, I'm well aware that Ira isn't exactly the biggest fan of the cold, and combining it with rain would be like hell on earth itself for her.. She'd probably ridicule me if I said that, huh..?
Oh well.
In the end, I stuck to my gut.
"I was just wondering how nice it'd be if it rained here!" I said with a smile matching my curiosity.
She deadpanned at me, an expression I was fully expecting. "Yeah, if you wanted to die. The snow is unbearable enough as it is. You really want rain with that?"
Hehe, I practically read her like a book! I've gotten better at reading her, haven't I?
"I suppose, but it's something new, right? There are so many things that we don't know about, so I think learning about things that are within reach should be taken without hesitation."
Ira sighs. "So you're willing to kill yourself if it means learning something new?"
"E-Eh? Um.. Well.."
She chuckled through her nose. "I'm kidding. I kinda get it, though. It's cool learning new stuff, I guess."
At those words, I'm delighted, and it feels as though my heart is dancing within my chest. "I'm glad you understand!"
"Yeah, yeah." She brushes off the words, yet I can see the subtle smile she tried to hide after that. "I'll see you tomorrow."
I hummed with a nod. "See you!"
After that, we wrapped our arms around each other for a hug, a routine we've established a while ago. It's warm, in every sense of the word. Every time we break away, however, I always find myself wanting to come back into her arms.
When we did, we walked back to our homes.
Walking up the stairs, it's quiet, though not serene. None of it comes as a surprise, considering the number of times I've taken this same path. It's not so different from my quiet walks with Ira after school, yet the transition from that to this is always jarring.
Perhaps, I've begun to rely too much on Ira's warmth.
Guh, do better, me..
When I reach my floor, a sudden noise blares from outside. At first, I assumed it was the wind going for another trip, so I thought that it'd stop after a while. But, it kept going, and it was at that point that I realized that it didn't even sound like wind, something more like 10 dogs with overgrown nails running at you.
That’s when I heard someone running up the stairs.
I immediately turned back, as if I thought someone was chasing after me.
Ira..?
She was holding onto the railing with one hand, bent over her knee with her other as she caught her breath.
What surprised me most was how alarmingly wet she was.
“I-Ira?! What happened?!” The worry in my voice was as noticeable as the snow outside.
“You just had to talk about it, Asya,” she said, her voice a little raspy.
“E-Eh? What are you saying..?”
“It’s fucking raining.”
Huh..?
It’s raining..?
Here..?
…
I rush down the stairs, excitement welling up in my chest.
“A-Asya?! The hell are you going?!”
As much as I hate to say it, her words don’t register—a barrier built around the Wernicke’s area of my brain, built upon by my ever-so-bundling amounts of curiosity, increasing with every step I take as I run down the stairs.
Rain. What did it feel like? The smell? The taste? Authors write about it in their novels all the time, yet they assume as though the reader has experienced rain before. Well, it would be wrong of me to blame them, as nearly everyone else in the world knows what rain feels like.
But now, I have been given the opportunity to participate in such a wonderful occasion, one worthy of a carousal, something that should be celebrated. Yes, a celebration. How should I do that once I finish? A poem, perhaps? That would be befitting, though it’s not any different from what I usually do.. It should be given with much higher regard!
I’m sure I’ll figure something out.
Once I reach the ground floor, I approach and open the door.
A sight never seen before was bestowed upon me.
A shower—no, a flurry of water particles hails down on the street in front. With my ears now in close proximity, the sound has become clearer, akin to when you'd cover your ears in the middle of a shower, only less muffled.
I reach out my hand, pellets dropping onto it as they pierce shots of winter through my skin. Water travels down my forearm, and though the wetness makes it feel as though my arm is being struck with pins and needles, I don’t intend to pull back any time soon.
Of course, I am eternally grateful to have been given this opportunity, but I don’t plan on stopping here. Here, reaching out my hand, is merely a fragment of the experience that is this downpour. To receive the whole picture, I must go out, and bask in its glory.
I take a step, then stop, my face a mere centimeter away from becoming an ocean.
The smell..
It’s.. earthly.
It smells like the world.
It was during a science lesson that I learned about what gives rain such a smell. The funny thing is—we weren’t even learning about rain. We were actually learning about carbon emissions and whatnot, but I was skimming through the textbook, trying to find something interesting to read about rather than paying attention to the lesson. Rebellious, aren’t I?
Apparently, each droplet of rain carries a chemical called gesomin. Now, I’m not exactly sure what that is, but it’s precisely the thing responsible for giving the rain such a pleasant smell. Rain creates air pockets, and when they fall, those air pockets shatter, dispersing the chemical around the area it struck.
It’s fascinating, really. People detest the rain, and even though they have probable cause for it, I can’t help but feel astonished. Fragrance, stored in the rain? Who knew it could be so fascinating?
It’s as if you’re giving us a gift.
And, I’m not one to deny your gifts.
I step out into the world.
My right leg moved forward, and then my other followed suit. Within a short amount of time, I made it to the middle of the road.
I looked up and opened my arms as water soaked every inch of my body, hair getting stuck to my face.
It’s cold, sticky, heavy. I may go as far as to say that it’s excruciating. At the same time, it is exhilarating, getting to stand beneath one of the universe’s ways of showing us appreciation
Yet, I still don’t find it enough.
Why is that? Do I not appreciate you enough? Have I suddenly lost my ever-so lasting love for you? No, if that were the case, then I wouldn’t be able to bathe underneath your glory, wouldn’t I? Ah, but then again, that would be presumptuous. Crud, I have yet to rid that part of me.. Still, I find it hard to believe that I don’t appreciate this enough.
“Asya!!”
I turn to the voice after having it break me out of my trance. “I-Ira!”
“What the fuck are you doing?! Are you out of your- shit!”
Her feet misstep on a slippery spot, and as she’s about to fall face-first on the cold, wet snow, I catch her with both arms and wrap them around her back as I support her weight with my own, her head lying over my shoulder. “A-Are you okay?!”
“Y-Yeah..” For some reason, she sounds a little embarrassed? “More importantly,” she uses my shoulders to stand up straight, grabbing my hand afterward, “we have to get back inside, now!”
Despite her words, I stayed attached to the ground, as if the moment she touched my hand caused invisible vines to emerge and take ahold of my ankles.
Her hand..
Even though the rain and cold combined have numbed my hands to the point where I can’t even feel them, it's still there. Amidst my near-frozen nerves, her warmth manages to sneak through into my system, like a spy infiltrating an enemy base.
...
Ah.
I've figured it out.
Please.
Forgive me.
Before Ira could question my inability to move, I forcefully pulled her towards me, catching her free hand with mine and holding them both in between us.
"A-Asya?!"
This is so selfish of me. Greedy, even, but you'd understand, wouldn't you? You must've heard me when I was wishing upon for rain, simply because I haven't experienced it before. Such a trivial reason, really, so much so that it's baffling, but you heard me, and even granted that wish. I really can't ask for anything more because of that.
And so, I must act upon my liberty, and show you just how much I truly love you.
With my left hand, I place my fingers around her right hand, holding it outward as I position my other hand on her lower back.
Ah, she flinched! I can even see her getting flustered! Right, she probably doesn't understand what's going on yet, huh? Hehe, that's so cute. I completely understand, though. In fact, I myself can already feel the heat in my own cheeks.
I've never done this before, let alone with another girl, and there's a high probability that we'll mess this up.
Nevertheless, I want to do this.
With Ira.
I take the initiative, and begin making some movements, simple sways from left to right. No one could possibly mess this up—even someone like me can do this much.
It was at this point that Ira began to understand what was going, evident by her placing her free hand on my shoulder. When I look at her face, the blush is still visible, and now she’s avoiding eye contact. My, just adorable..!
I had been expecting her to push me away once I started, but now that we've begun, I quickly realized just how foolish of an expectation that was. That's not the kind of person Ira is. She's kind, wonderful, gentle, amazing. Someone like her couldn't possibly do something as malevolent as that.
Ah, but that would mean I'm taking advantage of her kindness, wouldn't I?
How ignominious.
Yet, even with that realization, she continues holding onto me.
I truly don't deserve her.
…
I've made up my mind.
I will show her.
How much I love her.
I take my first major step, starting with my left foot as I move it forward, trying not to stomp on her foot. She moved back accordingly. With that, we swayed side-to-side once before moving backwards, repeating the same process. We do it again and again for all directions.
One. Two. Sway.
Repeat.
One. Two. Sway.
Repeat.
If anyone were to see us right now, they would most definitely chaff us. Our movements are irregular, out of sync, and overall just pathetic.
But, frankly, I don't have it in me to care.
Because I am having so, so much fun.
I can already sense it. With each step and sway we perform, my message becomes clearer. With just one more push,
She will understand.
I tap her hand with my index finger, signaling her to look at me.
I give her a heartfelt smile.
She sends one back.
Message transmitted.
I slip.
"Asya!"
I fall on my back, snow enveloping my whole body as rain continues to pour on my body.
Is what I was expecting, but..
Before I hit the ground, two arms were wrapped around my torso, Ira's hands supporting my weight as they prevented me from falling into the cold depths. My chest starts pumping from the shock, feeling as though I had just escaped death by a thin hair.
Droplets land on my face as I stare up at the sky.
"Asya! Are you okay?!" Her voice was frantic.
I turned my eyes to Ira, her expression unreadable as her long, silky hair was stuck to her face.
I reached out my hand, and moved them out of the way.
Past the downpour of rain, past my water-filled eyes,
I see her.
My heart turns into a drumset.
Ah, she's so bright..
Her eyes are wide, almost as if she's scared. I don't understand, though. What is there to be scared of? To me, this has become the most memorable day of my life, and no amount of metaphors could begin to describe just how much I feel indebted to the world.
I want her to feel the same.
My hand reached out to her once more, and I placed it on her cheek.
"Thank you," I said with a soft voice.
Startled at first, her expression relaxed with a soft smile.
Ah..
She’s..
She's so beautiful.
I love her.
"Are you fucking nuts?!"
We were at my door when she yelled that.
"I-I'm really sorry!” I bowed my head, avoiding the shame. “It was stupid of me to try and dance in the middle of the rain! I even dragged you into it! I'm so sorry I'll never do something as stupid as that ever again please forgive-"
"N-Not that!"
Huh?
"I mean.." Instead of finishing her sentence, she sighed and walked over before putting a hand to my forehead. After a good three seconds, she turned away, hiding her face. "Good, you're okay.."
Oh, that's what she's worried about? Me being sick?
Buh, my heart can't take it..!
"You don't have to be sorry about that.." she said.
"But.."
She turned around, a hand behind her nape as she avoided eye contact. "I, uh.. I really liked it.. Y'know, dancing with you.." Her face became redder with every word.
I slightly gasp.
My efforts weren't wasted after all.
"M-Me too!"
She turns back to the door, briefly catching her smile just before she hid again. "Anyways, sorry for staying at your place. I can't exactly go home when it's.. it's.."
Hm?
"Ira? Are you-"
I was interrupted by the squeak of a mouse.
Wait, no. That’s not it..
It was..
Oh my god..
She sneezed!
That's what her sneeze sounds like? It's so.. It's so freaking cute! She sounds like a teeny tiny mouse!
"W-What are you looking at..?"
Stop it! Bad, Asya! Bad!
"S-Sorry! I didn't mean to.." The words become lost as my cheeks become flushed. With my and Ira's cheeks combined, we could melt all the snow in Vorkuta-5. "A-Are you okay..?"
"I'm fine.. It's just.. just.."
She sneezed again.
Ehehehe..
…
"Shit.."
"I'm really sorry for taking up your bed, Asya.." she said with a dead voice, followed by a sniffle, lying on her side.
"It's okay! You could never be a burden to me!" I said, knelt beside the bed.
Her eyes blink once, then twice, before speaking. "That's a weird way of saying it, but," she chuckles, "alright..” She sniffled again. “Are you still okay..?"
I feel as though I should be asking you that.. "Y-Yes! For some reason, it's really hard for me to get sick, and I guess not even the rain could change that."
"Good.." She turns to the ceiling, closing her eyes. "That's good.."
This is really audacious of me to ask, but I can't help it when she's in my bed..
"Do you want me to get in there with you..?"
"No," she immediately said. "Even if you don't get sick, I don't wanna risk it.."
Right, of course she'd say that. She's simply too kind..
"Do you want some tea then? I have the kind that can help alleviate colds."
"No, I don't want any of that.."
"But you have to, Ira! Who knows what'll happen if we let this stay! I really don't want your condition getting any worse!"
She sighed. "If you're that worried.." She pulled her arm out of my blanket, laying it on the empty space beside her. "Here.."
"H-Huh?"
"Hold my hand.. I'll feel better that way.."
Now, I know just how false that is. Even if having someone by your side is enough to drive away any kind of sickness, I couldn't possibly be that person. It just wouldn't be fitting for someone as useless as me.
But..
"Okay.."
I put my hand atop hers, Ira gripping onto it as soon as it makes contact.
I really just want to hold her hand, okay..?
"I'm gonna sleep now, kay..?"
"Y-Yeah! Go ahead.."
"Kay.. Goodnight.."
"Mm," I hummed. "Goodnight.."
In just one moment, she fell asleep, her chest rhythmically rising and sinking with every breath she took. I suppose getting sick gives you the sleeping capabilities of a baby, huh? She really looks like one too, hehe..
Now, I know she said I shouldn't..
Oh, I can't help it..
Still holding onto her hand, I slowly climb onto the bed, careful as to not disturb her slumber. After successfully doing so, I momentarily lift the blanket, slipping underneath it and draping it over the two of us.
Jeez, just how much more avaricious can I get? I've been given so much today, yet I still find it in myself wanting more, as if everything I received today wasn't enough.
No, that isn't true. Even if I so much as receive a pebble from Vadim, or new clothes from Marina, I would treasure them both with absolute certainty. The sentiment of giving something to someone could never be wasted.
It's just.. when I look at Ira, sleeping right next to me, I can't help but stay close to her.
Sigh. I suppose that's just how I am.
...
Today..
Today was fun.
And I have you to thank for.
So, thank you. You have my utmost gratitude.
I snuggle closer, feeling myself start to drift.
That day was the first time I ever got sick.
Despite the scolding I got from Ira afterward, and my excessive coughing and sneezing,
It wasn't as bad as I expected.