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“I… I, uhm, wanted to give you these.”
Komaeda's expression is blank as he stares down at his scarred, skinny hands, focusing on the textured stem between his fingers as he rolls it back and forth.
“They're called Kuroyuri. I saw some earlier and thought of you, so..”
The dark petals naturally drooped down, giving him the notion that if it was truly alive, it would be rather sad. Slumped towards the floor, its vision of the beautiful world forever obscured..
..only living to perpetuate a cycle it never agreed to participate in as it's forced to huff its own filth..
..staring day-in day-out at the unchanging, uninteresting dirty ground…
A small crack comes from the stem, pulling his attention back to it– apparently, he had tightened his hand so hard around the thing that it split open in the middle, coating the tip of his index and thumb with water. He didn't even notice he was squeezing it until now, so lost in his thoughts.
..What was he thinking about?
…
Oh! Oh, the flower, right. The flower Hinata-kun got him. ‘Kuroyuri’.
He glances back down at it, watching its insides drip down his finger and into his palm. He has to throw it away now, he supposes. He doesn't want to of course, throwing away a gift from Hinata-kun felt frankly sacrilegious, but he can't exactly do much with a broken flower. It would've made him feel nauseous with guilt if it was the only one, but luckily it wasn't, as he had expected that they would be damaged if he held onto them and therefore pre-emptively hid them away in the kitchen as soon as they were handed over. He passed them now on the way to the bin, endearing to him despite their bad smell, lined up prettily next to all the other vase filled flowers Hinata-kun has gotten him overtime. The thought makes him warm in the face, distracting him from his guilt as he discards of his victims remains.
Once that's done and he's ready to leave the kitchen though, he freezes, remembering his situation. The flowers.. and Hinata-kun.
See, Hinata-kun getting him flowers isn't uncommon. Of course, that's obvious just from seeing his kitchen, but he feels the need to elaborate because it's still kind of lost on him.
It's typically a romantic gesture, but Komaeda’s also just always loved flowers, so while at the start he was slightly confused by the new habit, it settled quickly into his brain. Hinata-kun is his friend (a new development from the past months he still can't explain) and friends get each other gifts. Komaeda loves flowers, so why not give that, right? It was sweet and unnecessary and it made Komaeda way too happy to handle, but that's all it was, and it made sense once he figured it out.
Now it doesn't make sense at all, and it's making him rather anxious to talk to Hinata-kun, which is bad because.. well, he's still at the boys house.
His eyes settle on the vase of Kuroyuri for a moment before wandering to Hinata-kun back at the couch. Komaeda comes here all the time, mostly because he's always happiest when around Hinata-kun but also because of his aversion to his own quiet, dull home, and of course he doesn't trust himself with the upkeep of his flowers, so they stay here, giving him another reason to hang out at Hinata-kun's house, a ‘well’ written excuse of ‘I’d just like to check on my flowers!’ that Hinata-kun has surprisingly never called him out on. That arrangement was great until now, but..
He quietly sighs, taking slow steps back to Hinata-kun before he settles next to him once again, trying his best to ignore the smile he sends his way.
The flowers.
He wants to stop thinking about them, absolutely despising the way they're interrupting his time with him, distracting him from such a lovely experience with his only friend, but the flowers- the flowers leave such a sour taste on his tongue that he just can't help but question, is he really my friend?
His love of flowers sprouted from isolation. He spent most of his time hospitalised growing up, having no friends to speak of from his rare days at school and eventually no parents (even when they were around, they barely visited), leaving him alone except for the occasional researchers desperate to understand why a boy so young had dementia. He never had the answers to their questions of course, he couldn't even be considered an actual case because it was just his luck, leaving them disappointed each and every time. The ache that came suffocated him when he watched them leave, knowing they'd never come back, so overtime.. he began to make up stories. He'd lie to them about his illness for attention as he desperately hoped he'd be entertaining enough to make them stay. It's something he still feels shameful for today, but those stories eventually led to his love for writing, which then led to his love of books. God, does he love books. Always there for him, letting him actually learn like the other kids did in school, something he couldn't do in his hospital bed. Even now, years after the hospital stopped caring for him, he cherishes books like nothing else.
The hospital didn't have many books that interested him until he found the one on Hanakotoba, the language of flowers.
It all led to flowers meaning a lot to him. It's why he loves them so, and when he loves things he always does his best to learn every little thing about them, so, because of all that, he knows things. He knows tulips continue to grow after being cut and he knows how lots of flowers are bisexual. He knows about Kuroyuri, how it's called ‘Fritillaria’ in English countries, how some subspecies of it (like the one Hinata-kun got him) smell horrible but some others don't, how some are used medicinally and others are toxic. He knows they're endangered from overpicking, and.. and he knows what they mean.
‘Hinata-kun must do too, right?’ He thinks to himself, playing with his hands awkwardly. Komaeda has mentioned the Hanakotoba to him more than once, and Kuroyuri have an incredibly prominent role in it– not just that, but they're rather ugly, so.. so there's no obvious reason to get them for someone unless you actively know the meaning behind them. There's too much proof pointing to the idea that Hinata-kun knows and he's done this on purpose. He curls up with his knees to his chest as inconspicuously as possible because Hinata-kun must know, he must– he, he has to. And if he does know, then.. then this must be Hinata-kun's way of cutting him off.
Kuroyuri means curse. To give someone a Kuroyuri is to tell them that they're a burden, a curse– unless, of course, you care for that person, because it has the double meaning of love, but that was ruled out instantly for obvious reasons. Hinata-kun is kind, too kind for his own good. If he wasn't, he wouldn't even be here, by Komaeda's side, so.. so the flower must be his way of silently communicating that they were done. It was obvious. Komaeda was a curse on Hinata-kun's life.
He should be leaving. Hinata-kun is probably fed up with his stupidity, wondering how he hasn't figured it out yet. He should go, go and never bother him again, be grateful that Hinata-kun's being so nice– because if Hinata-kun were anyone else, Komaeda's sure he would've been kicked out by now. He shouldn't risk it anymore, he needs to stop being so criminally selfish.
..Hinata-kun's body radiates warmth. He doesn't look sick of him at all, but it's not unusual for Komaeda to misunderstand those things, so he doesn't know for sure. Hinata-kun isn't paying attention to him, just.. watching the TV, as if the stench of Komaeda's spirit isn't obvious and choking. Everything about this situation leaves him.. frozen, stuck in place. Barely thinking, gaze fixed on Hinata-kun.
Eventually, Hinata-kun turns to glance at him, pausing as he notices the gaze. A small smile spreads onto his freckled face, waving at him. When Komaeda still stays silent though, Hinata-kun's smile melts away, raising his eyebrow. He doesn't look concerned, just slightly confused.
“..Yyyyeah? What is it?”
Finally forcing himself to avert his eyes, Komaeda angles his head towards the ground and stares there instead. His hands fidget with the soft material of his pants, voice too shaky for his liking when it surfaces.
“...the… flowers.”
Hinata-kun blinks at him, tilting his head. “The flowers? ..Uh, did you not like them?” Spiked hair shakes with him as he chuckles to himself, sounding embarrassed as he continues, “..they do kinda smell bad, I admit..”
In truth he didn't like them, didn't like the thoughts they brung, but he shakes his head despite that, still too soft around Hinata-kun to bear upsetting him with the facts. Hinata-kun may not care for him anymore but he's still kind enough to not kick him out, kind enough to send the message with flowers of all things.. Komaeda couldn't forgive himself if he upset him, not again. He's already upset him enough, what with their former rivalry in the past and Komaeda's depressing incompetence at being a good friend in the present. He truly loathes the act of lying, left feeling more rotten than usual as he shakes his head, it's just that the idea of Hinata-kun's disappointed face hurts too much to let him think any further on his actions.
“It's not that, Hinata-kun. It's..” The words choke him as they crawl out of his throat, leaving sticky black footprints in his esophagus that threaten to suffocate him as he speaks.
“I know what they mean.”
Closing his eyes, he lets himself hope that maybe Hinata-kun doesn't know, maybe Hinata-kun still wants him. He pushes away the thought just as he always does, refusing to be so selfish– Hinata-kun is finally acknowledging his worthlessness and it's good because it'll ensure the boy's safety. Keeping Hinata-kun around is a hazard that only benefits his own trashy feelings which obviously don't matter, so he needs to stop just stop and–
“Y-..you do?”
Komaeda's head snaps up, eyes blinking open in a flurry to examine Hinata-kun's expression, and..
..no.
No, no, no.. Hinata-kun is anxious. He's looking away (‘he can't bear to look at me') and fidgeting with his tie (‘he's uncomfortable, he's uncomfortable with me). He knows. If it wasn't obvious before, it is now. He knows and he chose those flowers on purpose– he's sick of him.
Suddenly, Komaeda is shaking. His vision blurs, making him believe he must be about to faint before he realises it's tears. Oh, oh god.. he's crying infront of Hinata-kun. Hinata-kun turns to him with his mouth open in anticipation to speak before he freezes in place at the sight of Komaeda, (‘i must look so pitiful, so disgusting, i need to be cracked open and buried just like that UGLY flower') and he hates that face the face of pity it's the worst face anyone can ever make and it looks revolting even on a face as beautiful as Hinata-kun's and it brings him back to the nurses who'd make the face everytime they saw him always fake they didn't care but it'd be there always the pity the pity the pity the
..
He's being hugged. Being hugged? ..By the nurses? No, that doesn't make sense. Is it his mother? No, he barely remembers the last time she hugged him. She's dead, in fact. They're all dead. Everyone who's ever hugged him is dead, and then some. When people care.. they get hurt. They get hurt, always, so.. so he needs to push whoever this is away, keep them safe. He.. he has to, he doesn't want to hurt them, he.. he, please, he begs himself to push them away, begs his body to move already. Please.
Instead though, he finds himself melting into them.
Whoever they were doesn't seem to matter anymore because the warmth of their chest against his has scorned and burned them both so heavily that he can't tell the difference between them anymore. Through his blurry sight, he looks down to where they're connected and attempts to find where he begins and the other person ends, but it's to no avail– they're one, now. Of course, he isn't surprised– it's just his luck that he'd trap them like this when they all they did was offer support. Maybe if he pulls away now they'd be able to cut themselves off of him, saw through melted together skin and tissue and save themself, but.. no matter how hard he tries, Komaeda is always nothing if not selfish and.. and it's such a nice feeling. He naturally runs cold but.. but he's warm here. He feels safe and comforted by the warm arms around him like a child wrapped in blankets drinking homemade soup. He feels everything he's ever wanted. He feels peace. ‘If they're one being now, is it even selfish?’, he wonders. ‘Is it selfish to hurt them like this if they're me?’
…
Panicked breathing slows. As it does, Komaeda's mind finally seems to remember that the person holding him is Hinata-kun, and that they are not the same person no matter how much he wishes they were. His face is red, but not from the crying. He feels so incredibly shameful about letting Hinata-kun see him like this, forcing the boy to comfort him. He was so manipulative and horrible and he didn't mean to be but- but he was and now he's hurting Hinata-kun. He can't lie to himself anymore and say that he wants to pull away though, so he simply tilts his head up to look at Hinata-kun.
It's a strange angle because he's always been taller than Hinata-kun, so seeing underneath the boy's chin as he rests his own head on Hinata-kun's large chest is.. different, but nice. Hinata-kun is looking down at him and that face is still there but this time Komaeda's calm enough that he can ignore it, focusing on all the faded freckles Hinata-kun's face has instead of the frown on his moving lips and the tilt of his eyebrows. The ringing in his ears fades as he counts those dots, comparing some to constellations he's seen in astrology books, and eventually he can hear Hinata-kun's voice, smooth even as he obviously tries to hide his concern. He's asking Komaeda to take deep breaths, still trying to calm him down, not realising that Komaeda didn't hear him at all during his episode and therefore his words weren't exactly helpful. Komaeda doesn't tell him.
Once his brain registers things again he follows Hinata-kun's lead, breathing deeply in and out as he reflects regretfully on his actions. Letting his dam of emotions collapse on the other boy was unfair, especially because Hinata-kun was trying to be nice about it. Has he accidentally manipulated Hinata-kun into staying, now? Why does he always do this? All he wants is for Hinata-kun to have a safe and happy life… why does he always fail to give him that?
Hinata-kun pulls one arm around Komaeda away, making Komaeda panic momentarily before the grip around him is replaced with a different form of touch, his cheek being cupped by Hinata-kun's hand. The warm palm heats Komaeda up in an instant, warm like his hugs and his smile and his chest, warm like the way he treats others, warm like Komaeda's never felt before him. He's always been so cold and yet Hinata-kun makes him forget he ever felt anything but the warmth, Hinata-kun's warmth enveloping him in a sanctuary where he doesn't have to be anything except warm. It's too amazing and wonderful and warm and he can't run away from it, not even melting this time but still stuck in place. He's held close by Hinata-kun's strong, warm arms and calloused, warm hands and he can't bring himself to do anything but let himself lean into the comforting, warm touch.
It's too gentle, he thinks. Hinata-kun wipes away his dried tears with a gentle thumb and holds him in a soft hug, looking down at him almost fondly. Fondly. It makes Komaeda feel like a sick child or a delicate, limited edition book and he doesn't like it. Hinata-kun looks at him and treats him like he matters and it's wrong, it’s wrong and it's a lie and it's not a nice thing to lie about. It isn't pity, that face, and it's nice, and it hurts. It's sarcastic, must be because nothing else makes sense, but it hurts. He doesn't deserve this treatment, doesn't need it, yet Hinata-kun gives it freely and it's so wonderful and it'll be gone soon, he'll be gone soon. He'll leave Komaeda's cursed self behind and let him rot in wait for the rest of time. He'll leave him, just like he should to keep himself safe, and it's terrifying.
“Hey.”
His voice nearly makes Komaeda jump, kind and worried and so beautiful, all directed at him. He's tricked such a lovely person into being his friend.. oh, how much worse of a person can he get?
“...hi.” He barely mumbles it out in reply, tentatively, sat await in anticipation of the end. Hinata-kun tilts his face, forcing him to look up into his eyes. The action was confident, but his face was not. Hinata-kun looked confused, anxious as if he's done something wrong– a rather foolish thought of course because he's Hinata-kun, he never does any wrong, however Komaeda keeps quiet on that fact in fear of embarrassing the boy and shutting down their well needed conversation. With the insistence of Komaeda’s eye contact, you'd think he'd be doing it too– but Hinata-kun seemed adamant to stare at the wall instead of him for a good long time before he finally spoke up again.
“I'm… sorry..” Hinata-kun starts, and this is it, he knows it. Komaeda can feel it, hear the rest of it pound and shout inside his head. ‘I'm sorry, but I can't be around you anymore. You're too much trouble and I'm tired of putting up with it.’ He didn't doubt that Hinata-kun would elaborate way more on it, but that was the gist. He was being thrown away.
Atleast, that was what he thought, but then…
“I didn't know you'd react so negatively to that.. but I probably should have. I mean, I assume no one's said anything to you like that before and.. a Reserve Course being the first must not feel great. I.. I didn't think that far ahead. I'm stupid. I'm sorry.”
He ends it with a laugh, eyes locked onto Komaeda's own now and– and they're just like his own. They're tired. Sad.
Komaeda's first instinct is to reassure Hinata-kun that he isn't stupid, that he's well-scored in his class for a reason, that he works hard and he's always trying and he's so great but.. but everything else Hinata-kun said gets in the way of his thought process and he's left clueless, dumbstruck. What is he talking about?
He decides to tackle the obvious first.
“Hinata-kun, you're wrong. Of course I've been told those things before.”
Hinata-kun raises his head from where he's lowered it, eyes wide now. “You.. have?” His expression is unreadable once the information settles with him.
“How would I not have? It's obvious..”
Hinata-kun raises his eyebrow at the statement. “..Really? That's.. out of character for you to say.” Then he splutters alittle, shakily smiling. “N-not that there's anything wrong with saying that! I.. I'm glad you're getting more confident.”
“....What?”
“What?”
They both stare at each other, awkwardly. It's too quiet. He notices now that at some point Hinata-kun stopped hugging him and suddenly the cold is back, back and so much worse. He wants to beg for the touch back. He says nothing.
“L-look,” Hinata-kun says, finally breaking the silence, “don't feel bad about it, okay? If you're really that against the idea, enough to.. to cry just thinking about it.. I'll drop it, okay? You don't have to think about it again. I don't want you feeling bad about rejecting me, alright? If you don't want it, I don't want it either. You aren't disappointing me. It's my fault and I'm sorry, so.. please don't get all worried like you usually do about upsetting me.”
Huh? He thinks it, but apparently he says it aloud too, so Hinata-kun repeats himself more clearly this time. “I'm sorry for asking you out, Nagito. But it's on me, okay? Don't feel bad about saying no, I don't blame you at all, I don't want you feeling bad.”
…
..He must've died. He must've died in Hinata-kun's arms earlier and this must be Heaven. That was why Hinata-kun was telling him to breathe, telling him to breathe because he wasn't and he suffocated to death. He brings his hand up to pinch himself hard and it's real and it hurts and it's real. It's too good to be true so he pinches again and again and eventually resorts to biting, biting his hand deep and it hurts and Hinata-kun looks so scared and worried and real. Real. Hinata-kun pulls at his hand, jaw slacking at the contact because it's so real and warm and the hand is out of his mouth now, held by Hinata-kun as the boy checks it over, making sure he's not actually broken skin, because that would be worrying if it was real and it's real.
Hinata-kun asked him out.
“D-don't do that, what the hell Nagito?!” Hinata-kun shouts, voice cracking as his gaze stays fixed on the faint bite mark. ‘Hinata-kun's mad because he's disgusted at the strange act of self harm, disgusted at me and my revolting nature’, his brain says, but for once it's drowned out by another idea, ‘Hinata-kun's mad because he's worried.’ He can't explain it exactly, can't reason why Hinata-kun would ever be worried about trash like him, but it just feels right in his mind for those joyful couple seconds. It feels nice despite his hate for the idea of Hinata-kun worrying, the idea of Hinata-kun feeling any negative emotions at all. He finds himself smiling, almost giggling with joy like the pathetic creature he is and Hinata-kun's expression fades, face softening as he seems to think for a moment before putting on an annoyed face.
“.. Just don't do that, dude.” The annoyed expression falls quickly, too. He seems to be feeling just as much as Komaeda is in this moment. “I've never seen you bite yourself before, so it really freaked me out. ..I wanna apologise for shouting about it, but for some reason you don't.. seem bothered. ..Can I know what's going on?”
Hinata-kun frees his hand but Komaeda doesn't dare to move it. His giggling has faded but his smile is still there, wide but not unnaturally so in the way it is when he freaks out. He just can't stop smiling. Those flowers.. he regretfully ignored their double meaning before, but not anymore. Not ever, anymore. Hinata-kun meant love when he gave those flowers, making no sense whatsoever because (if you asked Komaeda) Hinata-kun is so kind, handsome and hardworking, he could have anyone. Supermodels and idols and all the other pretty people would fall to his feet if he asked, yet he's here asking Komaeda out. He has to be confused, so Komaeda asks again.
“Hinata-kun wants to.. ask me out?” He tries not to sound too hopeful as to not skew the decision in his favour, but it's hard. He never even recognised he had a crush on Hinata-kun until now (and isn't that something, the fact that Hinata-kun fell first?) yet it's all he can do to keep himself in place, to not beg for this man. ..Logically, looking back on things though, he's probably had a crush for awhile and just not realised it. For once he decides it's not his fault, because who wouldn't have a crush on Hinata-kun, seriously.
Hinata-kun looks a little lost as he nods. “Y..yeah. ..Wait, did I not make it obvious? I thought you said you knew the flower.”
Komaeda doesn't know how he'll repay god for this once he gets to the afterlife, but he'll do anything, anything because this is all truly more than he could've ever hoped for (that is, if god isn't the one standing in front of him right now. The idea of Hinata-kun being god makes more sense by the minute, and it helps him rationalise his desire to worship the ground Hinata-kun walks on.) For the time being though, he just giggles all giddy-like.
“I, I thought.. I thought Hinata-kun meant the other meaning.”
“..The other meaning? What other–” Hinata-kun freezes, going pale. “Oh– god no, Nagito! Fuck, I.. ugh, I shouldve thought of that.. of course that would be what you thought of.”
Komaeda just continues to laugh quietly as Hinata-kun buries his head in his hands. This is so unlike him, all happy and childish and open with his feelings, but he feels all different right now. He always feels different around Hinata-kun, safer and more special but.. it's like Hinata-kun's confession went inside his head and scrambled his brains up, frying it like an egg. Hinata-kun grabs his shoulders, face all serious and it just makes him laugh harder.
“I don't think that about you, I–” Hinata-kun can't stay serious of course, cracking up himself. “S-stop laughing at me! I'm trying to be– stop!!’
It's not funny, the miscommunicated idea made him feel like he was suffocating in a deep black pit of despair and it was horrible and yet.. and yet he doesn't care that much, anymore. Hinata-kun's hands are on him and he's laughing and he asked him out. He's always loved reading romance– it's his favourite genre next to mystery and encyclopedia's– and he's always done it wishing that someday, he could be like them. Get in a situation like that, have someone love him. Obviously it was a selfish idea because of how his luck works, and obviously Hinata-kun doesn't love him– the flower meant love, yes, but a lot of flowers do, so it doesn't mean much. He's just trying to be romantic to win the date– but this was close enough that it made his heart pound halfway out of his chest and he thinks that's enough.
“Hinata-kun”, he calls out, liking the new, different way it feels to have his name on his tongue. The brown haired boy shuts up, full attention on Komaeda, not elaborating on his true meaning any further. He doesn't need to and they both know it.
“..uh, yeah?” He's always known Hinata-kun's voice was beautiful, but it sounds so much sweeter now. Sweet like the rest of him, not just in the way of kindness but in the way of sugary confections, from his face to his brain all the way down to his soul. Komaeda usually hates sweet things, but he guesses Hinata-kun is the exception.
“..I'm not upset anymore.”
Komaeda thought it was obvious, but he wanted to say it, just to make sure. It seemed to be the right choice as Hinata-kun softens at it fully, relaxing his shoulders and smiling at him.
“Good. I'm, uh, I'm really happy to hear that.”
His smile is never as big as Komaeda’s unless he's laughing, but Komaeda only adores it more for that. A smaller, more relaxed smile has its own charm, anyway– it feels more real and less exciting, like a calm, inviting happiness instead of the type Komaeda gets when he's manic. It feels like a home instead of a party, a group of two instead of ten. He wonders if Hinata-kun used to smile wider as a child and grew out of it over time, evidenced by the cute little dimples on his cheeks. The knowledge that dimples signify good luck in some cultures slips into his mind, and it gives him enough courage that Hinata-kun will be safe with him to ask what he wants to know.
“Does Hinata-kun mean what he.. or, uhm, what–” “Yes. I- uh, yeah, yeah. I meant it.”
They both blush. Komaeda instinctively goes to hide himself because blush stands out and looks horrible on his pale skin, but he stops himself. This.. this is what people who date do. They blush. Hinata-kun asked him out on a date, so it only makes sense for him to play the part. He.. can have this. Quietly, he asks,
“..Does that mean Hinata-kun wants to be my boyfriend?”
..Hinata-kun goes silent.
Did he say something wrong? Oh, he must've. What was Hinata-kun thinking, asking someone like him out? “Or, ah, was it more of an idea than a commitment? I understand people who just meet eachother to date go on a couple before going official, but because we know eachother I just assumed you would, ah,” He shouldn't have assumed, but of course he did. Worthless pathetic piece of trash, deluding himself so heavily that he almost thought he was wanted. “I- I take it back, I'm sorry. I must've completely ruined this, Hinata-kun must not want anything to do with me now, I'm sorry, I–”
“N-NO!”
Komaeda actually does jump this time, Hinata-kun's incredulous tone shocking him. “...No? Did I say something wrong again? My apologies, I–” “No, no you didn't– ugh.”
‘Ugh’. Is that how he made Hinata-kun feel? He must be so exasperating to deal with.. but just as he starts that line of thought, Hinata-kun is gripping his shoulders tighter, (oh, he didn't let go this time) shaking his head.
“No, I'm sorry, I'm.. ugh. I'm really bad at this and I keep shouting at you, I need to stop but I'm just really emotional right now and it's hard to control, I'm sorry.” Hinata-kun sighs, lightening his grip as his hands trails down, landing on Komaeda's hands, hovering over them awkwardly for a second before glancing back up at him. “..Can I touch you?”
Komaeda nods, immediately. He's alittle confused why Hinata-kun’s asking that now of all times, as he's touched him quite alot today without asking, but he doesn't mind. He doesn't think he could ever mind Hinata-kun's touch, honestly. (although that was wrong, actually. Even with his love running so deep, he would likely refuse Hinata-kun's touch during heavy breakdowns, as that's just how he was. Right now he thinks it's useless to ask, but he'll be grateful one day, even if he won't understand it.)
Hinata-kun takes his hands in his and intertwines them, tan against pale against tan. It felt wonderful, wonderful enough to take his mind of his own self doubts and listen to Hinata-kun wholeheartedly.
“I-I’m bad at this. Really, really bad. I know you brush it off when I say that because your opinion is weirdly high of me but I'm– I'm kind of incompetent when dealing with my emotions, Nagito. I get overwhelmed and go silent when I get too happy and I freak out and get mad when I'm worried and–.. and I'm trying to be better and I will be someday but please GOD don't internalise everything I do and say as proof that you're ‘bad’ or whatever. I-.. I know it's hard because I feel the same as you, but I..” He's so red now that Komaeda imagines if he took his hand away and cupped Hinata-kun's face like the other boy did earlier, they truly would melt together. Hinata-kun coughs in a nervous fashion and it feels like the most endearing thing he's ever seen. “I like you, Nagito. ..Not just as a friend. I like you alot, it's why I'm asking you out, and I've liked you for awhile. It's not just gonna change for some small little reason, even if I'm acting weirdly. That's just.. me being weird. I froze up because I was.. I was happy that you asked that, really happy. I was going to say yes, so you don't need to take it back.”
..Komaeda slowly processes the boy's words, feeling as if he was going to overheat. Eventually he nods, ignoring how dizzy it makes him. This must be the end of the world because he's not worried that this will hurt Hinata-kun at all, not now atleast– he will worry later, and it'll be a big problem they'll struggle through together, but it'll be together and it'll be.. it'll be warm, just like this. Like him. His boyfriend.
There's one last thing he has to ask, but he's worried it may make him faint at this rate, so he puts it off. They've already established so much in one conversation, one hour, one moment, and Hinata-kun's his boyfriend now, so they'll have more time. It'd be silly to do everything now, all so quickly while they're still so happy– it'll be better if they give themselves some time first, more special. Today has been the best day of his life and he'd be spoiling himself to ask for more, so..
kissing can wait.