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Hyung, it’s me. How have you been?
One day, after receiving a message from Sangwon, Leo’s long, monotonous routine began to grow colorful and complicated. Leo had never liked complexity. To him, life was supposed to be simple, clear, and something he could control. That was engrained in Leo’s personality.
The first thing that ever disrupted that was a boy he’d met years ago—a trainee with chubby cheeks, an innocent-looking kid who reminded Leo of a hamster. A cute younger sibling. The second thing to disrupt Leo’s life was, unsurprisingly, that same kid again. The problem was that this kid didn’t look like the same hamster from back then.
“Hyung, look at this. Jaehyung-hyung told me to pick one that would suit me—can you help me decide? I said I wanted a pair after seeing how pretty his loafers were, and he just said he’d give me a pair, haha…”
“He’s just giving it to you?”
“Yeah. Do you want a pair too? I can ask if he’ll give me another.”
“No, I’m good. But Sangwon, what happened to your hand?”
“Oh, this? I fell yesterday.”
Seeing Sangwon’s pretty fingers covered in so many bandages it was hard to tell whether they were scraped or bruised—Leo frowned. That must’ve hurt like hell. He probably cried while it happened too. Even injured, Sangwon fashion was important to him, metal rings neatly stacked on his fingers. That made Leo feel strangely uneasy.
“How did you fall that badly? Are you sure you just fell?”
“Well… I woke up like this after drinking…honestly I don’t remember. The hyungs just said I fell, so I guess that’s what happened.”
“Sangwon…”
What are you doing to yourself? It’s making me so anxious, I can’t live like this.
Back when they were trainees dreaming together, Leo hadn’t realized that Lee Sangwon was far more impulsive and careless than he’d thought. Maybe it started after he quit being a trainee. After losing his dream, Sangwon started displacing his desire onto other things as compensation. That showed up in his sudden attachment to material things—especially objects—or in how he clung to cigarettes and alcohol he’d picked up from his friends after he quit being a trainee.
“What time did you wake up today?”
“Umm… around eleven? Maybe later—I slept really late.”
“Did you eat breakfast?”
“I asked you to help me pick out shoes. Why do you keep changing the subject?”
“Sangwon, are shoes your food? Did you eat lunch or not?”
“….No. But I’m really not that hungry.”
So that’s why, after quitting training, Sangwon had lost weight fast. A kid who used to stockpile cup ramen and eat two burgers at once now skipped meals unless someone took care of it for him. Leo had thought Sangwon was dieting at first, but he wasn’t. The soft cheeks Leo loved were gone. Sangwon rolled his eyes, sensing what Leo was thinking. “Ah—no, hyung. I’m just hungover. I drank yesterday, so I was gonna eat once my stomach settled.” Sangwon pulled back the phone he’d offered earlier and turned the screen off. Seeing that, Leo felt guilty. Why are you like this Leo? You’re making him walk on eggshells…
“What do you want to eat?”
“Uh,...a hamburger.”
“No. Not a hamburger. Eat real food. Pick something Korean.”
“Why’d you even ask? You’re just picking whatever you want.”
Out of exasperation, Leo opened a delivery app. After scrolling through hangover-friendly food, he ordered from the soup place Sangwon always liked when he visited the studio.
Come to think of it, he’d first ordered from that place because of Sangwon. One day, Sangwon showed up at Leo’s studio completely wasted. It hadn’t been long since he left the company, and Leo had rubbed his eyes in disbelief. Is that really the Sangwon I know?
When Sangwon casually asked how he’d been and said he missed him, he’d seemed fine. Tired, sure, but still the Sangwon that Leo remembered.
“Hyung…” Sangwon didn’t wear contact lenses because they felt uncomfortable so when his vision was blurry, he’d narrow his eyes slightly—like now. That was the look he had when he was thinking or focusing.
“Junghoo-hyung asked me if you had a boyfriend yesterday.”
Who the hell is Junghoo-hyung now? How do you know this person?
Leo turned toward Sangwon after finishing the order. Sangwon, chin propped on the desk, looked up at him. His big glossy eyes (Leo’s favorite) had a strange glimmer.
Oh god. He’s having weird thoughts again.
“Who is Junghoo-hyung…?”
“He’s Jaehyung-hyung’s friend. A rapper who performs in Itaewon sometimes. I listened to his SoundCloud—he’s pretty good.”
“Why is he asking about my dating life?”
“He’s gay. He saw your photos on my phone and said you were his type.”
“…Why is he looking at your phone?”
More important than someone liking him, Leo cared about why someone was casually browsing Sangwon’s photos. He stared at Sangwon blankly. Sangwon’s gaze slowly cooled.
“He asked if you had a boyfriend. Aren’t you gonna answer?” Straightening up, Sangwon tilted his head. “I told him you do.”
“Good.”
“I said you two have been together a long time, broke up once…”
“….”
“But recently got back together, and basically live together.”
Another thing that’s different: Sangwon no longer held back how he expressed things. Every time he spoke so bluntly, Leo didn’t know what to do. This was the same kid who couldn’t even hug him when Leo announced he was leaving the company, the one who cried silently from afar.
What happened to him during those months Leo wasn’t around?
“Good job. You handled it cleanly.”
“You’re just praising with words?”
“What do you want, Lee Sangwon?”
“You’re great and all, hyung, but you have zero read for the mood.”
What kind of “mood” do you mean, Sangwon? Leo chuckled and tilted his head, inviting him to try. Sangwon pouted, reached out, and grabbed Leo by the nape of the neck.
How did my baby hamster grow up so fast?
Happy yet strangely melancholy, Leo turned his face slightly as Sangwon leaned in. Their lips met, breaths tangling. Sangwon’s tongue brushed Leo’s lower lip, and Leo deepened the kiss, enclosing him fully.
Sangwon… if only I could hold all the wounds you got when I wasn’t there.
Leo brushed Sangwon’s bangs aside gently. Sangwon’s lashes trembled. Pretending to be grown up. Their lips parted reluctantly, a thin thread connecting them before breaking. Sangwon’s eyes, when he opened them, looked wet—like he’d cried. Leo’s heart dropped. Sangwon, don’t cry. Does it still hurt? Losing your dream?
“’I’m not crying.”
“I know. You’re grown up now—you don’t cry much.”
“Stop teasing me. It’s annoying.”
“Why are you annoyed? Is it because you haven’t eaten so your stamina’s low?”
“Can you stop nagging already?”
Sangwon pressed a palm to Leo’s shiny lips, grumbling. Complaining that Leo nagged more now, asking where the Aussie rizz went. Leo laughed aloud without realizing it.
Neermind, Lee Sangwon hasn’t changed at all.
“Let’s eat, then go out?”
“Oh? The homebody’s suggesting we go out?”
“You said there was an exhibition you wanted to see.”
“Oh! Right! Is it still on? But my outfit’s kind of…”
While Sangwon couldn’t stand not being put together, Leo who was always more casual thought he looked fine. But seeing Sangwon’s sulky face, he suggested stopping by his place (which was closer than Sangwon’s) to change. They shared clothes anyways.
Sometimes Leo thought they might as well live together, but he worried about putting pressure on Sangwon.. At Leo’s place, Sangwon excitedly went straight to the closet.
“It’s nice that you have a lot of cool clothes,” calling it “Lee-geup,” he chattered excitedly in the way he used to talk a lot back when they were trainees.
“Hyung! I wanna try this!”
“Go ahead.”
“This one’s pretty too!”
“Yeah, that would suit you”
Leo wondered if they’d ever leave today when Sangwon picked up a long coat.
“Hyung, this is the one you bought in Berlin, right?”
“Yeah. It would look good with the pants you’re wearing.”
“Yesss….okay I’ll wear this then!”
Seeing Sangwon fully transformed into a fully dressed-up like a full on fashion boy, Leo pursed his lips, almost disappointed. The cropped hoodie he had on earlier had been cuter. Still, when he saw Sangwon in the Berlin coat, the one he’d agonized over buying, he thought should I just give it to him? It looks like it found its owner.
Leo gave a thumbs up. Sangwon smiled, doing some strange happy motion. Cute.
—-
The exhibition Sangwon wanted to see was by Elmgreen & Dragset. He explained their story softly, eyes bright—how they were both lovers and artistic partners.
“Isn’t it romantic? Working together as a couple? I think it’d be nice if we did that too.”
“Yeah… I’d like that. Together. With you.”
“Someday?”
“Someday. When you’re ready.”
When Leo said that and looked at Sangwon with eyes like he knew everything, Sangwon, unsure about what exactly he liked so much about Leo’s answer, smiled with his eyes. I take back what I said about my hyung having no sense of romance.
Sangwon laughed and said this was the most romantic place and that photos would come out great here and told Leo to take a picture here once before they go. As Sangwon stared blankly at the sculpture placed in front of him for a while, Leo also stood next to him without saying anything. Sometimes, Lee Sangwon had moments like this where he was lost in thought as if nobody else existed around him. Maybe it was because he really was “the personification of an INFP,” so full of thoughts and sensitivity, or maybe it was that plus Lee Sangwon’s own particular way of being—but sometimes Sangwon would say something, or write something, that surprised Leo enough to make him flinch.
After the exhibition, Sangwon stared quietly at a sculpture.
“Hyung… they loved each other for ten years. But they broke up.” Sangwon pauses, then follows
“We broke up, but we came back together.”
“….”
“When you left, I was so consumed by my sadness. But when I left… it made me think more about how sad you must’ve been.” Leo turned to him, speechless. Sangwon’s face didn’t look very sad, but it also didn’t look okay - it was just still in between being sad and being ok. Lee Sangwon who lost his dream, and Lee Sangwon who only after losing his dream regained Lee Leo again, had a subtle feeling throughout, where sadness and happiness appropriately offset each other.
“I know you worry when you look at me.”
“Sangwon.”
“But don’t. I was hurt when I quit, yeah—but I’m not unhappy. I found something I lost, in a way. What I’m saying is…I’m glad you’re by my side. Because I have you as a love, a friend, family…I’m not entirely unhappy. ”
“Hyung, I’ll stop wandering now. I’ll stop making you anxious.”
“It would be a lie to say I wasn’t anxious…so thank you.”
“For what?”
“For finding me again. When no one else did. I’m not unhappy either, because I have you Sangwon.” He doesn’t say the next bit aloud but…
Thank you for inviting me back into your life that’s full of romance. Thank you for including me in that romance. I might look like I’m fine but I get lonely a lot, and I’m grateful you made space by your side for me again.
“Do you believe in romance, Sangwon?”
“Yeah, I’m the type that does.”
“Do you think life can be so full of romance you can’t feel pain or happiness?”
“Yes, absolutely.”
“Even if all you have is romance when you leave this life?”
“Romance is everything to me. When I leave, I want to leave with that kind of story.”
“What kind of story?”
“That I was never not romantic. Everything was romantic. I lived a romantic life.”
Lee Sangwon really is romance itself. When Leo said that and laughed like he couldn’t help himself, Sangwon followed with a thin little smile. “Hyung, you’re not much better. Don’t go around saying you’re an INTP.” Leo answered, “That’s just what happens since I’m around you so often. I’m starting to be just like you”
“Romantic boy, Lee Sangwon…if you’re done, let’s go home?”
“Home? Yours?”
“Wherever you want.”
“Then… can I stay over?”
“Of course.”
On the way home, Sangwon remembered something...the shoes.
“Hyung, are you sure you don’t need them? I thought they’d suit you better.” Not Leo’s style at all—but to Sangwon, this too was romance.
“Alright. No reason to refuse a free gift.”
“Yes! See? This one with your black jeans would be perfect. Which one do you like?”
“Either. I like whatever you pick.”
“Yesss! I already chose one. This one suits you.”
He sent a cheerful message with emojis to Jaehyung-hyung about the loafers.
Leo poked Sangwon’s cheek. Still cute. Sangwon…my Sangwon.
Sangwon… when the time comes, let’s do it together again.
Romance is everything.