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Shepard had few regrets in her life. Skipping her calculus classes so she could run drugs for the Reds. Using a different brand of hair dye. Eating poké from a new stand in Zakera Ward. She had a feeling that this vid might would be joining her Mount Rushmore of regrets.
It had all started innocently enough. Jane noticed a general discontent among the field crew and, as their leader, had acted accordingly. Everyone received a message in their inboxes setting a date and time, with surveys for snacks and vid options. The surveys had been anonymous, which Jane now recognized as her second mistake. Her third mistake had been to ask EDI to pick one of the vids at random. The first mistake? Hoping that these people could act like fucking adults. Now she was stuck in starboard observation with some of the most dangerous people in the galaxy, and she wondered if the collectors could come around and blow her up again.
—
‘These agents are too flashy. They wouldn’t need the neuralyzers if they were good at their job.’ Jane jumped as Kasumi’s voice rose from below her seat. She looked down and found the master spy laying on her stomach, neatly tucked under the couch.
‘I agree with Kasumi.’ Thane stood at the back of the room, arms crossed over his chest.
‘I believe they could have approached this being in-‘
‘Shhh!’ A piece of popcorn, propelled by biotics, bounced off Kasumi’s hood. ‘I’m watching the vid.’ Jacob nodded his head toward the screen. Jane watched Kasumi blip out of vision as she activated her stealth device. Fuck. She flipped her Omni-tool onto dark mode and pulled up her messenger.
JShep: you can’t kill Jacob
GotoK: can’t or shouldn’t
JShep: either
JShep: both
JShep: please
GotoK: fine
JShep: thank you
GotoK: for now
—
‘How are we supposed to know which ones are the aliens?’ Garrus whispered toward Jane. He was sat next to Jane on the couch, and was pointedly not letting any part of his body touch any part of her body. An admirable attempt to avoid disrupting the crew; unfortunately, it meant that his bulky armor was nearly crushing Tali against the arm of the couch.
‘What?’ Zaeed gestured at the annelids onscreen, who were doing some very rude things to the MIB coffee stand. ‘It’s the alien-lookin’ ones.’
‘We don’t know what earth has,’ said Tali. ‘Those could be earth creatures.’
‘Just assume that if it’s not human, it’s an alien.’ Jane said, hoping that she didn’t sound too impatient.
—
‘As if the government could hide aliens from us, we knew about turians right away.’ Joker threw a huge handful of popcorn at his mouth. He did not seem interested in cleaning up the kernels he had missed.
‘They hid the asari from you for six hundred years, by my count.’ Samara responded from her spot on the floor, where she had folded herself into lotus pose for the movie.
‘They- wait, what?’
—
‘Oh keelah, what is that thing-‘
‘Why did you make that up, what’s wrong with humans-‘
‘Shepard-Commander, this unit is experiencing fear-‘
Jane slumped in her seat. ‘It’s just a pug.’
From across the room, big black eyes blinked. ‘Fascinating! A product of human interference in evolution. Very salarian! Wasn’t aware they could speak.’
Jane pressed her head into her palms until she could see the dim glow of her cybernetic iris against her eyelids.
—
‘Weak.’ Grunt’s voice boomed through the room, many decibels louder than the volume of the vid. ‘The Arquillians should not have announced their intent to go to war.’
Jane frowned at him. ‘They’re giving them time to fix things before they have to go to war.’
‘They should have made a decisive strike-‘
‘Shhhhh!’
Jane watched a kernel of popcorn ricochet off Grunt’s armor. Grunt stood, looking at the little piece of food at his feet. Then he started to laugh - a slow, ominous chuckle that rattled the screen. Jane sighed and typed out a reminder on her Omni-tool: make sure Grunt knows he can’t kill Jacob.
—
‘Hey, that’s you.’ Jack punched Garrus’ leg from her spot on the floor.
‘The …. Bug?’ He blinked back down at the biotic. Zaeed barked a laugh from his perch on the back of the other couch.
Miranda turned toward Jack. She had somehow dragged her desk chair all the way down for this, and her back was getting more and more rigid as each minute of the movie passed. ‘Jack, you cannot compare your teammates to a bug.’
‘You’re a fucking bug, cheerleader.’
‘Even you must know that wasn’t a very good comeback.’
‘Shut up. You bug the hell outta me, that’s for fucking sure.’
Jane looked at Miranda out of the corner of her eye and shook her head. Miranda dropped her right hand, which had been just about to launch a ball of biotic energy at Jack’s head.
From the corner of the room, Thane started snoring.
—
‘Okay, vid’s over, great team building, everyone!’ Jane stood up. Finally, she was free to leave.
‘Wait, Shepard! There’s a music video.’ Tali pointed at the screen.
‘Rap music, very similar to patter songs.’ Mordin bounced his head to the rhythm of the song.
—
Samara smiled serenely at Jane. ‘Shepard, you did not have to stay and clean up.’
‘No, I did.’ Jane pulled a skittle out from under the couch. ‘I’m sorry they made such a mess of your room.’
‘It was to be expected. They are a boisterous group.’
Jane held her hands up in resignation. ‘Hey, you said it, not me.’
‘That being said, I hoped this vid would bring everyone together a bit more.’
Jane turned to look at the justicar, who was stretching out her legs. ‘What? What do you- what-‘
Samara smiled at Jane. ‘Yes, Shepard?’
‘When did you watch Men in Black?’
‘Perhaps sometime I shall tell you about the Willenium.’