Work Text:
You reap what you sow.
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Behind a locked door, Mizuki slumped against the wall, hugging her knees to her face.
Fuck, she cursed herself. I’m such an idiot.
Not only did she potentially ruin her chance of ever telling the others of her secret, but also their friendship.
Everything was all over.
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I ran away, and I kept on running…
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Despite a couple hours earlier, she was spilling her heart to Ena, a mess of snot mixed with tears in that sunset-colored hallway, Mizuki found herself unable to cry now. A familiar numbness overtook her, eerily similar to the way she felt when she was at her lowest— junior high. To be fair, she had been in that same position against the door for God knows how long?
Finally checking her phone, it read 01:00. 25:00. That meant Ena and the others were online, working on their newest song. Or would they discuss the whereabouts of Mizuki? Did they care enough that she was missing? She did not want to open up Nightcord, afraid of what she would see.
Instead, she slowly rose up from where she was sitting, unsteady and wobbling towards her desk with a dull look on her face— a stark contrast from the day before the school festival, or even a couple hours before the incident. At least she was no longer hiding her true self.
Rummaging through her drawers, impatience took over her from not being able to find what she was looking for.
“Where is the stupid thing?” she mumbled in frustration. After a few minutes of cursing herself and throwing things out of her drawer, Mizuki stumbled upon what she was looking for— a small blush pink pocketknife. It was given to her by Rui on her birthday, who had also gone through personal demons throughout middle school.
“A gift to celebrate the act of inching a year closer to death.” He told her with a smile as he handed it to her, a tired look in his eyes. Of course when they reunited in high school, Rui practically threatened her to throw the knife away, who felt immensely guilty for giving such a thing.
I’m sorry for lying to you, Rui. She whispered before vertically running the small knife down her forearm, slashing the skin open. Mizuki had been clean for so long that the stinging and the sight of the open wound felt so foreign.
She stared at the blood that bloomed out of the cut, which spread across her arm, a lifeless expression gracing her face. It made her feel strangely comforted, momentarily forgetting the bridge she created between her friends. Suddenly, a small smile crept up on her face, as tears started to spill out of her eyes.
I’m sorry Ena, Mafuyu, Kanade. I don’t think we can ever be together again, Three lines appeared on her other forearm, the blood slowly oozing out and dripping onto the fuzzy rose-colored carpet. But I don’t regret meeting you all.
The image of Ena's pouting lips, Mafuyu's deadpan face and monotone voice, and the feeling of Kanade's warmth would forever be engraved into her mind for the rest of time.
And Mizuki thought of An, Toya, and Lil’bro. She thought of An’s beautiful ombre hair adorned with stars, smiling face, and her kindness. She thought of Toya’s helpfulness and airheadedness, which made him endearing. She thought of Lil’bro. She was going to miss making fun of him whenever she showed up to school.
Two more cuts to her inner left thigh and one more on her right. It was addicting— watching the blood slowly trickling down her leg and staining the ground beneath her. The sharp pain that followed afterwards was the only thing keeping her grounded. And boy did she laugh at herself, rubbing her hand against her eyes, which smeared blood and tears all over her face.
“Man, I’m such a fool for thinking that I could ever fit in, or belong anywhere. Ha.” Her smile widened as she started to laugh harder, the tears falling quicker and her breathing becoming more unsteady.
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And all the while, I hoped someone would eventually say it for me.
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When she was done, Mizuki tossed the knife under her bed and curled up against the floor, when tears of regret started to flow out of her eyes. It seemed as if all the hard work escaping that tormented headspace fell down to the ground, and she was at rock bottom all over again.
How cruel. Mizuki sobbed quietly, rocking herself as a distraction to the immense shame she felt in that moment.
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Be careful what you wish for, huh.
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She was left with no other choice but to disappear.
So she opened her phone, and entered SEKAI.
She ran as far away as she could, even if her thighs stung so bad.
Afterall, everything was merely temporary. Nothing ever lasts anyway.
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Ugh.
I want to disappear.
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