Chapter Text
It had been about a month since the battle with Shroud and Robert was doing… surprisingly good, all things considered. Sure, the whole ordeal had definitely been some flavour of traumatic that he really didn't feel like looking deeply into but things were actually going well! The Z-Team were really coming into their own as heroes and while their chaos definitely was not ever going away, Robert couldn't help but feel a swell of pride in his chest when he thought back to where they had started. He knew better than to say as much to the team though; everyone would tease him mercilessly for being a sap, aside from Waterboy who seemed to genuinely appreciate the praise.
Speaking of Waterboy, it was he who was the focus of the Z-Team's mission tonight. However, this wasn't a mission that had anything to do with being a superhero. No, the Z-Team had taken it upon themselves to make this the night that Waterboy got absolutely plastered. Though the team frequented various bars after work and it wasn't like Waterboy never drank, it wasn't long before someone—Flambae, if Robert was remembering correctly—noticed that they had never seen Waterboy actually drunk. With some embarrassment at being the centre of attention, Waterboy had shrugged it off, chalking it up to his water powers dampening the effects of alcohol and the fact that he didn't really like drinking beer all that much. Unfortunately, to both their credit and detriment, the Z-Team was nothing if not persistent.
It was the sudden discovery of Waterboy's surprisingly high tolerance that led to the scene Robert was currently witnessing as he came out of the bathroom. Waterboy was sitting in the centre of a curved booth with the Z-Team surrounding him, a scene that reminded him of that one old painting with Jesus in it. Honestly, Robert didn't really know anything about art. However, something about what he was watching was so absurd it could have made for a beautiful painting. The team was excitedly chanting, "CHUG, CHUG, CHUG," as Waterboy, face as red as a tomato, downed yet another beer before dramatically slamming it down on the table, adding it to the frankly absurd number of empty bottles and glasses that had accumulated.
To be fair, Robert knew Waterboy hadn't drank all of what was on the table but he had definitely had the most out of anyone that night. Robert had been concerned, to say the least, when he heard about the team's Friday night plans earlier that day and had felt the need to pull Waterboy aside before entering the bar.
"Hey, Waterboy. Or, uh, Herm?" Robert had said. "You know that you don't have to let them pressure you into this, right? I mean, yeah, booze is fun but it can get… less fun pretty quick if you're not careful. I don't want you getting yourself into a situation you're not okay with."
Waterboy had nodded with surprising confidence in response. "I-I know, Robert. They—ah—they're loud- Vocal about it, yeah. But I'm- I'm an adult! It'll be good—helpful—to know my, uh, limits, y'know? How far or, um, long I can go without causing h-harm to myself!"
"I see where you're coming from, bud. But the team… They're not always the most mindful of this kind of stuff. As much as I love 'em, I don't want them getting you shitfaced and then just leaving you alone because they forgot they got you shitfaced," Robert replied before pinching the bridge of his nose and sighing. "Would it… Would it bother you if I kept an eye on you? Subtly. I just don't want them getting you into shit."
Waterboy gave a lopsided smile in response, his cheeks as rosy as ever. "I- That- Okay! Thank you, sir—er—Robert! Though I-I'm sure I'll be, uh, a-okay!"
Waterboy was definitely not "a-okay", as he had put it a couple hours ago. Not that he was in distress or anything but, man, was Robert glad he himself only had one beer that night. After chugging his last beer, Waterboy had flopped boneless onto the table in front of him, giggling uncontrollably as water leaked everywhere. He had gained significantly better control of his powers lately—his puddles were becoming less and less common by the day—but being as inebriated as he was had thrown all of that progress out the window.
Punch Up was patting Waterboy hard on the back, shouting "Attaboy!", while Prism snapped pictures of Flambae and Malevola poking Waterboy, but none of it seemed to be registering. It was clear: Waterboy was drunk-drunk. He had overheard Prism call him "white girl wasted" and snorted before immediately feeling bad about doing so, even if Waterboy hadn't heard him. In any case, Robert knew that it was time to get Waterboy out of here.
Robert strode over to the crowded table. "Alright, kid, I think you've had enough for the night. Let's get you home."
Waterboy looked up at Robert from where his face had been smushed into the table, eyes glassy behind his goggles. "'M not a kid, Rob-Robert… 'M Herman. Herrrrrman. That's m' name. Told you, like… a month ago."
"Okay then, Herman," Robert replied, mildly amused. "We definitely need to get you out of here. I don't know how the bartender is gonna feel about you soaking the place."
With some protest from the Z-Team at ending their fun , Robert somehow managed to slide Waterboy—no, Herman—out from his spot in the booth and held him steady against his side. Herman being both much taller and drunker than Robert wasn't making this the easiest of tasks but Robert had definitely gotten through worse. Slowly, he walked out with a simultaneously giggly and teary-eyed Herman and stopped at the curb in front of the bar.
"Alright, bud, do you need me to call you a cab home or something?" Robert asked. "I don't know how far you need to go."
"I… Am I drunk?" Herman responded, not answering the question.
"Yes, very."
Herman squinted and his mouth straightened into a thin line. "Grandma—she can never ever ever see me! 'M drunk."
Right. Herman lived with his grandmother. Robert had never met her so he had no clue how she would actually react to Herman's current state. It wasn't everyday you see your grandson incredibly drunk, after all. Or, at least, that's what Robert assumed. He had no relevant personal experience to confirm nor deny that.
Robert paused for a second, weighing his options. He could either send Herman home—a very drunk Herman who possibly wouldn't even remember his own address right now—or Robert could bring him back to his own place. Herman had been there once before for Robert's housewarming party and his apartment was looking considerably better than it had been even a month ago. He wouldn't have to feel too ashamed at the state of his living space, though he doubted Herman would even care that much right now. Plus, out of anyone on the Z-Team, Herman was the one he was probably least opposed to having stay the night.
"You okay with crashing at my place then? I… actually have a mattress now. Plus the couch. If Beef hasn't decided to make one of them his bed for the night, anyway. I can put a tarp down on something, it'll be fine." Robert glanced over at Herman who had broken into a grin.
"We can go see Beef?! The—your Beef?!" Herman exclaimed.
"You know any other Beef?"
Herman's expression turned serious, seemingly thinking hard about his answer. "…No."
Robert chuckled. "Luckily, my apartment is pretty close to here so we can walk over. If you can manage that right now, I mean."
Herman scoffed at that. "Psshh, I'm fiiiine." He wriggled out of Robert's grip before immediately tripping and face-planting on the sidewalk.
It had been a bit of an ordeal but the pair finally managed to get to Robert's apartment, Robert struggling a bit to unlock the door while keeping a decent hold on Herman. As they got in the door and Robert guided Herman towards the couch, Beef had trotted over, his little tail wagging excitedly. Herman immediately dropped to the floor, giggling uncontrollably. He ignored the couch, in favour of lying on the floor as he hugged Beef and planted sloppy wet kisses all over him. Robert was briefly worried before remembering that, obviously, Beef was a spoiled little prince who loved any and all attention, especially if that attention came with the added perk of being able to lick water off of someone. Kind of gross but, honestly, it wasn't the worst thing Beef had tried to lick recently.
While Herman was preoccupied, Robert headed over to the sink to grab him a glass of water. Robert… wasn't exactly sure how Herman's powers specifically worked and what drinking water actually did for him but he figured it was the thought that counted more than anything. Hydration was important, or so he'd been told. However, midway through filling up a glass, he heard Herman sobbing loudly and immediately rushed around the counter to see what had happened.
"Fuck, Herm, are you okay?"
Herman was still lying on his stomach on the floor, cradling Beef in his arms as tears rolled down his face and pooled around him. Beef was happily licking Herman's face as this happened, not a care in the world.
"Robert— I— My g-grandma's cats, they don't like—" Herman hiccuped. "They don't like my wet. But Beef— He loves me-hee-heeeeee…" He hiccuped again before breaking down into even louder sobs.
Robert smiled and crouched down beside Herman. He paused for a second before gently patting him on the shoulder. It was almost kind of endearing to see Herman be so open like this, speaking without inhibitions for once.
"Yeah, seems like he does really like you, huh? You trying to replace me or what, Herm?"
Tears in his eyes, Herman looked up at Robert, horrified. "Could— Could neeeever replace you, Robert… You're really i-important!"
Robert sighed a little as he replied, "I'm just some guy trying to live a less shitty life. I'm really nothing special, bud."
"B-But you aaaaare special. You're all, uh, nice and smart and funny. Z-Team likes you! Sometimes, I think they fake not liking you but they're baaaad liars. They like Robert. I like Robert. And not just because you're, uh, M-Mecha Man. Mecha Man is cool but who's cooler? That's Robert. You! Heh." Herman let out another giggle. "'M happy you're nice. To me. Always wanted more friends… I think we're friends. Work friends?"
Robert blinked. There was a funny feeling that bloomed in his chest at Herman's words, one he wasn't used to. It's not that he had never been complimented before but this was something different. There was nothing stopping Herman right now from being completely genuine and Robert didn't really know how to deal with sincerity like this. He preferred to give everything a solid layer of sarcasm rather than address what he actually felt.
This was new. It was weird. And, yet, it was also… kind of nice? He couldn't remember the last time someone had outright told him they wanted to be friends with him.
"…Yeah. We're friends. I think all my friends right now are work friends anyway." Robert smiled slightly. "Oh, shit, I was grabbing you water. One sec."
Robert grabbed the glass off the counter and returned to see Herman suddenly asleep on the floor, Beef still comfortably cradled in his arms. He chuckled quietly at the sight. Sure, the huge puddle of water on the floor was going to be a pain to deal with later but, strangely enough, Robert found that he wasn't all too upset about it. Thank god he didn't have wood flooring.
He put the glass back on the counter, grabbed one of maybe two or three blankets he had, and gently placed it over Herman. He lingered for a moment before shaking his head and heading into the bedroom.