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Jaehwan looks at the boy sat in front of him in the tiny studio room trying very hard not to fidget or make eye contact and hesitates. Sanghyuk is struggling hard to keep his head above water – it’s obvious, and watching him day to day makes everyone else just that bit more nervous. It’s a knife-edge of tension added to the already awful pressure that’s building now the euphoria of being promised a debut has almost worn off and Jaehwan wonders; if he himself is apprehensive, Sanghyuk must be crumbling slowly inside. Sanghyuk can’t sing like him or Taekwoon; he can’t dance like Wonsik or Hakyeon; he isn’t handsome like Hongbin; Jaehwan has heard the cruelly blunt feedback, same as everyone else. It’s useless having ‘a lot of potential’ when you need to shine right now.
Jaehwan doesn’t know how to be a hyung to this painfully young kid – that’s what he is, he’s still just a kid barely even seventeen years old – because he’s always been the youngest, always the one pampered and given in to and looked after, but suddenly he’s the third oldest in this group and he’s off-balance. He plays the fool and isn’t serious enough and every time he’s reminded that there’s three boys younger than him that Hakyeon and Taekwoon can’t lead by themselves Jaehwan feels more and more of the world shifting. Responsibility and maturity and leading – that’s not what he signed up for.
Sanghyuk swallows, audibly, and Jaehwan’s attention snaps back to him.
“Hyukkie, I thought we could – I’ll help you?” Jaehwan tries. “With your lines. A little bit of extra practice. Okay?”
Sanghyuk nods quickly, still not looking up, and Jaehwan aches for him. It’s never fun being the new kid, and Sanghyuk is desperately taking time to find his feet – it doesn’t help that Taekwoon still scares the hell out of Sanghyuk with his silence and unpredictability and Hakyeon awkwardly tries to overcompensate, and then Hongbin is aloof and hard to get to close to. He’s glad Sanghyuk has Wonsik, at least, but Wonsik can’t help Sanghyuk with what he needs help with most.
Sanghyuk looks up at Jaehwan and waits, and Jaehwan feels more than ever that the three years between them aren’t really very much at all. Sanghyuk doesn’t even have individual lines in this song – only the chorus, and Jaehwan has him sing those over and over again until Sanghyuk visibly snaps from fatigue and the four hours of vocal coaching earlier where he couldn’t get a single thing right.
“Hyung, nobody will be able to hear me anyway,” he mutters, and Jaehwan reels in his temper with difficulty.
“And this is how you want it to be? Forever? Just singing the chorus without anybody knowing what your voice actually sounds like?”’
Sanghyuk looks at Jaehwan; looks through and past him, and Jaehwan can tell this is the first time Sanghyuk has been shocked into contemplating a possible future where he has full lines of his own.
“I’m sorry,” Sanghyuk apologises automatically, and there’s shame etched in the guilty flush in his cheeks. Jaehwan doesn’t know if it’s shame for complaining or shame over his weak vocals, but Jaehwan wants this whole mess to be done with. He wants to debut already and be done with all the uncertainty and insecurity – he wants to fast-forward a year into the future to when they’re all close and trust one another completely and are solid as a rock. They have to be.
“Sanghyuk,” he starts, but Sanghyuk has already begun to curl inwards on himself. “You’re working really hard. We all see it. We’re going to make it, okay? We’re all going to make it. Even you, chorus boy. I’ll learn to dance and you’ll learn to sing and dance and we’re all going to be perfect. You understand?”
Sanghyuk nods helplessly.
“I know you’re scared. I’m scared too. I’m fucking scared. But we’re going to make it. We’ll be okay.”
“Are you trying to convince me or convince yourself, hyung?” Sanghyuk asks with a weak laugh.
“Both,” Jaehwan answers truthfully.
Sanghyuk lets out his breath with a deep sigh, closing his eyes for a moment. “We’re going to make it. I’m going to make it.”
“Yes, you are,” Jaehwan tells him. “You’re part of us now. Binnie and Taekwoon hyung will warm up to you with time, don’t worry about them. You’ve got to believe, okay?”
“I never knew motivational speaking was one of your talents, hyung,” Sanghyuk says faintly.
“I have many,” Jaehwan replies dismissively, and cheers a little inside when that makes Sanghyuk smile.
“So. With me helping you with your singing and Hakyeon hyung taking care of your dancing you have nothing to worry about. You’re going to get so good you’ll have solos just singing whole songs by yourself. Dance collaborations all over the place. Everybody will be in love with you. Hopefully you stop looking so scrawny, though,” Jaehwan continues, and Sanghyuk pushes him, laughing.
“Let’s not go overboard, hyung.”
“I’m serious. You’re so small right now. Did you miss your growth spurt?”
“I’m not even seventeen yet, hyung!”
“Late bloomer,” Jaehwan teases, and Sanghyuk pushes him again, grinning so wide his face is almost cracking in two.
“I’m going to grow,” Sanghyuk insists, and Jaehwan pats him on the back condescendingly.
“The important thing is that you believe that. But good – that’s the kind of confidence I’m talking about.”
“Thanks, hyung,” Sanghyuk says softly, and Jaehwan’s heart swells despite him attempting to play it cool. Hyung.
“If you’re struggling talk to us, okay?” Jaehwan clears his throat, trying not to get sappy. “Don’t bear it all by yourself. I’m – I’m your hyung, after all. You can talk to me.”
Sanghyuk nods, shy, precious as anything except for a little amused smile playing about his lips, and Jaehwan knows he’s thinking of this morning when Jaehwan got yelled at for ill-advised horsing around in the recording studio.
“I will, hyung,” Sanghyuk answers sincerely, sweetly, looking up at Jaehwan. So small. Very precious. Must protect.
“Okay,” Jaehwan shakes himself. “Your lines again. Go.”
“Aren’t we going to sleep tonight?” Sanghyuk pleads piteously.
“We can sleep after debut,” Jaehwan answers firmly, extremely hyung-like and responsible.
Sanghyuk pouts.
“Another fifteen minutes,” Jaehwan amends.
“We can do this again tomorrow, right, hyung?” Sanghyuk asks when the fifteen minutes are up and they’re making their way back to their dorm, the streets quiet and dead at this time of night – no, morning. “You and me? I think you’re really helping.”
“Sure,” Jaehwan answers, cool hyung to the maximum, and Sanghyuk beams.
Jaehwan could get used to this.
*