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The screen of Hyunjin's phone shone brightly. A sharp contrast to the dark room, blinds closed, lamps off.
Hyunjin hadn't touched those lamps in weeks.
The warm, cozy light they once gave off snuffed out, pushed out by the cold darkness of Hyunjin's thoughts.
"they call him a pretty face, but is he even that?"
"crazy how hyunjin can't even fit into a group that makes noise music. literally the worst form of 'music' can't even make space for him lmao"
The light was the only thing that had changed.
They were still there. Commented under every post, long discussions on every forum site. Even fans of other groups talked about it.
It was nearly a daily ritual. Hyunjin would curl on his bedroom rug, knees tucked to his chest, and scroll through the hundreds, thousands, of comments about him.
It wasn't new. They'd been there since he debuted. They never changed.
And they wouldn't change.
Hyunjin knew that by now. He knew a lot of things now he hadn't known when he debuted.
He'd stepped on that debut stage honestly thinking he'd be the one.
They'd love him. Fangirls would scream his name and celebrity talk show hosts would drool over having him on their show.
He'd really thought the JYP would be wrong. That Hyunjin was better than JYP said. He'd be talented, not just a pretty face. The group would revolve around him.
But it wasn't like that.
Nothing had changed.
He wasn't talented, JYP had only been wrong about him being a pretty face. He wasn't even that.
And he definitely wasn't the center of the group.
It was the same as ever. Bangchan, Han, Felix.
Hyunjin loved Felix. He was so nice, so kind to undeserving people. Undeserving people like Hyunjin.
Felix had changed. He was fluent in Korean, no longer needing Chan to help him out. He was more confident; he knew his freckles were pretty and he showed it. He'd changed from some young homesick boy to an idol.
A real and true idol.
And that made Hyunjin mad.
He didn't want to be mad, that was all great! For Felix.
Why could Felix change and not him? They both had long hair! Why could only Felix get called pretty?
Hyunjin was tired. He was tired of being the same. Tired of being an idol. Tired of being alive. Tired of being exactly what people thought of him, useless.
An idea popped into Hyunjin's head, announced by the ding of another message on twitter.
He stretched his legs, put his phone down, and stood. Wow, what a change for the man who'd sat locked in his room for a week.
He'd made it to the bathroom he shared with Changbin.
There it was. The razor.
Hyunjin wasn't exactly sure why they had it. None of the members were allowed to touch their hair without company approval. Nonetheless, it'd always been there, Hyunjin and Changbin hadn't bothered to get rid of it when they moved in.
It had sat there on the top shelf, the subtle glint always attracting Hyunjin's gaze.
It hadn't changed.
From the second Hyunjin stepped into the bathroom he'd been staring. Mesmerized.
They'd both change, Hyunjin and the razor.
The razor would get to move, do its job, come to life for the first time in god knows how long. And Hyunjin... Hyunjin would be bald.
But he could never be the same as the changed razor. Hyunjin couldn't change.
Bald Hyunjin would be the same as long-hair Hyunjin... Useless.
Hyunjin chose to have a positive outlook. At least his appearance would be different, he could change that.
Then it was gone. Well, on the floor.
It was great! Hyunjin could feel his stubby hair! See his neck! His ears!
It was freeing.
For the first time in a while, Hyunjin felt good.
He felt changed.
------
"Woah! When did you shave your head?"
"Just now. I guess I just... felt like it."
Hyunjin padded down the dorm hallway towards the living room, where Changbin was waiting to watch a movie.
"The company let you do that? Whatever, I like it."
The company.
The company never changed. They were strict, caring more about money than idols and their art.
The company didn't like change. Not unless it was calculated, carefully planned.
Corporate.
They wouldn't like his hair. Lack thereof, really.
"I didn't ask. It's my life, you know?"
"Damn, that's bold. I get what you mean... but if you're gonna say that you gotta start actually living your life, man! I haven't seen you leave your room in forever!"
Changbin had noticed the change.
He noticed when Hyunjin stopped showing him his art; stopped showing up to the gym to work out together; stopped coming out of his room to watch movies together, cuddled under Changbin's Hello Kitty blanket.
Changbin didn't like the change.
He wanted the old Hyunjin back. Not this sad, blank Hyunjin who lived holed up in Hyunjin's room.
But maybe he was back. The Hyunjin in front of him seemed familiar, bald head and all. Just... tinged with a little uncertainty. Wariness.
The movie night wasn't really the same as it used to be. Hyunjin didn't loudly laugh at every joke, slapping Changbin's arm. He didn't even sit next to Changbin under the Hello Kitty blanket, instead sitting on the floor which Changbin was a little hurt about.
Hyunjin barely seemed to be paying attention. Rubbing his freshly shaven head instead of answering Changbin.
When the movie ended, he didn't stick around to chat like they used to. He merely slunk off to his room.
The door closed and Changbin felt further from Hyunjin than ever before.
It was sad how much had changed. So fast too.
------
Chan picked up the phone on the second ring.
"Binnie? What's up?"
"Hi, hyung. Hyunjin abandoned me after the movie... it felt weird."
"He left? Didn't you two always used to watch a movie and talk a bunch on friday nights?"
"Yeah, we did... He's ditched me the past two weeks though. Before tonight I hadn't even seen him since a week ago and... he shaved his head."
"He WHAT?"
"Oh, yeah, Innie's here too. When did he do that? The company didn't tell me they were doing that."
"Hyung... they don't know he did it."
"Aw fuck" Chan groaned, rubbing his face.
"I don't know what's happening, hyung. He feels so far away and it's scary. I don't even recognize him! Not because he shared his head. He just seems so... empty. He's changed so much and I'm worried."
"I didn't notice that... I guess it's been a while since we've been together. I'm grateful for this break but I hate not being able to see that you're all okay."
"I don't think Hyunjin's okay, hyung."
------
It hadn't gone well.
The break was over and Hyunjin and Changbin had to go back to their demanding schedules.
Hyunjin had always known their manager hated change. He just seemed so... close-minded.
This was another level.
Hyunjin and Chan were in a meeting room, anyone who had say over a part of Stray Kids was there.
And they were not happy.
It wasn't really a change. Honestly pretty ordinary for Hyunjin, they always had something to yell at him for.
Bby the end of the meeting, they'd accepted it. Sent Hyunjin to the stylists to clean up the shave and called it a day.
In their eyes, nothing had changed but Hyunjin ruining his image farther.
There was another change.
What had just yesterday felt freeing to Hyunjin felt like a parasite.
Same as he felt before he shaved his head but... worse, more dire.
It hadn't changed.
"You alright man?" asked Chan, putting his arm around Hyunjin as they walked back to the practice room.
"Yeah, just wanted a little change. I'm not going insane or anything."
Lying was certainly a change.
"If you say so," laughed Chan, "anyway, while I've got ya I wanted to talk to you about something."
Maybe things not changing could be good too. Hyunjin liked that Chan hadn't changed, still so protective.
"What? I promise I'm good, hyung."
"Are you really, Jinnie? Changbin and I have noticed you seem a little different. Sadder maybe."
"Is this about my head? I'm not going insane. I just wanted a change. And is a man not allowed to want to be alone on his one break of the year?"
"Woah I didn't mean to upset you, Jinnie. It's not an accusation, I just want to know you're okay."
"I'm always okay. You're one of the special ones," Hyunjin snapped, quickly walking off toward the practice room and leaving Chan behind.
Chan was stunned. Hyunjin never acted like that!
Hyunjin really was changing.
------
Changbin and Hyunjin's dorm was quiet.
Hyunjin knew Changbin was at the kitchen table. Probably working.
All he had to do was get past Changbin. Then he'd be out the front door, and he'd become a changed man.
Hyunjin actually didn't what he'd be. He'd lived for so long as Hyunjin, subpar Stray Kids member.
It was a bit scary.
Hyunjin knew it would be good. He'd make a change and, in the process, make everyone else proud.
Or at least those damn commenters. They'd be proud.
Okay, he'd decided. He was going to do it.
He took the little orange bottle with him, tucked in his sweatpants pocket. He didn't have a note, the action was enough, right?
Change could speak for itself.
"Hyunjin? Where are you going?" Changbin asked, looking up from his laptop.
"Just on a walk, hyung. I want to look at the stars so don't come looking for me if I don't come home after dark."
Changbin had a bad feeling about this.
He stood up, chair scraping against the ground.
Crossing the room in a few short strides, he engulfed Hyunjin in a hug.
"Don't be dumb, Jinnie-yah. If you don't come home before dark, you'll get sick and I'll have to call Minho-hyung."
Hyunjin smiled, "Alright, hyung. I'll try and get back early."
Changbin noticed. It wasn't Hyunjin's smile. It had changed, it seemed... fake.
Hyunjin pulled away from Changbin, grabbed his keys, and tied his shoes.
"Well, i'm leaving, hyung. Don't miss me too much," he smiled.
Closing the door, Hyunjin nearly stopped when he saw Changbin's face through the crack.
He'd changed. Changbin looked worried. Changbin never looked worried. He was a big strong idol, why should he be worried?
It almost made Hyunjin reconsider.
Almost.
Not quite.
So he left. Locked the door, took the elevator, and said goodbye to the doorman.
Hyunjin's favorite doorman. He always talked with Hyunjin about art, no matter how busy.
"Be safe out there, alright, Hyunjin?"
Hyunjin almost ran back up to his dorm right then and there.
No, he had to change.
Out he went, into the evening sunset. His favorite park welcomed him, the familiar bench reminding him where he was.
What he was there for.
Carefully, he unscrewed the cap of the orange bottle and the bottle of apple juice he'd bought on the way, his favorite.
The pills went down without a fight, the sweet apple juice washing them all down quickly.
Hyunjin waited.
He didn't feel any different. Not changed.
Just... a little sleepy.
His eyes closed as he slumped down against the bench.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. He was supposed to feel changed! Good! The pills were supposed to make him feel better!
Sure, he knew he'd die but he was supposed to change first!
He still felt the same... just normal Hyunjin.
Sad, lonely Hyunjin.
And that's how he stayed. The pills worked too quickly, quite a change from when they never made Hyunjin feel any better.
He'd never feel better. He'd never change. He was truly stuck.
But in the end, something did change.
And it definitely wasn't for the better.
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