Chapter Text
Rose Landry
SOS how do I get lipstick stains off skin and also sheets? It's called MAC Russian Red but I think it might actually be a Sharpie in disguise.
Oh my god I forgot what time zone you’re in I’m sorry.
Please forget you ever got this message.
“Fuck,” Shane says out loud, and starts scrolling through his contacts.
“I guess you can’t really ask your mom,” Ilya says. “I would call Sveta but I don’t think she has ever done laundry in her entire life.” He frowns down at his torso; he’s been scrubbing for so long that it’s impossible to tell whether his skin is stained or just rubbed raw.
“Ugh,” Shane says, with feeling. “Next time you make fun of me for doing research about something before we try it –”
“Oh, you would have thought ahead and Googled ‘how to get lipstick off erection?’”
Shane scowls at him and keeps scrolling.
Jackie Pike
Hey.
So… if I ask you a question, can you promise to never ever tell Hayden?
Depends, are you worried he’s gonna be mad or just that he’s gonna make fun of you forever because masculinity?
The latter.
Then yes, shoot 🙂
If I maybe got some red lipstick stains on my sheets and also skin
What could I use to get it off?
Hypothetically…
OMG
I don’t have makeup remover, is the thing?
And I don’t really want to leave the house like this to get some, but also, that seems like it would be… pretty harsh? On delicate skin.
What, like your neck?
Shane, sweetie, you have lovely skin but it’s not THAT delicate
Just scrub??
Okay so. Thing is.
WAIT
Yeah. Not my neck.
Holy shit
Okay I can absolutely help out here
But I need you to know that this is maybe the funniest thing that has ever happened to me, so thank you for that!
😭
For skin: coconut oil or baby oil!
Olive will do in a pinch
Literally melts off just about anything, including Expo marker
And yes this is the voice of experience talking
Seriously?
I know this because of toddlers, not…whatever you’ve been up to 😂
Shane stares at that for a minute. First he types “Well obviously.” Deletes it. “Remind me how you ended up with this many kids?” Deletes that too.
There is no polite way to say both “I know I have more fun than you” and also “Don’t act like you’ve never had sex, the evidence is right there” in the same sentence.
Wow I see you typing lol
Okay taking pity on you
For the sheets, Dawn dish soap!
You’re a lifesaver. I owe you one.
"Jackie says to use Dawn. For the sheets."
"Okay. I will not do that, but okay."
“Did you just throw that pair away?”
“Yes. They had good life. Saw so much. RIP.”
“How many identical pairs of those sheets do you own?”
“Seven. Well, now six. Is good to have backup pairs, in case of stains.”
“Wait, seven? Because your housekeeper comes once a week? Wow, Ilya. You've never done laundry in your life, have you?"
"Excuse me, I am not the only one who had to ask how to get stains out."
"Those weren't normal stains, though, it was lipstick. And it looked like someone was murdered!"
"Is not normal for you? The lipstick, not the murder. What are normal stains?"
"Oh, fuck you."
"What, last time was not enough for you? So insatiable."
"Never should've taught you that word."
Rose Landry
If it's Russian Red they're toast
Oh wow please tell me it’s the navy sheets?
🙄
We figured it out. Sort of. Not my sheets but yes they were navy.
Shane honey I love you but please, PLEASE burn the navy sheets
They need to die by fire
Nothing personal
But whoever told men that navy is the only masculine color for sheets deserves to be drawn and quartered
You got that medieval thing, I guess?
Yep!
Congratulations!
Wait what's wrong with navy blue sheets?
Literally the worst possible color for hiding jizz stains
Wow.
I was about to say something about how women feel when they go home with a guy and see navy sheets but that’s sort of a moot point for you, isn’t it?
🙄
On the flip side, you get double the jizz stains and double the ick!
WOW.
At least I know how to do my own laundry. Unlike some guys.
Okay? Gold star for you lol
Actually, no, you do get points for that, which is... unfortunate
The bar for men is a limbo stick in hell
Wait, I sorta think I know the answer here, but who was wearing the lipstick in this situation???
That’s homophobic, Rose...
So yeah definitely you 😂
Ugh.
Sorta? Not exactly?
SHANE now you have to tell me
Honestly by the end of it we both were.
On various body parts.
If you really must know.
HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA
Oh you’re so proud of yourself aren’t you
Never asking you for help ever again! Bye!
😘
Or I guess more like 💋
"Blue is a good color for sheets, right?" Shane wonders out loud, even as he starts skimming an Architectural Digest article that seems to be firmly arguing to the contrary.
"Yes," Ilya mumbles, already half-asleep. "Is most masculine color."
Maybe Ilya and his week's worth of back-up sets isn't the best person to ask.
Fuck, Shane definitely needs new sheets. Now that the thought has crossed his mind, he's never going to be able to look at a pair of navy sheets without thinking of jizz stains.
"Yeah, that's what Rose said," he says, very casually.
"Changed my mind. Need to go shopping tomorrow, time to redecorate. Now go the fuck to sleep."
"Love you too."