Work Text:
Wooyo
Are you still in the auditorium? I think my notebook is there, and without it I'm going to die and fail this damn subject D:
You
I’ve just left
Nevermind, I'm coming back now
Wooyo
I LOVE YOU
Seonghwa chuckled softly as he put his phone in his pocket and turned around, returning to the auditorium where he had been just minutes before. It was the week before exams, and some review sessions were being held together; classes from all semesters could attend, so to accommodate all the students, the classes were taking place in the large auditoriums of the college.
The place was practically empty, except for a few students in the first rows talking to the professors and among themselves.
Seonghwa searched the entire row they were in, but without success. Perhaps the notebook had fallen and slipped forward, falling down the steps that held the chairs.
All seven front rows were checked, however, without success. Seonghwa sighed, a little disappointed at not finding the object.
“Excuse me,” he said, drawing the attention of the seated students, “My friend lost his notebook. Do you know if anyone has found or mentioned anything about a lost item?”
Some simply shook their heads, denying it; others didn't even look at Seonghwa to answer.
“Frustrating,” he thought.
“They usually leave lost items at the back of the auditorium, in the last rows,” commented a woman with glasses, who was sitting near him, after a few seconds of silence.
“I'll take a look there, thank you very much!” he said, turning towards the stairs again.
The auditorium was enormous, with at least fifty rows arranged, with at least thirty chairs each.
As he approached the last four rows, he noticed some items on some seats closer to the ends.
Backpacks, some sweatshirts, small bags, books, bottles, and notebooks were some of the objects Seonghwa managed to identify.
The notebook he was looking for was medium-sized with a plain, unadorned purple cover. Basic.
In the second-to-last row, on the chair, were two notebooks. Both were identical, matching the description Wooyoung had given.
Seonghwa picked up the first one, from the right, and opened the back cover to look for any name or information about the owner that might reveal it to be his friend, but since there was nothing written, he decided to flip through the pages.
“...It’s pathetic to write about this here, but I can’t talk about it with my friends. I’m sure they’d call me crazy for liking XXXXXXXX for a whole year and never even being able to say hi.”
Seonghwa finished reading the passage, raising an eyebrow, confused.
“What is this?”
“His birthday is in two months, and I really wanted to have the courage to give him a present, but I definetely can’t do it directly. I thought about leaving it on his desk, maybe?”
“Oh, it’s a diary?” He concluded, going back to reading the initial passage, this time frustrated by the person’s name was covered with some kind of black marker.
There were several pages filled with writing, and overcome by curiosity, he flipped through a few more, stopping at a page closer to the middle of the notebook.
“Today he looked even more handsome than usual. I thought it was impossible! But the color blue really suits him. I don’t think he even noticed, but during class I couldn’t take my eyes off him. He’s kind of “daydreaming” person; it often happens that his friends have to call him several times because he’s lost in thoughts. The face he makes when he realizes he wasn’t paying attention is really adorable; he wrinkles his nose in a way that reminds me of a rabbit… cute.”
Seonghwa laughed, biting his lip. It really was a diary!
“He hasn’t been to class for a few days. Is it possible to go through withdrawal from the presence of another person? I wonder if he’s okay or if something happened. He closed his Instagram profile, so I can’t see his posts anymore. I hope he’s okay. I wish I had the courage to ask, but his friends wouldn’t tell me anything… I guess. I mean, wouldn’t you find it strange if someone you’ve never talked to in your life asked about a friend of yours?
They probably don’t even know I exist, actually.”
The written thoughts were quite intimate, and Seonghwa felt somewhat bad about invading someone's privacy like that, but he was too curious and enchanted to stop. Without realizing it, he had sat down in the chair and flipped through a few more pages.
“About his birthday: I bought a present. Yes. I bought a Lego box for the first time in my life and…”
“Lego?!” Seonghwa exclaimed, excitedly. He needed to help the notebook's owner find the courage to give the gift to that person. It was super romantic! He would love to receive that kind of gift from someone else, and maybe he could even become friends with that special person who didn't know he had a secret admirer.
His friends didn't understand his love for Legos, but now there might be someone he could share his hobby with. It was exciting, and he could even be their cupid! Seonghwa was a secret romantic; he loved that sort of thing. Forbidden loves, secrets, and clichés were things that made his heart melt. He had read several books with these ideas, and now he was apparently following a real story. What were the chances?! He had to help the mysterious author.
"...I don't know if I should assemble it, or if it's better to just deliver the box and have him assemble it."
"Either would be great, but if you just deliver the box, you can offer to help him and then you two could have a date!" he commented, before continuing to read.
"As if I'll be able to do either. I’m a loser. Fucking loser. In the end, I'll definitely give up on the idea and just throw it away afterwards."
"No!!!!"
"Anyway, I have almost two weeks to think about what to do."
Seonghwa looked at the date it was written and, calculating the predicted birthday, it would be between the end of March and the beginning of April. His birthday was April 3rd, it really was a work of fate! Another point in common.
Seonghwa felt his cell phone vibrate in his pocket, drawing his attention away from the notebook.
Wooyo
Did you find it? :(
Seonghwa slapped his forehead, annoyed with himself. He had forgotten about Wooyoung's notebook, his real goal. He closed the diary and picked up the other purple notebook, opening the back cover.
“Wooyoung~”
You
I found it! See u tomorrow morning :))
Wooyo
YOU'RE MY HERO!
Before he could think too much about what he was doing, Seonghwa put the two notebooks in his bag and walked to the parking lot, eager to get home and read the diary. He had to find out who both people were and think of a plan of action to help them meet.
But first, of course, he had to read everything.
—
“I realized I'm taking a huge risk writing in this diary (?) his name, so I'm going to smudge it every time I write here. Someone might end up seeing it and saying his name is appearing in the class nerd's notebook. Or, clumsy as I am, I might end up losing the notebook and he'll find it someday and confront me. I can't risk it.”
“No! Let me know his name!” He whined, continuing to read.
"So this page will be dedicated to writing his name every time I freak out for any of these reasons: him being handsome, him smelling good, him breathing the same air as me.
"Cute!" he exclaimed, finishing reading the page full of black smudges, covering the name.
Seonghwa was lying on the bed, face down and swinging his legs, while reading the various written pages.
Until now he hadn't succeeded in discovering who the author could be. He never spoke about himself in a way that described any physical characteristics or gave any clue about his name or the shift he studied. He only knew that he was in the same course as him, because he was in the same class in the morning.
"Something happened today. I tripped over him! I didn't see him, I was looking for something in my bag and didn't look ahead. It was quick, but enough for him to catch me and ask if I was okay. HE. CAUGHT. ME. And he was worried if I had gotten hurt.
I wanted to disappear, I was dying of embarrassment and couldn't even say anything, I just got up and ran to the nearest room. I'm pathetic.
P.S. He smelled really good today, there was a bitter touch to his perfume. I hate sweet and cloying smells.”
“That guy has good taste in perfumes too.” He said, agreeing with the type of perfume the other was wearing. Seonghwa also didn't like sweet things, he usually wore more neutral or citrusy perfumes.
“He has a habit of eating nerds during classes. It's mega rare he doesn't have a package in his hands. I'm not a big fan of those candies, but he eats them without even making a face!”
Seonghwa smiled. “Wow, I really need to meet this person!” He thought, putting more nerd candies in his mouth. He loved them, and just like the other one, he ate them whenever he could. His favorite flavor was strawberry and grape, but he didn't stop himself from eating the others when they were out of stock at the college cafeteria.
“List of things XXXXXXXXXX likes, in case I ever have the courage to bring up the subject:
1- Legos
2- Nerds
3- Star Wars”
“I can’t believe it!” he shouted, sitting up in bed. Seonghwa felt like a child reading an exciting book; he was already smiling broadly before, and now he was even more excited about everything. The person had many tastes similar to his! “I need to help you, secret admirer, because I also want to meet the person you’ve fallen for.”
“4- Dresses”
“Dresses?! I wore them twice, and I felt great. I wish I had the courage to wear them more often; maybe he’ll encourage me. He must be a very stylish and tasteful guy.” He finished the thought, continuing.
“5- The color pink (I once heard him say he wanted to dye his hair that color, and I hope he actually does it someday, because he would be the only person in the world who looked good with that color)
6- Impatience. Every time he has to wait for his friends, he sighs loudly (another habit he doesn’t realize, apparently), and I’m not the most patient person in the world either.”
Seonghwa finished reading the notes, a little thoughtful. This person really observed the other closely, and yet apparently went unnoticed. How was that possible? To have someone observing you, attentive to your details, habits, and routine, and not be able to notice?
"If it were me, I would definitely notice," he affirmed.
Some pages had random drawings, doodles, and song lyrics. But overall, everything was well organized; the diary's owner had beautiful handwriting and knew how to draw very well. His line work was light and elegant, and all the drawings had different and unique details that made Seonghwa admire them for minutes.
Flowers, rabbits, coffee cups. Simple things, but they managed to convey feelings of comfort through their lines. He would get a tattoo of one of them if he could.
And his favorite, so far, were the eyes.
Drawn in the middle of a page, both were slightly closed, as if they were holding a smile. The eyelashes were long and delicate, and the eyes truly seemed to be smiling at him as he stared at the page. It was so real.
Just below, it was written, “They say the eyes are the mirrors of the soul. I’m selfish for wanting paradise only for myself.”
The now-secret artist could describe his feelings for the other person with such intensity. There were so many compliments, attention to detail, and now this drawing… it was love. Someone was being loved in such a devoted and real way that Seonghwa wished for a few moments that he were the one receiving that feeling.
“Yesterday I managed to take a picture of him. From a distance, obviously, but I still managed to get a picture of him laughing. I saw him sitting at the cafeteria table in block A, with his friends, and it was impossible not to feel my heart race. He was gorgeous, no… gorgeous is an understatement. Maybe the perfect word is divine; there’s nothing that resembles his beauty. I can’t capture it on camera, but it’s enough to make me daydream while looking at the photo.
“How would you react if you knew I like you this much?”
Seonghwa sat on the bed, lost in thought. He closed his notebook and left it on the bed, pondering the words he had read.
There were so many details, so much devotion. It was beautiful, but at the same time so… sad.
He harbored such pure and real suffering, hidden and repressed by fear and insecurity for over a year. All this time in silence and all these suppressed feelings…
Lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling, Seonghwa wondered if he would ever feel this way about someone. Love someone to the point of making that person his inspiration. His God.
He had dated a few people, but never felt a satisfying and complete connection with anyone. Sometimes he questioned whether there might be something wrong with himself, or if, after years of reading romance novels, he placed exaggerated expectations on his reality and was disappointed that no one was even remotely similar to what he expected from his other half.
It was disappointing to expect real actions when his goal was fantastical. Wanting a fairytale romance in real life wasn't easy.
However, it wasn't impossible either.
Wooyoung had met his boyfriend online, and they were the most passionate couple he knew. Yunho had always been the groom's best friend, and when one of them had the courage to reveal their feelings, they were soon together. Yeosang was dating a guy he met at a flower shop, and every week he received a different bouquet of flowers. All three friends were happy and living a fairytale romance.
Obviously, he was very happy for his friends, but being surrounded by this and still having the expectation of experiencing an intense love while alone was very difficult. He also wanted his chance.
He wanted to be loved with the same intensity that the secret admirer loved his person, because he knew he could reciprocate.
However, there was no one. And there hadn't been anyone for a long time.
Seonghwa hugged himself, turning over in bed. His mind was heavy. He began reading the book excitedly, but now he was going to sleep deep in thought.
Could someone ever love him like that?
The last thought in his mind that night before falling asleep was, "I wish I could be your person, secret admirer."
——
Flipping through a few more pages, Seonghwa was surprised by a drawing of a male mannequin wearing a dress. The waist was accentuated by a kind of corset, and the rest of the dress was made of a light silk fabric that, even though it wasn't tight, still managed to highlight the model's well-distributed curves. The dress was dark red and the corset dark gold; the hands wore gold gloves with open fingers, and even though the dress reached the floor, there was a slit on the right side that revealed the leg, making it possible to see the conclusion of the drawing with a thin high-heeled sandal on the mannequin's foot.
Seonghwa stared at the drawing speechless, enchanted by the most beautiful dress he had ever seen. Subconsciously, he imagined himself wearing the piece, and his admiration for the notebook's owner only grew.
He wanted to be someone's muse in that way. To have someone so in love with him that they would spend time writing poetry, dedicating songs, or creating pieces thinking of him.
Just by observing, the anonymous admirer managed to perceive many things, and it was this idea of observing and capturing the details that made Seonghwa reread the notebook so eagerly the next morning. He wanted to know what it was like to be in love with that intensity.
“I wonder if you've ever felt this way… I feel like I can't open up to my friends the way I feel I could talk to you. Which is crazy, of course. From the first day I saw you, there's something that binds me to you. You're too magnetic for me, and I've tried so many times to convince myself that I'm just obsessed and not in love with you, but deep down I know what's true. I have one year left until I finish college, and I'm afraid that day will come.”
“Secret admirer, you’re wasting your time by not taking any initiative!” Seonghwa ran his hands over his face, feeling irritated with the author. “Why do you insist on lowering yourself so much? You can’t claim he doesn’t know you or he would never give you a chance!”
The reply came next.
“I’m not handsome. I don’t have many friends. Nothing about me is enough to attract your attention. You’re a little taller than me, and maybe the only thing you can see about me are my big black glasses and…”
“A HINT!”
Seonghwa stopped reading, trying to focus on remembering the faces in his class who wore glasses. The mysterious author could be from any class, including his own.
Four people came to mind.
“…maybe you would know me because of my good grades. I was praised once by a teacher.”
Seonghwa remembered reading that he was a nerd, and managed to eliminate two people from the four he had thought of.
From his class, Han and Hongjoong remained.
He didn’t know much about either of them; they usually sat towards the back of the class, and he remembered seeing them talking during recess.
Could one of them be the owner of the diary? And if it was, who was the person who awakened such feelings in him?
He would pay attention to his classmates for the next days.
—--
“Seonghwa!”
Seonghwa heard suddenly, startled by Wooyoung's loud tone. He hadn't even noticed his friend was beside him, and judging by the tone, had been calling him for quite some time.
“Sorry,” he began, smiling weakly with guilt, “I didn't see you coming.”
Wooyoung huffed, throwing his arms dramatically on the table.
“You always do this!” he accused, “We always have to keep calling you for ages because you're daydreaming.”
Seonghwa laughed, rolling his eyes and stretching in his chair.
“Your notebook.” He said, taking the notebook from his backpack and handing it to his friend. The diary was at home; he couldn't risk losing it at college.
Wooyoung smiled broadly, hugging the notebook to his chest and then kissing the cover.
“I'm saved!” Then, he placed the object on the table and looked back at Seonghwa. “What can I do to reward you?”
Seonghwa thought for a moment, resting his hand on his chin, and when he finally had an idea, he smiled.
“Well, actually you could…”
“I can’t believe it!” Wooyoung interrupted, “You really want something in return! I thought you weren’t as capitalist as the others.” Semi narrowed his eyes quickly.
“No!” He laughed, waving his hand in the air. “What I want doesn’t cost anything.”
“Hmmm, interesting.” Wooyoung moved closer to his friend, getting even closer. “Spill the tea!”
Seonghwa took a deep breath, gathering courage to make the request. He leaned slightly over his friend and whispered in his ear, “I want to know what you know about Han and Hongjoong.”
Wooyoung quickly stepped back, and in a loud tone, turning his head towards the chairs at the back of the room, began, “About Hong…”
Seonghwa quickly covered his friend's mouth, turning his face forward again.
“Wooyoung! Could you be less obvious?” he murmured, embarrassed and regretting his request.
The friend laughed and apologized, promising to behave this time. They were both sitting side by side, and Wooyoung was fidgeting excitedly in his chair.
“You never asked me about anyone, and now you want to know about the two nerds in the class,” he stated. “What do you want to know, anyway?”
Seonghwa glanced quickly around, checking to make sure no one was listening to their conversation before continuing.
“It’s just curiosity… I realized I don’t know anything about them.”
Wooyoung chuckled softly, raising an eyebrow.
“Ah, let’s pretend there’s really no reason behind this curiosity.” He rolled his eyes. “However, being the great friend I am, and owing you a favor, I’ll accept that answer.”
“Thank you.” He forced a smile, replying to his friend.
“About Han… I know he was the top student in our year a couple of times in a row, he currently works with his rich uncle, is single, doesn’t like parties, and is quite fond of cars. Yeosang said he brought up the subject of his BMW and talked about the engine and things I didn’t understand, and neither did Yeosang.” He laughed, joined by Seonghwa. “About Hongjoong, well… He’s also been the top student about four times, I don’t know what or who he works with, but I’ve seen him at a few parties, always in the corner, I’ve never seen him drinking or anything like that. He’s the ‘good boy’ type.”
Seonghwa tried to suppress the urge to turn his face away, but it was stronger. When he realized it, he was already glancing sideways at his classmate.
Hongjoong was sitting down, wearing a black hoodie, a few strands of his red hair falling over his glasses, and he was looking at his phone, typing something quickly. He glanced to the side, observing Han now. The other was wearing similar clothes, but the sweatshirt didn't have a hood and was dark green. He was reading a book, leaning against the table.
“Hongjoong,” Wooyoung continued, drawing his attention back, “is obviously single.”
“Obviously?” he asked, confused, as he looked back again.
Hongjoong was now looking ahead, and as soon as Seonghwa turned his head again, their eyes met. As soon as their eyes locked, Seonghwa felt a shiver run through his body, a mixture of butterflies in his stomach and butterflies in his lungs.
The other didn't look away as he thought he would, and Hongjoong surprised him even more by giving a shy smile without breaking eye contact.
Seonghwa's heart skipped a beat, and he could no longer feel his face. He was simply speechless.
Hongjoong was beautiful.
The seconds that felt like hours finally passed, and he heard Wooyoung call him again. He had been distracted again.
Before turning his gaze back to Wooyoung, Seonghwa analyzed Hongjoong's features. His smile reached his eyes, his hair had been styled, and the strands were tucked inside his hood. His glasses were slightly lowered, so he was looking over the black frames.
The intensity with which Hongjoong stared at him, combined with the smile, was simply too much for Seonghwa, who felt his face quickly heat up.
"As I was saying..." He looked back at Wooyoung, "Obviously, because everyone knows he has a crush on a specific person."
Seonghwa frowned, slightly annoyed.
"Who?"
Wooyoung laughed loudly, attracting the attention of the teacher who had begun explaining the lesson and called the attention of the two friends. Both apologized and lowered their heads.
“Apparently, not everyone knows.” Wooyoung whispered, still laughing. “But if you pay attention, you’ll realize who it is.”
“Whatever.” He replied, lifting his head to pay attention to the lesson and ending the conversation.
–
As soon as he got home, the first thing Seonghwa did was go to his room. He didn’t want to admit it, but he was anxious to finish the diary. There were only a few pages left, and he had mixed feelings about it.
He wanted to finish quickly to be able to draw some conclusions and ideas, but at the same time, he wanted to prolong the feeling of being in love just as the secret admirer.
“Okay, maybe I’ll regret writing this later, but XXXXXX will make me finish the year with blue balls…”
“What?!” Seonghwa put his hand to his mouth, laughing slightly, shocked by the words. "That was totally unexpected, secret admirer!"
“...Today he was wearing pants so tight that there wasn't a single person who didn't stare at his perfectly sculpted butt. I loved it. I hated it. I have no right to be jealous, but I'm weak. I hear people making comments, desiring him, and there's nothing I can do to change it because I don't stand a chance against the other better-qualified guys who want him too…”
“You don't know that, and I think you do have a chance!”
“…Maybe I should just accept the blue balls and the frustration of desiring him every day. Waking up thinking about him, going to sleep thinking about him, leaving in the middle of class to relieve myself in the bathroom because, a few desks ahead of me, you're leaning over your chair and all I can think about is you leaning over the desk while I'm fucking you so hard that I can’t control myself…”
The same shiver he felt in class earlier when he exchanged glances with Hongjoong ran through his body. The words were unexpected, but the effect was instantaneous. Seonghwa stared at the paper, his eyes slightly wide.
Hongjoong.
How had he never noticed him before?
He was handsome, intelligent, and had been there all this time. All these years, and Seonghwa never had the capacity to look back. What if he really was the owner of this diary?
Hongjoong was a nerd. The secret admirer was a nerd. Hongjoong wore black glasses. The secret admirer wore black glasses.
Wooyoung said that Hongjoong liked someone, and the secret admirer loved someone.
If Hongjoong really was the secret admirer, who was this special person? Who had won his devotion in this way? Why hadn't Seonghwa noticed him before he fell in love with someone else?
"...I can only think about you. Want you. Desire you."
"Aaargh! Who are you?" Seonghwa opened and closed the diary again and again, searching for any clue about who the owner was. He was searching for any clue that the notebook belonged to him.
Which was comical, considering he'd only noticed Hongjoong that morning. His mind must have been playing tricks on him, associating his classmate with the notebook's owner. There were three similarities, nothing more. No certainty.
However, his heart wanted to believe it was Hongjoong's. The image of him writing frustratedly in that notebook was almost too vivid. Seonghwa could see his classmate writing his rants, making the drawings, and buying that damn Lego box for someone else's birthday—someone who wasn't Seonghwa.
He couldn't associate the secret admirer with Hongjoong anymore because, somehow, Seonghwa didn't like the idea of Hongjoong being in love with someone else. After years of being invisible, now he had his complete attention.
"Damn it!"
He put the diary aside for a moment and picked up his phone, opening Instagram to search for the redhead's profile.
It took a while, but he managed to find it through Han's profile in a tagged photo.
“NoOneLikeMe” was the username, and Seonghwa almost found it comical. For real, “no one has ever caught my attention like you Hongjoong.”
His feed didn't have many photos; most were of flowers, a computer, some books, and landscapes. He only had one of himself.
In the photo, he was sitting in an armchair, in front of a mirror. His posture was relaxed, almost lying on his left arm. His face was hidden behind the phone, but it was still possible to see his eyes and the beginning of his nose. He wasn't wearing glasses. His hair was black, and he was wearing a simple white shirt and tight-fitting black pants. The post date said it was four months ago.
The photo seemed innocent, but the longer Seonghwa stared at the image, the more frustrated he became that he hadn't noticed that Hongjoong was totally his type.
“It's really hot today, and to make my personal hell even worse, he was wearing a cropped top. I'll never get tired of admiring his body; I can never look away when he shows any part of his waist, it's too attractive. I want to touch you so badly… your skin must be as soft as your lips look.”
Two pages were left to finish the diary; the rest was blank. At the end of the notebook, there was nothing written or scribbled, so everything would end there. Seonghwa hesitated a little, but decided to finish reading it quickly.
The two pages, front and back, were continuous. It would be the longest text he had written so far.
“Yesterday I dreamt about you. Not that it doesn't happen often, but it was different. This particular dream made me think about “us.” We were sitting together in some random café, and I remember the details of your face very well. You were smiling and resting your face on your hand, looking at me. Your smile was so beautiful, and your eyes sparkled as you looked at me. Even your expression was calm and relaxed, as if I were telling you the most interesting thing in the world. Your eyes never left mine, and our fingers were intertwined on the table. Anyone passing by could see it, and you didn't seem ashamed; in fact, you even seemed proud. Proud of me? Proud of us? I don't know, but your happiness was genuine. I don't remember what we talked about, and I don't care honestly. I only remember you. Happy. Smiling. With me.
When I woke up, I stared at the ceiling for a while, while that pleasant feeling from the dream faded, and I was overcome by the reality that this will never happen. I know you will never see me – if you ever truly saw me any time – as someone more than just the class nerd. I know I can be better than everyone else who's ever been in your life, and I know I can make you happy. With me, you don't need to fear anything; just hold my hand, and I'll guide you. There would be no sadness, dissatisfaction, or any negative feelings in your life; I would take on your pain without a second thought. I would spend the day declaring my love, always reminding you how beautiful you are and how nothing in the world can be compared to you. You always have been and always will be my star, my sun. You pulled me out of the darkness that was my life without even knowing it. Everything that was black and white gained color, and my favorite color today is the pink that illuminates your face when you laugh until you almost lose your breath. What wouldn't I do to be the person who makes you laugh like that… I get frustrated and tortured, hiding in the cowardice of not having and being enough for you, after all, you deserve the best. I can be my best, at my maximum, but it still wouldn't be enough. I hope one day to be able to forget you and get over you, to move on with my life as if I never spent those years living a platonic love, but I know that if I ever meet someone, I will always look for your eyes, your mouth, and your laugh. Everything I observed from afar all these years, etched in my memory, will haunt me for the rest of my life. And it won't be because you're with someone else—well, actually, it will be that too—but because I never had the courage to try. How many times have I looked at your Instagram profile, without the courage to follow you? How many times have I written notes to leave on your desk, and given up? How many times have your friends caught me looking at you, and I backed down? I'm stuck on you in every possible and unimaginable way, and I don't regret it. I would do it all again, even. My only mistake is being a coward. I'm not afraid of you rejecting me—let's be realistic, I'm aware of my appearance—but the idea of you finally seeing me and being disappointed because it's me who looks and loves you are suffocating my mind. You can tell me I'm not your type, that you're not interested in me, but if you looked at me and I see the disgust and disappointment on your face that I'm there, loving you, I couldn't bear it. You deserve the best, and I hate myself every day for not being able to be that for you. I can be the most sincere, devoted, passionate, and true. But never the best. I can be the best student, the best professional in our field, the best at everything, but not the best option for you. You don't deserve someone fearful, cowardly, and deluded. You don't deserve someone who doesn't know how to get over someone who was never truly theirs.
You don't deserve someone weak enough to spend years looking at you and never being able to say hi.
Perhaps what hurts me the most, honestly, is knowing that you were my world, when to you, I was only invisible.”
—-
“Happy birthday!”
Seonghwa smiled, receiving hugs from his friends. Wooyoung, San, and Yunho were around him, quietly singing happy birthday.
“I know we planned to have dinner today, but we couldn’t wait until the end of the day to congratulate you.” Yeosang said, smiling broadly as he brought his arm, hidden behind his body, forward. He held a cupcake with a lit white candle on top.
“Don’t forget to make a wish!” Yunho reminded him.
Seonghwa stared at the flame for a few moments, then closed his eyes tightly, blowing out the flame.
—
The week of the birthday passed, and the period of days he had set as the birthday of the person he secretly admired had ended.
Seonghwa looked around for a box or someone talking about Lego, but even a week later, there was nothing.
The person wasn’t from his class, but mainly, the person wasn’t him.
He hadn't considered himself an option until recently.
When he finished reading the diary, Seonghwa spent two days without going to class. He had told his friends he was sick, but it wasn't true. He spent two days thinking about everything he had read, and noting the details, he came to the conclusion that he could be the person the diary was talking about.
There were many coincidences, and he couldn't ignore the idea that he had been oblivious to all of this for so long.
And there was also the issue of Seonghwa not knowing who the owner of the notebook was. He had formed an idea that it could be Hongjoong, and his mind became so convinced of this that he feared confusing things and acting wrongly or hastily. He had to be cautious; he didn't know and wasn't sure of anything.
The secret admirer had said he would give him a birthday present if he had the courage, and since there were only a few days left until the week, he decided to wait.
Deep down, he hoped to arrive in the classroom and find a gift box on his desk, but as the days passed, he grew disappointed by the reality that there was nothing.
He made a point of dressing up more for college every day of the week he considered his birthday week. He would wake up early, look for clothes that closely resembled those his admirer described in the diary, and put them on.
When he arrived in the classroom, his gaze would always meet Hongjoong's. Most of the time, the other was already expecting their eyes to meet, and when he smiled, Seonghwa felt his body tingle. They exchanged glances and smiles during classes, but neither took the initiative to say anything.
Seonghwa could go up to him and confront him, but the idea of him revealing himself as the secret admirer made his mind fantasize about romantic and unrealistic stories. And it all started with him getting the Lego box.
But that didn't happen.
And since then, he'd shut himself off. He didn't want to live that game anymore, so he went back to dressing normally and avoiding Hongjoong's gaze.
Seonghwa felt frustrated for having concluded this whole story incorrectly, because he really wanted to have been the person described in the diary.
But he wasn't.
And neither was Hongjoong.
Class had already started when he entered the room, asking the teacher for permission to leave and apologizing for being late.
Wooyoung asked if he was alright, as soon as Seonghwa sat down next to him, slightly worried.
"Yes, I just lost track of time today." He brushed it off, opening his bag and taking out his materials.
Underneath each table was a space to store the bag, and when he finished organizing the items on the table, the bag wouldn't fit.
He tried forcing it a few times, but it wouldn't go in. He groped around, finding a box in the space that should have been free.
His heart raced as he pulled the object into his field of vision.
The blue packaging was quickly torn open, and as soon as his eyes read the word Lego in the open corner, he smiled broadly.
It was a Star Wars Lego set, the only one missing from his collection.
His whole body was overcome with a feeling of ecstasy, and when he finished opening the gift, there was a Post-it note stuck in the middle of the box.
“Sorry for the delay, happy birthday.
HJ.”
Seonghwa wanted to shout with happiness, but instead, he quickly turned around, looking for Hongjoong.
When his eyes ran to the table at the back of the room, it was empty.
“Where’s Hongjoong?” Seonghwa asked Wooyoung, examining the Lego box in his hand.
His friend looked up and shrugged before replying, “He went to the bathroom before you arrived.”
“I’ll be right back!” he said, getting up and excusing himself to the teacher. Seonghwa didn’t even bother to listen for the permission to leave and was soon out of the room.
The bathrooms were next to the cafeterias on the first floor. Seonghwa ran down the stairs and stopped suddenly when he saw Hongjoong sitting at one of the tables.
The redhead had both hands on his face, and both legs were trembling under the table. He was nervous.
When he stopped in front of him, Seonghwa extended his arm, offering his hand, calling his attention.
“Come with me, please?”
Hongjoong’s eyes wandered from Seonghwa’s face to his hand, and he simply nodded in agreement. As soon as their hands touched, Seonghwa smiled, pulling Hongjoong closer.
—
As soon as the back door of Seonghwa's car closed, he was already in Hongjoong's lap.
The redhead's hands automatically went to his waist, squeezing his skin and pulling him closer. Seonghwa arched his back and held Hongjoong's face with both hands before taking off his glasses.
"It's really you," he said, feeling a smile grow on his face.
"It's me," Hongjoong replied, rubbing their noses together, bringing their faces closer.
Without thinking about anything else, Seonghwa closed the space between them, pressing his lips to Hongjoong's. The kiss wasn't calm; as soon as their tongues met, they both lost themselves in each other. Hongjoong caressed his waist and pulled him closer, while Seonghwa played with his fingers on the redhead's nape.
When the other nibbled at Seonghwa's lip, pulling it before initiating another fierce kiss, Seonghwa could only react in the most natural way possible: with a ridiculous moan.
As soon as the sound left his mouth, Hongjoong lunged at him hungrily. The kiss intensified, and Seonghwa could feel his entire body trembling, ecstatic.
When air became necessary, they both pulled apart just enough to breathe, keeping their foreheads together.
“That was… wow.” Seonghwa began, “And I loved the gift, secret admirer.”
They stared at each other, and Hongjoong smiled at the nickname.
“I didn’t know you went around reading other people’s diaries.”
Seonghwa smiled, leaving a quick kiss on the redhead’s lips before replying.
“Your secret is safe with me.”
Hongjoong chuckled softly, returning the kiss before continuing.
“I was afraid you wouldn’t find the diary, and someone else would. But Wooyoung said that…”
“Wooyoung?!”
Seonghwa interrupted the other, his tone indignant.
“What did Wooyoung do?”
Hongjoong caressed his face, tucking a few strands of hair behind his ear before answering.
“He was the one who suggested you find my notebook.”
“What?”
Hongjoong pulled Seonghwa closer again, running his hand behind his neck, bringing his face close once more. Their lips brushed.
“He always noticed me watching you from afar, and one day he realized our notebooks were identical.” Hongjoong placed a kiss on Seonghwa’s lips, “He suggested switching notebooks and making you find it, but he didn’t know it was my diary. He just told me to leave a message inside, which you would read.”
“I can’t believe it.”
Hongjoong chuckled against his lips, continuing to caress his neck.
“I honestly don’t know how I could agree to his idea,” he continued, “but seeing it now,” his eyes surveyed Seonghwa fully before returning to his gaze, “I don’t regret it.”
“Why didn’t you come talk to me before?” Seonghwa asked.
“Why didn’t you come talk to me when you found out it was me?”
Seonghwa didn’t know how to answer.
“I was a coward, I was scared, but…” Hongjoong nibbled on Seonghwa’s lower lip, “I’m not anymore.”
Seonghwa remained still in his lap, without reacting.
“You don’t seem like that shy person from the notebook.” He said, after a moment of silence.
“Believe me, I’m just as surprised as you.” He admitted, a little embarrassed.
Seonghwa hugged his neck again, before kissing him again. This time the kiss was calm and long, there was no rush.
“Hongjoong.” He whispered between the redhead’s lips. It was delicious and liberating to say his name. “Hongjoong.”
Each time the redhead heard his name from Seonghwa’s lips, the kiss intensified. It didn't take long for them both to be thirsty for each other and before they noticed, their bodies were all sweaty and they were breathing heavily in the back seat of the car.
Everything happened very quickly, neither of them lasted long, and when they reached their climax together, Seonghwa intertwined their fingers, kissing the back of Hongjoong's hand.
"Mine," Seonghwa said, getting lost in Hongjoong's eyes.
"In the past, in the present, and in the future. Always."