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In December of 1983, Steve Harrington accepted that he was a lonely person.
In January of 1984, he accepted that he had always been.
-
Tommy
Steve’s high school experience brought him what he always wanted. Half the school envied and worshipped him, whilst the other half despised his guts with a burning passion.
In the Autumn of 1983 something in his brain clicked, or rather was knocked into position either by Jonathan Byers or the Demogorgon. He truly meant nothing to them, neither the ones who hated him nor the ones who worshipped him, and within a few short months, the evidence began to unravel.
Friendship breakups weren’t always dramatic and neither did they always happen at a clear point in time. Sometimes people just drift apart. Steve managed to realise that simply being with someone all the time doesn’t make you true friends.
It started when Tommy only came by his locker if they had a class together.
“What’s up with you man? You too busy hanging out with that Wheeler bitch to go down to the quarry with us last night?”
“No.”
“Well I know you weren’t fucking sleeping cause you look like shit.”
In his own roundabout way, Steve knew Tommy was concerned for him. It wasn’t Tommy’s fault that Steve never told him anything. Steve’s issues weren’t something he could share even if he wanted to. He had signed some government document that sealed his lips indefinitely. Although something told him that he wouldn’t have said anything anyway.
Then Tommy stopped coming to his locker at all and Steve never made an effort to go to his. Steve noticed weeks later that no one else had taken Tommy’s place.
-
Mr & Mrs Harrington
For months, Steve spoke to no one. His father was constantly on business trips and only came home once a month, clapping him on the back expressing how proud he was that his son was up until 3am every night studying for finals. That's what his Mother told him and she wasn’t wrong. Studying took his mind off things.
“What are you planning on studying tonight?”
“English, we’re doing Macbeth, I have to annotate the last act.”
“You’re finally taking your studies seriously, your Mother and I a very proud.”
In reality, the Demogorgon was keeping him awake. Every night it clawed its way into his dreams and he’d wake up in a cold sweat barely able to contain his screams.
Two weeks after it happened, he had his first nightmare and he screamed his heart out. His father who was away at the time was none the wiser, but his Mother came bounding in with her dressing gown haphazardly tied around her waist and hair perfectly assembled in plastic rollers.
“What’s happened darling?” Steve could feel his bottom lip trembling, the corners of his mouth uncontrollably downturning. In the darkness of his room, Steve knew his Mother wouldn’t notice.
She wasn’t a bad Mother per se, but it wasn’t a skill that came easy to her. The instinct that should have told her something was wrong simply wasn’t there. And it wasn’t her fault, but it also wasn’t Steve’s.
“Nothing, just a nightmare.” His Mother sighed and sat down on the side of his bed, her hand running through his overgrown mane of hair. They sat for many minutes, Steve drinking up the attention and heavily contemplating telling her everything. He hadn’t spoken to anyone about the Upside Down or the Demogorgon since Hopper sat him down in the station and explained everything, handed him a document to sign and drove him home.
Jonathan and Will had their Mother, the kids had each other and Nancy had Mike. Surely if Steve just told one person, they wouldn’t do anything? Would they?
But before he could open his mouth she opened hers.
“You must be stressed from school.”
Steve let out a shaky breath, his heart dropping into his stomach. It was a kind of disappointment he’d never felt before. He was never going to tell her and she was never going to ask.
“Yeah.”
Then she left. He was aching for her to stay, to ask him what was wrong but she wasn’t that sort of Mother and he wasn’t that sort of son.
That's when he decided to obsess over studying to all hours of the night. If he stayed awake, he didn’t have to dream. And when he did fall asleep on the couch, his screams couldn’t reach the second floor. It was a good enough cover for his sluggish demeanour and lack of friends. For a while, no one bothered him and he bothered no one. Junior year came and went and he passed with grades far surpassing his previous expectations.
-
Dustin
When senior year came around, things started looking up for Steve.
He was going to apologise to Nancy and then go home and work on his college essays. City planning and infrastructure was what he was looking into. It wasn’t too difficult but still intellectually stimulating. All the maths and design intrigued him.
Her house wasn’t far from his, but in recent months it felt like the space between the two stretched and stretched like a rubber band. Last week the tension had become too much but somewhere in Steve’s stupid brain, he thought he could repair it with red flowers.
“Steve! Are those for Mr and Mrs Wheeler?”
“No…?”
“Good.” The kid snatched them from his hand, marching back towards his car.
“Hey what the hell?”
“Nancy isn’t home.”
“Where is she?”
“Doesn’t matter, we have bigger problems than your love life.”
As pathetic as it sounds, Steve remembered that interaction like it happened yesterday.
Dustin Henderson, a 13 year old nerd had changed his life.
On the surface, being dragged into the whole alternate dimension bullshit for a second time might look like a tragedy. And it was. Barb had died, and now Ms Byers boyfriend, Bob had as well. But Steve was happy to be a part of it. He now had a purpose. Looking after those god damn kids. He drove them places. He patched them up. He stayed.
Max’s brother, Billy, beat the shit out of him and no matter how much Steve reassured everyone that he was fine, the evidence was there. His brain wasn’t going to live as long as his body would like.
His Mother was beside herself, squeezing his hand at his bedside in the hospital in an effort to comfort herself rather than him.
However, dying didn’t bother him. Despite being 18 and ready for college, he still hadn’t quite grasped the concept of himself, Steve Harrington being an old person. He didn’t think he was going to die early or anything. Rather, he couldn’t believe there could be a future where he grows old.
More than likely, he’d become like his father, running a business and starting a family. Their faces might even look even more similar as the time passes.
-
The Demogorgon
Finals were approaching and Steve was honestly feeling good about it. His teachers had been impressed beyond belief and his parents prouder than ever. Usually that kind of faith his parents had in him would make him nervous and probably bomb out of the exams but this time, he had simply studied far too hard for there to be any ounce of doubt in his mind. Then after this year was over, he’d be on his way to college. He might even start studying over the holidays.
Steve drove up to the school in his BMW for his maths exam. For the first time ever he had shown up with a calculator, ruler, pencil and eraser. In the corner of his eye he could see his old friends whispering and looking over notes last minute. He thinks that maybe if none of this happened, he’d be over there with them. Steve couldn’t make up his mind if he was glad about it or not. On one hand we wouldn’t be having intermittent nightmares about the slimy interdimensional monster and probably still have friends. But then he also would still be a douchebag who did nothing but disappoint his parents and bully outcasts.
The exam was going amazing. Steve had always believed himself to be simply stupid and simple minded. However, his hard work had paid off. Sure, he was probably getting a B or a B+, same as Tina who had only started studying 2 days ago, but he was actually going to pass.
The big clock at the front counted down. It had been 15 minutes and Steve was already a quarter way through.
Then the lights flickered and shut off for a few short seconds.
But, it was long enough to scare the living daylights out of him. When the lights started flickering back on, it became all too much. The door was 15 feet away. Outside the building, it couldn’t get him. It didn’t like the heat.
In reality, Steve knew he was being paranoid. If he truly believed that thing was coming, he’d have freaked out and yelled at all his class mates to leave as well. Would he have? Or did he leave them there on purpose to give the god awful thing a distraction?
Steve didn’t want to know.
The bricks he leaned against with eyes closed seeped heat into his skin, a sensation he’s only enjoying due to the circumstances. After what felt like a couple seconds he pried open his eyes and peered through the window back into the exam room. In reality, it had been 8 minutes, the massive clock at the front of the gym yelling at him to get back inside.
But, there was no going back inside for Steve. The invigilator told him so. He could have snuck to a phone to call someone, or run to scour through notes in his locker.
Steve knew he had failed maths.
He hadn’t received his grade, but the same day of the exam his Mum received a phone call from the principal. Steve sat on the bottom stair and listened in, prompting his Mother’s answers and guessing the principals words.
“He left 15 minutes in?”
“That’s not my Steve, he’s been working so hard.”
“He can do it again, alright that’s good.”
“A doctor? Do you have any you recommend?
“Alright let me get a pen.”
“Alright so that was Doctor Philip and the Sarah, the school counsellor.”
“Thank you so much, I’m sure Steve will be ecstatic to know you graciously gave him a second chance.”
All Steve had to do was get a doctor’s or counsellors note and he could do it again.
The doctor would know nothing was wrong, so he went to the counsellor. He had cooked up a story involving Nancy, his now ex-girlfriend blaming him for Barb’s ‘disappearance’. It wasn’t false, but it wasn’t the true reason. Steve knew it would be hard to sell.
“So, you ran out of the exam after the blackout because the darkness reminded you of your girlfriend?”
“Ex-girlfriend.”
“I’m sorry but I can’t excuse that.”
“Did you miss the blaming me for the missing friend part?”
“I just don’t see how that correlates.”
“You seriously think that after two years of working my ass off I’d just leave the final exam because I felt like it. Look at my grades,” Steve waved up the piece of paper, lips pursed together in desperation. “Call my parents, they’ll tell you that I’ve been working tirelessly day and night.”
She sat forward in her chair, hands clasped and elbows firmly planted on the desk. “Mr Harrington, I have no doubt that you had a good reason to leave the exam, I just don’t believe that the reason you gave me was the right one. Come back to me when you’re ready to tell me the truth.”
“Can I come back to you anyway?”
“Of course.” She smiled and gestured to the door.
-
Robin
In summer of 1985, Steve found a job. His Father hadn’t exactly cut him off, but did expect him to pull his weight, buy groceries once a week and pay for his own petrol seeing as he didn’t get into college. And as much as he loved the kids, they were children and they couldn’t fully satisfy his friendship needs and neither could he satisfy theirs.
When he met Robin it was like life finally had vibrance again. Or maybe that was just the colour of the Scoops Ahoy uniform planting ideas in his head.
Steve thought he was in love and he was going to confess to her in that grubby cinema bathroom after escaping that hellhole of a Russian base.
Instead, she came out to him.
It was a gesture so important to a whole person's life that Steve couldn’t help but feel honoured, despite his past views on homosexuality. Robin was a normal girl. She wasn’t a monster and certainly wasn’t any lesser than him, and she was a lesbian.
Steve’s heart didn’t break. Instead, he simply felt some sort of strange relief. Someone had trusted him, and he trusted her. Steve trusted Robin so much that he allowed her to change his mind on homosexuality within an instant.
Years later, Steve would tell Robin that she was the one to ‘radicalise’ him. To Steve’s disbelief, she was pleasantly surprised. A smile erupted all over her face, her eyes softening with adoration painted through them. Steve didn’t understand why she reacted like that, but somewhere in his chest, something resolved into a peace he didn’t realise wasn’t there.
The video store job was an absolute blast. Steve and Robin showed up everyday without even dreading it. Sure the customers were shit but damn she was just such a refreshing presence and Steve hoped he was one for her as well.
The only thing he dreaded was cleaning up at the end of the night. Robin often brought up existential or personal questions. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to engage or tell robin things but rather, he wished he was prepared. So often she would catch him off guard. Ask something that brought up his douchebag past.
“Steve, I know you don’t hate ‘my kind’ and all now, but did you before?”
“I said some pretty shitty things to Jonathan Byers about Will when he was missing I remember.”
“Oh.”
“I was a piece of shit, I know.”
Often their conversations ended in silence, just like that one. The one that Steve believed would end their friendship. He was wrong.
“You want to come over tonight?” She grinned waving around one of the Star Wars movies in her hand. She knew it was his favourite and she knew he was feeling shitty. Could anyone really ask for a better friend?
A friend that knew him almost inside out.
A friend that knew about the Upside Down.
A friend whose life he next to ruined.
It was eating him alive. Not only did he introduce her to this godforsaken world, he was happy about it. What kind of person feels like that?
A lonely person does that, someone who drags people down with him just to have some sort of meaningful human interaction.
-
Hopper
Steve never had much of a relationship with the chief, but he owed that man his life. It was 1987 and Steve had given up his dreams of going to college. The town was in some sort of government mandated lockdown so not even Nancy could get out to college. That didn’t stop him from studying though. Even after all those years, the numbers and words took his mind off things.
After dark, when the radio station was closed, Steve would hang back with Robin, who would use the stations sound system to her advantage and study. Murray had shot him a confused look when he asked for Calculus and Analytic Geometry by Thomas & Finney, but other than that, no one batted an eye. Apart from Jim Hopper.
“Steve, do you mind if I set up shop here for a couple days? I’ve got to look through all these files from the school counsellor to try and find Vecna’s next victim.”
“Yeah, yeah sure. That desk over there’s full of just pens I think.” Hopper smiled and dropped his massive box of files onto the floor.
Over the following days, Hopper had noticed that Steve was relentlessly studying before work, during his lunch break and after work. It was hard not to.
“What are you learning today?”
“Calculus, I’m trying to learn the difference between definite and indefinite integrals.” Steve tapped the back of his pen onto the shiny textbook pages. It barely made a sound.
“You’ve been hanging around this lot far too much kid. It’s very hard to believe that you, Steve Harrington, are studying… for fun.”
“Well, 1893 brought me some pretty life altering circumstances, so I picked up a hobby.” Hopper nodded his head and let out a breath of understanding.
“You tell me kid, you tell me.” The wheels of Hoppers office chair screeched as he pulled himself back towards his desk and opened yet another file.
A couple months later, Steve came to work and found a file on his desk marked with his name splayed across the front in thick permanent marker. Inside were more files, one marked ‘report, 1984’ another ‘resit application’, and another labelled ‘session one 1984’. The last one Steve almost missed. It was newer looking and labelled ‘reconsideration, 1987’.
Steve Harrington 1984, semester 2
SAT : 750
Steve Harrington 1984, SAT (Mathematics section) resit application.
Arrival to Exam: On time
Departure from exam: + 00:15
Proposed resit time : June 19th, 1984 9:00am
Resit allowances: Remaining 01:45.
Reason: Flickering lights from blackout triggered emotional response regarding missing peer Barbara Holland and concerns from girlfriend Nancy Wheeler.
Verdict: Declined.
Steve Harrington, 1984, session one.
Student: Harrington, Steven
Date: June 6, 1984'
Referral: Left SAT without permission
Presentation: Student appeared well groomed and physically healthy. No signs of intoxication or injury. Maintained eye contact intermittently.
Student Report: Claims emotional distress related to girlfriend (Nancy Wheeler) and perceived blame regarding disappearance of a peer (Barbara Holland). Narrative vague and inconsistent. Avoided elaboration when prompted.
Counsellor Observations: Student demonstrates reluctance to disclose information. Displays discomfort when discussing exam environment (darkness, lights off). Possible anxiety response.
Impression: Underlying stressors likely extend beyond reported romantic issues. Student not forthcoming. No clear grounds at present for academic exemption.
Action: Advised student to return when prepared to speak honestly.
Reconsideration, 1987
Student: Harrington, Steven
Date: April 2, 1987
Request: Reconsideration of SAT (Mathematics section) Final Examination (1984) outcome.
Basis of Request: Reconsideration initiated following review of external documentation referring to the student’s circumstances at the time of the June 1984 examination.
Review of Record: Academic record from 1983–1984 demonstrates consistent and satisfactory performance across core subjects. No prior academic misconduct noted. Previous denial of resit application was based on incomplete contextual information available to staff at the time.
Additional Documentation: Supplementary material provided by external federal agencies confirms the student was subject to extraordinary stressors during the examination period, the details of which were not eligible for disclosure in 1984.
Assessment: In light of newly reviewed information, the committee determines that the student’s withdrawal from the SAT final examination occurred under circumstances beyond his reasonable control.
Decision: Request for reconsideration is approved. Original examination outcome is disregarded. Student is granted opportunity to resit.
Note: This decision supersedes all prior determinations related to the June 1984 SAT examination.
Reviewed by: Academic Review Committee In consultation with external authorities
Steve was beyond perplexed. How someone managed to do this for him was mind-blowing. No one had ever argued on his behalf before. There was already an inkling in the back of Steve’s head telling him that it was Hopper. The reason he knew about Steve’s studying obsession was because he needed somewhere to comb through old counsellor files after all. It was hard to believe that Hopper had for some reason gone out of his way to talk to his government buddies and allow him to resit the god damn SAT’s years later.
…
Steve does resit the maths SAT. Not to get into college but to feel like he got what he deserved after so much hard work. The envelope containing his scores arrived less than a month later and sat unopened on his kitchen bench for the better half of 2 weeks.
Then Robin came over. It was hidden under the water bill, but that didn’t stop her from looking around to find it. She knew Steve too well.
“How long have you had it?”
“About a week.”
“Do you want me to open it first?”
“Yeah.” She raised her eyebrows and tilted her head to the side.
“Yeah I’m sure. You open it.”
She did so meticulously, trying not to ruin the envelope. The paper was thicker than usual so Steve couldn’t see the shadows of the inked letters through to the other side despite the sun shining through the window.
Robin’s face lit up, the light behind her highlighting the blonde in her flyaways.
“You piece of shit.” The blue in her eyes seemed to brighten and the feeling of dread which had nestled in his chest for many weeks now lifted. It wasn’t relief he felt, but rather a profound sense of belief in himself.
“1200 overall and seven-fucking-hundred in maths”
Steve hadn’t felt like crying in a while. But in that moment he really did, but tears didn’t come to his eyes and the choking feeling didn’t make itself known in his throat. It was as if he was completely in control.
…
After the Upside Down was blasted into oblivion, Steve was left with a choice. Stay in Hawkins or go to college. Robin, Nancy and Jonathan all chose college, so why shouldn’t he? Why after all this time and effort did Steve want to stay. It was almost like fate when a flyer taped to the high school bulletin board caught his eye. Dustin was rifling through his locker behind him and Steve had nothing better to do. They needed a P.E teacher. No academic experience required.
And that's how Steve spent the remainder of his days. Coaching and teaching. It was hard leaving the thought of city planning and infrastructure in the past but Steve upon reflection, he realised that he was always meant to stay in Hawkins.
“Mr Harrington?” A kid, maybe 9 or 10 tugged at his sleeve. He wasn’t one of his students, but when on playground duty it seemed he was a celebrity.
“What’s up Kiddo?” Steve bent down to the kid’s eye level.
“Have you been on a plane before?”
“I used to travel around with my parents when I was your age.”
“Is it cool? Have you seen the ocean?”
“I have, but don’t worry, you will one day too.” The kid looked at him with a look Steve wasn’t expecting. It was something between sadness and terror.
“And even if you don’t, I don’t think you’ll be missing much. See, I’ve travelled everywhere and I still live here, don’t I?
The kid smiled, spun on his heel and ran off towards the playground.
…
Eventually, Steve found a wife and she was special.
Every night, her fingers would comb through his hair just like his mother used to. Then they’d make their way down to his face, where she would trace the thin white lines that littered his face.
Her voice was a whisper so quiet Steve had to read her lips to understand her. “Where’d you get that one?”
“Jonathan Byers, Junior year.” Her fingers found another scar, her nails scratching an itch he didn’t know he had.
“What about this one?”
“Billy Hargrove, Senior year.” Her hands trailed down to his neck, their fingertips fluttering over the thin white line circling his neck.
“And this one?” The heat from her breath billowed around his neck, her voice slightly deeper than usual, like she was preempting his answer.
Steve brought his hands to hers peeling her fingers away from his neck and intertwining their fingers “You know I can’t tell you.”
Her eyes were sad, but understanding.
For years, she’d sit through hours of neurologist appointments never once pressuring him to tell her why, but always with the confidence that one day he would. However, Steve had signed government papers all those years ago that didn’t care who he loved.
It wasn’t like she was ignorant, but rather that she cared too much. Eventually, she learned which scars not to ask about, and which nights to leave the light on. But nevertheless, she stayed until the very end. Hoping that one day he would tell her everything. And eventually he might’ve, but the world was cruel and brain injuries were crueler.
In 1998 on a cool November day weeks before his first child was born, Steve had a seizure during the night, the doctors said that his brain simply stopped keeping itself alive. They said it wasn’t painful or drawn out, it simply would have felt like falling into a state of relaxation that you never knew was possible.
And although it was sad, he died happy.
Because Steve Harrington wasn’t a lonely person.