Chapter Text
Jae was feminine. At least he was relative to other men. He was aware of this.
He'd been aware of it pretty much his entire life, and his grandmother was very supportive of him embracing the more feminine side of himself growing up. Usually, he had no issue wearing makeup or dresses in public, or being referred to with alternate pronouns, and the years he'd spent working to overcome his insecurities certainly hadn't been for nothing.. but he'd never been in such a serious relationship before.
Sure, he'd dated people, a lot of people, but those relationships usually ended (quite dramatically) after a few months, or maybe a year if they were lucky. Jae had loved all his previous partners, he truly had.. But he was obsessed with Beomseok. Not only that, but Beomseok was obsessed with him. They were obsessed with each other, and Jae really, really, reaaaaaally didn't wanna do anything wrong, or anything that might scare his oh-so-perfect boyfriend away.
One evening, he was getting ready for their date, humming cheerfully to himself as he opened his overflowing closet to find an outfit. He reached for his favorite combo, a pair of dress pants and matching long skirt that made him feel-
He paused.
.. What if Beomseok didn't like this? This.. other side of him?
He hadn't exactly hidden it, but Beom also hadn't seen him go "all out" before. His makeup was one thing, but what if his outfit went too far? What if Beom thought he was weird, or thought Jae was lying to him, or-
He put the skirt back. He'd be fine wearing just the pants this time around.
Now that the thought was implanted into his brain, he couldn't seem to push it to the side. The idea of Beomseok being disgusted plagued his mind as he did his makeup and hair, stress twisting in his core as he wondered if he looked too much like a girl.. usually he wouldn't mind at all.
By the time he was actually getting ready to go, that ball of discomfort in his stomach had grown significantly, and Daeun noticed how worried he looked. He looked up from the couch as Jae walked by, brows furrowing in concern as the other anxiously paced back and forth across the room.
"Jae? You good?"
"Huh?!" Jae startled a little, looking up from his phone. "O-oh.. yeah, I'm fine."
".. You look like you're gonna throw up."
"I-I'm just nervous! I've been yapping about how much I like Beomseok for months, y'know."
"Oh, trust me, I know." Daeun replied with light sarcasm. "But seriously, are you okay?"
Jae put a hand on his chest and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. He could handle this. ".. I'll be okay. Date jitters."
His phone buzzed with a notification, letting him know that his rideshare driver was here. He grabbed his keys and unlocked the door.
"I promise to call if I wanna leave, okay?" He said with fake cheerfulness, kissing the air in Daeun's direction, and the other pretending to dodge the imaginary air kiss as usual. "Have fun with Zoeyyy~!"
Daeun huffed, but Jae smirked as his face reddened slightly. "Uh-.. Yeah whatever, get out of here."
The date was great. Of course it was. Jae always had an incredible time with Beomseok, and this was no different. They went to this cute little Italian restaurant downtown, saw a romcom, went for a walk as the sun slipped below the horizon, and Jae's heart was still fluttering when he closed the front door of the apartment.
Daeun's door was closed, but he and Zoey were still awake, laughter and the soundtrack of a popular videogame coming from the crack beneath the door. Jae retreated to his own room, shutting the door as quietly as possible before collapsing onto his bed.
His phone buzzed, and he scrambled to grab it and check the notification. His heart leapt in his chest when he saw it was a text from Beomseok:
'had a great time!'
Jae's lips curled into an uncontrollable smile, and he quickly typed a reply.
'same here, luv going out with u~'
Beomseok replied almost instantly, and his words made Jae pause.
'I know I told u this at the restaurant, but u looked amazing'
Amazing? That was good, of course.. but was this just confirming his fears? Did Beom prefer the more masculine version of him? Was he stating what he liked and wanted to see on the rest of their dates? Was he being honest, or- oh gods, maybe he didn't like Jae's outfit at all! Maybe even this was too much and he was just being polite to not hurt his feelings! What if-
His heartbeat picked up as he exhaled shakily, putting his head in his hands as he tried to get himself under control. He was fine, everything was fine, he was just.. being dramatic. As usual. Dramatic.
Slowly, Jae sat up, legs wobbly as he turned on the bedside lamp and started getting un-ready. His hands and fingers trembled as he took off his jewelry, his and toes dug into the carpet of his room as he scrubbed the makeup off of his face, which suddenly felt heavy and overwhelming.
Now bare-faced and more distraught than ever, he felt the all-too-familiar stinging pressure of tears threatening to fall. Jae inhaled sharply, ripping off his suddenly suffocating clothes and pulling on his pajamas. He opened the closet with more force than necessary, trembling hands reaching for his favorite hoodie..
It was Beomseok's. Deep red with a bowl of ramen graphic on the front, the one he'd not-so-secretly taken home with him after one of their dates. He'd let him keep it.
He tugged it on, pulling up the hood and humming in satisfaction as the comfy fabric settled around him. He crawled back into bed, lying on his side and staring into space.
Jae had always avoided contemplating his gender identity too much. He was a man. Maybe.
As stated earlier, he'd always been aware that he was more feminine than the average man, but if he was being completely honest.. gender felt so restricting. It felt like a tightrope he was teetering on, wobbling from one side to the other, unable to "just pick a side," no matter how much he felt like he should.
He'd always gone by "he" because that was what everyone else called him. He'd been a "he" all his life, and he didn't dislike it, but it didn't encompass all of him either. He didn't always want to be a "he," sometimes he wanted to feel feminine, and other times he wanted to be something entirely separate.
A lock of hair fell into his(???) face, the hair he'd made excuses about cutting to feel better about his appearance. He flicked it away with a long nail, perfectly manicured and painted a soft blue, the way he'd started getting them done after moving to Seoul. He liked what he saw when he looked in the mirror.. and that person wasn't really a man. Well, sometimes they were, maybe? Maybe they were both, maybe neither, maybe a combination of multiple things they couldn't describe with words.
Jae's gender felt ever-changing. Maybe it wasn't teetering on a tightrope, but more like a ball rolling around a constantly moving surface, ebbing and flowing from one area to the next, but never staying stagnant for long.
They sat up in bed, glancing across the room at the mirror at his vanity. They stared at their own reflection, into their own eyes, the way they'd done countless times before.. but they'd never really looked at themselves until now.
Maybe they hadn't known themselves as well as they'd thought.