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„Wait your coming to the party tonight, right?”
Jackie says while grabbing her bag from Shauna’s dirty trunk.
“I wasn’t planning to.” She yells over the music.
Jackie walks back to the front seat and opens the door.
“Oh come on Shipman. Please?” She says putting on the face she knows Shauna can’t resist.
“You can even wear one of your weird flannels”
“Fine Ill be there” She says.
“Great! See you later then.” Jackie slams the door shut with a smile and walks towards her house. She can hear Shauna back off her car to drive home, Jackie looks back. Shauna’s wavey brown hair is visible through the window, it’s the second thing people notice about Shauna after her beautiful brown eyes. Jackie loves when she wears her hair down.
***
After binge watching a few episodes of her favourite show Jackie gets ready to work on her boring history homework. Her parents would literally kill her if she failed. But what she finds in her backpack isn’t her notebook, no, its Shaunas journal. She must have put it in her bag by accident. It’s the one she bought her for her 16th birthday. Its green and has “Shauna” written on it in gold. It looks used but that makes it even prettier. Jackie bought it for her while she was on a trip in Europe. The two are always thinking of each other. Jackie is always thinking about Shauna.
Jackie knows Shauna loves her. They’ve been friends since forever. They have never experienced life without one another but lately Shauna’s been a little distant. The last time she was like this, was when she has slept with Jeff. But they have talked about that. Shauna apologized, she was sobbing, she told Jackie that she didn’t know why she did it. That may sound like a dumb excuse but Jackie believed her. She had never loved Jeff so the fact that he cheated on her didn’t hurt. Shauna did though. But that night—the way she said it, the way she begged her for forgiveness. It made Jackie realize how much Shauna needed her, how much she wanted her and that feeling, overshadowed everything else.
But what if Shauna wasn’t being honest with her. What if there was a reason she went behind her back to be with Jeff, and that reason is written on one of the pages in Jackies hands. But it would be wrong. The day Shauna told her she started journaling she made her promise to never read any of it. So, she won’t, she’ll give it back to her at the party tonight.
***
Jackie sat at one end of her bed, the journal on the other. She couldn’t stop staring at it. It was wrong, she knew it was wrong but Shauna not telling her how she feels is also wrong.
Maybe she’s having trouble with a guy or maybe her grades are slipping but she’s too scared to tell people. Or maybe the reason to why she had been distant to her was that she didn’t like Jackie the way she used to. Maybe Jackie said something dumb or super mean without noticing. Maybe Shauna thinks Jackie doesn’t like her, but she could never not like Shauna. That’s why she’s so worried about her and that’s why she is reaching for the small book.
She grazes her thumb over the golden name before opening it. The first page said “If you are reading this, please fuck off and mind your business. Also please return to Shauna Shipman” Of course she’d write something like this and it makes Jackie feel guilty for what she’s about to do.
She expected Shauna to write about her, she even thought that she complained about her in her journal, but what she found was worse— There was nothing. In the last couple of days, weeks, month even, Shauna hasn’t mentioned her once.
It was strange, she thought she’d find detailed rundowns of Shaunas days. Entries starting with “Dear, diary” But it was nothing like that. It was all letters. She flicked to the last filled up page and read one of them.
‘Dear J,
I wish I could talk to you about my feelings in person. I wish I could send you this letter, but I can’t because I’m a coward.
Loving you the way I do makes me feel ashamed. You are the most beautiful person I know, nobody deserves you. I don’t deserve you.
I am afraid to tell you about what I feel because I know you don’t feel the same and I am so afraid of losing you. But keeping it inside of me is harder than I thought, its eating me alive, every thought I have is about you and everything I write is about you. You are haunting me in my dreams.’
Shauna is in love with Jeff. Who else can “J” be? Shauna Shipman is in love with Jackies ex-boyfriend and she’s been keeping it a secret. That means she lied to her. When Shauna told Jackie she didn’t know why she had sex with Jeff she was lying.
Why would she not tell her about this? She wrote that its eating her alive, that she’s ashamed, so why didn’t Shauna tell her? Of course Jackie would have been mad but she has never felt something this big for a guy so if Shauna would have told Jackie how deeply she’s in love with fucking Jeff she would have forgiven her.
Jackies tears fall on the Journal so she quickly wipes it down and then dries her eyes. If all of this is true, Jackie is part of the reason why Shauna couldn’t be with Jeff. Because of her Shauna has been miserable and thinking about that breaks her heart.
Jackie would do anything for Shauna, anything. She would have broken up with Jeff, she would have helped Shauna. Jackie always wanted to see Shauna happy, Shauna always got pissed if she tried to couple her up with someone from school but Jackie just wanted to see her happy. She needed to talk to her. She hast to explain everything that she’s sorry she read the journal and that shes not mad, that she could never hate her and that Shauna didn’t have to keep her feelings locked away. Tell her she could talk to her
***
At the party Jackie fidgets with her dress while standing infront of Lotties house. She’s nervous. She doesn’t know how or what she will say but conversations between them go so natural. When Jackie spots Shauna across the parking lot, she’s relieved.
“I thought you weren’t coming.” Jackie smiles. Shauna locks her car, she’s wearing baggy jeans and a flannel, but she looks beautiful. She always looks beautiful. The lights make her skin glow like she’s an angel.
“Why aren’t you inside?” She asks.
“I um—look we have to talk about something.” Jackie opens her bag and pulls out Shauna’s Journal. When Shauna sees it the colour immediately drains from her face. She rips it out of Jackies hands.
“You didn’t read it did you?” Her voice is quiet almost a whisper.
“I did, I’m sorry. And I read the letters and wanted you to know how sorry I am”
Shauna’s eyes tear up.
”I’m sorry you had to keep this secret from me.”
Shauna wipes her eyes.
“And I think you and Jeff should be together.”
The sadness on Shaunas face turns into confusion.
“What are you talking about?”
“I didn’t know you were in love with Jeff. I’m happy for you Shauna, I think he and you would make a great couple. And I know that he’s my ex but I, I just want you to be happy.”
“I don’t think you understand Jax.” Shauna says before running back to her car. Jackie runs after her without hesitation.
“I’ve read the letters Shauna, I know how you feel about him and you really don’t have to-“ Jackie grabs Shauna’s wrist. “Hey, its okay. Just tell me.” She says softly.
“The letters weren’t for Jeff.” Shauna’s been trying to hold herself together, but she reached her breaking point and starts sobbing.
“Oh” Jackie is surprised by this. “Please stop crying Shipman you’re gonna make me cry. Who did you write them for then? Is it a guy I know?”
“Jackie,” Shauna’s voice breaks. “Fuck, the letters were for you okay?”
Jackie freezes.
“Please don’t think I’m gross Jackie.” She takes her hands. “Please can we stay friends? Please, please just don’t leave.”
Jackie could never think that Shauna Shipman is gross, and she could never leave her because, because—
“I love you Shauna.” She says and pulls her into a hug.
“But its different than that Jax, I don’t think you understand.”
Jackie pulls away from Shauna looking into her eyes. She could stare at them for hours. She closes her eyes and leans forward to kiss Shauna. Shauna is taken aback but eventually kisses her back before they pull away and hug each other again.
“I love you too”