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Buck sits on the edge of the broken, rotting pier. Calm waves lap beneath his feet, crashing gently against the rocks and the wooden pillars that still stand. The ones which weren’t washed away during the tsunami. Buck swings his legs subconsciously as he looks out toward the sea, eyes devoid of any feeling beside regret and a bone-deep ache he doesn’t quite understand yet.
He’s aware he messed up.
Every action since that dinner was impulsive, a result of his poor impulse control and jumping too quickly to conclusions as if they were going out of style. If he’d only been patient, waited until he was cleared officially for duty or spent more time and effort working on his leg, maybe everything wouldn’t have become so messy.
He knows, in some sense, he was valid to be a little mad at Bobby. The man had gone behind his back and told the higher-ups directly that he wasn’t ready. It hurt, still hurts, and even without the counselling he knows he should have signed up for, he knows he should be handling it better rather than moping over how Eddie won’t look his way, or how Chimney and Hen halt their conversations when they see him, even if they’re mid-laugh.
Okay, maybe moping isn’t the right word. He just needs to find better coping mechanisms, is all.
So, after many days spent benched at the station and wiping the same floors down until his arms physically gave out, he decided going back to his empty apartment wasn’t the best idea.
No, he needed something more.
For starters, he couldn’t go to Eddie’s. He’d already made it clear how he felt about Buck’s decision, and he knew for a fact Eddie wouldn’t let him see Christopher. Hen has Karen and Denny to worry about, and Buck would feel too bad showing up out of the blue and crashing on their couch. Chimney and Maddie, well, Buck didn’t want to involve his sister. Although it had hurt when even she didn’t message during the entire lawsuit period, he didn’t want to break what little bonds they had left.
Then, he saw the pier. Blocked off and covered in hundreds of “TRESPASSING” and “DO NOT ENTER” signs, the pier was quiet and void of people. Sure, it was incredibly unstable and definitely illegal to even step foot on, but at this point, Buck would rather spend a night in a precinct with people actually speaking to him rather than return to the haunting silence of his loft.
Now he sits on the edge of the pier, staring at the water as it runs smoothly over the seabed.
Until footsteps pounded on the rotting wood like drumbeats in a silent cathedral, and Buck immediately knew he’d been caught. He should have expected a bystander to call the police and report his so-obvious trespassing crime.
“What’s on your mind tonight, Buckaroo?” Buck startles because he knows that voice. It isn’t a random officer like he’d originally guessed, no, he knows his voice and it makes everything so much worse. “You know you shouldn’t be out here. It’s blocked off for a reason, you know?”
He sighs, refusing to face her and instead continuing to swing his legs dangerously and stare at the strangely calm water. If only it had been this calm that day. “I’ve never been a rule follower, ‘thena.”
“Mhm,” Athena hums, stepping closer. “What’s on your mind?”
“I’ve messed up.” Buck begins, clearing his throat. “And, I keep trying to fix it, you know? I try to engage in the conversations and help Bobby by getting our groceries and cleaning over and over again but I can’t fix it. Eddie’s mad at me, Bobby’s mad, Chimney and Hen aren’t talking to me. It feels like everything’s broken and it’s my fault.” Buck looks down at the deep waters, blinking useless tears away. There’s no use crying now. “Maybe I should leave the one-eighteen.”
Athena sighs, the kind of tired sigh he’d expect from Bobby when he’s done something dumb on a call. “Buck… is that all that’s on your mind?” She asks. “You’re at the pier.”
“What–” Buck splutters, “no, no, I wasn’t trying to—” He scoots a little away from the edge. “I wasn’t trying to do anything. The apartment was too quiet and I couldn’t go anywhere else so I came here. That’s all.”
She places a cautious, gentle hand on his shoulder. “Let’s talk somewhere away from the edge, alright?”
Buck nods, no longer trusting the words he desperately wants to say. He’s not sure he’d even be able to say anything with his aching throat.
With slow steps, or aching in Buck’s case (his leg still acted up on the occasional bad day, and honestly, he’s now regretting not wearing his supports), they make their way toward the shore, where debris is piled up in haunting, sea-washed towers. He can still feel the phantom pain of debris dragging its long nails against his skin.
“Buckaroo,” Athena begins, taking a proper look at Buck’s state. Whether it be the dark bags hanging beneath those void eyes, or the way he’s still favouring one leg, Buck can see the moment her worry switches up a notch. “Is anything else going on?”
He probably shouldn’t have, but he laughed. A bitter, yet guttural laugh, that comes from a place of exhaustion and the build-up of months spent battling the lawsuit and the after. “No, no, I am fine. Everything is fine.”
“Buck…” She trails off, placing a hand on his shoulder once more. “We can fix this. I’m sure. Come over tonight and we can have a proper conversation with Bobby.”
Buck flinches back, shaking his head vigorously. “Absolutely not. Bobby doesn’t like me, especially since I filed that stupid lawsuit, and going over would make everything worse.” Glancing back at the water briefly, he returns his gaze to Athena, resignation swirling in those usually enthusiastic blue irises. “You can’t fix me this time.”
Hurt flashes across her face, but she quickly hides it behind her professional persona. “Buckaroo…”
“No,” he dismisses, already making his way back toward the gate. “No, I’m not doing this. I’m sorry, Athena, really, but I can’t risk Bobby hating me more.” He says, rubbing the irrelevant tears away.
She grabs his shoulder. “Buck, promise me at least that you’ll tell me if anything gets worse.”
He halts. “‘thena,” He sighs, turning around. “I can try.”
Without warning, she pulls him into a warm, loose hug. For a moment, he’s lost for words, unsure what to do, before he returns the gesture, wrapping an awkward arm around her back. They stay like that for what feels like hours, yet it was only seconds before Athena let him go.
“That is all I can ask for.”