Archive of Our Own

1-19-25-1 23-1-11-5 21-16 16-12-5-1-19-5

Cold. The coldness of the floor. I feel my hands resting beside me, touching the freezing floor. I couldn't see anything, it was pitch black.

Strange.

I didn't think I would feel anything after it ended. After the wound finally healed, sending everything that didn't belong away. Funny. I still can think, feel, maybe even hear, although I doubt I can hear anything in…. whatever this place is.

Death was likely what this was. No afterlife where everyone would reunite with one another in happiness. Heaven, as a concept is endearing. It is explored so much in fiction. I mean, who wouldn't cling onto the idea there is something after? That you can see loved ones again. Hug them, embrace them, cry, laugh, smile, talk, and love them for the rest of eternity. Yet, I had my doubts. The world is a wonderful being, but even you have limits don't you?

When things die, they die. When things are supposed to disappear, they disappear. I was lucky to be able to spend those precious times with them, but all gifts eventually come to an end. Thank you, for those last days.

And on that last day, thank you for letting me see….

Letting me see?

T…. To…. Tos

What?

Hm…..

There was someone else with me right??? When I said my transmission, not to you, but to her. Her face, I can't remember much of what she looked like. She stood in front of me, the sunset behind her, with a bright grin on her face, her face red in embarrassment, understandable with what I told her. It was silly and selfish of me to at the last moment say the message I had planned for you to someone else.

I'm sorry. I don't deserve that moment if I ended up betraying you at the very end. I guess that explains my current circumstance. Being able to feel and think, while being dead.

This is a punishment for selfish people like me.

To wallow away in the darkness, feeling nothing but the cold in my palms and the ground. I still hope you understand my reasons, I didn't mean to upset you. It was just what I needed to say there, to her. To The Girl.

Wait.

Hold on a second.

The ground?

I can feel my back laying on a solid ground. That's really strange! Although feeling anything on the palm of my hand is something unexpected as well. The "ground" or whatever was under me was flat. Not just that it was flat ground, but there was nothing there. It was just a plain that my back laid onto. There weren't any slight bents or feelings of tiny pebbles on a rocky path. It was just flat, nothing was there, but I was somehow laying on it.

"_R_ C_l_m _o_n _ G_V_ H_R _O_M_ T_M_"

Huh?

That voice or echos of voices around me sounds familiar. It felt like it was coming from above me….. It almost sounds like someone I should know. But that's crazy talk. I'm the only one here. I was given the punishment for my consciousness to live out my existence in the depths of you. Maybe this voice was something from your world, a fragment of what's going on around me. Maybe I'm everywhere all at once, witnessing the world continuing on perfectly without my existence. Time must still be passing by. Maybe this is the first of many voices I'll hear!

Actually, that's….

Exciting!

I'll be able to see how you see us all!

Oh my gosh!

It's…. It's such an honor! I….

This isn't a punishment! No no no! Forgive me! Forgive me for misunderstanding your gift! I…. I wonder why you gave me such a wonderful privilege ! I….

Thank you so much!

I'll listen intently to the voices. To what you want me to hear. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. I… thank you for looking the other way for my selfishness. I never can ever truly understand how you feel.

"Asya please!"

That voice….

"_ _ _ I know it worked for you, but-"

"Shut up. I…. please…. wake up…."

Voices of two people I knew very well echo above me me. It still sounds muffled, like my ears were covered. But it was two people speaking, I could tell from how they spoke. Both of them sounded feminine, but their tone of voices sounded very different. The calmer one, still sounding anxious had a lighter tone to her voice. While the other one, who was yelling, sounded a bit rough. But beautiful in it's own way.

I don't want to hope.

Please stop this.

I do not want to hope that anything like this is possible. I was supposed to be alone here, an act of mercy of being able to listen to world continue on without me. Mar…. Maria?…. She told me what would happen to us all. I didn't want to think it was possible there was something after for us when this was all over. Because…. If my hopes were crushed.

I don't know if I could recover from that. I try to be strong for you, but even that is cruel.

But hearing these voices, I want to believe they are real. I want to believe I could see her again. I want it so badly.

I try moving my arm….. something I just realized I still had. I still have a body.

Don't believe it. Nothing is here for you.

Even if that's true, there was no possible way I could ignore it.

I hear gasps from voices above me.

"S-She's moving!"

"Okay, we'll…. uh…. handle it like uh.."

"How we did it for you!"

"What did you do?!"

"Don't you remember?"

"She read the poem out to you,"

"Then she grabbed your hand!"

"So that's what that was."

"…. Hm…."

"I'll try the hand idea."

I feel something cold touch my hand. The one I tried moving.

It was her. The warmth I felt was just how her palm felt before she disappeared and became one with you. She was here, right next to me.

I try to speak but my mouth couldn't move. I needed to tell her I could hear her, that I was listening. I tighten my grip around her hand, feeling it. I needed it to be real so badly, I gripped it as hard as I could. Wait! That might be too hard! I don't want to hurt her hand! Geez, I need to control myself better.

I lightly gripped her hand, and I was shocked to see her grip my hand even tighter. I hear the two people above me begin to speak loudly.

"O-Okay that worked! She reacted!"

"Good!"

"Then, we just need to help her wake up."

"She might be able to hear us now actually!"

"…. Should I dump a glass of water on her."

My throat tightened. That voice was unexpected, he was hear too? Wait that makes sense. Right, we all are supposed to not exist anymore, we would all be here. Did that include my mom too? Likely if this wasn't a maddening illusion.

He of all people helping me is surprising though. I wonder why. Is it because I gave him those pills that I didn't need?

Yes. That would have to be it. He would never do something like this for me out of the kindness of his heart.

"No?!"

"I don't even think we can get water here."

"Right. Then, I don't know, hit her awake?"

"_ _ _ _ _ are you trying to piss _ _ _ off?!"

"The pit bull is already pissed off with me daily, what's different now?"

" I'm sure there are simpler ways of handling something like this!

"For example _ _ _!"

"When you arrived here? How did you wake up?"

"…. I just forced myself too."

"See, see. So actually, everything is fine!"

"We just need to give her some time!"

"And you were all panicking like crazy."

"I-I was worried,

who knows what could happen,

I just want to hear her voice again."

She wants to hear me! This stupid body. Let me move! I need to talk. I need to yell! I need to scream with all my heart! She is right there.

Is this what she felt back then, when I shared my poem to her? How horrible, I need to comfort her about it immediately. Feeling the world around her go by, unable to say anything to her friends or family who were watching her rot away. What would have happened if Mar…. Marina didn't find her first. Would they left her alone in a hospital bed. That would have been terrible, alone to your thoughts, unable to shout out that you were there, and alive. Marina, she is so wonderful and kind. Sticking by her all that time.

"How romantic."

"And you're telling me you two weren't-"

I feel my face begin to blush at what he was about to say, before he was cut off. Assuming we all still had bodies wherever we were now, I imagine Ira glaring daggers at him for what he was about to say. Although hearing him pointing that out directly, made me feel a bit giddy inside.

"Wow, she's even blushing."

Apparently that was visible, well it's about to be more obvious since I can feel my face getting even more red.

"Can we stay focused!?"

"Hey she reacted when we brought up _ _ _!

"How about you try talking to her some more?

"Since you two are so close."

"….. Okay."

I feel my body getting lifted up. So I do have a physical body here! Good to know! I feel my head getting placed on something warm. A fabric of some kind. It was soft, and comfy to lay on. Almost like a pillow, except it was being moved around slightly, like it was nervous. Wait a second.

Oh no.

She put me on her lap. That's….

So cute.

Adorable actually.

But also knowing two other people were watching this scene unfold made me want to disappear!

"….. wow this is romantic…."

So she even agrees now. Geez!

This is so embarrassing! Ah! I want to hide my face behind one of my textbooks! This is too much!

Too much for my weak heart to bear!

"Enough…. So…. Asya….."

"Did you uh….. ever read those books I recommended?"

A simple question to start things off. I heard her voice above me, so I was for sure laying on her lap, while Marina and ….. Vadim. Yes that was his name! How did I ever forget?! And he of all people is watching such an intimate moment between her and Ira! It was so painful. So agonizing!

No Asya! Shush. Even if he was watching, and if I woke he definitely will make a joke about it. I need to be grateful. Silly me all these gifts, and I still find a reason to be upset. I hope you can forgive me again. I was was lucky enough to even be able to feel Ira's hand, let alone to hear her voice again. I have no right to complain.

Now onto the question itself. Unfortunately, I didn't end up reading those books. I did have them on the list! Up on the top of it as well! There was no excuse for my inability to read her recommendation. And when Ira went missing, reading the books never even came to mind. I hope you can forgive me Ira. If there is a way to still read books where we are now, it'll be the first thing I do. I promise!

"She's…. smiling?"

"That's something. Keep going!"

"Okay. I'm…. going to assume no, because of everything that was going on. So, I won't talk about it. It's historical and the romance stuff is pretty interesting. N-Not that I enjoy that type of story or anything, it's just well, anyone can appreciate a well written romance story. So there. On the book you recommended me. I didn't get a chance to read it yet, for obvious reasons. I didn't think I would ever even be able to consider opening up that book. I thought when you saw me outside in the snow, it would be the last time I would see you. There was so much I wished I could say and I missed it. I missed my chance to say goodbye to you properly. I abandoned you without even….."

Ira. You are too kind to someone like me. But you don't need to be sorry. In fact, what happened is something good. The world returned to normal as it should. It was always meant to happen. I knew it as well, that our friendship could never last forever, it just happened sooner then I thought. But, in a way we did get to say goodbye. When your lifeless body eyes' stared at me for that brief moment, reacting to my poem. That's all I needed. You acknowledging me now, is far more then I ever wanted.

A drop of liquid falls onto my face.

Ira…. please don't cry for me. I…. I'll start crying too. Please….

"Asya. I don't know what happened to us, or where we even are. But, I promise one thing for sure, I'll spend every moment I have left with you and Marina. I…. I love you both so much."

"Aw, Ira. Finally getting soft! I love you too!"

"Y-Yeah. So Asya, when you are ready, I want to talk to you again. To be friends with you properly, instead of ignoring you like I had been."

Friends with me.

Ira…. of course. I accept. This feeling in my chest. This burst of happiness! It's like a flower inside me is blooming after a bright sun shined all over it.

I need to wake up.

I need to meet her gaze.

So, I force my eyes open.

I look up and see Ira staring down at me with tears in her eyes.

Thank you, thank you so much. This act of mercy you have given me to see everyone again, I'll cherish it always.

Thank you….

I love you so much.

I feel my eyes begin to water as I meet Ira's gaze with a smile.