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“Yua’s the type of pretty that kinda pisses you off.”
“Have you seen Yua’s figure? I feel blessed that she wears tight clothing.”
“Yua could be a damn model. Tall, perfect hair and makeup, and generally super pretty.”
A small, muffled sigh cut through the silence of the dormitory bathrooms. Yua’s back rested against the side of the stall, her knees pulled into her chest as her body trembled slightly. Heavy bags clung to her eyes, her cheeks slightly wet from tears. She hadn’t been crying, though. Instead, she was focusing on the foul taste in her mouth. Stomach acid clung to her teeth, forwarding the decay that was already years too early. Her mind urged her to rinse her mouth out, but she knew if she got up now she’d just feel sick again. She always got dizzy after purging, anyways.
So, Yua stayed in her spot. A tiny shiver shot through her body, causing Yua to regret not wearing her hoodie on her way down to the dorm bathrooms. She was dressed in pajama pants, slippers, and one of the shirts she got from her dance company. The soft, fuzzy material of her pajama pants kept her warm, but that seldom provided comfort for her. Instead, her mind spun with disgust as she wondered what she must’ve looked like in that moment. The pajamas she was going to sleep in were touching the gross bathroom floors, but she knew she wouldn’t be bothered to change out of them when she went back to her room.
Yua’s pretty face was hollow, her eyes empty as she tried slowing her rapidly beating heart. Deep breaths usually worked, so she slowly inhaled and exhaled as her left hand wrapped around her right wrist. Yua’s fingers fit loosely around her tiny wrist, making her tighten her grip. She felt the beating of her heart, noting how it got back to its normal pace. Her trembling was stopping, but she couldn’t bring herself to get up. Her face fell into her knees, a tiny sniffle falling from her nose. A pungent smell emerged from the toilet she sat by, prompting Yua to adjust herself to kneeling position. From there, she got onto her two feet, peering over the toilet. Her reflection was muddled by the mix of regurgitated food floating in the toilet bowl, and the sight did nothing to help the growing nausea forming in her stomach. She looked away.
Yua flushed the toilet, turning her back to it as she exited the stall. Her face was puffy, cheeks swollen and stained with tears. Her right hand’s fingers were coated in saliva, which she quickly rinsed off. She didn’t look at herself in the mirror for much longer after that, not wanting to witness the pathetic sight she knew would be reflected back at her. She had already seen that sight at least once a week, ever since she was 11.
Yua didn’t always struggle with food, but the growing expectations of her dance company caused her so much stress. The girls around her hardly ate, and Yua—at her taller height—became the object of their envy. Food was a comfort for Yua, especially when it came to her mother’s cooking. Her parents urged her to finish her food, emphasizing the importance of not wasting anything on her plate. If it was taken, it had to be eaten. Sometimes the portions would be too big, though.
It started off as a way to alleviate the pain in her stomach from overeating. On nights where the portions were bigger than she could stomach, she wouldn’t be able to fall asleep until some of it was removed. The nausea and stomach cramping already made her sick enough, so vomiting came easily to her. She would purge her dinner, and go to sleep feeling less sick than before. At the time, Yua thought it was a good thing. Her parents were making her eat too much, and the girls around her were already eating way less than her. If Yua even tried to get less than three meals a day at the minimum, her parents would notice. Then, she’d get a lecture about how so many people in the world are unwillingly starving, and that she’s blessed to be lucky enough to get proper nutrition. So, Yua had to use more underhand methods to manage what she ate.
Quickly enough, Yua lost whatever self restraint she had on herself. Now that her mind knew there were other ways to get rid of food besides regular digestion, she felt as though she could eat whatever she wanted, and that she could eat as much as she desired. She felt powerful and in control, choosing exactly what stayed in her body and what didn’t. While Yua was always on the leaner side, suddenly she became bonier. In dance, such a figure was desired. The girls around her complimented her body, saying that her pronounced collarbones were pretty instead of creepy. Her parents didn’t have a similar reaction, though. Instead, they became concerned. Yua became sneakier with her habits, taking up some more unconventional ways of purging her food.
Yua kept her trips to the bathroom as secret as possible, not even telling her close friends in fear of being shamed for her self-destructive habit. She already got picked on by her peers due to her quiet, shy nature. If others found out about her deep self hatred and her bulimia, she could only imagine what kinds of comments she would receive. So, she told nobody. It was her burden to bear, and she did a good job at hiding it for the most part. Even now, Yua binged late at night, moving quickly to the downstairs bathroom after the fact to rid her body of the food she impulsively ate.
Yua cupped her hands under the running water, letting a good amount of water form before bringing them up to her mouth. She swished the water around, before spitting it out. After that, she felt like it was finally time to move on with her day. Yua left the bathroom, taking the long, shameful walk back to her room. Her heart sped up, her legs moving quicker as she tried to get there as quickly as possible. She didn’t want to explain why she was sneaking around at two in the morning, especially not to people who would definitely tell the others. Minori was terrible at keeping secrets, whereas Tsutsumi was just loud mouthed. Yet when Yua rounded the corner, she almost collided with a certain white-haired girl.
“Yua? The hell are you doing up at this time?”
Tsutsumi’s voice was small and more confused than anything, which was a stark contrast to her usual upbeat, loud cadence. When Yua met the other girl’s eyes, she had to look away immediately. She felt her palms becoming sweatier, and her lips began to tremble.
“I—uh. Um! I w-was just using the bathroom..? I didn’t, um, mean to s-startle you or anythinglikethat.” Yua’s face burned as she glanced at the stairs that Tsutsumi was blocking with her body.
“Well shit, I hafta go too. S’cuse me…” Tsutsumi’s face was also bright red as Yua met her eyes briefly once more after stepping to the side. Yua could only hope the smell wasn’t as strong as when she left it, otherwise Tsutsumi would surely have a lot to say tomorrow.
Yua hastily climbed the stairs after anxiously watching Tsutsumi walk down the hallway. Thankfully, her dorm was the one closest to the stairs, so she unlocked her door and shut herself in pretty quickly. Alone and safe once again, Yua wandered over to her bed. She was lucky she left the bathroom when she did, otherwise Tsutsumi would’ve witnessed something Yua would rather die than admit to.
As she laid in her bed, surrounded by the various trash left littered on her floor because of her binge, all Yua could do was listen to the sounds of indigestion emitting from her stomach. Her hands wrapped around her body, hugging herself as though it would magically stop the pain. Yua didn’t know how to comfort herself otherwise.
The shame Yua felt kept her awake for another hour, with the girl reduced to nothing but a shaking, curled up mess as she cried herself to sleep. Her sobs were muffled by her pillow, and when she felt tired enough, she flipped her pillow to the other side and shut her eyes. As her body shut down for the day, the last thing Yua thought before falling unconscious concerned what she was going to eat when she woke up.