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Lishu had grown up surrounded by fantasies of love. Every book and show involved some sort of endgame romance. Her old friends would talk constantly about their ideal partners. Even Ah-duo had made a point to tell Lishu what love really was, and how she should never let it control her.
But Lishu never understood the feeling. Ah-duo spoke of love as if it were a disease, perhaps not a bad one, but one that could dictate your life and ruin you. She wouldn’t paint it in a negative light, at least not on purpose. Lishu had listened intently, yet didn’t get it.
How could a feeling dominate you so much? Her friends got crushes, but she didn’t. Lishu had chalked it down to her peers simply not being her type. But, what was her type in the first place? Eventually she decided it didn’t matter.
Lishu did modelling for some time. When she reached high school, she took a break. She felt so much freer this way, without an agent controlling her diet to the last calorie, without having to leave school every few days for a photoshoot. It was unlikely she’d ever want to go back to being a model. But, without something like that, Lishu felt as if her value had plummeted.
She wasn’t worth anything anymore. There was nothing else she could do so well. At least, that was what she thought. Lishu discovered she had other passions. She also discovered that she quite loved being a normal student.
All her life, school had never been the priority. Lishu had always thought her career would simply be modelling forever, though it had never been something she was passionate about, or even liked. But she liked school. She liked her friends, until she had realized she was being bullied. She liked her new friends better.
Lishu found out she had the capability to pass her classes with flying colors. Every perfect score made her happier, and motivated her to study more. Studying wasn’t bad at all. Others would always complain about it, but to Lishu, there was a certain comfort. Yakou wouldn’t bother her while she was in her room making flashcards. Her father could find no fault in Lishu’s desire to do well in school. Ujun wasn’t really one to talk with Lishu anyway, so the only change was that Lishu saw him less.
Eventually Lishu reached the top of her class. Though she wasn’t the top of her grade, the title belonged to someone in a different homeroom, this amount of prestige made her so happy she’d even studied through the summer, hoping to replicate the feeling in the following year. If the people smarter than her ended up in the same class, how amazing would it be to surpass even them?
Lishu had earned certificates and a medal for her high grade. She put them on the highest shelf in her room for everyone to see when they walked in. Why hadn’t she discovered this thrill sooner?
In the next grade, Lishu was ecstatic to discover that the top students from other classes were now in the same class as her. She knew who they were, but most of them she hadn’t talked to. But there was one she knew very well, Jinshi.
Jinshi was someone Lishu had known since she was young. He was Ah-duo’s son. Lishu was the daughter of Ah-duo’s friend, and the role of a mother figure had fallen to her. She had let Lishu and Jinshi have play dates quite often. Now that they went to the same school, Lishu had noticed all the changes that had occurred since they were kids.
Simply put: Jinshi was the most beautiful person Lishu had ever seen, second to Ah-duo. But what she felt with Ah-duo was different than this. Whenever Lishu saw Jinshi, she couldn’t help but blush.
It was no help that Jinshi was terribly nice. He looked out for Lishu, in his own way. He was smart as well. Smarter than her. Lishu didn’t have it in her to be jealous, or even a little angry. Test marks wouldn’t change anything. Jinshi was just… so cool.
One day, Lishu was sitting behind Jinshi. She’d caught herself staring at the back of his head for far too long and with far too much focus. Whatever the teacher was saying went straight through one ear and out the other. I’ll go over the notes later.
It was this thought that made Lishu snap back to reality. Why had staring at Jinshi taken up so much of her mind? Could it be that…?
Was this what a crush was like? Someone you admired so much, you wished to watch them forever? Lishu had a feeling that it wasn’t, but how else could she describe this feeling?
But a crush was someone you wished to be with, right? You wished to date them, and hold hands, and maybe even kiss them. Lishu didn’t want any of that. Lishu didn’t want to date Jinshi. She really didn’t want to kiss him. Holding hands was a maybe, but the thought of doing something like that in a romantic sense with him made her tremble.
Everyone else had experienced a crush, but not her. So maybe this was how a crush was. Even if it wasn’t, Lishu felt a desire from deep within her to just pretend. Pretend she was in love. Just for the experience. And perhaps eventually her feelings would become real, and she would never feel left out of love talk again.
That was how it went for months. Lishu paid close attention to Jinshi and what he liked. She tried being extra nice to him. Eventually, she’d developed even more of an appreciation. She knew that Jinshi had been unfocused recently, due to issues with his grandfather. He was distracted from his studies, and it was because of this Lishu knew she could easily get higher marks than him on the upcoming exams.
She wanted to be the best. This was the best way to do it, wasn’t it? Simply leaving Jinshi to his own devices would guarantee her results. And yet, Lishu couldn’t bring herself to ignore him. She noticed the dark circles under his eyes. He wasn’t even there when the teachers announced that students were allowed to take index cards to the exams. When Jinshi would find out, he would have no time to prepare the index cards he needed.
Lishu had always been good at making index cards. She found herself making extra copies of her own, sneaking them into her pocket. She found herself watching Jinshi closely. She found herself walking over to him, and handing him her extras.
The shocked expression on his face was met by a smile on hers. The exams went well. There were mixed results, though. Jinshi had come out on top for some subjects, and Lishu others. That was fine. Lishu couldn’t feel any sadness about this. Jinshi deserved those spots, anyways. At the awards ceremony, Lishu and Jinshi walked side by side to receive their medals. They had the same pace, and the moment felt so fast. The way he turned to look at her would be engraved into her memory for years. Standing there on stage with him, Lishu had never felt happier.
It was after that moment that Jinshi had congratulated her himself. Lishu tripped over her words, eventually coming up with an embarrassing mix of a few variations of ‘thanks’. One he left, Lishu realized what it was she was truly feeling.
This wasn’t a crush. She loved Jinshi, but not like that. There was nowhere she’d rather be but back on that stage beside him, as equals, as friends. What Lishu wanted was to be Jinshi’s friend.
She couldn’t believe she had made such a big fuss over this, but then again, the feeling was just so strong. If they were friends, would he remember her birthday? If they were friends, would Jinshi’s friends accept her? If they were friends, would they hang out, eat together, or simply talk?
Jinshi was incredible. Lishu could only wish to be like him. He was smart, strong, beautiful, friendly, and so many other things. Lishu was good at school, but not like him. She wasn’t strong. She was pretty, she knew that, but she still had baby fat on her face, and going to school without makeup scared her. She wasn’t friendly. She was awkward, and the only reason she had Kanan was because of this other girl named Maomao.
Lishu’s friend-crush on Jinshi had been going on for over six months by the time the new year started. She had a new class, and was ecstatic to learn that Jinshi was still with her. They weren’t friends, but they had had a few major interactions since the award ceremony. Lishu was too shy to go up to him and ask. But she was content to watch from afar and imagine what could be. It was stupid to react like this over a want to be friends. Lishu knew that. Yet, this motivated her to do better. If she could become a better version of herself, Jinshi would perhaps walk up to her instead.
Maomao was in Lishu’s class this year. Lishu quickly learned that Maomao was unique. She would never let someone else dictate her actions, and stood up for herself whenever the time called for it. She didn’t care about minor things like Lishu did. Maomao was pretty cool. Really cool.
Lishu knew the feeling now. This was no crush. She wanted to become friends with Maomao, just like she had Jinshi. But Maomao didn’t steal Jinshi’s spot in Lishu’s mind. Instead, she shared it, just like Lishu had shared the stage with Jinshi so long ago.
Maomao was really pretty. Not to the same degree as Jinshi, but even with her glasses on, she had a certain elegance about her face. Maomao had freckles, but Kanan told Lishu they were fake. That just made Lishu admire Maomao more.
Maomao and Jinshi were both part of the student council, of which Jinshi was president. Lishu often saw the council having meetings in empty classrooms, discussing issues she didn't understand. She wanted to understand, though. She wanted to be part of the student council, but she didn’t have the words to ask. Besides, she’d just feel out of place.
Lishu ate lunch on the table beside Jinshi and Maomao’s, often hearing bits of their conversations. The table was always filled with laughter. They had a group of nine friends, and Lishu wished she could be the tenth. Now that Kanan had graduated, Lishu was stuck by herself most of the time.
A girl called Xiaolan befriended Lishu at some point. Xiaolan was also friends with Maomao, but Lishu could never find a good opportunity to start a conversation. It was fine, though. Xiaolan was great company, and Lishu even befriended Xiaolan's other friends. Her social life was actually going pretty well. Her group was small, but it was happy. Admiring Maomao and Jinshi was still something Lishu did often. Still, she was content this way.
One day, Lishu was having a perfectly ordinary day in class. When the time came for groupwork, Xiaolan was practically bouncing with excitement when she walked over to Lishu’s table.
‘’Lishu, Lishu, you’ll never guess what I saw!’’ exclaimed Xiaolan.
‘’What did you see?’’ asked Lishu.
Xiaolan leaned in close before whispering in Lishu’s ear. ‘’Maomao and Jinshi… were holding hands under the table!’’
Maomao and Jinshi were…
‘’It’s true! They’ve been dancing around each other for so long, I'm so happy they’ve finally started dating! It’s…….’’ Xiaolan kept talking for a while before she noticed. ‘’Lishu! Why are you banging your head into the wall?!’’
…
Lishu’s forehead was sore. She’d gotten over the worst of the confusion now. Her two crushes (though that definition was debateable) had gotten together? How was that even possible? Why did things like this happen to her?
In the next class, Lishu sat behind Maomao. She stared at the back of her head, trying to process what she’d learned just a half-hour ago. Maomao and Jinshi were different as night and day. How would they act around each other? Xiaolan had to have been lying!
Maomao suddenly turned around in her chair, staring directly into Lishu’s eyes. Lishu jumped in her seat as a sudden feeling in her chest appeared. Then, Maomao stuck her tongue out in a quick motion, keeping it there for a few seconds, then turning back.
Lishu sat there with widened eyes, her heart beating fast. That was the scariest thing she’d ever seen. Also, why had Maomao stuck her tongue out? Maomao had only talked to Lishu once, but that was hardly about Lishu. It was more so about the topic of Lishu’s old friends. So why would she…?
It only took a look behind her to realize what Moamao had actually done. Jinshi happened to be sitting diagonally across from Lishu, who happened to be directly in the middle of him and Maomao. So Maomao had been sticking her tongue out at him.
Jinshi and Maomao really were dating.
Days went by. Lishu realized that it had been obvious, looking back. Jinshi had always found excuses to talk to Maomao alone. Maomao hadn’t been cold towards him at all. Lishu was happy for them. But, it was a little sad that they’d found love before she did, when the entire reason she watched them so much was her quest to find love.
Love could be a fickle thing. Ah-duo’s words made more sense to Lishu now. She wasn’t a baby anymore. Lishu knew that perhaps in the future, she’d find the same happiness Jinshi and Maomao had.
…
Lishu met a boy called Basen. He was friends with Jinshi, and was the son of Ah-duo’s friend. It was a mystery why Lishu hadn’t met him before. Now that she had, she paid just as much attention to him as she had to Jinshi and Maomao. Everytime she looked at him, she felt a warm feeling in her chest.
This wasn’t the same as her admiration towards Maomao and Jinshi. Lishu noticed all the good things about Basen. He was so protective over Jinshi, to the point he was personally offended if someone insulted Jinshi. Basen truly was an incredible person. When Lishu found herself cornered by people who wouldn’t leave her alone, it was Basen who defended her.
When Basen helped Lishu up, Lishu felt the red in her cheeks getting hotter, and couldn’t fight off a smile. It was him that tried making conversation, and Lishu was more than happy to go along with it. Basen wasn’t as out of reach as Lishu had thought Jinshi and Maomao to be. Basen was perfectly human, imperfect as Lishu. He was the person Lishu found herself fantasizing about sometimes.
So this was love, Lishu thought. It wasn’t like movies or books. It wasn’t smooth sailing, something you knew truly and deeply from the moment you laid eyes on the one.
In academics, Lishu excelled. In matters of the heart, Lishu didn’t. But she wanted to learn. By now she was sure this could be called love. The feeling stayed there when they went out on their first date, and it stayed there when Basen proposed. On their wedding day, Maomao and Jinshi congratulated Lishu themselves, and Lishu’s greatest response was to thank them. She owned her understanding of love to them, after all.