Work Text:
Bzzzz.
Bzzzz.
Bzzzz.
Logan rolled over and groaned, rubbing the fog from his eyes and pulling on his glasses. He blinked a couple times before grabbing his phone from the wireless charger, checking whatever messages had woke him up
Remus - 2:12 AM
LO
LO
LOLO
HOLY SHIT
LOOOOOO
Logan - 2:15 AM
Remus it is approximately 2 AM in my timezone.
Why are you awake?
Remus - 2:16 AM
cause im bored
AND
AND
THERE’S A NEW POPUP STAND NEAR CAMPUS
FOR UNDERTALE
SHOULD I GET IN LINE FOR IT
IM GONNA GET IN LINE FOR IT
Logan put his phone down and sighed, running a hand down his face dramatically. He might metaphorically be in love with the biggest idiot on the campus.
In the world, Logan corrected himself, sitting up slowly. He’s not on campus, remember?
He stretched his arms over his head, listening to the familiar “snap pop” of joints. His rainbow colored bracelet shifted down his arm and he brushed it gently, returning it to its usual spot on his wrist. Finally, he stood. There wasn’t anything to do at this hour, but once he was awake, he could never go back to sleep.
He pulled his boyfriend’s green hoodie over his head and walked to the kitchen, listening to the “click click click” of the knob, before hearing the “woosh” of the catching flame. He poured a cup of cold water into a metal saucepan, placing it on the stove.
He knew the idiom was technically “a watched pot never boils”, but there was no scientific data to back up this conclusion, so he was willing to take his chances at summoning nonexistent magical water that couldn’t reach a scientific boiling point by watching said water.
He fidgeted with the ramen packet in his hand, every so often glancing back towards his room for some reason, and his thoughts started to trail back to his boyfriend. His thoughts tended to figuratively be very good at that.
Logan and Remus had been dating since high school. Well, since middle school for Remus, high school for Logan. Not in a weird way like Remus enjoyed teasing him about. He was in 9th grade, and Re was in 8th grade. It wasn’t an obscene age gap considering the fully adult men he’d seen groping freshmen girls in high school.
Remus was loud and impulsive and smarter than anyone ever gave him credit for. And looks weren’t everything but good gods did his boyfriend have them.
He was the prettiest boy he’d ever met in his life. His wavy cut and dyed hair, that made him look like a prince, he loved to run his fingers through. The spots of scars and freckles he could connect into constellations. His body, because even if he didn’t want Remus like that, he did want for his body in a way he couldn’t describe. And all the little things he wasn’t sure how to describe.
The chipped black nail polish and flecks of paint that always seemed to line his hands.
The way he explained every little intricacy and machine like it was the most fascinating topic he’d ever heard.
A flappy little dance he did, rocking side to side every time a song he loved came on.
The ‘click clack’ of the beaded bracelets that always lined his wrists when they swung their hands together.
The way his heart always seemed to beat a little faster, and his breath caught in his throat, when he leaned on his shoulder, or touched his hand, or called him pretty.
Every minute he was around him, he felt something in his chest figuratively melt a little bit more. It took him months to realize this was what romantic love felt like. This was his first time falling in love.
The stupid cheesy love songs on the radio had a meaning other than the dictionary definitions behind it. Stupid decisions from main characters in books and movies made out of love finally made sense in his mind.
It made everything make about 700% less sense as well.
His best friend had been dating the same person for a year, so he thought it would be a good idea to ask him what to do.
Said “good idea” resulted in his best friend making a group chat with the two and nearly giving him a panic attack by exposing him to Remus
But in the end, it worked. By some goddamn miracle, this amazing, smart, gorgeous boy that he’d convinced himself he could never have, wanted him- no, didn’t just want him, but loved him. And he loved him back.
It was the first time Logan had ever been in a relationship he wanted to be in, and Remus was his everything, even if his stoic demeanor would rarely admit him to say something outside of the few times they found themselves alone. Remus always teased him about knowing so many big words, yet it always felt like none of them were ever big enough to describe the love he had for his boyfriend. Even if they lived an hour apart, they still saw each other nearly monthly. It was one of the first times Logan had ever been happy with himself. Content, even.
Until college started.
Applying to schools had been fun for Logan. He loved applications. And paperwork. And labels. It brought him great joy. To most people who knew Remus, they’d think he’d hate sitting still and focusing for that long, but Logan knew better. One of Remus’ favorite activities was reading cereal box labels for fun.
So, they’d both applied to the same colleges.
Same scholarships.
Same optimism.
Same dream.
Remus got accepted into some fancy arts college with a theatre scholarship in California, and so did his twin, Roman. It was his dream school, and put him on an internship to work with one of the best theatre producers in California. It was everything he’d ever wanted.
Logan, evidently, was not accepted.
He was still stuck in their Florida hometown at the nearby community college. He was smart enough to get into many of the Ivy league schools he’d dreamed of as a teenager. Even accepted into a few of them. But him and his mother couldn’t afford a single one, and his scholarship only covered public in-state schools. So now he stood alone on a Friday night, making ramen in his kitchen, wondering what the love of his life was doing right now.
He could still remember the day he left.
He remembered hugging tighter than he ever had in his life, as if he could ground his boyfriend into staying.
He remembered the cadence of Remus’ shaky voice, promising he’d text every night and call every Friday.
He remembered the hoodies they’d traded. Remus’ green zipup for Logan’s blue flannel.
He remembered watching Remus walk away, secretly praying for some perfect twist to reveal itself so they could still be together, like in all the movies.
Of course, it didn’t.
He was back in his apartment now. The present day. Dark. Alone. Scared. Angry.
He didn’t notice the tears until he felt himself involuntarily wiping his face.
For all Remus’ teasing about Logan being a nerd, and all Logan’s efforts at masking, Logan was very sensitive. It was easy to make him laugh. To excite him. To anger him. To make him cry.
For him to miss someone.
He wrapped the green hoodie around himself tighter, trying to regain some of the long washed away scent of his boyfriend. Something like lemon and pine and washed away dirt after a storm.
He heard the sound of boiling water and checked the timer.
2:38 AM
Had it really only been 3 minutes?
He glanced at the noodle packet in his hand and sighed, throwing it back in the pantry and tossing the boiling water, turning off the stove.
He’d lost his appetite anyways.
He walked back to his room, curling up on his bed, and grabbed his phone. He opened his camera roll and scrolled back to the beginning. He was greeted with a cheesy mall photo of Remus. Some random styrofoam cup perched on his head. The first picture they ever took from the first date they ever went on. Nearly 5 years ago now.
Has it really been so long since that day? It felt like yesterday. Or maybe a millenia. He wasn’t sure.
More photos.
Them cosplaying their favorite book couple on Halloween for the first time.
Taking their whole friend group to a waffle house because one person said they’d never had it before.
Remus taking him to show Logan his favorite coffee shop and play animal crossing.
Logan taking Remus to NASA for his birthday just to see his face light up and explain how everything worked for hours.
Going to Universal for his birthday and holding Remus tight all day, because he’d seen an old person from his past who could’ve- would’ve taken it all away if he’d seen him.
Videos of them laughing over… something. Something stupid, if he had to guess. Something lovely and stupid.
He hated this distance. He hated this distance between them so much it hurt. He hated hearing his friends complain about how long they had to wait to see their partners when they lived minutes from each other and went to the same school.
His therapist told him “distance will make you stronger.”
He didn’t want to be stronger. He wanted to be weak with his boyfriend asleep in his arms. He would give anything for it. To be with him for a moment.
He had it thought out so clearly.
The two of them lying in bed together, Remus curled into Logan’s chest and Logan holding him tight. Holding him so tight the universe could never make him leave again.
A dark room, but surrounded with pinpricks of light. Glow in the dark stars. Strung up fairy lights. Photos of their friends, and the family they chose.
Maybe a cat curled up, purring contentedly, at the foot of their bed.
The solid weight of a ring on his finger, if he was lucky enough.
But he had none of that.
All he had was his broken escape.
A shark plush and a green hoodie and some recordings of his voice.
The hurt in his chest cracked and shattered, piercing his lungs.
He curled in on himself and began to sob, the glass shards tearing at his throat. His breath felt thick and heavy. His mind raced in an irrational panic that he’d never see Re again. He knew, logically, this wasn’t real or rational emotion. It was a panic attack based on unreliable feelings.
And if Logan spent the rest of the night crying unspoken, tearful longing, that was only for him to know.