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This is a definite contender for the worst day of Morgan’s life.
In the background the thoughts are whizzing around her head as fast as ever - how will she tell the kids? How will she keep paying bills? How will she find another job after all this? Will things ever be that good again? Will she ever feel that happy again? But the only thing she can really feel in the moment, can really focus on, was the sadness weighing heavily on her chest. She has tried to keep herself busy, going about her evening like it was any other, refusing to let the tears fall that had been threatening to do so for hours. Tries to pretend that, if she doesn’t think about it, maybe it could all go away somehow. Maybe she won’t have to avoid facing up to losing one of the best things to ever happen to her.
She had thought of going to bed and wallowing, but the sooner she falls asleep, the sooner she’ll wake up and have to face a day without leaving for the station, without seeing the colleagues she saw every day and has grown to love, without obsessing over a case and feeling the satisfaction of all the pieces coming together. A day where she’d have no choice but to accept what she’d lost. She knew she loved the job, but she hadn’t realised just how much it meant to her until it was ripped away.
A self-pity banana split isn’t going to solve all her problems, but it certainly won’t hurt.
The house is so quiet. Too quiet. Any other day, Morgan would enjoy the time to herself, the rare chance to relax that came when she was home alone, but not tonight. Tonight, she needs the noise. Needs the laughter and the chaos. She would even be happy to hear the kids screaming and arguing. Just something, anything, to drown out her own mind. She needs a distraction, so that her thoughts won’t keep expanding to take up all the empty space, filling the room until they suffocate her. Inescapable.
She has never been good enough, has always been too much and not enough. She has always been more trouble than she’s worth, it’s probably a wonder they kept her around for as long as they did. Perhaps everyone was right about her. Her parents, her teachers, her previous bosses. She would always be too different. She’d always ruin things for herself. She’d never achieve the things she should. After finally finding something that made her happy, that made her feel like she had a purpose and was doing good in the world, she has blown it all up. Perhaps she never really had a chance.
A knock at the door pulls her from her thoughts. And from her banana split. It’s late, she isn’t sure why anybody would come knocking at this time, and she just wants to block out the world and try not to think about how miserable she is.
Her breath catches for a fraction of a second as the door opens to reveal Soto. Selena. Illuminated by the warm lights of the house, smiling up at Morgan. For just a moment, she forgets about the pain of her day. The surprise and the smile on Morgan’s face are both involuntary. Automatic reactions to what she sees in front of her.
And then she remembers why Soto might be here, remembers everything that happened earlier in the day, and all the hurt that she keeps trying to push down comes rushing back.
As she welcomes the other woman in and shuts the door behind her, she tries to keep the conversation light, tries not to show how much she’s hurting, or how badly she wants to ask what Soto is doing here.
She offers a banana split to her, not really expecting her to accept, thinking she’ll respond with “no, thanks, it won’t take long.” She tries to ignore the happiness she feels when she hears “yes, I do” from Soto, the warmth she feels in her heart with the confirmation that she won’t be leaving straight away. That Morgan gets a little more time with her, just the two of them sat together talking, or simply existing together in comfortable silence. It’s purely because she doesn’t want to be alone tonight, of course. No other reason…
She never has been able to hold in her curiosity for long, and so she asks, “so what is this, are you here to discuss my severance package?” She tries to say it like she’s half joking, but doesn’t do as well as she’d hoped at keeping the bitterness out of her voice. It stings so much to think about being fired. Even more so when she’s stood in front of the woman who is the reason she got to have the job in the first place. The woman who makes it even more wonderful. Oh… made it. Made it even more wonderful.
“You’re not getting a severance package.”
She appreciates Soto’s teasing tone, that she’s attempting to keep it light like Morgan is, but every word spoken about her being fired feels like a punch to her stomach. It’s been an awful day, and she doesn’t want to keep reliving the pain of-
“Because you’re not going anywhere”
Oh.
For someone with such a fast brain, Morgan is struggling to keep up now. She can’t quite believe the words, thinks she must have misheard or misunderstood. She doesn’t want to let herself believe it, because she can’t go through the feeling of losing it all over again if she’s wrong. But she can hear the smile in Soto’s voice, sees the little raise of her eyebrows as she turns towards her in shock.
“Solomon’s had a change of heart.”
Morgan still can’t truly believe it, but the words are beginning to sink in, and she tries to catch up with all the questions flying around her head while her heart feels like it could explode. Somewhere in there is the thought that, if she’s not careful, she might fly across the counter and wrap her arms around Soto. She keeps that one down, lets it fall into the box where she keeps all the other thoughts that she pretends she doesn’t have about her no-longer-former boss. It’s a good thing she has something else to focus on right now.
“Really?! Why?”
She sees the other woman shrug, hears her say “it just worked out that way” like it’s the most casual thing in the world, and she feels a seed of doubt planted in the middle of her elation. She keeps her eyes on Soto’s face and knows that she’s hiding something, but isn’t quite sure what yet.
“No, things like this don’t just ‘work out that way’, what do you mean?”
She hopes that there’s some easy explanation, that Soto isn’t keeping something big from her, but as the other woman breaks their eye contact and looks away, she feels her stomach drop. But she doesn’t want to believe that there’s something really wrong, so she keeps pushing, with some false hope that this will turn out to be nothing.
“What’s going on? I’m confused.”
The eye contact returns, and she doesn’t want to look away, doesn’t even want to blink. She feels her heart beat a little faster. Because of the news she’s just gotten, of course. Nothing else. But as Soto deflects her question yet again, she feels the dread inside her growing. Morgan doesn’t even have the space in her brain to enjoy hearing her name in the other woman’s mouth, or the intensity with which she’s looking at her.
“Morgan, take the win. Let it go.”
Morgan never has been good at doing as she’s told. They both know this.
“Did you do something?”
Please say no. Please say no.
But Soto looks away again, and she knows the answer. Probably knew the answer all along, as much as she didn’t want to accept it. The dread fills every inch of her body as she sees the look on her face, knows that this is something bad. Something Soto really shouldn’t have done. She has some idea, knows what kinds of extremely ill-advised things might keep in line a man who has the power to ruin both of their careers, but she needs to know exactly what has happened. So she has to ask.
“What did you do?”
She looks down at the other woman, tries to figure out what she’s about to hear next, and how she’s going to deal with it.
And then a hand reaches out to cover her own. She feels the warm skin like it’s burning her. Her brain has never been so quiet. And it’s never been so loud.
She hadn’t considered this in her mental list of possible responses. If she had, she likely would have told herself to get a grip and stop fantasizing.
She wants to turn her hand over, to interlink her fingers with Soto’s and to hold her tight. But she stays frozen, waits to hear what the other woman has to say. Tries not to think about everything that floods her mind when she looks at their hands together, the desire that starts wrestling for space with the dread in her chest, enveloping her racing heart.
“Nothing that you wouldn’t do for me.”
Morgan isn’t usually lost for words, but with Soto’s eyes burning into hers, the sincere smile on her face, the gentle hand that’s still on top of her own, she can do nothing but stare.
Selena Soto. The woman who has changed her life. The woman who promised to keep helping Morgan investigate Roman’s disappearance, even when it got dangerous, even when Morgan couldn’t hold up her end of the deal. The woman she sees every day, tries to pretend that her heart isn’t racing when she gets close, tries to ignore the growing warmth inside her every time they speak. The woman who would put herself in danger, and break the rules she so often preaches following, just to help Morgan. To protect her. And to keep her around. The woman who would try to keep all of this secret, despite knowing she had very little chance of Morgan not realising something was up, just to try to save her the worry, the dread, the guilt.
She tries not to think about just how much somebody would need to care in order to do all of this for her. Tells herself Soto would do it for any member of her team. Would risk her career. Would turn up at their house at night to tell them instead of just picking up the phone. Would hold their hand and look into their eyes like she is now.
And then the hand is gone, and she misses it immediately. She breathes a little more normally now that she’s not focusing on the touch, but she wishes it hadn’t been so fleeting. She knows her memory will have stored every tiny detail of this moment, though. Knows she’ll relive it over and over in her head when she’s alone, when it’s late, when she can’t escape her thoughts. Morgan isn’t sure if this is a blessing or a curse. Perhaps both.
She’s trying to think of what to say next, trying to sort through the tangled feelings and thoughts that she can’t keep up with, when Soto picks up her spoon and brings it to her mouth. Morgan’s eyes can’t help but follow its path.
Soto grins like the conversation had never happened, like this is an ordinary night after an ordinary day. Like they often stand together, alone in Morgan’s house at night, eating banana split.
“It’s good.”
Morgan can’t help returning the smile.
She’ll figure out what Soto had done eventually, likely sooner rather than later. Soto must know this too, she’s seen Morgan’s brain in action plenty of times. But as she stands in the kitchen staring at the other woman’s smile, for once, she does as she’s asked. Just for this moment - she lets it go. Because she knows it’s true. Whatever Soto has done, however bad it is or however much trouble it might get her into, Morgan would never hesitate to do the same for her.