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Peter is so happy to stay at the Tower that he annoyed May and all of his friends (the total count of two) because he wouldn’t stop talking about it. And when the day finally arrived Peter was almost too nervous to even take a step into the tower, even if he’s been there plenty of times before. Just never to have a sleepover with Mr Stark (or to stay over night because May was working in another country or whatever excuses adults use to have fun).
But everything went more than perfect. At first, the two of them worked on their suits in the lab and after Pepper had dragged them out to eat something they had a Star Wars movie marathon. It’s too good to be true.
Peter yawns when he says good night to Mr Stark before entering the guest room. The walls are grey but near the window are two Star Wars posters (Peter nearly freaked out when he saw them) and the bedsheets are red, blanket and pillow blue, which makes Peter wonder wether it was Mr Stark’s or Pepper’s idea. But he is too tired to think about it so he just drops himself into the sheets and falls asleep within minutes.
Peter gets picked up, dragged high into the night, higher and higher, until he feels like they must collide with a star if they go any higher. Then he gets dropped and he falls and falls and falls. Suddenly there’s water around him, above him, under him, beside him. Inside him. Darkness. Panic. The crushing weight of beton pressing on his chest as he’s buried under what once was a building. Darkness. Panic. The weight presses all air out of his lungs. He needs to breathe but he can’t. He wants to scream and-
Peter screams. Then he gasps, air filling his lungs, tears filling his eyes. It’s dark around him. Shitshitshitshitshit-
The door gets opened, footsteps come near his bed.
”Kiddo, hey, kiddo, look at me!”
Someone puts a hand on his shoulder and the weight grounds him. He isn’t buried under a building and he isn’t drowning. And he isn’t alone.
“You had a bad dream, Pete?”
Peter cries harder now, trying to wipe the tears away before Mr Stark can see them. He fails.
“Shhh, it’s alright, kid, it’s fine.”
But it isn’t fine. Peter wants, needs, more than just a hand on his shoulder, he needs comfort, he needs a hug. He cringes at his own thought. It’d be so awkward if he’d ask his mentor for a hug. He’d only make a fool out of himself, even more than he already did by now.
“C’mere” Suddenly there are arms around him, Mr Stark pulling him in, “Have a hug, kiddo.”
Peter stiffens for a moment, before melting into the hug.
This is really nice he thinks.
“Wanna tell me what happened?” Mr Stark asks.
Peter feels how his body stops shaking, his eyes stop making tears now.
“I … it was just a bad dream, I’m sorry that I woke you up, Mr Stark!”
“Don’t be, nightmares can be a real pain in the ass, believe me!” Mr Stark is still holding him and Peter smiles tiredly.
“Thank you!” He whispers.
They stay like that for another few minutes before Mr Stark pulls away.
“Wanna get some ice cream and then you tell me what the dream was about?” He asks.
Peter nods.
-
Peter and Tony never talked about what happened that night, not about the nightmare, not about the hug. Things went back to normal and Peter thinks it’s better that way.
But then a certain day is getting closer and Peter wishes he’d have said something so he’d know if they’re there yet. If he could risk to ask Mr Stark for a hug.
It’s still pathetic he thinks. He’s a superhero, he survives far more dangerous things every day, why couldn’t he get through one day?
Unfortunately it’s a lab day and Peter tries his best to convince everyone he’s fine so he doesn’t cancel his work day with Mr Stark.
The tower is quiet and it’s one of the things Peter appreciates the most about it. The silence never fails to calm his thoughts at least a bit. But today it isn’t working much.
Peter’s hands are trembling when he comes in so he shoves them into his pockets.
Get yourself together, Parker! he screams at himself in thoughts. But his body doesn’t listen.
“Hey Mr Stark!” Peter says as cheerfully as he can when he enters the lab.
Mr Stark only looks at him briefly, before returning to his work. “Hey kid!”
He doesn’t say anything else so Peter guesses they’ll be working in silence today.
He gets his suit and connects it to the PC, revealing a large number of code.
He tries to focus but without any noice his thoughts get way too loud way too quickly. The numbers in front of his eyes blur, turn into the first screen he’s ever seen at the age of six. It was shortly before his seventh birthday and his parents promised him the best present ever. He never found out what this present was because his parents died and his seventh birthday got lost in the stress of moving in with aunt May and uncle Ben.
Peter tries to keep the tears at bay but it doesn’t work the way he wants to.
Tony made it a habit to look over to the kid every now and then when they were working in silence. At first the kid was only staring at the screen, probably lost in thoughts, so Tony let him. But now the kid’s obviously fighting tears and Tony has no idea what happened or what he can do about it.
“Kiddo?” He asks but Peter shakes his head without looking up.
“FRIDAY, what’s up?” There has to be something he can do, the least is understanding why the kid is upset.
“Today is for Peter as December 16th for you, boss!” Informs his AI him.
Tony freezes. Peter looks at him now, tears starting to fall.
“Holy shit, kid, I’m sorry!”
Peter can’t move, he can’t even be upset he couldn’t be strong, all he wants is to get hugged, be held by someone who understands. But it would be embarrassing to ask, wouldn’t it?
Peter doesn’t care.. He feels the tears, he can’t be strong for any longer.
“Can I- Can I have a-“ But Mr Stark’s already pulling him in.
”Have a hug? Sure, kiddo!” Tony strokes his hair in an attempt to calm him down. “I’m so so sorry, Pete!”
Peter buries his face in his mentor’s chest, not caring about him wetting the fabric that is most likely more expensive than Peter’s whole life.
Right now, this just feels right.
This is nice he thinks.
Peter remembers how his father used to hold him like that, how his mother used to kiss his cheek before saying goodnight. He was only six, he doesn’t remember much. He doesn’t remember his mom’s smile or his father’s voice. It’s something he’ll never get back and he hates hates hates it.
“I just wanna have them back!” Peter sobs. Mr Stark hugs him tighter.
“I know, kiddo, trust me, I know” He whispers into the boy’s hair, “But it is what it is.”
Peter hates what it is.
“But I don’t want it to be what it is!” He cries, “I want to make more memories with them! I wasn’t ready for them to leave!”
“I’m so sorry, Peter!”
“You don’t have to be. You lost your parents too! And you’re never that weak!”
“You are not weak, kid! And do you have any idea how much I cried when my mum died? It isn’t weakness to feel things, even as a superhero! No you know what, especially as a superhero!”
Peter pulls back. “Let’s get back to work,”he sniffs. Mr Stark smiles at him sadly.
They keep working, but this time, Mr Stark stays close to Peter and squeezes his shoulder every now and then. Peter is a bit glad he came here. Not that Mr Stark saw him crying, though. But the hug was nice.
-
It becomes a thing to never talk about things that happened, but maybe it just isn’t necessary, so Peter doesn’t wish for a talk the next time he visits Stark Tower. He wishes for nothing but rest at the moment. Today is a bad day. Starting with the history test, ending with him messing up his patrol, everything in between had gone wrong.
When Peter enters the tower he doesn’t bother to greet Mr Stark. FRIDAY had already informed him, Peter knew the AI did whenever he comes in. The teenager collapses onto the sofa in the living room, burying his face in his hands.
“FRIDAY is there any lemonade in the fridge?” He asks.
“Don’t even bother to say hello or your mentor?” Immediately, Peter sits straight.
“Uh, hi, Mr Stark!” He hurries to say.
“Rough day?”
Don’t remind me!
“Yeah, had better” he tries to play it cool. Damnit, he’s talking to Tony Stark, the man has way bigger problems than a moody teenager who had a bad day.
“To answer your question: There is lemonade in the fridge. Still can’t understand how you can prefer that to coffee, but hey, teenagers, right?”
Mr Stark smirks. He always does. The man’s so full of himself one might think he’d burst someday. But right now, Peter’s glad to have something familiar around him.
“I don’t know” he mumbles, falling back onto the couch.
“So, uh, let me get this straight: you don’t plan on joining me in the lab today?” Mr Stark asks, already on his way into the kitchen.
If he isn’t useful Mr Stark would send him home, wouldn’t he?
And right now he doesn’t want to be alone and May isn’t home yet.
“I do! Just gimme a sec!” Peter says, hating himself for wishing he wouldn’t have to say yes.
“Fabulous!” Mr Stark says, returning with a bottle in hand. “But first get yourself a drink, you look exhausted!” He hands Peter the lemonade.
Peter forces himself to stand up and follow his mentor into the lab.
They start working, or Mr Stark starts working and Peter stares at his suit. He just wants a pause.
The soft kling from the Mr Stark’s tools mixes with the low rock music in the background, Peter hears his breathing too loud and feels Mr Stark’s irregular heartbeat too strong.
It’s just too much!
The kid hurries his face in his hands, trying to shut down the negative thoughts and every sound he hears but he fails and he feels even more miserable now.
“Kid?”
Peter lifts his head and looks at Mr Stark.
“Wanna tell me about your day?”
He shakes his head.
“I just-“ He pauses, overthinks his words, “-I just don’t want to talk about it.” But what Peter really tries to say is I just want a hug from you.
“Okay, kiddo. Just tell me when something changes.” Mr Stark returns back to his work.
Damn it why couldn’t he just say it?! Asking for a hug shouldn’t feel this difficult so why is it?
“Mr Stark?” He eventually says. His mentor pauses his work again, looking at Peter but the boy stares to the ground as if trying to burn holes into it.
“Could I- I mean only if you’re comfortable with it, I know you said we’re not there yet- but, uhm, could I maybe-“ Peter closes his eyes to not see Mr Stark’s reaction “Could I get a hug?”
God, is this awkward!
Peter still doesn’t look up but he hears Mr Starks coming over. What did he do? Did he just ruin everything?
“Sure, c’mere kid!” Mr Stark pulls him into a tight embrace, squeezing Peter’s body against his. The teenager’s shocked but soon he leans into the touch, finally letting go of the stress of today. Whoever said hugs would help with stress wasn’t lying.
Peter leans his head against Mr Starks’s shoulder. That’s probably really embarrassing and if Mr Starks would kick him out afterwards he’d understand.
This is nice he thinks.
-
A lot of things had happened since that day in the lab.
Tony did of course not kick the kid out and Peter kept visiting for lab days and after patrol sometimes. And he kept going to school where he eventually met Iron Man per coincidence while being on the train to school.
Now, a lot of things had happened since then too, only in a way shorter time. And now, Peter’s on a different planet with some strange people and the air is orange.
The air is orange and it looks poisonous and Peter feels sick.
His body moves, something in his body moves and it makes Peter feel sick to his stomach.
“Mr Stark?” He calls and his mentor turns around, a look of horror on his face.
“I don’t feel so good.” Peter stares at his hands. Are they moving? They’re all blurry now, and he feels how something in his fingers ins’t right at all.
“You’re alright!” But Peter doesn’t feel alright.
Panic makes its way to his chest, clinging on him like a cold hand, pressing the air out of his lungs and the thoughts out of his head.
“I I-“ I want a hug “I don’t know what’s happening!”
And then he just stumbles to Mr Stark, clings onto his mentor, because suddenly Peter knows exactly what is happening.
“I don’t wanna go” he cries “I don’t wanna go!” He feels his body falling apart, feels every cell leaving the construct of his body, and then he sees them and he could throw up.
Peter feels everything, feels himself getting dusted, feels Mr Stark’s arms on his back but they can’t hold him together, not this time.
“Sir, please!” He begs but he knows there’s nothing Mr Stark can do. “I don’t wanna go. I don’t wanna go!”
The grip on his back gets tighter but it can’t help, it can’t save him.
What’s left of his body - that’s a fucking horrible thought - gets laid onto the ground. Mr Stark’s hand holds Peter’s head.
For a moment, Peter is unable to see anything, this feeling is so unbearable, it’s disgusting, irritating, he can’t find words for it but it makes him panic even more, makes him wanna die but that’s what is happening.
He’s too young to die, he can’t die on a foreign planet, not without telling May he loves her, not before he could thank her for everything.
His body gets torn apart, molecules are leaving him and he feels every single one of them. He feels his lungs failing to pump air through his body because there’s barely anything left of it. He feels thet he stops breathing.
He looks at Mr Stark.
“I’m sorry!”
Then his breathing stops, his hearing stops and his sight darkens, there’s nothing around him anymore. Then he stops feeling.
Peter doesn’t see Tony’s desperate try to grab him, he doesn’t see the way his mentor looks at his hands that failed to save the kid.
Tony feels miserable. More than miserable, he feels weak and helpless and overwhelmed.
He lost the kid.
He lost the kid.
The kid he was supposed to keep safe. The kid he grew fond of.
He didn’t just lose the kid, he lost his kid.
Tony just sits there for a moment, bringing his hands to his mouth, as if he could press a kiss to the kid’s forehead but the kid isn’t there anymore.
The kid won’t come back anymore.
He won’t stumble into the tower after patrolling, leaving his backpack somewhere it didn’t belong.
He won’t stay another night at the tower, too scared to ask for help when he’s having a nightmare.
He won’t try to ask Tony for a hug when he misses his parents too much. He won’t ever try to ask for a hug again.
God, Tony will never be able to hug the kid again!
And his last words to the kid were “you’re alright.”
How could anyone possibly fail more than he did.
And he didn’t even get to hug the kid properly.
-
Peter’s mind is still not able to process whatever had happened but it isn’t necessary because right now he has to fight. Thanos is still there and somehow five years had passed and he’s standing at a battlefield after he felt his body falling apart what felt like only moments ago.
But now he’s here and he’s alive and he’s fighting.
Peter tries not to think about what this means. What it would mean if he gets out of this battle alive. And he means alive alive, not being-dusted-but-somehow-not-alive. He would get to hug May again and to hug Ned. And maybe he would be able to tell this cool girl from his class that he likes her. And he would go patrolling again and have lab days with Mr Stark and-
Mr Stark!
Peter sees Iron Man fighting near him. He needs to get back to Mr Stark!
In this moment, Mr Stark gets thrown onto the ground by some giant alien thing and Peter jumps into action. He catches the alien with some webs, throws it to the ground where it gets squeezed by Mr Ants giant shoes.
Peter jumps over to Mr Stark and helps the man up, starting to ramble about whatever had happened.
Tony just stares for a moment.
“You will not believe what’s been going on!”
Tony doesn’t even believe what’s going on right now.
This… this isn’t possible! There’s his kid, standing in front of him, talking mindlessly as if nothing ever happened.
The kid’s alive!
“-but Doctor Strange was there, right, and he was like ‘it’s been five years, come on, they need us’ and then he started to-“ Peter draws circles in the air and Tony could laugh in relief because it’s been five whole fucking years but the kid hadn’t changed one bit and he’s never been more glad!
He steps to the kid, interrupts his rambling with a quiet “come here”, followed by Peter’s confused “What are you doing?” before Tony holds the kid in his arms.
And when Peter wraps his arms around Tony, breathing out, Tony feels good for the first time in forever. He closes his eyes, tries to capture this moment. For the first time, the feeling of grief and guilt finally fully leaves him. And it won’t come back, because he got his kid back and the world is alright again.
“This is nice!” he says. Tony smiles. He could cry, he kinda wants to cry, but he’s Tony Stark and even though he wants to he can’t because it’s mid-battle and he still has to kick some giant purple ass and try not to die saving the world.
But just for now he can enjoy this little moment, this little kid in his arms.
God, there are no words for how much he’s missed the kid and his senseless rambling about StarWars and the lab days and the curious questions and the quiet evenings when they were having a movie night.
Tony felt miserable every single day for the past five years but now, finally, it’s over because he got a part of him back.
Peter melts into the hug. The battle carries on around them but he couldn’t care less. They’re probably there yet, aren’t they? And is he allowed to call Mr Stark Tony now? Not that he would try to, except-
A scream and another alien pulls them apart.
Peter is back into fight mode real quick but he feels different than before, he feels more energetic, more motivated. He finally has a future to fight for again and he definitely wants to hug Mr Stark after the battle again.
Peter grins because he can do that now.
-
It’s been a few weeks since the battle now but Peter hadn’t got any chance to talk alone to Mr Stark yet. Now he finally has.
“Hey kiddo” The man’s voice greets him.
“Hey Mr Stark” Peter tries to smile but it feels wrong on his face.
“I don’t really do feelings but I have to tell you what happened in the last five years so stop talking for a moment and listen.”
Peter does, ignoring the tight feeling in his chest. If his mentor wants him to listen then he can do that. He can listen to Mr Stark.
“First of all, I miss you. The last years have felt kinda empty without your ongoing chattering about StarWars and your annoying questions and without you putting my tools in places they don’t belong.” Mr Stark gives him a reproachful but loving look and Peter bites his lip. Did he really do that? And did Mr Stark really miss him? Is … is this real?
“So yeah, whatever went on in my life, and believe me it was a lot, it didn’t went on without you. I tried to think it was childish but I actually saved you a seat at my wedding.” Mr Stark chuckles.
Peter goes dead silent. Did he really mean that much to the man? His feelings weren’t one-sided the whole time?
“Truth is, I never planned to get attached to the crazy fourteen year-old I recruited. But … I’m glad I did.”
Peter stares into the air. Mr Stark pauses so Peter decides it’s his turn to talk.
“I always thought it would be awkward to ask you for a hug, because, you know, you were my mentor and I am just a random kid from Queens and you said we weren’t there yet, so I didn’t know when we were but... I don’t think it’s awkward now. So… could I get a hug, Mr Stark?”
But he doesn’t get an answer.
Peter can’t hold back the tears now.
His chest feels like it’s getting torn apart but way more painfully than when he got dusted. There’s no one to hear his sobs.
“Just one last time, one last hug, Mr Stark, please!” But what Peter really tries to say is Just come back, I want you back, Mr Stark.
But there is no hug and there is no Mr Stark, no shoulder to catch his tears. So he wipes them away himself before he unpauses the video. There are still a few seconds left.
Mr Stark’s face on the screen unfreezes, he looks now directly into the camera, directly at Peter. A small smile tugs on the man’s lips.
For a moment Peter imagines that Mr Stark hugs him, that his arms are around Peter’s back again just like they did during the battle and while he got dusted or after he had that really bad day, just like they did when Peter missed his parents because it’s been nine years since they died and like they did when he woke up screaming from a nightmare. He just wishes himself back into those moments, back into Mr Starks’s arms. These were by far the most precious moments of their time together.
The Tony from the screen captures Peter’s attention again. The kid takes a deep breath, the man opens his mouth, smiling.
“I usually don’t do this but… feel hugged, kiddo!”