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“You got this, baby!”
Megumi stared down at his bare stomach, fighting to take deep breaths as his anxiety threatened to spiral him into a panic attack. He played with a frayed string that had come loose on the bottom of his binder. His palms were sweaty and his heart was racing uncharacteristically as his gaze slid to the table. He felt dizzy and nauseous.
Fighting cursed spirits? No fucking problem. Getting piercings and tattoos? A piece of cake.
But medical needles? Now those sent him into a tailspin of nerves for some irrational reason. Logic evaded him completely when he was tasked with getting vaccines or blood draws. He could only sit through those with someone else present who could either distract him or comfort him into relaxing so subconsciously that he didn’t focus on what was happening. But when he was prescribed HRT in which he had to do it himself… there was no way to not focus on it.
Itadori smiled encouragingly at him. “It’ll be over so soon, okay? Just a click, count to ten, and boom! Done. Would you rather I press the pen down for you?”
Megumi wanted to say yes so badly, to let his kind, wonderful, infectious sunshine of a boyfriend save him yet again, but he had to do this himself. Itadori was always saving him in one way or another, mostly from his anxiety and depression, especially two years ago when he came barreling into Megumi’s life like a damn nuke, upending everything Megumi thought he knew about himself and completely shattering any walls Megumi had constructed around himself.
“Relax, baby. You’re getting yourself worked up. The autoinjector is designed for pain-free injections where you never once see the needle, yeah? You’ve watched multiple people talking about their experiences and almost every one of them said it was totally painless, that they didn’t even feel it. Right?”
Megumi nodded. “I know…” He trailed off, his voice sounding embarrassingly hoarse from fear. Come on, you’re stronger than this! Braver. Don’t chicken out like a coward… You want this!
Itadori frowned as if he could read Megumi’s mind and see all of his self-deprecation in the set of his jaw, the downturn of his gaze. “I know your brain is being cruel to you, but don’t do that to yourself. There’s no shame in being afraid, especially when it comes to poking yourself with something sharp. Your brain is programmed to shy away from anything it perceives as potentially painful. Once you do this, we can go out for lunch and come up with some sort of fun reward as a congratulations for getting through this. Okay?”
Megumi nodded again, swallowing hard.
“Talk to me, baby. What are you feeling right now?”
“Worry. Fear. Frustration. Anger.”
“Why are you frustrated and angry?”
“Anger at myself. I should be able to do this and I’m frustrated that I know I’ve been through worse and that it won’t hurt, but I can’t seem to make my hands work… I’m worried I’ll never be able to talk myself through this to the point where I can finally be on testosterone. I’m going to be so much happier and freer, feel more like myself, being on the correct hormones to further my physical transition. But I’m just… terrified of that damn needle. The possibility that it will hurt. I’m pathetic.”
Itadori gripped Megumi’s face in his warm hands and kissed his lips softly. “No you’re not, Megumi Fushiguro. You start being nicer to yourself or I’m going to… Well, I can’t think of a loving threat right now, but just know it’s coming.”
Megumi huffed a laugh. He so wanted to be the strong, courageous, stoic man all the time that Itadori thought he was. But the truth was, he had weaknesses too and that frightened him. And pissed him the hell off.
Itadori smiled at him and handed him an unopened alcohol swab. His thumb rubbed gentle, reassuring circles on Megumi’s thigh. “No rush, baby, take as much time as you need. But you can do this, I know you can!”
Megumi ripped open the alcohol swab packet and pulled out the sanitary wet wipe, his breathing slightly unsteady as he scrubbed it over his skin two inches away from his belly button, as per the instructions that he recited in his head to settle his nerves. He’d read the paper that came with his prescription so many times his eyes blurred. Do not inject within two inches near the belly button. Check the clear window to ensure the testosterone solution isn’t cloudy or contaminated with particles. Do not use if the orange seal has been tampered with. Do not touch the area after sanitizing; let the area air dry before injecting. Do not inject through any stretch marks, tattoos, bruises, abrasions, or anywhere the skin is red, scaly, hard, or tender.
“Keep breathing, baby. That’s it.”
Megumi hadn’t realized he’d been holding his breath until he felt lightheaded. Forcing an exhale, he picked up the autoinjector as Itadori began opening his cotton gauze pad and a cute glow-in-the-dark black space-themed bandaid he’d bought solely to make these injections slightly more fun.
“Good job so far, keep going,” Itadori murmured the praise with his hands now on either side of Megumi’s legs, the nearness of him and the slight pressure of his touch grounding Megumi so he didn’t escalate into another full-blown anxiety attack. “You’re doing well so far, just have to get through the next ten seconds, okay? I’ll count so you don’t have to think about anything except for the sound of my voice. Focus on me, not what your hands are doing. Look at me the whole time, okay?”
Megumi nodded and unscrewed the blue plastic cap to the injector pen, pinching the section of his abdomen he’d sanitized. Pressing the open side to his flesh, he nearly freaked again, but Itadori’s closeness kept him centered.
“Eyes on me, baby. Ready?”
“No…” Megumi felt a surge of overwhelming panic, but Itadori silenced it by trailing his fingertips lightly over Megumi’s hips. It wasn’t sexual, just a touch meant to pull him back from the edge.
“Three,” Itadori emphasized his words with a tap of his finger to Megumi’s waist.
Megumi’s heart squeezed, stuttering erratically as he fixed his eyes on Itadori’s.
“Two…” Another light tap to his waist.
Megumi swallowed hard.
“One,” Itadori whispered, holding Megumi’s gaze steady as he listened for that click.
Megumi inhaled sharply and pressed down the autoinjector. He felt the circular opening as the plastic pressed hard into his stomach, but not much else.
“One, two, three…” Itadori counted slowly, his gaze dropping to the injector when he reached ten. “The window is orange now, baby!”
Megumi blinked and pulled the injector away to toss it into his sharps disposal container, pressing the gauze to the injection site.
“You did it, baby!” Itadori beamed and grabbed his face, kissing him all over. “My man’s on his boy juice now!”
Megumi made a face. “Eugh, don’t call it that…” he grumbled, but couldn’t help the relieved smile that crept up the corners of his lips.
“I’m so proud of you,” Itadori grinned and took the gauze to throw away as Megumi stuck the bandaid over his stomach. “How was it?”
“Not bad.” Megumi tugged a shirt back on. “Can we eat now? I’m starving.”
Itadori threaded his fingers through Megumi’s. “Of course!”
“Um, Itadori?”
“Yeah?”
Megumi was struck breathless again as he usually was by Itadori’s bright smile and the radiating affection in his eyes. “Thanks,” he finally murmured. “For helping me.”
“Always, handsome.” Itadori tugged him towards the door with a grin. “Now let’s go celebrate, yeah?”
Megumi nodded and let his supportive, amazing, patient angel of a boyfriend take him out to honor this exciting achievement in Megumi’s journey.