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Jesse nearly jumped as he walked into the order hall, a dark figure he (thankfully) quickly identified as Lukas standing next to one of the many pillars lining the room. The moon shone brightly from the large window at the end of the hall, allowing Jesse to make out Lukas's blond hair in contrast to the rest of his darker clothing. The redstone heart he stood next to helped as well, helping to illuminate his face ever so slightly as he turned, staring with a bit of surprise at Jesse as Jesse stared awkwardly back.
“Sorry,” Lukas eventually said, confirming to Jesse that it was indeed his friend standing there.
Jesse thought for a moment, simply observing. “It’s alright.”
Lukas huffed slightly, Jesse squinting to observe Lukas’s reaction further before deciding to walk towards him. “Are you alright?” Lukas began, Jesse’s eyebrows coming together in concentration over the question.
“Why do you ask?” Jesse asked after a short pause.
Lukas huffed a second time, looking at him inquisitively. “You are up at…full moon,” Lukas said, indicating to the window to further emphasize the time of day. “And..you seem thoughtful, is all,” he said, looking back at the redstone heart he had been standing in front of, his eyes tracing the dark outlining of the block closely.
Jesse stayed silent a moment, processing this. He was about to speak, reassure Lukas that he was, in fact, fine, when he closed his mouth again, feeling an inability to decide. In a way he felt as if his time to speak had run out, the moment passing as Lukas turned to glance at him again.
“I guess that’s normal for you, huh? You always seem to take a while to think things over before responding,” Lukas observed. “At least…I remember you doing so a lot,” he said before squinting his eyes oddly.
“I guess I do,” Jesse said rather quickly, now hyper aware of this supposed tendency to stay silent for too long before responding. He rubbed the back of his neck, smiling awkwardly at Lukas who gave him a confused glance in return. He used the opportunity to look Lukas over again, all of his possible options on what exactly he could ask Lukas beginning to form in his head. He was overwhelmed by it for a moment, the need to ask Lukas if he was alright and the need to explain himself and why exactly he was here fighting each other in his mind.
Lukas’s confused glance turned into a smile after a moment, his eyes scanning him inquisitively. Jesse froze a bit, equally confused. “What?”
Lukas laughed out loud. “You don’t need to be awkward, okay? You aren’t interrupting me. You can ask me whatever it is you wanted, alright?” Lukas encouraged, Jesse pleased to see a smile returning to his face.
Jesse dropped his hand back to his side, all his previous questions forming back in his mind as he took a moment to finally decide on what he wanted to ask. “What are you doing up?” He said eventually, Lukas’s smile fading a bit, Jesse's following.
“You know I like to stay up writing. I’m just…going through old memories,” he said, motioning to the redstone heart.
Jesse turned, looking at the heart as well before glancing to the side, trying to peak just slightly into Lukas’s still open journal that he held absentmindedly in his hand. Lukas raised an eyebrow at him, not even bothering to close it as he stared at him with a small smile. Jesse coughed awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck again. “I…can I stay here and talk with you?” Jesse asked, desperate for company but unwilling to invade. Lukas had insisted he wasn’t doing so, however. He only hoped-
“Sure,” Lukas said, closing his journal and seeming to relax just slightly.
“What are you writing about?” Jesse asked, Lukas giving him an shrug in return.
“Well…I wasn’t actually writing anything, just going over old memories, as I mentioned,” Lukas said, side eyeing him again for a reaction before looking away, once again tense.
Jesse stared at him, leaning over slightly to examine his face. Lukas looked at him and sighed. “Why the sad eyes again?”
‘What?” Jesse asked once again, Lukas huffing in return.
“You are giving me that sad expression again,” Lukas motioned, raising his eyebrows.
Jesse frowned, taking a moment to think before speaking. “I’m worried about you. You know you can tell me anything, right?”
Lukas eyed him with his own momentary frown before giving him a sad smile. “Thanks, Jesse," he said. “I’ll remember that,” he commented, the words making him feel achieved, proud even, for managing to get that reaction out of his friend.
“So, what's wrong?’ Jesse asked, Lukas turning and motioning him forward, both of them walking to the staircase at the end of the hall, heading to the top before Lukas sat at the top stair with a huff, looking around at his now perfect view of the order hall.
Jesse sat next to him, their legs touching as he now, purposely, gave him another sad and possibly encouraging glance.
Lukas huffed as he spotted him, looking at him briefly before turning back to his journal and opening it, slowly scrolling through the pages. “You really want me to be honest?” Lukas asked, momentarily avoiding eye contact as he stopped briefly on one of the pages of his journal, using the moonlight to view the pages content.
“Of course,” Jesse reassured, bracing himself in preparation to try and fix this problem, whatever it is that it may be.
Lukas sighed before beginning. “I am having trouble remembering my past before…before PAMA,” he admitted, gripping the book in his hand a little tighter. “I’ve been re-reading this journal and I can hardly remember some pretty crucial details. Like here, I wrote that I was accused of murder in one of the dimensions we traveled to. I don’t remember any of that, Jesse,” he said, finally looking at him with the beginnings of panic, Jesse feeling his eyes widen slightly, his mind beginning to race.
‘This is horrible.’ ‘How can I help?’ ‘Why didn’t you tell me?!’
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner!?” Jesse asked, trying not to sound accusatory even if his attempted concern suddenly began to come out that way. It wasn’t how he intended it, but he couldn't help it as his emotions once again seemed to overpower the more logical part of himself.
Lukas narrowed his eyes, turning away from Jesse. “It wasn’t important at the time. You were…you were off trying to rescue everyone. You didn't have time to deal with my problem,” Lukas said, suddenly defensive as he responded to Jesse’s accusatory tone.
Jesse’s face and shoulders fell, his eyes still following Lukas’s every moment. “I’m sorry, Lukas.” He began, thinking about what Lukas said. “I am never too busy for your problems,” he eventually responded.
“You might want to believe that but I see otherwise, Jesse. You have the weight of dealing with every town's persons problems on your shoulders. Not to mention it wasn’t until recently that we weren't at the risk of death. What I’m obviously saying is that you have so much on your shoulders already, do my issues really matter that much…I mean, in the grand scheme of things,” he said, looking back at him with his eyebrows downturned and his lips pressed in a thin line. “I’m sure it will fix itself eventually. Petra seems fine at least,” he said, his voice taking on a bitter tone.
Jesse stared, silent for a long moment before speaking before it was too late. “I couldn’t have helped anyone without all of you. I have help with everything I do, it isn’t ever all me.” He paused. “You help me all the time, why wouldn’t I help you in return?” He asked, Lukas looking at him before giving him a small and sad smile.
“I..guess you’re right,” he said, Lukas staring at him for a long moment as if trying to remember something. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner,” he eventually concluded. “This isn’t a burden then, you promise?”
Jesse crossed his arms and stared at Lukas, choosing silence.
Lukas laughed ever so slightly, looking back down the hall. “Fine…”
There was a long stretch of silence before Jesse spoke again. “How can I help? Do you…mind telling me what else in your journal you don’t remember.”
Lukas gave him a small smile, clearing his throat as he began going through the different pages before stopping on something. “Well, I wrote here about how Axel landed on me multiple times. I…how do I not-”
Jesse huffed slightly against himself, Lukas turning and raising an eyebrow at him. “It’s not funny,” Jesse quickly excused, avoiding eye contact briefly. “What else?” He eventually asked.
Lukas pressed his lips together again as he flipped to a few more pages. “Gabrial losing his memory, oddly enough. And…it took me a while to remember Magnas died, all I remembered was you wearing his armor,” he said, looking off into the distance of the hall thoughtfully. “The only reason I have a vague memory of his death is because I wrote it here, and even now it feels fuzzy.”
Jesse felt his eyes narrow. “You remember me wearing his armor?”
Lukas nodded, smiling slightly. “Yeah, the way you looked in it….” He rubbed the back of his neck thoughtfully. “I remember you sitting with Ruben uh-” Lukas suddenly went quiet, eyeing him oddly as if waiting for a reaction and looking surprised when Jesse only stared at him curiously. “I um…remember you sitting next to Ruben in that armor, you were feeding him or something like that. I think…” he cleared his throat. “I’m not sure why I remember that, it’s weird-”
“Was that right before he…left?” Jesse asked, resisting the urge to turn and look at the item frame that held Ruban's remains.
“It was one of the last times I saw you two together,” Lukas admitted, both of them staring at each other, Lukas looking a bit pained as he turned back to his journal. “Anyway, again, I’m not sure why, uh, that stood out to me over some other things. Like, here-” he said and pointed to a clump of text he underlined. “I, obviously, remember who Aiden was. I remember important people pretty well for the most part still, I just…I don’t remember what happened to him, like, at all.”
“What do you remember about him, about the time we spent on Sky-city?” Jesse asked.
“Oh…uh, I remember distinctly what you told me about what went on after I was, uh, pushed off of the island, as well as being pushed off, as I mentioned. I remember you telling me about Aiden's treatment of the people there, and how he tried to attack you. I assume you must have- look, it’s not a big deal, because I can put these pieces together. I am sure he tried to fight you and that you took care of it. I just- what happened after that is just a complete blur," Lukas admitted.
“We went back to the portal hall. I remember Aiden telling me he wanted to be a writer,” Jesse informed. “I guess he thought he would be allowed to do that while in jail,” Jesse murmured.
“See, why don’t I remember that?” Lukas asked.
Jesse smiled slightly. “Maybe your mind doesn’t want to remember Aiden.” Jesse considered a moment. “Does it seem like most of what you struggle to remember is negative? What if you just don’t want to remember some things? Sometimes it’s… hard to hold on to things.”
“Not exactly,” Lukas said. “Like…here,” Lukas said after about a minute of searching, landing on a page and pointing. “Petra says some really nice things to me here, something about her being happy I was her friend. I wrote about how important that was to me and yet I can’t recall it. It’s like I’m reading about someone else. And not only that, I remember a lot of things I wish I didn’t. And random, insignificant things too. I’m just worried, what If I never gain those memories back? What if it’s just…lost forever. I mean, if you hadn’t gotten this journal back for me, how long would I have been helpless in remembering the past?”
“I would have helped you,” Jesse said after a brief moment. “Just like I’ll help now. I..can talk about moments in your journal with you. Maybe you just need to talk about it out loud with someone?” Jesse said, Lukas thinking on this for a moment before Jesse decided it was best he continued. “You said some things were coming back to you?”
Lukas nodded. “Yeah, slowly.”
Jesse found himself smiling a bit, feeling a little more relieved about this, every response to this situation he could think of feeling just a little more positive. “Then it isn’t helpless,” he concluded, giving an encouraging nod Lukas huffed at, smiling slightly before shrugging.
“Maybe…” he paused for a long moment. “What if…what if I don’t remember any more than this though? What if there are some things that never come back?”
“Then…I will fill you in on what you need to know,” Jesse said. “We all will,” Jesse said in reference to his and Lukas’s semi-collective friends. The entire order has grown a bit closer ever since their return from the portal hall.
Lukas looked at him with a soft expression for a while, his eyes locked on Jesse’s in a way Jesse found odd. He laughed after a moment, Jesse startling slightly. “I’m sorry,” Lukas said after a moment. “I’m just imagining Ivor trying to retell events and…that man would lie about everything, right? Am I remembering him right in saying that?” Jesse laughed, nodding as Lukas elaborated. “Unlucky for him he can’t lie about not wearing clothes under his armor, that was after PAMA,” he commented, Jesse laughing again at the memory he really didn’t have the time to properly appreciate at the time it happened.
“Who does that?” Jesse asked rhetorically, laughing and covering his face as Lukas did the same. Jesse wiped his eyes after a minute, smiling brightly at Lukas. Lukas smiled in return, Jesse feeling himself swell with pride, as if he had just completed a mission he had worked years on.
Lukas’s smile became fond again, his smile much bigger than it usually was. Jesse cleared his throat, overwhelmed by new, incoming thoughts a moment. “What if…I read your journal, that way I could-”
“No,” Lukas said before blushing oddly, Jesse staring at him in surprise before purposely choosing to stay silent. “I mean, eventually…maybe. It’s just embarrassing."
“Embarrsing?” Jesse asked, Lukas staring at him.
“Yep, uh, that’s it. Just, my private thoughts are in there. I mean-”
“You are talking shit about Axel in it, aren’t you?” Jesse asked with raised brows.
Lukas paused before laughing at him. “No…I don’t ever remember doing such a thing,” he said, averting eye contact.
Jesse just laughed at him, patting him on the shoulder. “It's okay…you deserve to after being crushed by him so many times, whether you remember that or not,” he admitted with a bit more bashfulness than he had intended. “I love you both, it’s okay if you don’t always like each other.”
Lukas stared at him, his smile falling slightly in an odd way. “Thanks, Jesse,” he said, his eyes trailing down to their knees, still pressed against one another. “For everything.”