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After checking up on Mr. Williams, Cassie finally sends him up for his brain biopsy. She makes her way to the staff lounge and sits down with a heavy sigh. The day isn’t even half over and yet it feels as though she’d been wrought through an emotional wringer.
She can’t help but feel for the ex-wife. She saw it then and there— the warring emotions, each one trying to bubble up on the surface and consume her.
The regret, one which she knows all too well like the back of her hand. It’s a deep well of what ifs and should have beens. There was guilt there too, for not staying, for not seeing the signs clearly, for moving on and being blinded by the changes to hold out hope for the person he was. Then, there was hope, merely flickering and quite fragile, but exists still. Hoping that maybe this is her chance to make it right, to reunite with the person she knew all those years ago, or perhaps just to absolve her guilt and wash away her regret.
But Cassie felt it all in one glance and these moments, when her emotions get the better of her, she considers being selfish. Perhaps if she cared less about her patients, then there wouldn’t be this weight on her chest threatening to drown her.
Robby used to call her out on it, citing it as a weakness. He advised her against getting too attached to her patients, to keep her compassion within the bounds of their duty as doctors.
She chuckles and shakes her head, “Just a few more hours, McKay.” She stands and bows her head, letting out a steady breath. She grips the table in front of her and closes her eyes, counting to 10 in silence.
She faintly hears the door open. There’s a pause and then, “You good?”
Cassie looks up, eyes wide. She opens her mouth to respond but her brain gets caught up at the sight of Dana standing by the door. “I–”
Of course it has to be Dana who sees her like this.
“McKay,” Dana calls, her tone laced with just a hint of concern this time.
And Cassie snaps out of her supposed trance at the use of her last name. She lets out a surprised chuckle and nods her head, “Yup. Great. It’s all good.” She stands straight and jams her hands inside her pockets, fists clenched. “You?”
Dana narrows her eyes slightly, “West Bridge issued a Code Black, me and Robby will be discussing the game plan in a few minutes.”
Cassie bounces on her feet slightly and nods, forcing out a smile. “Sure, yeah, that’s— good,” she trails off.
Talking with Dana has never been this awkward and Cassie still curses the past 10 months to this day. Perhaps if she handled things differently, if she was just a bit more patient, and more understanding, then maybe they wouldn’t be in this situation.
And if she squints hard enough, she knows the reason why she feels so deeply for her patient and his ex-wife. She’s familiar with the regret and the guilt, and tries so hard still to hold out hope that things with Dana could go back to the way it was.
But here in the present, it looks pretty bleak considering there’s a heavy silence between the two of them, a chasm that appeared over the past 10 months of uncertainty.
“Did you need anything?” Cassie asks. Her hands twitch in her pockets, aching to reach out to her.
Dana bristles a little as if getting caught, she averts her eyes for a second and shrugs, “No, I just… I heard the CT results are back on your patient.”
Cassie nods and crosses her arms, leaning against the sink, “It’s unfortunate but I’m optimistic.”
Dana nods and turns her head back to look at the Hub, “Briefing in 5 minutes.”
Cassie’s eyes follow Dana as she turns around, and she has the sudden urge to call her back. She hesitates, letting out a hiss before taking the leap and she crosses the room, “Dana, wait.” It’s quite loud in her ears but she pushes through it.
Dana pauses and Cassie sees how her shoulders immediately tensed. She’d be lying if she said it didn’t hurt.
Dana turns back to look at her, her eyes quickly landing back on the floor, “What is it?”
Cassie waits for her to look back up but knows it won’t happen, she feels a lump in her throat. “Wow, you can’t even look at me right now,” she whispers in disbelief. Ironically enough, Dana’s eyes shoot up to hers but only briefly. Cassie nods in defeat, keeping her hands deep in her pockets, don’t reach for her, don’t do it.
“I miss you,” She says plainly with a shrug, tearing her eyes away from Dana. “Even if everything about this feels wrong, I just… I really miss you.”
Dana takes a deep breath and finally looks up, her eyes locking with Cassie’s. Just when Cassie thinks she finally breaks through, Dana takes a tiny step back and shakes her head, “I have to go.”
Cassie blinks and purses her lips. She allows herself a few deep breaths before stepping out of the room.
The briefing was short and direct to the point. Cassie tries to shake off the hurt, if there’s going to be an influx of patients coming from West Bridge, then she can’t allow her personal life to interfere.
As the first round of patients came, she did her best to stay focused. She’s grateful for it to be honest, keeps her mind occupied and avoids whatever mess her relationship with Dana has turned into.
Things start to settle a few hours after that and Cassie finds herself leaning against the doorway to Mr. Williams’ room. She smiles at him as he positions himself on the bed, “How are you feeling Mr. Williams?”
Michael gives her a timid smile, “Fine. Anxious, to be honest. I don’t know what to expect.”
Cassie turns her head to check that she’s not needed and nothing is urgent at the moment before she steps inside and grabs a seat next to the bed.
“Is there anyone you wanna call? Keep you company at least?” She asks gently.
Michael shakes his head, “No, I— Do you think I should update my emergency contact?”
Cassie purses her lips and looks at him, “Do you want to?”
“It is unfair isn’t it?” He shrugs, “I shouldn’t burden her with this, not when she has a whole new life now. And I don’t want her to relive everything bad that has happened whenever she’s around me.”
Cassie nods in understanding, “You’re right,” she replies gently. “But she cares about you, despite this. Despite everything. And I think even if it’s a bit difficult to understand right now, you can’t choose the people who care about you because it doesn’t work that way. They choose you, for whatever reason, they think you are important enough to be given that privilege. The only thing you can control is how you receive it.”
Michael stares at her for a few moments before chuckling softly, “Is this part of your standard patient care, a therapy session?”
Cassie grins and shakes her head, “No and don’t let my boss hear you or he’ll give another scolding,” she shrugs, “I’ve been there though. I did my best to show someone I care until they believe it.”
“And?”
Cassie takes a deep breath, “The odds aren’t yet in my favor but who knows,” she gives him a smile, nothing wrong with a little white lie once in a while.
Michael nods at her, “I’m sure everything will work out.”
Before Cassie could answer, she hears a throat clearing by the door and snaps her head to see the subject of her thoughts, “Dana.”
Dana smiles at Michael, “Sorry to interrupt Mr. Williams, would you mind if I borrow Dr. McKay for a moment?”
Cassie stands and pats Michael’s hand, “I’ll come back when I get your results.”
She exits the room and has to pick up her pace to catch up to Dana, following her outside.
Dana paces the floor and Cassie stands close, leaning against the wall, “What’s up?” she asks with hesitation.
Dana shakes her head and in just two strides, she invades Cassie’s personal space, her hands coming up to grip her biceps.
Cassie squeaks in surprise, “Dana?” She checks her periphery. While she doesn’t mind the sudden contact, she doesn’t want other people to be privy to this moment, not unless it’s Dana’s choice. “Someone could-”
Dana shakes her head, “You just,” she chuckles bitterly. “You just don’t give up, do you?” Dana finally looks at her and Cassie holds her breath. She studies Dana’s face, having lost the privilege of being this close for months now.
Cassie searches her eyes then and raises her right hand to Dana’s hip, hesitant and cautious. When no protest comes, she squeezes her hip and shrugs, “Do you really want me to?” she asks in a whisper.
“You should,” Dana answers through gritted teeth.
Cassie pulls her slightly closer, “But is that what you want?” she tries once again.
Dana lets her hands fall from Cassie’s biceps. Her eyes bore into blue eyes that never fails to keep her anchored, even now, even after all these months. What she did to deserve Cassie’s affection, she’ll never know, but after helping out Mr. Yee, she realized how everything could be gone in a second. She wouldn’t want to be in the same situation, to have their last words to each other be full of pain and anger.
While they never found their footing, Dana knew in an instant that things with Cassie were different and after decades of marriage and portraying the perfect picture of a good Catholic woman, Dana got scared. Add it to the fact that things escalated after her attack, she was overwhelmed and drained, and just about done with everything associated with PTMC.
She feels another squeeze on her hip and she focuses back on Cassie, whose face is etched with deep concern.
“You could’ve chosen anybody, why me?”
Cassie tilts her head at the question, “Why not?” Dana answers with a look and Cassie sighs. She brushes her thumb against Dana’s hip, “You’re one of the few people who make me feel safe. Even though you’re not the warmest person at first, you allow those close to you to see the person behind the charge nurse, and that’s one of the biggest privileges you gave me. You notice things that other people don’t, you’re not afraid to speak your opinions, you give me no reason not to trust you.”
Cassie purses her lips and tucks a loose strand of Dana’s hair. She lets her finger caress her cheek, giving Dana a tentative smile. “I’m not asking you to marry me or anything, just that you give me a chance. Give us a chance to figure this out because aside from my son, knowing you has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me.”
Dana feels the sting of her tears threatening to fall. She averts her eyes as she blinks them away. She finally allows herself to reach out once again, her left hand toying with the end of Cassie’s braid. “I don’t want you to give up,” she admits. “But I can’t promise that this is going to be easy either.”
Cassie smiles, hope blooms in her chest, “I don’t want easy,” she replies softly. “I want this to last.”
A lone tear falls from Dana’s cheek and she laughs but before she can wipe it off, Cassie brings her hand to her chin and dares to kiss her tear away. Dana’s entire resolve breaks and she melts into Cassie, her arms coming around in an embrace. Both of them sigh in relief as Cassie finally gets to hold her. “I’m sorry for pushing you away,” Dana whispers against her chest.
Cassie kisses the top of her head, “I’m sorry too, I put too much pressure on you to get better.”
Dana turns her head to place a kiss on Cassie’s neck. She looks up and immediately gets lost in Cassie’s blue eyes, “I’ve missed you, Cassie. So much.”
Cassie rests her head against Dana’s and smiles, “Me too.”
Dana cups her face and presses her lips against Cassie’s. She fights her amusement as she feels Cassie holding her breath. It feels cathartic, like coming home after a long day. It’s gentle but certain. Soft and pliant lips mingle with her own as Cassie tries to pull her even closer. She lets out a surprised moan when a hand pushes up her scrub top and makes its way underneath. She arches her back a little as Cassie scratches her back softly, deft fingers tracing small patterns against her skin. She pulls back just enough to look into Cassie’s eyes.
“Don’t get ahead of yourself,” She chastises with a smile.
Cassie grins and steals a peck on her lips, “I’m making up for lost time.”
Dana chuckles, cupping her face, “Nice try.”
Their noses brush against each other, “They’re probably looking for us,” Cassie whispers.
Dana hums, “Probably.”
Cassie captures her lips once again, this time she dares to be a little bolder and slides her tongue into Dana’s mouth. Dana sighs as she responds with total abandon, trusting Cassie to keep her upright.
They lose themselves in each other for the next couple of minutes, not hearing the sliding doors open, nor the footsteps approaching. Cassie and Dana jump slightly apart when someone squeals nearby.
“I knew it!” Princess gasps.
Cassie tries to think of an excuse but comes up short. She’s almost about to panic at the thought of rumors spreading when she hears a quiet laugh in front of her. She looks down at Dana who decided to bury her head on her chest, shoulders shaking from laughter.
Cassie lets out her own chuckle and looks back at Princess who’s still gaping at them, “Is there something you need, Princess?”
“Mm mm,” Princess shakes her head but then it’s as if she remembers something and takes a step closer, and asks in a low voice, “Just out of curiosity, this didn’t just happen right? This isn’t new?”
Cassie looks slightly confused but lets Dana answer that one. Dana turns her head to Princess and raises an eyebrow, “Why’d you wanna know?”
“Nothing,” Princess answers immediately. “But seriously though, With the way you guys have been eyeing each other this can’t be new.”
Dana scoffs at the implication but still her smile breaks through. She leans against Cassie and shakes her head, “If the answer makes you win the betting pool then yes, this isn’t new.” Despite Princess’ protest about the existence of a betting pool, Dana waves her hand and dismisses her.
They hear Princess’ yells of victory as she goes back inside and Cassie turns to Dana, “You’re not gonna regret confirming that so soon?”
Dana squeezes her hand in comfort, “I’m taking a leap of faith. I’m all in.”
And at that moment, Cassie knows there’s not gonna be anyone else for the foreseeable future.