Chapter Text
Josh was driving. He’d been working all day at his local Guitar Centre, trying to work as many hours as possible so he could finally move out. He was exhausted. The last thing he wanted to do now was go home, to that ice-cold house, to the screaming matches and the hiding and pretending it didn’t bother him.
It did.
So he kept driving, speeding up on the highway. He turned up his music, Green Day screaming against the roaring of the wind past his open window. As he sped up, the engine humming louder, he started to feel it again. It felt real. He zoomed past the exit to head home, instead sticking with the road a little more.
He did it a lot, took detours and back roads, anything to lengthen his journey. Anything to avoid going home.
By some pull of fate, or more realistically, muscle memory, Josh found himself on Tyler’s street. He slammed on the brakes and pulled up by his best friend’s house.
He sat there for a moment, letting his song finish playing, before switching off the engine. It was a cold night, the air crisp and clear. Better than the hot summer days, when he’d suffer through layers of clothes. No, he decided, winter was much better.
The song faded out, and he grabbed his phone from the passenger seat, dialling his best friend’s number.
“Josh?” He picked up on the first ring.
“Hey. Uh, I know it’s kinda late, but do you reckon I can come over?”
“Yeah, totally. I’m not doing anything. How far away are you?”
“Uh. I’m outside.” Josh saw Tyler fling open his curtains and wave excitedly. He smiled a little to himself.
“Dude, why didn’t you say anything! I’ll be right there!”
Josh sat still as the line disconnected. A few seconds later Tyler’s front door swung open, and his best friend wandered over to where his van was parked. He pulled open the back door, and climbed in, peering at Josh still frozen in the driver’s seat.
“Are you going somewhere? Gonna come back here and talk to me about why you’re here?”
Josh just stared back at him.
“Not that I don’t want you here, I didn’t mean it that way. I just mean... There's clearly something wrong. So let’s not dance around it.”
Tyler’s eyes were piercing, staring right into his brain. He wondered briefly if it was too late to drive away. Josh shook any thoughts of escape from his mind as Tyler continued to stare him down.
He climbed out of his seat and into the back of the van, sitting timidly amongst the blankets and pillows he kept there. Just in case, he’d always told himself. Better safe than sorry. And he’d needed them once before, on one particularly bad night. So he felt justified in keeping them here. His van was like a second home. Or a third, since he’d spent so much time at Tyler’s house. He practically lived there during the holidays.
Fingers snapped near his face, and he jolted backwards.
“Earth to Josh.” Tyler met his eyes, wide and frightened. “Sorry. Talk to me, man. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, really.” Everything, although he’d never admit it without a fight.
“Don’t lie to me, Joshua.” Butterflies coursed through him at his full name. “You’re anxious about something. I know you. You don’t make surprise calls to my place at seven pm just because you feel like it.”
Tyler could read him like a book. He was agitated, mind racing alongside his heart, fingers twitching slightly.
“I am anxious.” He let out a humourless laugh. “I… don’t wanna go home. I know I should, they’re expecting me. But part of me just… doesn’t wanna.”
He looked down, hands fidgeting in his lap. Tyler moved, and Josh cursed himself for twitching backwards. Tyler looked at him, concerned, as he pulled the back doors closed gently.
“I was just closing the door. It’s cold out there.” He said softly.
“Yeah, I know. I’m fine.” Josh snapped a little harsher than he’d intended. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay. You’re freaking out about something. You’re allowed to be snappy.”
God, Tyler was too good. Everyone thought he was such an asshole, but if you really got to know him, he was the biggest sweetheart. Josh was one of the lucky few to see his softer side.
A soft tap on his knee snapped Josh back to reality, doing everything he could not to recoil from the touch.
“What’s happening in that pretty head of yours?” His voice was weighted with concern.
“I’m scared. I’m...scared…” Saying the words he’d been avoiding triggered something in him. His voice trembled, and his heart pounded heavily in his chest.
“I’m scared, Tyler, help, I don’t-“ He was finding it hard to breathe, like something was constricting his lungs from taking in enough air.
“Josh? No, hey, breathe. I’m here.”
He was trying, god damn it, he was trying. He took in shallow breaths, curling into himself.
I don’t wanna go home! Don’t make me go back!
“I’m gonna hold your hand. You’re okay.” Tyler’s voice floated into his mind, a calming presence in the storm behind his eyes. A soft hand took his.
“Don’t make me go back!” He gasped.
“Josh, breathe with me. You’re safe, you don’t have to go anywhere. Just listen to my voice.”
Tyler’s beautiful voice was like a lifeline, keeping Josh’s head above water.
“You’re doing so good, just keep breathing. Good job.” He soothed, squeezing Josh’s hand.
He was breathing easier now, deep breaths calming his nerves. Josh leaned into Tyler, dropping his head onto his best friend’s shoulder.
“Hi.” Tyler brushed a hand through his curls.
“Hey,” Josh mumbled into Tyler’s shirt. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to… do that.”
“Stop apologising. You’re avoiding the issue, you know.” He ran his fingers through Josh’s hair, untangling it absentmindedly. It was too long, far too long, but he wasn’t allowed to cut it any shorter.
“Want to tell me what, exactly, you’re scared of?”
What are you so afraid of? Coward. Can’t even tell Tyler what’s wrong. What’s really wrong?
“Don’t wanna see my parents.” He felt Tyler tense up. “It’s fine, really. Things just… aren’t the best between us recently.”
He leaned heavily onto his best friend, exhaustion clouding his mind. He liked being close to Tyler, it was the only time he felt anyone really saw him.
Tyler’s hand moved down through his hair, brushing against his neck and over his shoulder. Josh winced in pain as fingers lingered over a fresh bruise on the back of his shoulder. Tyler tugged his shirt down a little, surely staring at it.
“Where did this come from?”
“Fell off my skateboard.” He muttered unconvincingly. He jumped as Tyler poked it gently. “Hey, that hurts!”
“It’s pretty fresh. You haven’t been skating for a week or so. You always tell me when you go skating, remember?” Oh, yeah. That. “Wanna tell me what actually happened?”
“Uh.” Unwelcome memories flooded back into his head.
“Get this bullshit out of your head. You’re a girl!”
Josh felt rough hands on him, shoving him backwards. He stumbled, slamming painfully into the table. He gasped, pain shooting through him. He cowered from the figure, silently pleading that there would be no more pain.
“I’m only doing this because I care. You need to learn.”
Hands grabbed him again, shoving him back into the table, his head connecting with the hard wood. Stars danced across his vision.
“Josh?” It was Tyler’s turn to be timid, tapping his arm gently. “You with me, buddy?”
“It’s nothing.” He exhaled heavily and pulled back, leaving only their hands intertwined. His best friend opened his mouth to protest. “It’s nothing, Tyler.” He said forcefully.
“Is someone hurting you?” Tyler seemed heartbroken as he whispered.
Josh looked down, not daring to say a word. He’d always known he wouldn’t have been able to hide it forever, but he’d hoped that he could bring it up on his own terms. Although he supposed, by running to Tyler tonight, he’d opened the conversation.
He thought of his father’s anger, his mother’s sadness. He didn’t want it. Didn’t want Tyler’s soft looks, didn’t want to be treated like something fragile just because of what his parents did.
“Don’t look at me like that,” Josh added. “I don’t want your pity.”
The pair stayed silent for a moment. Tyler stroked his thumb over bruised knuckles, an unreadable expression on his face.
“I have to go home now,” Josh whispered hollowly. He’d have to face his parents eventually, he knew that.
“Are you working all day tomorrow?” He nodded. “I’ll come see you.”
Josh opened his mouth to protest, but no sound came out.
Tyler pulled away, and Josh mourned the feeling of their hands linked. It was short-lived, however, as Tyler crawled over and wrapped his arms around Josh gently. His hands pressed softly into Josh’s hair, brushing it out of his face.
Josh didn’t want gentleness. He didn’t want to be treated like something delicate. He pressed himself into Tyler’s chest, burying his face in the crook of his neck. Josh needed this, needed to be close to someone who wouldn’t hurt him. He needed the connection.
Tyler pulled back slightly before understanding and squeezing him tighter. He didn’t react even as Josh began to cry softly, instead stroking his hair and rubbing his back. God, it felt nice. He held Tyler as tight as he could, feeling the man holding him even closer. They sat like that for a few minutes.
“I have to go home.” He mumbled, eventually.
“You’ve been saying that for a while.” Tyler chuckled against him.
Josh leaned back, Tyler’s hand lingering on his cheek. He brushed away a stray tear, infinitely gentle.
“Text me when you get home. I need to know that you’re okay.”
Josh sniffled and gave a half-hearted salute. “Will do.”
The pair climbed out of the van, and Josh wandered over to the driver's seat. Tyler caught his hand suddenly.
“Wait. Josh, I love you. Be safe.”
Josh looked down at their hands, intertwined again like it was all they were made for.
“I love you, too, Tyler.” And he meant it more than he could say.
He climbed into the driver’s seat and watched as Tyler walked back to his front door, waving to him. Josh waved back and started the drive back home.
I love you replayed in his mind, echoing through every part of him.
Josh hung onto those words as he sat through another lecture about being out late and pointedly ignored all the comments about his appearance. None of that mattered when he thought about Tyler.
Maybe, just maybe, he could make it through this.