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Almost every day, Yoonchae only had an hour between dinnertime and bed if she wanted a reasonable amount of sleep before rehearsals, which usually just meant some scrolling, because she’d be too exhausted to do anything else.
The only exceptions to this rule were Saturday nights (when Yoonchae called her family, the time zones meant she had to wait until midnight for them to get off work) and Sunday nights.
Sunday nights were her favourite.
On even nights, Yoonchae would read, or draw, or just generally rest. It cleared her mind, got her mentally ready for the next while.
On odd nights, Megan would visit her.
She didn’t quite remember how this tradition started. She was pretty sure Megan just came over one night and asserted herself, completely ignoring Sophia’s increasingly complex weekly self-care routine she had to do in the living room for space. Yoonchae wasn’t even sure anymore whether she had knocked.
Yoonchae didn’t mind Megan barging in, though. She did the exact opposite of minding. By night three, she actually started looking forward to having Megan invade her personal space like it was her life’s mission to make sure Yoonchae would never have peace.
Well, it’s not like Megan wouldn’t let her have peace… If Yoonchae didn’t feel like playing Minecraft or Valorant or whatever board game Megan had pulled out of the back of her closet this time, she let her do her own thing. She’d just sit and hang out on Yoonchae’s like she belonged there, which maybe she did.
Maybe Yoonchae’s bed had also become Megan’s bed, at least for those precious few hours every other Sunday night and sometimes Monday mornings as well.
Maybe Yoonchae’s bed was always Megan’s. Maybe sometimes she wished it was, that they could spend every night chatting and laughing and falling asleep in each other’s lap and so, so much more.
If she did, she would never admit that to anyone. It took her four months to come to terms with that fact herself, and the second she stopped denying it to herself she swore that she’d never tell a soul.
Yoonchae turned a page in the book she had stopped caring about somewhere between Megan entering the room and Megan laying her head in her lap like it was the most natural thing in the world.
Normal people don’t lose focus on their novels because their best friend’s shampoo smells like forest fruit and it makes them go insane a little bit. Normal people turn pages at a normal rate because they are reading words.
She glanced down at Megan, who giggled softly at her laptop. She was watching some kind of anime Yoonchae wasn’t super familiar with. She did vaguely recognize the pink-haired toddler from something or other, though.
Whatever, she didn’t care enough to keep up appearances of reading at this point.
Giving up on her book, Yoonchae tilted the screen slightly upward so she could watch along. She was pretty sure this was the anime Megan had ranted to her about last week, so it shouldn’t be that hard to follow the plot.
It helped that a new episode was just starting, featuring some red-eyed lady Yoonchae recognized as pink-haired’s mother.
“Oh? You wanna watch along?”, Megan asked, turning her head slightly towards Yoonchae.
“Mh-hm.”
“Here.” Megan handed Yoonchae her left earbud, fingers brushing slightly. Yoonchae tried not to think about her stomach flipping.
It had been two years and three months since Yoonchae realized she had a crush on Megan– two years and negative one month if you don’t count the time she spent being in denial about it. You would think that she would be over this kind of thing by now.
You would THINK–
Luckily, it wasn't the gay panic moments she had to watch out for when it came to hiding her crush. Those were pretty easy to deal with; her poker face was good enough for professional matches in her opinion.
She had to be careful of the more casual stuff, the stares and the too-wide, too-relaxed smiles. Too many of those around just Megan and people would start to notice. Plus, things in that category just kind of creep up on you without you noticing.
Good thing she had to mask that kind of thing way less in private, as long as she made sure she was normal enough that Megan wouldn’t pick up on it.
“God, she’s hot,” Megan said out of the blue.
“Who?” Yoonchae knew who Megan was referring to, she wasn’t blind. The statement just really caught her off guard.
“Yor– the one with the red eyes. Although, I guess you wouldn’t get it, you’re straight.”
Oh. Right. Megan didn’t know. She didn’t know that Yoonchae had been identifying as a lesbian for two years and a negative month.
Nobody did.
Because frankly, it was nobody’s business but her own that she liked girls.
Sometimes she was jealous of Lara and Megan, sure. Of the way that, once they had come out, they just mentioned their queerness like it’s the most normal thing in the world and not something Yoonchae had to fight to accept in herself and was still keeping secret.
But hiding this about herself was much, much easier than telling people, getting harassed by male eyekons, and increasing the chances of people finding out about the reason why she discovered she liked girls in the first place.
“I mean, unless you have something to share with the class,” Megan joked.
God, but this was Megan she was talking about. The girl that made her want to share her own entire world, and made her want to explore the other’s.
Solid seven out of ten risk-wise. She wouldn’t judge or blab, but the crush thing made it dangerous.
(Honestly, some part of her didn't even consider Megan finding out about the crush that dangerous, maybe even appealing. Yoonchae considered that part of her very stupid.)
On the want-to-tell-them scale, she sat firmly at ninety-five out of ten.
Which is why the words came stumbling out of her mouth before she even realized.
“I’m not,” she said. “Straight, I mean.”
Megan paused the show and turned around, lying fully on her back. She would’ve probably sat up if she wasn’t so comfy. “Wait, what did you just say?”
She sounded… surprised? Something else? Yoonchae wasn’t quite sure. She never was that good at reading emotions.
“I’m a lesbian,” she clarified.
“For real? Damn.” Megan paused. “Thought you said you were an ally.”
“Yeah, I’m closeted.”
“Huh.”
Yoonchae took a strand of Megan’s hair in her hand and started playing with it. So far, so good– even if a bit underwhelming.
She had built up her first coming out as something momentous in her mind, as if there would be fights or confetti or something other than just quiet acceptance.
It was still a relief though, being able to get that off her chest. Like this, she would have someone to confide in when it came to this sort of thing, which was really nice.
(She wouldn’t be able to tell her everything, of course, but this was close enough. Maybe she would even be able to spin some stories about Megan into being about someone else.)
“Anyone else know?”
Yoonchae shook her head. “Just you.”
“Alright,” Megan said nervously. (Why nervously?) “Uhm, how’d you find out?”
“Oh, well…”
You. It was you. I found out because I got a crush on you, and it was so bad I didn’t know what to do about it, and it still is. I really, really like you, Megan.
“I got a crush on a girl,” Yoonchae said.
“Do I know her?”
“Doesn’t matter. She doesn’t like me back anyway, so I kinda gave up on the whole thing.”
Megan made up her mind about something, sitting up opposite Yoonchae.
She still remained way too close for Yoonchae’s liking though– or the inverse, if she wasn’t trying to pretend the mischievous look in Megan’s eye didn’t make Yoonchae want to kiss her until she forgot whatever evil little plan she had cooking up in her mind.
“Did you ask her out?”
“No, but–”
“And you still like her?”
“...yeah.”
Megan grinned, though it didn't quite reach her eyes.. “Then let’s write her a love letter.”
Yoonchae somehow managed to go through all seven stages of grief within thirty-four milliseconds, tops.
What the fuck do you mean, write a love letter?!
“No.”
“Please?”
“No.”
“We don’t have to send it.”
Yoonchae sighed, studying Megan’s face. Big mistake. She knows she can’t resist Megan’s puppy-dog eyes. It’s a problem.
“Okay,” she resigned. “But I will not tell you anything like her name or job that you could use to tell who she is. Alright?”
Megan nodded enthusiastically, grabbing a notebook off Yoonchae’s bedstand. It was her makeshift diary, one without any specific dates she would write thoughts in. “Can I use this? I want to do it on paper, that’s more aesthetic.”
“Well… Yeah, sure. I just need to get an empty page open for you. And don’t go to a new one without asking!”
“What, have you been writing smut in here, or…?”
Yoonchae flushed red, grasping at the notebook. “No!”
“Damn, you’re so panicked, I’d almost think you were!”
“Why would I write smut on paper?!”
“I dunno, you’re a psychopath and also old?”
“I’m literally the youngest!”
“And the oldest in your soul. I swear– last time, you were complaining about ‘kids these days’. Hag behavior.”
“While we were playing Roblox. That’s baby behaviour. It balances each other out.”
———Megan POV———
“So,” Megan said, changing the subject. “Let’s start with Dear… Blank. Just call her ‘Blank’, right? And they are a she, not a they?”
“Yes, she can be called Blank,” Yoonchae nodded.
Right. Megan hesitated, attributing the sinking feeling in her gut to the fact that she’ll have to write something despite having dyslexia. Ignore that it appeared when Yoonchae confessed she had a crush on someone, so before she decided on the love letter plan.
She was going to get Yoonchae and Blank together, because that’s what best friends do. Yoonchae would be happy, Blank would be happy, and Megan would be happy with a partner of her own, presumably. Someone other than Yoonchae. Obviously. Because she didn’t like Yoonchae. She was just her best friend. Stop overthinking things, Megan, and just write already!
“Okay, Dear Blank,” she wrote, hand shaking slightly for no discernible reason. “For how long have you had this crush?”
“Two years and… Just round it to two years, actually.”
Two years. That’s since Dream Academy. No, but she was also in high school at the time, so she might’ve met someone there. But what if it was someone from Dream Academy…?
No, it would still only be, like, Nayoung or something. She and Yoonchae still texted sometimes.
“For two years now, I’ve held a secret deep within my heart.” Megan finished the final word with a flourish and a mildly pretentious facial expression. Yoonchae smiled back shyly, and Megan’s heart twisted. “Is that good?”
“Yes. It is. Keep going, I want to get things over with.”
Megan gasped, preparing her British accent. “You don’t want to participate in this collaborative writing exercise with me?”
“No,” Yoonchae deadpanned. “I don’t. But you insisted.”
Yup, Megan did insist for some godforsaken reason…
That reason being, of course, that Megan was a good friend that helped her best friends get partners because that’s just the kind of person she is.
“But now," she said extra loudly. Whether she was trying to drown out Yoonchae’s overly negative attitude or her own thoughts, she wasn’t sure. “I can’t help but confess to you the way my heart skips a beat whenever… What’s, like, a habit she has that you like? Or something you like about her, just in general.”
Surprisingly enough, Megan was enjoying the process of writing this love letter. She was a creative at heart, after all. The other emotions were irrelevant, so she tried to focus on that one. The joy of writing, even through dyslexia and whatever it is making her feel like throwing up a little.
“Alright, fine. Her smile,” Yoonchae replied. “Her eyes, or how passionate she gets about stuff. When she laughs at her own joke, and it’s really not that funny, yet I can’t help but smile along, or when she stares off into space and I wonder what exactly she could be thinking about–”
“–Woah. Hold your horses. I can’t put all of that into the letter. Pick one, maybe two. Yeah, maybe do one thing she does and one physical thing.” That’s what I would like for you to write about, if it were me.
“Horses?”
“It’s a saying.”
Yoonchae bit her lip, fiddling with the drawstring of the hoodie she stole from Megan two of these Sunday nights ago. She was clearly uncomfortable with the amount she rambled on about her. That makes two of them, at least.
“...my heart skips a beat whenever you do something stupid while being completely… what’s the word, like you mean it,” Yoonchae said.
“Sincere.”
“Completely sincere about it, or the way that your smile makes everything else fall away. Does that work?”
Megan cleared her dry throat. Water. Right, she was thirsty for water. Man, Yoonchae truly did like that girl, huh. She sounded so passionate, rambling on like that. It kind of made Megan jealous– not it being Yoonchae specifically, obviously. Just the idea of someone liking her so much.
“Yeah. Yeah, no, that works. Cool.”
I’m not freaking out, you’re freaking out. The hypothetical you I’m speaking to right now that doesn’t exist because Yoonchae isn’t freaking out she’s perfectly calm and I should be just as calm but I’m not because I’m having feelings at this, oh my god there’s so many feelings involved that I do not want to investigate right now, get a grip, Megan, get a grip, you’re perfectly calm and normal.
“You’re good at this. You almost don’t need my help,” she chuckled. It felt hollow.
“Thanks.”
Totally not awkward, this whole situation. Megan took a sip of her water.
“Can you… I think it needs a metaphor, maybe? Some kind of comparison.”
“A star,” Yoonchae said immediately. “She, uhm, likes the stars.”
“Nice. I like the stars too. Maybe we could stargaze together sometime, once you two are together.”
“Yeah. Maybe we could.” Yoonchae sounded almost wistful.
“Sometimes,” she continued, “I look up at the sky and create new constellations, and they’re all named after you because you’re my guiding star.”
It was something meant for on paper, Megan knew that. The words still hit her square in the chest as if directed at her instead of some dumb crush.
Megan wished Yoonchae were talking to her. She wished they were writing this letter about her.
She wished Yoonchae liked her the way she liked this girl named Blank.
It wasn’t even a revelation, not really. She definitely wasn’t surprised at all. It just sort of clicked into place, somehow making the creeping discomfort she was feeling even worse. It was like a dragon was flying around in her guts, spewing fire into her throat.
She was feeling jealous. That was it. She wanted Yoonchae to be with her, not this girl. She was sure she could make Yoonchae happier than whoever it was, seeing as she didn’t even manage to pick up on Yoonchae’s crush for two whole years!
No. Yoonchae would be better off with Blank. That girl was who Yoonchae liked, not Megan. Megan was just her supportive best friend who would set them up together and – judging by how strongly she was feeling right now, and all the moments she was now flashing back to – end up as a crazy cat lady, never quite having gotten over Yoonchae.
And she would be okay with that, because she would still get to be best friends with Yoonchae in this future, and that’s enough for Megan.
(Also she would get cats. Megan really liked cats. She’s allergic to them, but she didn’t care. There’s medicine for that.)
“Alright. I wrote that down. Guiding star, was it? Like the north star?
“Yeah. Polaris, you told me it was called, right? I look up to her a lot. She can be a bit weird and irresponsible sometimes, so I don’t follow her lead all the time, but she’s also super talented… I dunno.”
“Right.” Weird and irresponsible? Megan wasn’t weird and irresponsible, she was better, she was– no, she was definitely weird and irresponsible, nevermind. Level playing field there. She was still smarter and prettier and more talented than the image of Blank she had built up in her head, so take that, strawman.
“You’re my– what is she to you?”
Yoonchae paused for a moment, conflicted. “My best friend.”
“She’s your best friend, not me? I’m kind of offended, Yoonchae,” Megan joked. Well, half-joked. Well, she wasn’t joking at all, she was so jealous she could bite a tree in half, but she was trying to make it sound like she was joking.
“I, well, you are my best friend,” Yoonchae said. “I mean– you both are.”
“...Okay.” Megan had to continue this letter, focus on how much she liked creating and not on the way Yoonchae nervously fixed her hair or how their god-damned knees were still touching why did you sit so close to her, for fuck’s sake, Megan–
She took a deep breath and spoke, wrote, straight from the heart. “You’re my best friend, and I don’t want to lose that."
“I just don’t think I can handle this anymore,” Yoonchae continued.
“I need you, Blank. Not just as a friend. As so much more.” Megan wasn’t sure who she was talking to anymore as she looked Yoonchae straight in the eye. Yoonchae looked back. “Do you need me, too?”
Yoonchae’s eyes widened, lips separating slightly. “Yes. I–” She blinked, looked away, broke the tension. “I think that letter works.”
“Right.”
“Yup.”
“Are you going to send it?”
“Nope.”
“Why not?”
“It’s complicated.”
“You can tell me.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“I just can’t.” Yoonchae slumped against the backboard of her bed.
Megan swallowed. Why was Yoonchae being so tense?
Why was Yoonchae being so tense?
Why was Yoonchae being so tense?
“You know, what you said, what we wrote… It really was beautiful. I know she’d think the same. And, frankly, if she didn’t, she would be an absolute idiot.” Megan wasn’t sure whether she was comforting Yoonchae, admitting her own feelings, or fishing for some kind of reaction. Probably all three.
“I agree. She is an idiot, but not because she doesn’t like the letter. She does have taste.”
Yoonchae went quiet after that, and so did Megan, who reread the letter. It felt strangely personal, not just in that she'd helped write it, but also in that it felt written for her.
Like, she was probably just wishful thinking, but c’mon. Doing stupid shit but being sincere about it? Liking stargazing?
Being Yoonchae’s best friend?
She read it again and again, especially the parts Yoonchae had dictated for her.
Sometimes I look up at the sky and create new constellations, and they’re all named after you because you’re my guiding star.
==—==
Three odd-numbered Sunday nights ago.
Megan glanced at Yoonchae, inhaling some cold winter air.
And then she looked again, because god, Yoonchae looked beautiful under the night sky.
“Have I ever taught you how to find the north star?”
Yoonchae shook her head. “How do you?”
“Well… First, you find the big dipper. It’s over there, see?” Megan pointed at the stars, and Yoonchae tried to direct her gaze towards that point. “It’s the constellation that looks like a big saucepan.”
“Yes, I see it. And then?”
“Those stars on the right side of the pan, the ones not at the handle. Try to imagine a line between those, then follow that line upwards towards the first bright star you see.”
“Right there?” Yoonchae pointed, but Megan wasn’t sure where exactly she was pointing to.
“Yes, it is. Nice job.”
“Thanks. And doesn’t move at all?”
“Yes– well, that’s actually pretty interesting. So the entire night sky is always spinning, well it isn’t, we’re the ones who are spinning, but that’s not the point. But Polaris – that’s another name for the north star – is only like less than a degree away from the point on which everything spins, so it only barely moved to us! That’s why so many cultures in the northern hemisphere, so on the north side of Earth, use it for navigation. The southern hemisphere uses the constellation Crux for that, along with the sun and the moon.”
Megan turned to Yoonchae, who was already looking back. She wasn’t sure whether Yoonchae had been listening intently, or not listening at all.
“So it’s like a guiding star,” Yoonchae said.
"You could put it like that, yeah."
“Like you.”
“Like us.”
==—==
Holy shit.
“Yoonchae?”
“Yeah?”
“If I’m right, I think the person we wrote this about really is an idiot.”
“I just hope she’s an idiot that feels the same. Otherwise, this whole thing is probably going to be very embarrassing.”
Megan hesitantly tangled their hands together on Yoonchae’s leg. “She does feel the same. If I’m right, at least.”
“I think you are.” Yoonchae rested her head on Megan’s shoulder.
“If I am, I don’t think it’s any less embarrassing though. I mean, helping write a love letter for…”
“Yourself? I mean, you insisted.”
She outright said it, huh. What a relief– the dragon in her guts settled down, snores feeling like butterflies, flames moving from her throat to her heart.
“I’m glad I did though.” Megan planted a few kisses on the top of Yoonchae’s head, just because she could.
Yoonchae squeezed Megan’s hand. “I’m glad you did too.”
"Hey Yoonchae?"
"Yeah?"
"I like you."
She felt Yoonchae smile into her shoulder.
"I like you too."