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Of all the cadets in my wing, five are currently unaccounted for. Bodhi Durran is currently MIA, lost in the chaos of battle. Hell, maybe he’s also a distance wielder and he’s on a beach in the Isles drinking a beer right now. Aaric, Imogen and Violet were last seen flying off with Xaden and Garrick. Whatever they have going on I have put firmly in the “not my problem” category.
The fifth cadet is a different story.
Normally I would refrain from knocking on a subordinate's door past midnight but I’m beyond caring about decorum right now. Matthias confirmed Sloane Mairi has been seen in Riorson house but only briefly in the mess hall a couple hours ago.
“Mairi. Open the fucking door.” I knock again, harder this time.
Nothing.
I mutter a curse to myself and turn to leave. So far I’ve checked everywhere a first year cadet should be. Mess hall, infirmary, courtyard. Cath has shielded me out without a word so I assume it’s important Empyrean business. Which means I can’t confirm if Thoirt is still around.
It would be irresponsible of me to stop trying to locate her. This drive to find her has nothing to do with the anxiety heavy on my chest. As I turn the corner to leave, I nearly crash into a small figure.
From the dim glow of the mage lights of the staircase she looks unharmed- free from blood and grim, at least. In her hand is two books but I can’t make any more details than that. She looks exhausted but there’s that pleased smile she has when she’s accomplished something.
“Watch it, Aetos.” she snaps. That happy expression gone as soon as she realizes whose blocking her path.
If she was anyone else, I would have a calm even reaction. But Sloane has a special talent for getting under my skin. “What the hell were you thinking?” I’m not sure if I’m more upset about her crossing the wards right now or her disappearing act tonight.
“Can’t you save the lecture for the morning?” She sounds annoyed more than anything which for her is probably a good sign.
I probably should. Hell, I should let Matthias handle this- technically Sloane's disipline fall to her then her section leader then me. Maybe if Cardulo was around, I’d just tell her and let her handle it.
But I can’t seem to stay away from Sloane.
“Where the hell have you been?” Internally I cringe. Sloane is not a child I need to scold. But venin spies could be anywhere and if something happened to her…
“None of your business.” she snaps, all trace of tiredness gone from her now.
“You are a first year cadet. I am your superior officer. It is, by definition, my business.” All of my cadets are my responsibility. I push away the nagging voice at the back of my head that reminds me I wasn’t losing my shit about that for any of the other missing cadets.
“Is that why you followed me today?” She crosses her arms as if readying for a fight.
My jaw ticks. The truth is messy. Complicated. “You left your post, for what? Because Aaric told you to?” I pray that she’ll take the redirection.
“Sure did.” Sloane tosses her hair back. It’s come lose in the hours since I’ve seen her. Longer than any rider’s hair should be and I’m feel the familiar pang of want hit me. “You abandoned your post too.”
“My actions today are not in question.” I say through gritted teeth. As a wingleader, I’m allowed to exert a certain level of judgement during battle. Should I be questioned, I will be able to weather some scrutiny. Hopefully. It’s not like I had time to think it through.
“No. I don’t think so.” She takes a step toward me. “Why’d you do it?”
I take a step forward so we're almost touching. The landing is small but neither of us are willing to give the other any ground. “Because one of my cadets was flying into an actively dangerous situation against orders.”
She smiles as if she won the argument. “Oh. But I was following orders.”
“Aaric is-” “A prince. And nobility outranks wingleader.” Sloane says sweetly. “I don’t imagine you had any such orders.” She taps her chin as if thinking. “Seems like you’re the only one who abandoned their post today.”
All I can do is stand there, stunned into silence. She’s right of course. The Codex is clear about that.
“So.” Despite the fact that I’m technically the one blocking her into this staircase, I feel very trapped right now. “Why did you abandon your post, Wingleader?”
Looking down at her, bright blue eyes shining in the dim mage lights, lips quirked into a defiant smile, all the fight leaves me.
“For you.”
Her eyes widen at the bluntness of my statement.
It was a surprise to me too. But I’ve had months to get used to it. The truth is I’ve found someone I would break any rule for. I’d throw out the Codex for her. I flew into a hoard of wyvern for her hours ago and I’d do it again.
“If you think this makes up for Liam-” “It doesn’t.” It’s my turn to cut her off. All romantic notions leave me at the mention of what I've done. “Nothing I can do will make that right.”
This isn’t a new argument between us. From the start I knew there was no way to correct my mistake. But that didn’t mean I wouldn’t try. And along the way, I fell for her.
When did I start wanting more than her forgiveness? Somewhere between the arguments, the extra training, I’d begun crave more of her attention, her spark, anything. All the things about her that captivate me that I have no right to.
“You can stop now.” Sloane said suddenly. Her voice is quiet but certain. “You’ve made it up to me, you’re good. Consider yourself atoned.”
“I don’t think it works like that.” It feels…incomplete. Insufficient. She is the only one who can consider my debt paid but I know for a fact I haven’t done enough.
“Gods, then how does it work, Aetos?” She rolls her eyes as she says it.
“I don't know.” I admit. It shouldn’t be so simple. Sloane just declaring it over and then us moving on with our lives. She continue to grieve Liam and I'll carry my guilt like a weight around my neck.
“Should I beat myself up for forever because I killed Violet’s mom?” Something in her face hardens as she asks that.
“That was different.” Sloane was saving people and me…I was jealous. Petty.
“Yeah, I ripped General Sorrengail’s life force out of her till she was dead.” Sloane says it so bitterly. “And you…you just trusted your dad.”
“Hey.” I say softly. Gods, I want to reach for her. But I know it’s not my place so my hands stay firmly at my side. “Lilith Sorrengail wasn’t your fault. She knew what…”
Sloane holds up a hand to stop me. “We can make justifications all day. Dunne knows I’ve been doing it for months. But it’s…” she casts around for the phrasing. “changed my perspective.”
“So what, you just forgive me now?” She has definitely mellowed towards me throughout the year. But full on forgiveness seems like a bit of a jump.
“Yep. And you can stop doing this whole trying to save me bullshit.”
“That’s not why…” But that's how it started, wasn’t it? That’s why I’d taken an interest in keeping an eye on her. “Its different now.” There’s no way in hell I can promise to just let her risk her neck again.
“How so?” She asks, tilting her head slightly as she asks.
She will break my heart if I give it to her.
I should let her. But I want to keep it in one piece just a little longer. When I graduate, these feelings will fade and they will only ever have mattered to me.
“You’re important Sloane. To the squad, to the war effort.” To me. The way she questions authority, her impulsiveness, her stubbornness has all made me feel more alive just by being near her.
Something flickers across her face for a moment- hurt maybe.
“I see. Well. This weapon of war is going to bed.” Sloane says as she pushes past me into the hallway. The angry way she says it lights that fire in me again.
I grab her wrist to stop her, causing the books to fall from her grasp. “No.” I say firmly.
Very quickly I realize my mistake. She’s inches from my face. And now, with the light of the moon streaming in from the window, I can see all the shades of blue in her eyes. Dark blue fades into a light blue. Every freckle on her cheeks is visible to me. Her full lips parted slightly in surprise. I create more space between us. But I can't seem to leave her orbit.
“You're not a weapon. You’re life.” I repeat what I’d told her earlier. “Lilith would be grateful you saved Mira today. That you used your signet for good again. You have the ability to take power and put it to good use. If today doesn’t prove that to you, I don't know what will.”
“Fuck off, Aetos.” But it lacks her usual bite. A pretty pink blush dusts her cheeks. For one delirious moment, I think her eyes flick towards my lips.
Letting go of her, I take a step back. It’s late and we’re both exhausted. What we both need is rest, not me pining over her. I bend down to pick up the books. The moonlight lets me to make out the titles. One is labeled “Practical Runes” and the other “Experimental Runes” Both written in Tyrrish.
“Give me those.” she says in a slight panic as she snatches one back from me but I hold the other one over my head.
“What are these?” The panic in her voice setting off alarm bells in my head.
“Books, obviously. Give them back.” She’s rearranged her expression back into annoyed but I can still see the agitation in her eyes.
“Where did you get them?” I’ve picked through all of Riorson House’s library for books about runes and I haven’t seen these before.
“Can we have this conversation somewhere private?” Her eyes flick towards her door. The sudden nerves is unlike Sloane.
I nod and follow her. For the second time in 24 hours, she grips my wrist. I wonder if she can feel my power begging for her to take it as pulls me through her wards.
She waves her mage lights on. Carefully, she places the book on her desk next to a stack of papers. The soft look on her face makes my heart trip in my chest. She takes a deep breath as she turns to me. “It’s my mother’s research.”
I’m holding out the other book to her as soon as she’s finished. “I’m sorry.” I don’t know what I’m apologizing for. Sorry for her losing her mom, sorry for taking the book.
“She was a genius when it came to runes.” My gaze wanders to her rebellion relic, the black swirls wrapping around her arm like ivy. “I heard her telling my dad- when things started to get bad- that she hid her notes in Riorson House.”
“So you’ve been trying to find them.” I conclude.
She nods. “Just found them tonight. This information is too valuable to lose.” Sloane sounds defensive and holds the book protectively to her. As if she’s worried I’ll rip it out of her hands.
“My mom passed away when I was born. If I had anything of hers I don’t think I could give it to Malek.” I don’t know what possesses me to tell her something so personal.
“Oh.” She seems taken aback by my confession. But her shoulders loosen and she sets the book down with the other.
“What do you plan on doing with them?” Sloane’s talented at runes but I know better than to guess her next step.
Sloane shrugs. “Study them. Translate them. That way everyone can benefit from her research. It’s what she would’ve wanted.”
I open my mouth and close it. Offering her more help might be an overstep.
“What?” She asks me warily. It strikes me that she’s still worried there’s a chance I’ll burn them.
“Doing that would be a beautiful way to honor her. Should you need it, I could help you.” I say in Tyrrish. It’s been a minute since I’ve spoken it and I know my accent is only passable. But this is something I can offer her. If nothing else, to reassure her that I think what she’s doing is the right thing.
Her eyes widen in surprise as she takes in my words. “You speak Tyrrish?” Her pronunciation is beautiful and I want to beg her to speak again, even it’s just to tell me to fuck off.
“Among other languages. My knowledge of runes isn’t strong but if you think I could be of some assistance I would be happy to do it.”
Sloane bites her lip as she considers my offer. After a moment she says, “I would like that.” She takes a deep breath as if steeling herself for something unpleasant. “And if you’d help me train my signet, I’d appreciate it.”
“I’d love to.” Maybe this is what redemption could look like. Not just making sure she doesn’t die but helping her do things that make her feel alive. Just like she's done for me.