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Jooyeon could only sigh against Jiseok’s lips. The older always brought out a calmness in him that no one else could. Sure, he also brought out a crazy side, but when they were alone like this, lying side by side, entrapped in each other’s presence, everything else seemed to fade away.
With the older pressed against his chest and hands through his long hair, Jooyeon felt content. He felt happy.
He was lying in Jiseok’s bed, wrapped in his sheets and enveloped by his scent. Perhaps it was weird, but there was something comforting about certain smells that really got to Jooyeon. His personal favourite had always been Jiseok.
All he could do was draw the older in more. He pulled at Jiseok’s hips, letting them shift impossibly closer. Days like this, nothing could get them close enough to satisfy that itch in his chest.
Jiseok’s fingers tightened through Jooyeon’s hair, and the younger’s lips parted slightly around a soft gasp. Having the guitarist like this was enough to make Jooyeon’s heart stutter and his stomach swirl with emotion. Taking advantage of the bassist’s open lips, Jiseok licked into his mouth. All Jooyeon could do was tip his head back further and enjoy what was given to him.
Rolling sideways slightly, Jooyeon let the older fall on top of him, his chest tightening in the new position. The younger practically melted, slipping his hands under the hem of Jiseok’s t-shirt. The expanse of his back was warm and perfect as Jooyeon inched his palms higher.
Jiseok pulled off much too soon, sighing heavily against Jooyeon’s lips, the air hot and happy. The younger let his eyes flicker open, just studying the man above him for a second. “You’re the best friend I could ever ask for,” Jooyeon breathed out, the words thick between them.
Jiseok just exhaled sharply, rolling off Jooyeon and settling beside him. There was a distinct gap between them, the bassist already missed the man’s warmth. “Yeah, sure,” Jiseok grumbled out, his tone taking Jooyeon by surprise.
“Why do you sound angry?” he asked quickly. “Did I do something wrong? I swear you’re my favourite.”
The guitarist only let out a sour laugh, the sound dry and hollow. “Oh, don’t worry. I don’t doubt that at all,” he shifted, not quite touching Jooyeon, but no longer so far away. “Are you staying tonight?”
Jooyeon hesitated. Recently, after they made out in someone’s bed, they had started just sleeping there together. It was easy and quickly became something Jooyeon really enjoyed. He shifted forwards, looping his arms around Jiseok’s waist. “Yeah,” he decided, “I will.”
Jiseok pulled him back against his chest, fingers moving to brush through his long locks as if on instinct. “Okay,” he said simply.
And that was how they both fell asleep.
─── ⋆⋅ 🐺 ⋅⋆ ───
Jooyeon woke up alone. It wasn’t exactly a new thing, but the coldness it brought with it never failed to unsettle him.
He pried himself up in bed, letting the blankets pool around his hips as he surveyed the room around him. While he wasn’t as clean as Jungsu or Seungmin, Jiseok wasn’t a dirty person. His washing basket was full and there were papers stacked up on his desk, but besides that, the space was relatively tidy.
Jooyeon’s own bedroom had never once looked this good, so he supposed his only valid reaction was to be impressed.
He could hear his flatmates moving around in the kitchen, talking between themselves. He forced himself the rest of the way out of the bed, stretching out his back and shoulders. He pried himself out of bed, reaching for his hoodie from the chair and pulling it on.
“Hey,” Jooyeon called as he emerged from the bedroom. He was lightly humming to himself, a gentle spring in his step where there usually wasn’t. There was something about staying over, sleeping in Jiseok’s arms, that seemed to spark inside him like energy, a buzz of happiness he just couldn’t shake.
The kitchen held a sadder tone than he expected. Jiseok was slumped over in one of the chairs, shoulders dropped down and his eyes dull. He barely looked up as Jooyeon wandered in.
Jungsu was at the stove, a pot of bubbling water before him. It looked like he was making noodles, the bench lined with the gory remains of chopped up vegetables. He grabbed the plate beside him, pouring the greens into the pot and making Jooyeon shudder.
The bassist stopped beside Jiseok, his hand pressing to the back of the guitarist’s chair. When his fingers brushed fabric, Jooyeon felt Jiseok pull away. “How are you both this morning?” he asked, trying to keep his tone light.
Jungsu shot a look over his shoulder, one Jooyeon couldn’t quite decipher. He looked like he was sizing him up, analysing him curiously. He didn’t say anything for a moment, focusing his attention back onto stirring the noodles and veg. “I’m alright. Glad to have a day off at least.”
“Oh, you and me, both,” Jooyeon chuckled. He straightened up, stepping around the corner of the table and making his way towards the fridge. He had gotten a bottle of chocolate milk yesterday, and after grabbing it, Jooyeon moved towards a small clean section of the bench, setting the milk down and reaching for a pair of glasses. “Do you want any, Jiseok?”
At the mention of his name, Jiseok flinched. He blinked owlishly for a moment before shaking his head. “No thanks, I’ll have some tea later.”
Jooyeon didn’t want to admit it, but he had gotten the milk because of something Jiseok had said a week and a half ago. He had made a comment while they were sitting together about how he hadn’t had any chocolate milk in a long time and it would be really nice to have again. Jooyeon had forgotten about it for a few days, but as soon as he remembered, he shot off to the dairy at the end of the road, getting the bottle and tucking it safely into the fridge.
And now, Jiseok didn’t feel like any?
Jooyeon had to force his cheeks to maintain his smile, not letting the small crack shine through. “Alright.” Maybe Jiseok wanted some later?
Jungsu reached over, poking Jooyeon harshly. He let out a squeak, rushing to shove the keyboardist’s hand away. He had been seconds away from unscrewing the milk’s lid. If Jungsu had poked him a moment later, he could have spilt milk everywhere. “What was that for?”
“Aren’t you going to ask me if I want any milk?” he asked loudly, his voice dripping with fake annoyance. Jooyeon knew it was fake because of the wide grin playing on his lips and the devious sparkle glinting in his eye.
“Do you even like chocolate milk?” Jooyeon shot back.
This time, Jungsu’s smile dropped, his expression twisting into real annoyance. “Of course I do! Who doesn’t like chocolate milk?”
“I don’t think Hyeongjun likes it-” Jooyeon hummed, trying to remember the last time he had had it with their friend. He was sure Hyeongjun had turned him down, opting to drink something else instead. Then again, his memory may have just been fuzzy.
“Uh, yes?” Jungsu frowned, his tone rising like he was asking a question. “What do you even mean? Yes, he does.”
The bassist blinked, genuinely surprised. “Wait, really? I didn’t know that.”
Jungsu could only roll his eyes. “That’s because you only pay attention to your boyfriend-”
“He’s not my boyfriend,” Jooyeon spluttered quickly, cutting Jungsu off as soon as he registered the word. “We’re just friends-”
“Oh yeah,” Jungsu shot back, his voice practically dripping with that irritating ‘I told you so’ lilt. “The fact you knew exactly who I’m talking about without me saying his name really does prove that-”
Jiseok’s chair grated against the ground as he stood. He looked exhausted, his expression twitching down into a frown. He didn’t say anything as he turned on his heels and left, hands pushed deep into his pockets.
Jungsu just sighed, the sound long and drawn out. He shifted his attention back to the pot before him, stirring it slowly. “Now you’ve done it.”
“Me?” Jooyeon echoed, wheeling around to face the keyboardist. “You were the one arguing with me! You kept calling us boyfriends. Of course he’s going to get pissed.”
Jungsu levelled him with a stare. His anger seemed to fade though, fizzling out around the edges and replaced with a look Jooyeon didn’t want to decipher. “Do you ever think? Seriously, do you?” The words were more tired than sharp, a certain sadness settling over them.
From where he stood – near the end of the bench, just in front of the far wall and a row of cupboards, only two paces back from Jungsu – Jooyeon could see a weird glint in the older’s eyes. In the kitchen, nestled amongst the things he lived his life with daily, Jooyeon suddenly felt like he was missing something obvious.
He blinked once, twice, staring at the keyboardist. “What are you talking about?”
But Jungsu just sighed, turning back to the pot. He took it off the element, stirring it a few more times as the bubbles began to settle, no longer stoked by the heat below. “Just think about it. You don’t have to figure it all out right now, but I do want you to just sit and think at some point in the near future. For both your sake and Jiseok’s.”
─── ⋆⋅ 🐺 ⋅⋆ ───
Alas, Jooyeon hadn’t even gotten the chance to think.
It wasn’t anything to do with Jungsu’s request either. Their free day was over before he could blink, and another two weeks’ worth of full schedules kept him busy. They were long days. Not the longest Jooyeon had worked, but they were long nonetheless. He collapsed into bed each night, falling asleep before a single sentient thought even had the chance to cross his mind.
He was so caught up in everything that he didn’t even notice Jiseok pulling away.
Jooyeon dropped down beside Jiseok after practice one afternoon, sliding down onto the floor right next to him, arm wrapped securely across his shoulders. Jiseok tensed immediately, his knuckles going white where he was gripping the material of his track pants. “God, this week’s been a lot, right?” Jooyeon asked him.
The sentence was meant to be a conversation starter, but really it just made Jiseok pull away. He sat up, shrugging Jooyeon’s arm off and hauling himself to his feet. He didn’t say anything, moving across the room and sitting back at his station, busying himself with his guitars.
Jooyeon frowned. He wracked his brain, trying to figure out where he made a mistake, where he went wrong. It felt weird, his stomach squeezing uncomfortably as he took the situation in. Had he done something to hurt Jiseok?
God, that hurt more than anything; the idea he could have hurt his best friend. It had to have been pretty bad if Jiseok wasn’t even talking to him now. Last night they had stayed together without any issues.
Although…
Looking back, Jiseok hadn’t said anything. He hadn’t said anything at all and now Jooyeon was beginning to worry. He pressed his palms to his thighs, smoothing them out and wiping off the sweat. He swallowed thickly, his chest tight and his lips pursed together.
Seungmin and Hyeongjun were standing by the synth, smiling about something and whispering between them. Now that Jooyeon thought about it, since they had announced their relationship (‘announced’ being Gunil finding them together and telling the others in a panic) Jiseok had been quieter than usual.
Gunil was sitting at the drums, his phone in his hands and his eyes locked onto whatever he was doing. Jungsu stood at his keyboard, dusting off the keys with that little brush he always seemed to bring around with him. He glanced up, shooting a look in Jooyeon’s direction. The message behind it was clear; ‘see what I mean? Think about it.’
Jooyeon swallowed down the lump forming in his throat, forcing himself to his feet. His limbs felt all tingly, a distinct tiredness underlying each of his actions. Tomorrow was a rest day, he reminded himself carefully. He could sleep in then.
Jiseok didn’t even look at him for the rest of practice.
It wasn’t until that evening, long after the sun had set, when they were all just arriving home, that Jiseok finally looked at Jooyeon. He did more than spare a single glance too. He looped a hand through Jooyeon’s belt buckle and pulled him gently along, towing him all the way down the hall to his own bedroom. Jooyeon caught a glimpse of Jungsu’s frown for only a moment before the door was closing behind them.
It was calm in Jiseok’s room, the space slowly becoming familiar to Jooyeon. They both settled on the bed, sitting side by side. Jooyeon shifted slightly, just enough as he reached to slip his hand into Jiseok’s. He pressed their palms together wordlessly, the warmth just enough to calm his fizzling nerves.
Jiseok let out a sigh, the sound loud in the air around them. His fingers flexed against Jooyeon’s skin. “We should get changed,” he mumbled out, “then we can sleep.” As he stood, Jiseok tried to pull his hand out of Jooyeon’s grip, moving to take a step away.
“Wait,” Jooyeon said, making Jiseok freeze. The guitarist looked back at him, a small crease settling between his eyebrows. “Can we talk for a moment?” The words startled Jooyeon almost as much as they started Jiseok, the bassist frowning to himself as Jiseok slowly sat back down on the bed beside him.
Their hands were still clasped between them, and honestly Jooyeon didn’t want to let go.
“What do you want to talk about?” Jiseok asked slowly.
Jooyeon exhaled, slow and reluctant. He decided, looking at the way Jiseok’s eyes seemed to glimmer in the low light, that it was best to just speak the truth. “Honestly, I don’t know,” he admitted. “ I don’t know what’s going on with you. Whether I did something wrong or if it’s something entirely different. Jungsu keeps telling me that I need to think. Think about what? I don’t can’t figure out what he means-”
“Seriously?” Jiseok cut in. His tone was harsher now, rough and awkward, jagged around the edges. He cleared his throat, doing his best to calm himself down. He ducked his head, swaying their interconnected hands gently side to side against his cream duvet. “You really don’t know?” he tried again.
There was a distant bubble of annoyance inflating somewhere deep inside Jooyeon. He clenched his jaw, doing his best not to snap at Jiseok. He knew that wouldn’t help, only proving to draw them further from the topic at hand. So instead he reigned himself in, forcing himself to speak calmly. “Please can you just tell me what’s going on?”
Jiseok didn’t look up, raising a shoulder in a half shrug. “I don’t know how to say it.”
“Say what?” Jooyeon prompted. He sighed, shifting ever so slightly closer. “You can tell me anything, Jiseok. We’re best friends-”
“Well, that’s the issue, isn’t it?” Jiseok complained. This time when he stood, he yanked his hand away, pressing his palms to the soft material of his sweatpants. He closed his eyes, just taking a moment to breathe. Even from where Jooyeon sat, he could tell Jiseok was doing everything in his power to remain calm.
When he spoke again, his voice was soft, barely a breath into the air between them. His eyes fluttered open, holding an emotion that made Jooyeon’s head hurt. “You really have no idea…?”
“I’m sorry,” the bassist replied, swallowing back the lump forming in his throat. “Should I? Is it supposed to be obvious?”
Jiseok let out a sour chuckle. “Apparently everyone can see it but you,” he grumbled. “So yeah, maybe you should have picked up on it.”
Jooyeon melted a little bit, his shoulders falling as Jiseok’s words settled around him. Was he that oblivious? The thought made his chest tighten. All Jooyeon wanted to do was be good for Jiseok. He didn’t want to make a fool out of himself like this. He tightened his hands into fists, nodding along stiffly. He cleared his throat, mumbling out, “oh, wait, yes I do see…”
Somehow, the obvious lie made Jiseok’s edges soften. He sighed, the anger seeming to suddenly dissipate from his body. He dropped back down onto the bed beside Jooyeon. “You have absolutely no idea, do you?”
“I’m sorry,” Jooyeon said again. “I really don’t. Jungsu has been telling me repeatedly to work it out, but I still have no idea. I really am trying, but I just… don’t know.”
Jiseok sighed again. He wrung his hands for a moment, sighing out something Jooyeon couldn’t quite make out. Then, he twisted to face the younger, his fingers brushing along the bassist’s jawline. Jooyeon relaxed into the contact, his heart fluttering softly in his chest.
This was something he understood, the way they connected with each other. He felt his breathing stutter when Jiseok leant in, his eyelids pulling downwards like they were being pulled down by weights. Their lips brushed, slotting together as Jiseok’s hand curled into Jooyeon’s hair, holding him closer.
But this kiss was different to the ones Jooyeon was used to. It was softer, imbued with a kind of longing he had never felt from Jiseok before. It made his heart race, his own pulse loud in his ears, pierced only by the sound of Jiseok’s sighs.
Jooyeon found himself scared; scared that the kiss would end, that they would go back to sitting awkwardly together. He found himself scared of returning, going back to the before. His hands tightened into fists in the material of Jiseok’s sweatpants, tonguing at the seam of the older’s lips to encourage them apart.
His whole body felt weak, caught in a kind of suspension he couldn’t describe. It was addicting.
Jiseok pulled back first, hovering mere inches away. His breathing was heavy and his fingers tightened their hold in Jooyeon’s hair as he tried to hide how they were shaking. “Do you understand now?” he whispered.
Jooyeon’s eyes fluttered open, met with the sight of blush staining Jiseok’s skin and his lips pink and glossy. His eyes were still closed, his eyelashes playing across his cheeks.
This wasn’t like usual. There was more there that Jooyeon had yet to unravel.
He swallowed, leaning forward just enough that their foreheads pressed together. He felt the heat emanating from Jiseok’s skin, staring blankly down at his own white knuckles.
“What type of best friends do this?” The words were so soft that Jooyeon almost didn’t hear them.
He swallowed thickly, a shudder running all the way down his spine.
What was the question, wasn’t it?
Best friends didn’t act like they did. They weren’t best friends and they hadn’t been in a long time. Jooyeon let out a staggered sigh, his shoulders dropping as the realisation hit.
“I’m in love with you,” he confessed. The words felt janky, laden heavy with surprise, but he knew instantly he meant them. Lee Jooyeon meant them with his whole heart.
He didn’t even give Jiseok a chance to respond, pressing up until their lips slotted back together. He kept pressing, forcing the guitarist to fall backwards, his back hitting the bed and Jooyeon tumbling down on top of him. He fisted a hand in Jiseok’s shirt, his own pressed to the duvet beside them, propping himself up as they kissed.
It hit him so suddenly, his head felt like it was full of fluff.
Jooyeon had been so convinced that he was straight that he hadn’t even taken a moment to consider why he felt so drawn to Jiseok. Why he loved kissing him more than anything else. Why he hadn’t had a crush since even before they first started their ‘platonic’ kisses.
Lee Jooyeon was in love.
And, judging by the wide smile and soft giggle the guitarist let out when they finally parted, Kwak Jiseok was in love as well.
And maybe that was okay.