Chapter Text
It certainly didn't start out this way. Tony just needed something to stop the phantom press of cap's shield against his chest, and the cold sweat he would wake up in after yet another dream of a freezing bunker in Siberia. Something to numb the betrayal.
It weighed on him. In every meeting, every conference, even date nights with pepper were hard to get through, simply functioning normally seeming like an impossible feat.
When Tony spent more and more time locked away in his lab, with no connection to the outside world, not even Pepper, she began to get worried. Understandably. He was still healing from his countless injuries sustained in Siberia for gods sake.
And so, the doctors were called in.
One, after another, they were called and came in, examining Tony before making a quick assessment.
Depressed, they said.
PTSD, they said.
And not one with a real solution.
Until of course the most recent attempt on a 'cure' for Tony. The latest doctor. Dr Williams. After his examination, he provided a real, material answer.
"I can see that mr stark here is depressed ms Potts. Perhaps showing symptoms of PTSD as well. An SSRI like Prozac could help regulate serotonin levels and reduce the severity of his symptoms, in addition to lessening some of the pain he's feeling."
Tony didn't understand why the doctor was talking to pepper like he wasn't in the room, but the indignation was quickly overshadowed by the relief that he's offering an escape, a pause, numbness.
About to decline, Pepper opened her mouth to speak before being cut off by a desperate acceptance.
"I'll take it."
Her head whipped towards Tony. "Are you sure? I'm not sure drugs are going to be the solution, especially for you Tony"
"What do you mean by that, pepper. Care to elaborate?" He shot back, coldness and defensiveness clear in his voice.
They had an agreement not to speak of it. Of the start of Tony's life at SI, the dark path he went down, still reeling after the deaths of his parents. The solutions the young 21 year old turned to, thinking there were no other options.
"No... but if I even... if I see you contact even one old number..."
Tony sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose."I know, I know Pep, you don't need to worry about me"
Still unsure, Pepper only sighed and nodded, knowing this was an argument she wouldn't win.
The doctor, having ignored this entire exchange, finished his explanation, and informed them that the dose was to be taken once a day. He handed Tony a small pill bottle.
-—————————-
Tony behaved at first. Took the pill, the proper dose, at the same time each day. And still woke up in a cold sweat most nights. Clearly, this wasn't working, so Tony decided to take matters into his own hands.
And so it began. Two pills a day. Then three. Eventually, the bottle ran out, and the doctor didn't even question why it was finished so early, only gave Tony an odd look before handing him the prescription. That one soon ran out as well, and that's when the questions started.
Tony was finally starting to see a change. He would knock out cold for the whole night and spend his days in a haze. To him, this was a monumental improvement. To Pepper, not so much.
So, in secret, she very strongly advised (demanded) Dr Williams to take Tony off the drugs. The doctor protested at first, but after alerting him to the empty bottles stacking up much quicker than they were supposed to, he agreed to pause the prescription. Tony did still have a company to supervise.
After running out of his latest prescription, Tony appeared at the doctor's office and was met with quite a shock. Opening the door, he got straight to the point. "The bottles run out again. The prescription, the next one, when is it?"
"There is no next one, Mr Stark." The doctor said evenly and patiently, clearly having done this before. "You've been taken off Prozac, and are no longer a patient of mine."
"What! But it's working! And well, might I add. Did Pepper put you up to this?"
"I made the decision of my own accord, Mr Stark, I no longer believe the best place for you is at my practice. If that's all...?"
Dazed, Tony stumbled out of the office. How could Pepper have done this to him? He knew it was Pepper, it had to be, why else would that idiot doctor turn down the impressive paycheck he was receiving? He thought Pep would be happy for him, he was making progress. He was numb.
He had to keep being numb.
Keep the pain at bay.
He needed it.
So really, it was Peppers fault that he did the one thing she told him not to. The moment he got back to the tower, and locked himself away in the workshop, Tony made a command.
"JARVIS, call Bill,"
"This number has been blocked and deleted from all your records by Miss Potts."
"Override code 5C32F"
"Calling Bill"
Pacing around the room, Tony waited impatiently for him to answer, like he knew he would.
"Hello?" A low, grating voice asked, making Tony's jaw clench just from the sound of it. "Stark, that you?"
"Yes. You still supplying?"
"Man, blunt as always, no greeting for your dear old friend?" Tony could practically hear the wicked grin on Bill's face.
"I asked you a question, dipshit."
There was a grunt from the other end of the line. "You got money?"
"Yes."
"Then yeah, I'm supplying. Thought you were meant to be clean, bro, weren't that what all the papers were saying?"
"I'm not here for casual chitchat, bill, where can I find you."
"Alright alright, meet my guys a block away from that fancy rich kid tower of yours in two hours, I'm assuming you want your old usual. I'm gonna need cash for that, bro"
"I'll be there. And for fucks sake I'm not your 'bro'."
-—————————-
Four hours later, having dealt with those thugs and their hassle, Tony went straight up to the penthouse, locking everything behind him, before setting on his couch with a clear plastic bag in his hands. Doing a line on his 1000 dollar coffee table was not on Tony's bucket list this year, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Very literally.
The last of his Prozac having worn off a few hours ago, Tony was hit with another memory of Siberia, and the stabbing pain of guilt in his chest. He had to make it stop.
Half delirious already, Tony inhaled sharply and snorted the line. He leaned back and waited for it to kick in, wondering how his life had come to this.
-—————————-
In a flurry of movement, Pepper waltzed into the penthouse with about a million bags and paperwork flapping around her like a halo. "Tony! Get down here, I had to override JARVIS, you've got a meeting with the rest of R&D in ten, I need to get you down to conference room E."
There was no response, other than a muffled thump from the living room.
"Tony? Was that you?" Pepper made her way over there hampered only slightly by the weight she was carrying. However, when she laid her eyes on the scene before her, the bags were quickly dropped.
Feathers fluttered to the floor, the empty husks of pillows strewn about the room like corpses, and piles of paperwork (which Pepper was not happy to see out of order) littered any space between. There, in the middle of the frantic mess, knelt Tony, the eye of the storm, smiling peacefully to himself.
After hearing the thud of the bags and his CEO rushing towards him, Tony looked up slowly, dazed and sedated. As his eyes met Pepper's, she let out a small gasp. His usually warm, brown gaze was almost completely black, pupils dilated so far that there was none of the hazel visible.
"Oh, Tones. What have you done?" Pepper mused quietly, an undercurrent of sadness tracing her voice. She slowly brought her hands to Tony's shoulders. "Are you even in there right now?"
Tony opened his mouth, then closed it again. He wasn't sure he knew the answer.
"H-hullo, Pep"
She pulled him into a tight hug, caution be damned.
"I- I'm better, look. Numb," he whispered, closing his eyes once more. "I can sleep... no nightmares..." was the final thing he mumbled before collapsing forward onto Pepper. She lowered him to the floor carefully, trying her hardest not to break down in tears.
"JARVIS?" She said quietly, her voice almost a murmur, "what happened?" The question was futile. Pepper knew what had happened, but she had to be sure.
"Sir called an old blocked number, 4 hours and 37 minutes ago, used an override code, and left the penthouse, before returning with some rather illegal drugs, Miss Potts."
"Oh, Tony..." her head fell down to look at the prone figure. "Let's get you cleaned up."
-———————-
Tony woke up to a familiar rhythmic beep, and the smell of antiseptic. Not wanting to come to terms with reality and open his eyes, he lay there for a good five minutes, before being startled by a tired voice.
"I know your awake, Tony"
He reluctantly sat up, a splitting headache slicing open his temple as he groaned. "Hello to you too Pep."
"Ok pause the humour coping mechanism and be real with me here."
He looked over to her and immediately looked away, the shame of his actions too much to bear.
"Hey, no, Tones." Pepper walked over to the hospital bed and held his slightly trembling hands. "Look at me."
He did.
"You know, you can always, always, talk to me when it gets bad like this. I want you to. I'm not expecting you to be perfect, no one is, not even me," she added with a sad smile, "so a relapse like this is okay, but we need to know your triggers, your limits. Different ways to cope with the very understandable trauma you have. You're a hero Tony. That's not all sunshine and rainbows."
"I just wanted you to be happy. So you could stop worrying about me."
"Tony, I'm here whether you're over the moon or in the pits of depression, I just want you to know I am. I love you no matter what."
"I love you too, Pep," he said, somewhat mollified.
There was a short pause.
"Is it too soon to say I told you so? Because I didn't want to be right but I did warn you when that doctor-"
"Too soon, Pep, too soon."