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held the card in my hands, unsure what to do. I needed help, but I was too scared to ask. I was scared it made me weak. It made me everything Mark said I would be. I’m sitting on my front porch, and it’s late at night. The light in Claire’s room is off, so I know she’s asleep. I don’t want to talk to her. Even though we’ve mostly worked everything out, I still hold resentment for what she said at the winter ball. I know it’s not fair to her. She was only trying to help. But, still. She aired out my secret to everyone, and the one person who could use it against me.
I dialed the number on the card in my phone. There was a slim chance that he would answer. It was one in the morning.
It took about five rings for the person on the other line to pick up.
“Hello? This is Darren Lynch speaking.” The voice sounded tired, like he just woken up. I couldn’t find the courage to speak. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. “‘Ello?”
“Hey, Darren. It’s me, Gibsie.” My voice was coarse. I cleared my throat. “Can we talk?” There was movement on the other side, the sound of rustling and a door closing.
“Yeah, of course. Is everything okay back there?”
“Are you in Belfast at the moment?” I asked, stalling. I closed my eyes, trying to gather myself.
“Yeah, I am. I’m coming back to visit in two days. We can talk then too, if you’d like.” Darren said. “What do you want to talk about? It’s okay. You can talk to me.”
I rubbed my eyes, taking a shaky breath. “Mark was arrested.”
“Mark… Mark Allen. Ah…” He exhaled. “Right. Of course he was.”
“Did you know something about him?” My voice is anxious as I ask. Maybe he knew someone. The thought of Mark doing that to other people killed me. I wouldn’t ever want someone to be subjected to the pain I was put through.
“No. I never liked him, that’s all. I hated him, actually.” He scoffed.
I bit my lip, trying to think of what to say. “I was raped.” The words came out of me, and I was pretty sure it was the first time I had spoken them. I’ve always skirted around the word ‘rape’ because I felt as though it didn’t apply to me. It didn’t apply to people like me. “That’s the first time I’ve ever actually said that.”
Darren didn’t speak. “Was it Mark? Is that why he was arrested?” At first, I nodded, but I realized he couldn’t see it. “Yeah.”
“You’re strong, Gibs. You’re alive. You made it through.” His tone was encouraging, but I still felt empty. “Who told whom?”
“What?”
“You said you were raped for the first time to me, then who told the police?” Darren was smart. Those Lynch kids were smart.
“Claire told everyone. Lizzie was talking about Caoimhe being a victim of Mark. And she just exploded and yelled it out.” I answered. Darren was quiet again. He was giving me space to rant. “And, lad, I understand she was your friend, but Caoimhe was the reason I never got help. I told her! I told her, and she brushed it off!” I lowered my voice when I realized I got too loud.
“She what?” Darren’s voice got serious.
“I told her Mark was hurting me, and she said I was just jealous and I shouldn’t tell lies. Then she walked in on him doing it, wrote me a bullshit letter, then fucking died.” My body filled with anger and resentment. Towards Caoimhe. Towards Mark. “Claire found it. And she told Lizzie and all of my friends, and now they all look at me with the saddest, most pathetic fucking sympathy, and everyone at school knows, and they whisper.”
“I’m sorry, Gibsie. That sounds terrible. I’m sorry Caoimhe did that to you. I wish… I wish we were better friends at that time. If she had told me… I could’ve helped you.” He sounded sympathetic, but it wasn’t with the same amount as my classmates’.
“I love Claire. I really do. She’s my world. I’ve loved her for as long as I can remember. But that was my secret! And now I feel… I feel…” I couldn’t finish my sentence. I couldn’t find the word.
“Resentful. That’s understandable. If I were you, I would talk to her about how it made you feel. If you’re struggling to communicate… Well, you might want to take a break. Figure yourself out without her. She might need that too.” Darren suggested.
“What? I couldn’t! She’s my fucking world! She has my heart, I can’t just leave her!” I hissed out. I ran my fingers through my curls, trying to calm myself down.
“Okay… It was just a suggestion. It seems like she was just doing what she thought would help you. You have to understand her perspective, and you have to understand hers.”
The front door creaked open. My mother stood there, dressed in a nightgown and her hair up in rollers.
“Gerard? Come inside. It’s freezing. What are you doing up?” She whispered. “Who are you talking to?”
I ignored my mother’s questions and order for a moment. “I have to go. Can we talk again soon? Maybe in person?”
“Yeah, of course. I’ll save your number.” Darren said. “Stay strong, Gibsie.”
“Bye.” I felt a little better. I couldn’t talk about any of this to any of the others. Not even Johnny. I couldn’t admit to them that I was angry at Claire. I didn’t want them to see the fucked up side of me as they did at the winter ball. It was better for everyone if they just saw Gibsie, not Gerard.
I entered the front door of the Kavanagh Mansion, passing Sookie with a pat. I spotted Johnny in the kitchen with the three youngest Lynch siblings, waiting for something to eat.
“Hey, Gibs.” Johnny frowned. “How did you get in here?”
I sighed and sat on a barstool next to Ollie, the nicest one. “You know I have a key. I’m just using it.”
“No, I did not know that.” He was making pancakes on a pan, and the three kids already had plates in front of them.
“Oi, fatty. You want some pancakes, too? I reckon Johnny can make two stone more of batter for you.” Tadhg joked.
“Shut up, little dickhead.” I whispered the last two words to myself.
“What did you say? Johnny, he said a bad word! He owes me money!” Ollie exclaimed.
“Money! I didn’t say anything!” I retorted. Ollie giggled.
“Gibs, do you want some pancakes?” Johnny asked me. I shook my head.
“Nah.” I scanned behind me, looking for any signs of Darren. “Is Darren home?”
“Uh, yeah, I think. Why?”
“No, I was just wondering.” I shrugged, brushing it off.
“Speak of the devil.” Johnny looked up, pressing his lips together in a smile at the person behind me. I turned my head to see Darren. His brown hair was cleaned up, and he had his hands in his jeans pockets.
“Hey, Gibs. Good afternoon, everyone. Breakfast for lunch, I see?” He peered at Johnny, sliding a pancake into Sean’s plate.
“Yay! Pancake!” Sean said, enthusiastically.
I looked at Darren, trying to read his face to tell if he had remembered our conversation two days ago and what I said at the end. He was almost impossible to read.
He pulled the car keys out of his pocket. “Want to go for a ride, Gibs?”
“Me! I want to go on a drive!” Tadhg raised his hand. “Can I drive?”
Darren chuckled. “Very funny. Absolutely not. That’s a death wish. Come on now, Gibsie.” He started to walk away, and I followed after him. I looked back at Johnny, who was confused and mouthed “What?” I shrugged. I just wanted to keep this to ourselves.
We got into Darren’s car, and we were both silent. This was awkward to say the least. The moment he turned on the car, ‘Like a Prayer’ by Madonna began to blast at almost full volume. Darren gasped a little and turned the volume all the way down. He awkwardly chuckled and smiled at me.
“Whoops.” He said. I let a little smile slip from my lips.
“You have good taste, lad,” I said. “Where are we going?”
“Um… Probably the store. I need to pick up a few things, and we can just sit down somewhere and talk if you’d like.” He responded. He drove out of the Kavanagh area.
“How was school like for you? After the… You know.” I asked, timidly.
“Well, a lot of people knew what happened, just because of the news and all. Not many people knew it was me. But when I started going to BCS, rumors spread as always. People started to say I was gay before I even knew I was.” He answered. “So, yeah, it was terrible. I was bullied, verbally harassed, stalked, all of those things.”
“Jesus.” I cursed. I was silently thankful that I went to Tommen instead of BCS. It would’ve been ten times worse if I did.
“The only place I wasn’t bullied was in my hurling team, mostly because I was the best player, but I still heard people talk about me.” Darren was focused on the road.
“Did you have a girlfriend or boyfriend? Anything like that?” I asked, mainly because I was curious about how a guy like him would get pussy.
“I had a crush on Caoimhe for a long time, and she had a crush on me. She kind of realized before I did that I was gay, so when I confessed, she told me and made me realize.” Darren pressed his lips together. “I feel betrayed by her, in a way. That she did that to you when she believed me. That fucking asshole…” He cursed, referring to Mark, I assumed. His jaw clenched. “But no boyfriend or girlfriend.”
“What did you think of him when they first started dating?”
“I stopped talking to her. I told her that he wasn’t good for her, and she ignored me. She was blinded by him completely, and it ruined our friendship and apparently your life too.”
I crossed my arms and looked out the window at the passing houses. “Yeah… but, I can’t help thinking about her. Lizzie says that it happened to Caoimhe, too. What if she’s right?” I wondered outloud.
“I don’t know. It’s possible.” His blue eyes were watery. He stopped the car, parked on the side of the road, and got out. He leaned on the car, rubbing his face. I got out of the car.
“I’m sorry, Darren.” I don’t know why I’m sorry, but he seemed really depressed about this whole thing. I figured it was needed. He shook his head.
“Don’t apologize. It’s not your fault.” He started to walk away, and I followed him once again. “You probably feel a lot of pressure to be good for people. To be what they want you to be. You just have to be yourself. Hiding will only make it worse.” He’s right, of course, but I still don’t know how to do that. We walked into a corner shop.
“What are we here for?” I picked up a bag of crisps from a shelf and threw it in a basket Darren was holding.
“I want snacks, obviously.” He threw in a box of biscuits. “Want some soda?” He pointed at the fridge filled with bottles.
“Darren?” Some behind us said. Darren kept on walking, his face like a statue.
“Don’t look back.” He muttered, his teeth clenched together. I listened, obviously. “Darren!” the man caught up to us. He was an Asian man of about his age. I might’ve seen him around since this is a small town, but I didn't recognize him.
“Jamie.” Darren finally said, his Adam’s apple bobbing.
“I heard about your parents. I’m sorry for your loss.” The man— Jamie — looked genuinely concerned, but Darren looked as if he didn’t care.
“Yeah.” I stood next to him, looking elsewhere and trying to avoid eye contact with either of them. I did not want to be roped into this conversation.
“Who’s this?” Jamie asked. I finally looked at him, flashing a smile.
“I’m his son. Nice to meet you.” I held out my hand, but Darren slapped it away.
“It was good to see you, Jamie. Bye now.” He said, patting me on the back, preparing me to run.
“Can we talk?” Jamie put his hands in his jacket pockets. “We didn’t end on good terms…”
“That was seven years ago, Jamie. I’m seeing someone. I have a partner.” He ended the conversation there, and we walked away to the cashier.
“My god, Darren Lynch, you saucy bitch.” I gasped, my jaw unhinged. “No boyfriend or girlfriend, my ass.” The cashier barely looked up.
Darren rolled his eyes. “Whatever. It was just three years of my life.”
“So who was that?” I leaned against the counter, opening the box of cookies Darren had not yet paid for.
“We started dating in high school. There’s not much to say. I suggested we could run away together, and he did not like that. He’s nothing like your Claire.” Darren paid, grabbed the bag, and thanked the cashier. Then we were on our way again.
We found ourselves on a park bench, alone and away from other people. The air was slightly chilly, but it wasn’t raining. It was quiet and what I needed.
“I don’t know what to do,” I admitted. “Everything feels different. The viper is quieter. Sometimes she doesn’t even come to school. I feel like something's wrong with her, but I don’t even care, I don’t think.” The truth was, I did care. I cared a lot about Lizzie. That girl used to be like a sister to me.
“The viper?”
“Lizzie.” I clarified.
“That’s not very nice,” Darren said. “I think underneath all of that, she’s a real sweet girl.” I couldn’t believe what he was saying. Lizzie had made my life a living hell with her sharp, hateful words.
“Yeah, a sweet girl who said I deserved to drown with my family and compares me to Mark,” I grumbled. Darren sighed.
“You two remind me of Joey and me. You shouldn’t let Mark ruin your friendship. And you should tell her that.” He advised. I couldn’t imagine we could go back to being friends after this.
“How did you cope with it all?” My voice went quiet.
“Lots of therapy. I do a lot of art because it helps my brain quiet down. Before that…” He cleared his throat. “Well, I used to cut myself. A lot. And it helped, but I couldn’t stop. Probably don’t do that.”
“So, you’re saying I should turn into Picasso.” I gathered. He snorted. “Whatever makes you feel good and is healthy coping.”
“Would you defend me? If it came time and if I needed help?” I looked at him. He gave me a small smile.
“Of course, Gibs. I get it. I’ve been you. It hurts a lot now, but you have to understand that you’re not responsible for what he did to you. It wasn’t your fault. You were a child. And you’re no less of a man because of it. Being scared of intimacy shouldn’t be emasculating, and no one should make you feel that way.” He assured me. I blinked back tears. “Your sexuality is something that can only be defined by you. It can’t be affected by anyone or anything else, no matter what others think or what you think.”
“Thank you.” I wondered how he knew all the right things to say. Because he knew exactly what I felt. But I realized this is what he wished someone would say to him when he was in my position.
“Can I call you again?”
“If it will help you, yes. Of course. I’ll be there to pick up.”