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When the video drops, Shane insists that they watch it together. He means to just pull it up on his phone, but Ilya demands they watch it on the flat screen in the living room, or not at all.
(“I deserve big screen, Hollander.”)
So they settle together on the couch as Shane looks up the video and deliberately ignores Ilya’s ribbing about his Recommended section.
“They are all cute, small animals or me. It is honor to be included with little bunnies,” Ilya says smugly at his side.
Shane doesn’t actually know much about how filming went or what’s included. He knows the interviewer asked Ilya about him, of course, but Ilya was tight-lipped on the questions and his answers. Ilya also didn’t watch the final edit, instead leaving the signoff to Yuna, so maybe they’re both in for a surprise.
“Ok, shut the fuck up. I found it,” he turns on the captions– as much for himself as for Ilya, because how does anyone watch anything without captions –and then sits back against Ilya’s arm to watch.
—
Transcript Excerpt from “Ilya Rozanov Takes a Lie Detector Test”:
[Offscreen] Interviewer: Ilya, do you know why you’re here today?
Ilya Rozanov: I am here to win at lying.
Video transitions with clips of the lie detector machine being set up and Ilya being strapped into the necessary equipment.
—
“Oh, so you were insufferable from the very start of the shoot?”
“No suffering! I am delight!”
—
Transcript Excerpt from “Ilya Rozanov Takes a Lie Detector Test”:
[Offscreen] Interviewer: Are you a better hockey player than this person?
Ilya Rozanov: Yes.
Interviewer: I haven’t given you the picture yet.
Ilya Rozanov: Does not matter. Answer is yes. Is stupid question. Obvious.
[Offscreen] Test Administrator: He is being truthful.
A full page image of Shane Hollander is slid across the table to Ilya, who barely glances at it.
Ilya Rozanov: I am speaking English, yes? I am better hockey player. Next question.
Ilya slaps his hand down directly on Shane Hollander’s face.
—
Shane rolls his eyes, “Asshole! Why are you covering my face!”
Ilya just turns to him with a sharp smile, the hand resting on Shane’s opposite shoulder lifting so his thumb can brush against Shane’s cheek, “Is too beautiful. Distracting.”
Shane flushes as Ilya continues his ministrations to his cheek. When Ilya sees this, he leans in closer and coos, “Moy sladkiy pomidor”.
“Your what tomato?” Shane’s brow furrows as he tries to place the word, and Ilya leans in further to give Shane’s scrunched nose a quick kiss, “My sweet tomato”.
—
Transcript Excerpt from “Ilya Rozanov Takes a Lie Detector Test”:
[Offscreen] Interviewer: It’s well known that you have a large tattoo of a bear on your chest. Is it for the Boston Bears?
Ilya Rozanov: (His face scrunches in indignance and he leans forward) No! Is not for them! Is for Russia! I had before draft, even!
[Offscreen] Test Administrator: It’s inconclusive.
Ilya throws his hands in the air in frustration and turns to glare at the test administrator.
Ilya Rozanov: Is lie. Lie machine is lying.
Interviewer: Now that you have joined a new team, will you be getting any tattoos to commemorate this?
Ilya Rozanov: (He reluctantly stops glaring at the test administrator and turns back to the interviewer) I have new tattoo plans, yes. Not for Centaurs. I want Canadian bird that sounds like wolf.
Interviewer: A bird that sounds like a wolf?
Ilya Rozanov: Yes. Is called Loon. Very stupid bird.
Interviewer: You want a tattoo of a bird you think is stupid?
Ilya Rozanov: Yes.
Interviewer: Can you elaborate?
Ilya Rozanov: What is... elab-oh-rate?
Interviewer: Explain.
Ilya Rozanov: (He perks up) Ah! No.
Video begins to slowly zoom in on Ilya while he sits in silence for at least a full minute, then winks directly at the camera.
—
“I didn’t know you were planning on getting a Loon tattoo,” Shane rests his head on Ilya’s shoulder and gazes up at him.
Ilya’s shrug has Shane’s forehead brushing against his cheek, “I cannot say I want tattoo that says ‘I love Shane Hollander’, so. Bird.”
Shane snorts, “You would not get a tattoo that says you love me”.
“Across my ass,” Ilya nods very seriously, “or ‘Shane Hollander is love of my life’. Shane’s response of burying his face in his hands and then burrowing deeper into Ilya’s side to hide his rapidly pinking face only makes the Russian man smile more.
Muffled through his hands, Shane mutters, “All that wouldn’t fit on your ass.”
Ilya’s mouth drops open, offended, “I have big ass! Is plenty of space for my love!”
—
Transcript Excerpt from “Ilya Rozanov Takes a Lie Detector Test”:
[Offscreen] Interviewer: Circling back to this person, (She slides the same full page image of Shane Hollander across the table to Ilya) how would you describe your relationship with him?
Ilya Rozanov: (He startles a bit at the question) Relationship? I hate this man.
[Offscreen] Test Administrator: The machine is detecting some deception.
Ilya Rozanov: Ha. Was joke! (He pauses) We are foundation co-founders, very friendly. You think would make him better hockey player, to associate with me, but (he tsks).
Interviewer: Is your friendship just you two constantly competing about hockey?
Ilya Rozanov: Oh, yes. (He nods repeatedly)
Test Administrator: He’s being truthful.
Video cuts to new clip. The picture of Shane Hollander is still at Ilya’s side.
Interviewer: Would you say you have more charisma than this person?
Ilya Rozanov: (He squints in confusion) I do not know this word. But yes. Probably yes.
Interviewer: It means charm, or appeal. Someone who inspires loyalty.
Ilya Rozanov: (He scoffs) Yes. I am more charisma, for sure. Sha– Hollander does not know how to charm. He is too honest. (Ilya seems lost in thought. A sweet, slow smile starts to spread on his face before he catches himself and the smile becomes more like his usual mischievous smirk) Is very funny.
Interviewer: So you would say he isn’t charming then?
Ilya Rozanov: (Another pause) He is, but is like… as accident. (Ilya looks at the table as he responds) You tell joke, and he answers honest, is so… pure. (Ilya quickly straightens and looks back to the interviewer) Is why he does press for foundation. (He winks) People want to give money to sweet hockey player who is bad liar.
—
When Ilya glances over at Shane for his reaction, Shane is giving him an exasperatedly fond look. “I am not a bad liar,” he says primly.
Ilya just blinks at him, “Ok, moy lyubimyy.”
“I’m not!”
—
Transcript Excerpt from “Ilya Rozanov Takes a Lie Detector Test”:
[Offscreen] Interviewer: Do you know this person?
A full page image of Hayden Pike is slid across the table to Ilya, who inhales deeply while picking up the picture to squint at it.
Ilya Rozanov: No idea who this man is. (He puts down the picture and slides it back towards the interviewer. It stays on the table.)
[Offscreen] Test Administrator: It’s inconclusive.
Interviewer: This is Hayden Pike. You’ve played against Montreal many times in your career.
Ilya Rozanov: (He takes a deep calming breath and settles more into his seat) His wife and children are all angels but I do not know this man.
[Offscreen] Test Administrator: The machine is showing– … he’s… being truthful?
Ilya Rozanov: (He stares directly into the camera, entirely calm. His face slowly breaks into a smug smile as the camera silently zooms in)
—
“You didn’t tell me they asked you anything about Hayden!”
Burying his head in Shane’s neck, Ilya laments, “I try not to remember. Was terrible time.”
“Asshole,” Shane pauses mid headshake and narrows his eyes at Ilya, “Should I be concerned that you can apparently beat a lie detector test?”
“Why would you be concerned, Hollander? You plan to give me one?” Ilya snorts as he lifts his head from Shane’s neck and traces soft fingers over Shane’s cheek, “Is no matter, your beautiful freckles and baby animal eyes are too powerful. Stronger than lie machine.”
Shane buries his head against Ilya’s shoulder with a “Fuck off”. The effect is softened, however, when Shane follows it up with a quick kiss to Ilya’s upper arm.
—
Transcript Excerpt from “Ilya Rozanov Takes a Lie Detector Test”:
[Offscreen] Interviewer: Last question. At any point in this interview did you lie and we didn’t catch you?
Ilya Rozanov: (He heaves a deep sigh as if very inconvenienced) Ok, you catch me. I do know Hayden Pike. Is very hard thing for me.
[Offscreen] Test Administrator: He’s being truthful.
Ilya Rozanov: (He flings the back of his palm against his forehead in exaggerated sorrow) Awful!
—
“They didn’t ask you any pop culture questions! What the fuck,” Shane exclaims when the video ends.
“Is because I know the answers. Not like you who lives in cave.”
“I don’t live in a cave, there’s plenty of windows in here! I just have other interests.”
Ilya squeezes the back of Shane’s neck and gives a quick pet to the back of his head, “Hockey is your only interest. And me.” He brings his face closer again so their noses are brushing and their lips brush when he continues with “Is why you are so good at these things.”
Shane, distracted, takes a moment to respond, “I’m good at you?”
Ilya hums in affirmation. “Da. Yes. I might need reminder though,” he pecks Shane on the mouth and then leans back, but Shane chases his mouth.
“I can do that.”