Chapter Text
Another game; another victory party. Neil stood in a loose semi-circle of his teammates watching the other Foxes and Vixens quickly progress towards their inevitable hangovers. Neil as usual was hovering on the outskirts, pulled in two directions just as he had from the moment he was given the choice to stay.
He loved his teammates, his newfound family, but Andrew’s pull was stronger. He could be content to watch his friends party all night, but knowing that Andrew was somewhere else was a weight on his mind. Neil wasn’t sure how he became the type of person that could easily spend every waking moment with another person—granted before she had died, he was with his mother most of the time. But this was different. Andrew had a way of making him feel like the whole world disappeared and when he wasn’t nearby the world felt too bright and loud and large.
Having spent a little over an hour celebrating with the others, Neil was about to make a hasty retreat when he caught sight of Aaron and Katelyn. She was trying to convince Aaron to dance with her. He was shaking his head no, but his barely concealed smile said he was just being difficult. Katelyn pouted and Aaron leaned down with a smirk on his lips. Neil, who had been mesmerized by the interaction quickly cast his eyes down and away.
“Hetero love,” Nicky said with a slight shiver, “don’t worry Neil, it grosses me out too.” Nicky shook his head affecting derision. They stood near the entrance to the downstairs study room of Fox tower with Dan, Allison, and Renee.
Neil’s gaze stayed on the floor, his ears turning faintly red at the tips. He contemplated if and how much to explain, but before he could make a decision he heard Allison snort. “Gawwwd Nicky you are so dense sometimes.”
Nicky looked affronted. “What?! Neil looks away every time Aaron kisses his little bundle of school spirit. I can’t be the first to notice.”
“Nicky! They’re twins!” Dan rolled her eyes, slightly exasperated.
Nicky still seemed to be grasping. He was perhaps drunker than any of them had accounted for.
Renee put her hand on Nicky’s shoulder, “Aaron looks like Andrew.”
“Yeeeeah... and?”
Renee continued patiently, “It wouldn’t matter if it was Katelyn or a boy, when Aaron kisses someone…”
Realization dawned on Nicky. “…Neil sees Andrew… Oh man Neil. I’m sorry. I really am dense.”
Neil still wasn’t meeting any of their eyes but he had to admit he was touched knowing that the girls had noticed his behavior and were understanding. “To be honest it’s worse seeing him smile like it’s the easiest thing in the world...” The girls, who had been quietly laughing at Nicky’s expense, stopped abruptly.
Allison was the first to regain her composure. “Neil that is so fucked up.” With all eyes on Neil and Neil’s eyes on the ground, no one noticed the black clad figure that approached the open door of the study room but turned quickly to leave.
Neil cleared his throat, still embarrassed by his admission, “I should really…”
Nicky gave what he thought was probably an encouraging smile, but what looked more like a grimace, and put a ¾ full bottle of whiskey in Neil’s hand. “Of course. I’m surprised you stayed this long. Tell Andrew I say hello. Or you know…don’t…”
Neil smiled awkwardly and glanced around the faces of the girls. Allison and Dan looked pitying but Renee just seemed sympathetic. Still, if he hadn’t already been trying to leave, this focus would have made him bolt so he made a hasty exit.
It felt like both a moment and an eternity before he was on the roof. The telltale glow of a tiny red ember lead him to his destination and he sat down bodily next to the shorter boy, sighing.
“That bad?” Andrew asked, seeming to feign interest.
Neil couldn’t be sure, but Andrew seemed to be on edge.
“Fine just…Nicky.”
Andrew didn’t react.
“What’s up?” Neil said, finally breaking the silence that had stretched out between them. It was so unlike the comfortable silence that they usually shared.
“Look at that. Being all sweet and worrying about me. Looking to make me smile Neil?” There was a glint in Andrew’s eye that Neil hadn’t seen in a long time. He almost gasped at the abruptness of the accusation. “How…?”
“You were taking too long. I came looking for you.” Andrew affected boredom and turned away to look out across campus. Neil knew better.
“You came down to look for me?”
“I no longer underestimate your ability to get into trouble. That’s not the point.”
“You missed me.” Neil breathed. It wasn’t a question it was a huge realization. He wasn’t an idiot he knew how Andrew felt—at least most of the time—but Andrew rarely acted in a way to make his feelings so obvious. He knew that this was not the conversation Andrew wanted to be having, would never want to have, but he couldn’t help but wonder. “If we hadn’t been talking about you? Would you have stayed?”
“Guess we’ll never know.” He took a long drag of his cigarette.
They were quiet for a long time while Neil tried to think of the right thing to say, or even anything to say. Anyone would be right to be angry but for Andrew he knew this was worse. Andrew was incredibly private. Allison liked to pretend it was a front to defend his bad boy reputation but Neil knew better.
“I could go back on the happy pills if it really bothers you that much.” Neil knew that was a bluff and it hurt. Neil knew how much Andrew hated his medication. Neil hated it too, but Andrew would never sacrifice that much for him even if he asked. And Neil told him so.
“You hate them more than you hate me.” Andrew raised an eyebrow but otherwise his face was stony. “And I hated seeing you on them. You may have smiled more, but you weren’t happy. I don’t care that you don’t smile or act like everyone else. What matters to me is that you’re happy. Seeing Aaron do everything so easily hurts because its in juxtaposition to how difficult everything is for you. But it’s not entirely selfless.”
Andrew slid his eyes towards Neil’s face with that angry fire behind them like he expected this.
“People talk about us. They say what we have is unhealthy. They say you’re no good for me. That I’m to good for a monster like you.” Anyone but Neil would have missed the slight flinch but Neil had catalogued every micro expression like he was learning a new language. He guessed maybe in a way he was.
“They don’t even realize they’ve got it backwards. They don’t know you like I do. They don’t see how protective you are of the people that matter to you and I honestly feel bad for them.” He paused for a breath, looking down at his hands.
“This is the healthiest relationship I have ever been in. I know that isn’t saying much and I know you hate labeling it but I just wish other people could see it. How good you are for me. I don’t deserve this pedestal they’ve put me on.” Neil had spoken so fast and with such emotion he was panting slightly.
Andrew glanced at him skeptically, “Aren’t you supposed to be an athlete?”
They were quiet for a long time; tension still electrifying the air between them. Andrew lazily moved his cigarette from his right hand to his left and splayed his free hand on the concrete inches from Neil’s own.
Neil knew better than to take that as the invitation it seemed. “Yes or no?”
“No.”
Neil couldn’t help wincing even though he expected the answer. Andrew rarely said no to him, even when he didn’t say yes he often said “later” or “not here moron.” This was a test and Neil had passed.
Moments later Andrew proved him right. He motioned between them with his hand, only looking at Neil through the very corner of his eye, expression still stony. “This was never going to change me and fuck you for thinking otherwise. I’m not some problem you can fix and you sure as hell aren’t some fairytale prince that can save me with a kiss.”
If the situation weren’t so serious Neil would have laughed at that image; him as Prince charming and Andrew as sleeping beauty. “I don’t want to fix you and even if I did, I couldn’t because there is nothing to fix.”
Andrew went rigid.
“Don’t you get it? I don’t want us to change. I want the whole world to. How come a frat boy pressuring his freshman girlfriend into losing her virginity to him is a healthy relationship and “normal,” but everyone thinks our relationship is abusive?” Neil ran his hand through his hair sighing in frustration. “I just hate the way people talk about you. They don’t know what you’re like and,” he seemed to consider, “fuck I don’t really think they deserve to. “ He ran his hand through his hair again but stopped at the back and tugged while he tried to calm his breathing.
Eventually he felt cool fingers touching his hand. He released his hair and looked into Andrews face questioningly. Andrew wasn’t looking at him but he said “yes.” And Neil gripped his hand like a lifeline.
“Andrew.” He still didn’t turn but he took a drag from his cigarette still using his left hand. “Are you happy?”
“not at this particular moment…” Neil smiled in spite himself because that was so close to a yes that he knew he was out of the woods, or at least almost.
“But when I am not being a moron?”
“You are never not a moron.”
Neil chuckled and decided to push his luck. “But I’m your moron.”
Andrew rolled his eyes but Neil’s trick paid off as Andrew tugged on his hand enough to pull him off balance so that he was leaning into Andrew’s shoulder.
After an indeterminable time of comfortable silence Andrew spoke. “So seeing my brother kissing the cheerleader bothers you.”
It wasn’t a question but Neil felt the need to answer anyway. “yes.”
Andrew craned his neck to look into Neil’s face. The angle must have been uncomfortable but Neil was unwilling to give up the contact. Andrew’s eyes searched his face and their lips were so close they were almost kissing. Andrews eyes darted to his mouth and breathed “yes or no” in a husky voice.
Neil’s eyelids drooped instantly and he bit his lower lip slightly before answering, “yes.”
Andrew carded his right hand into Neil’s hair and smashed their mouths together.