Work Text:
“Hey Bits?”
Bitty obviously hadn't heard Dex come in over the music currently blasting in the kitchen (Crazy In Love), and jumped at the sound of his voice. No one else was home yet, but Jack and Shitty were coming over soon.
“Dex, sweetheart, you nearly gave me a heart attack!” Bitty gasped as he fiddled with the Bluetooth speakers on the counter. Once Beyoncé wasn't as loud, Dex could actually hear himself think.
Apparently, so could Bitty, because he took one good look at the redhead and turned the music all the way off.
“Aw, Dex, c'mere, let it all out,” the tiny baker cooed. He pulled Dex into the tightest hug he'd ever experienced--not that Dex was complaining, it was really nice--and whispered soft reassurances to him until he was slightly less frazzled. “Now. What's got you all wound up?”
Dex took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Bitty, I have anxiety.”
The blond looked up at Dex, who couldn't seem to make eye contact at the moment, and hugged him again, somehow tighter. “Sweetheart, I know. Not everyone's anxiety manifests as hyperventilatin’ and rocking back and forth. Yours happens to manifest as increased irritability and unexplained anger.”
Tears started to well up in Dex’s eyes. No one had ever--everyone always thought he was just a major dick.
“I have enough experience with someone else who has anxiety to know it when I see it,” Bitty added.
“I, uh...you're talking about Jack, right? He sort of talked to me about it last year, and told me that, like, medication wasn't for everyone, but it might be a solution for me as long as I didn't become super dependent on it, and he made sure I knew I wasn't alone even if I felt like I was,” Dex stuttered out.
“That boy,” Bitty said with a fond smile and a small shake of his head. “Yeah, I'm talking about Jack. He was so scared for so long, and when I met him he pushed me away so quickly that I thought he hated me.”
Something clicked for Dex. “Oh god. That's why Nursey hates me, isn't it? I'm an asshole.”
The door to the Haus creaked open behind them. “I'm not interrupting something important, am I?” Oh, good, it was just Jack.
“No, um, you already know part of it, so…” Dex trailed off.
Bitty's eyes flicked up to Jack, and back to Dex, before tackling the Canadian in a hug that ended with Bitty lifted up off the floor and then set gently back down. Dex filed that information away to be thought about later. That was a very Gay HugTM.
“Bitty, I want to tell you, um, why I have anxiety. After I talked to Jack last year I talked to the campus counselor a couple times and that helped a lot,” the redhead said quietly.
“William Poindexter, you don't have to explain anything to me, it's all right,” Bitty assured him. “You should never feel like you have to explain yourself to anyone.”
“No, Bits, it's fine. I really need to be able to talk to someone other than the counselor...I'm gay. And this isn't a sexuality crisis thing, that happened in a middle school locker room, but I knew I couldn't tell my parents, so I just agreed with all their opinions and kept my mouth shut. And then I started looking at colleges, and Samwell looked like such a great place. I thought, maybe if I go to Samwell, I can learn all the stuff my parents kept me away from.
“But every time I ask a question, I've got Lardo glaring at me and Shitty lecturing me and Derek-fucking-Nurse telling me I need to chill, and I just--” Dex’s words got stuck in his throat, and tears streamed down his face.
“It's like there's Billy, the kid who goes home and listens and nods when his parents talk, and Dex, the token republican jackass that everybody hates, and I'm not either of them but I don't know h-how to actually be me because people have made up their minds as to what I am already so I can't possibly be any different.”
“Oh, Dex,” Bitty cried, flinging himself at the younger boy again. “I'm so, so sorry that you have to go through that. If you want to be yourself around someone, it can be me, if you want. And thank you, for trusting us with this.”
Dex tightened his arms around Bitty. “Thanks, it means a lot.”
Jack placed a comforting hand on Dex’s shoulder that wasn't occupied by Bitty’s head. No one noticed the front door opening and closing, or the person who took one glance in the kitchen and walked right back out. “I can talk to Shitty, if you want.”
“And just wait until I get a hold of Nursey!” Bitty laughed. “Gosh, I know Nursey likes to poke fun at you sometimes, but he needs to be a little more understanding. And I know you don't like him much--”
“Uhm,” Dex coughed. He didn't really dislike Nursey. He sort of really really liked Nursey.
Bitty jerked away from Dex and looked at him with wide eyes before pulling him back into an even tighter embrace.
“Oh, Dex!”
Nursey wasn't sure what was going on when he got to the Haus, but he knew better than to just barge in on Bitty, Jack, and Dex like that, so the minute he'd seen the southern baker hug Dex, he was gone. Poindexter may be infuriating (ok, so maybe he liked to fight with him a little) but that didn't mean he didn't deserve to have whatever moment Nursey’d seen. He really didn't expect him to be hugging Bitty of all people, though. Republicans and small gay figure skaters didn't usually get along well.
He didn't dwell on it too much. It wasn't his business, so it was chill.
Except, it totally wasn't chill. He'd only ever seen Dex as a total jerk who asked a lot of ignorant questions, not someone who had real feelings and cried on Bitty’s shoulder. He hadn't known Dex to be capable of showing such raw emotion that wasn't anger.
He really wanted to know what was wrong...Dex was pretty upset, from what he'd seen. But there wasn't a good way to ask without upsetting him more.
‘Dex, I saw you crying in the kitchen. Are you ok?’
‘Hey man, what's up? Any major emotional problems currently?’
Yeah, that definitely wouldn't work. Dex would probably punch him in the face.
So when Bitty pulled him into the kitchen a week later, Nursey was a little relieved. He sat Nursey down at the table and slid a piece of pie and a fork to him.
“Nursey, I was wondering if maybe we could talk about how you and Dex have been lately,” Bitty began. Derek only nodded in response, so he continued. “Dex has been having a real hard time, for a while now, and he came to me about it and I just wanted to ask if you could go a little easy on him. I know he comes across differently than he wants to, and he really doesn't understand things and just wants someone to explain things to him.”
“If he's really stressed I could probably be a little more chill,” Derek mumbled.
Bitty cringed. “Maybe avoid the word chill? I don't know how familiar you are with anxiety disorders but usually chill is a bad word to use with someone who has one.”
Oh man. Nursey felt like a complete and total ass. How many times had Dex's anxiety been really bad and he just told him to chill? If he would have known, he wouldn't have done it, but that didn't make it any better since he already had. No wonder Poindexter hated him so much; he'd made him feel even worse.
Nursey’s head fell down to the table and he groaned. “I’m horrible.”
Bitty seemed to realize what he'd let slip, turning red. “You can't tell him that I told you. I really don't want to hurt Dex more, ‘cause he's been through a lot already and I was supposed to be someone he could talk to,” Bitty fast-talked. It wasn't like Derek was going to go tell Dex anyway.
“I won’t, Bits. I promise. I don't want to hurt Dex either.”
Nursey was being weird. Dex didn't know what was up, but his fellow D-man was acting a lot nicer to him, and he didn't like it. He wanted things to stay the same between them. Bickering was normal. It was a constant in his life at Samwell, and having a routine helped him feel a little better.
It wasn't like Dex didn't want to be friends with Nursey. And they sort of already were, in their own weird way. But he didn't want Nursey to start acting differently around him, he was used to having someone to argue with.
A few weeks after his talk with Bitty and Jack, Dex had had enough. He was going to go confront Nurse and--OH. That was it. His talk with Bitty and Jack. Bitty had said something to Nursey and now he was trying to be nicer to Dex. He felt like a moron for not figuring it out sooner...but now he wanted to know what Bitty had said to Nursey.
He waited until after practice, showering and changing way too slowly. Nurse had developed a habit of waiting around for Dex to be done, and did just that.
“Bro, what’s taking so long?” the D-man practically whined, or what Dex interpreted as whining. Nursey tried to be fairly even-toned at all times.
“Honestly? I had something to ask you and I thought it would be easiest to do it here,” Dex said truthfully. No reason to argue right now.
“Oh. That's chi--what did you need to ask?”
“I was wondering what Bitty told you. I knew he was going to say something but I don't know what,” Dex told him, trying to remain as similarly even keel. “So, uh, what did Bitty talk to you about?”
“You?” Nursey croaked, “I mean, he just said you were having a rough time and I was making it worse, and I needed to ch--not do that. Which I'm really sorry for, by the way. I didn't mean to make you feel worse but I did and I can't take it back but I can try to do better from now on.”
“Thanks,” Dex sighed. “But you don't have to treat me like I'm made of glass. I can still handle a little chirping, I won't break. I don't want to be treated differently, I guess I just want it to be acknowledged that I have limits and not go past them.”
“This is a surprisingly mature conversation for us,” Nursey laughed. And god, that was a pretty sound. Dex felt so capital-G Gay for doing this half naked in the locker room.
“I guess it is. So that was all Bitty told you? That I was stressed. He didn't mention why or anything?”
“Ok, he asked me not to tell you but he kind of let it slip that you have anxiety?” Nursey admitted.
“That's fine, I don't mind you knowing, I think. If it helps us get along like this, it's good that you know.”
Nursey shook his head. “I feel like such a dick for not realizing the effect I was having on you though. I thought you were just really mad all the time.”
“I am. But it has a cause. Which isn't an excuse for yelling at you so much, more of an explanation, I guess.” Dex finally had the presence of mind to put on a shirt, and moved toward the door.
“You can yell at me all you want,” Nursey said, walking beside Dex. That almost, almost sounded like flirting, but Dex didn't want to be too hopeful.
Dex failed to keep his face from flushing, but Nursey didn't mention it. “Time and place, Nurse. I'll fight you.”
Nursey laughed again, that heavenly sound that did Things to Dex. “You think you can handle me in a fight? I was the only openly queer kid at a prep school, I've been in more fights than you can count.”
Dex envied how casually Nursey could say that, how easily it rolled off his tongue, how he could use that word and not have to think of an angry, drunken Irishman talking about how the queers were all going to hell. He was jealous of Nursey being able to just drop a mention of his sexuality into a conversation like it wasn't a huge deal. It was such a big thing for Dex. And here was Derek Nurse, acting like it was the simplest thing in the world.
“Hey, Poindexter, are you still with me?” Nursey chuckled awkwardly. “I didn't think talking about sexuality would make you bug out like this.”
“I don't like that word. I-I’ve heard it too much, and not used the way you used it,” Dex mumbled.
Nursey stopped walking, so Dex did too. When had they gotten outside? He couldn't remember. “Shit. Dex--no. Will. Are you gay?”
Dex didn't answer. “You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but if I said something that makes you uncomfortable I'd like to know so I don't do it again.”
“I, uh. Yeah.” Everything around Dex looked sharper. He couldn’t seem to think about anything that wasn't Nursey being mad at him. Nursey probably hated him. Nursey was disgusted with him. Nursey knew he had a stupid gay crush on him.
“Hey man, your breathing’s a little off,” Nursey commented. “Ok, ok. I think you're having panic attack. Can I help you sit down? There’s a bench right here.”
Dex nodded. Nursey put a hand on his shoulder and guided him to the bench.
“Alright, so can you curl your toes up? Just for a few seconds.” Nursey’s voice was so calm, but Dex still felt scared of it. He listened anyway, tensing up his toes and holding it for a moment.
“Can you flex every muscle in your foot now?” Again, Dex complied. All he could think about was that word, his dad, and Nursey, realizing how he felt and laughing at him. “How about your calves?”
Nursey continued to talk him through tensing and untensing all of his muscles, but Dex still wasn't doing any better. “Ok, do you know that five things you can see thing?” The redhead nodded. “Let's do that.”
“I see...people walking to class. And a goose. And, um, clouds. It looks like it's going to rain I think.” Dex turned his head the other way. “I see Faber, and...that tree. The short one.”
Nursey moved his hand from Dex’s shoulder, where it had been almost the whole time, to his hand. “Four things you can touch?” he asked.
“The bench, and the ground,” Dex said, picking his feet up and putting them back down, hard. “My shirt. Oh, and you.”
“What about three things you can hear?” Nursey asked as he squeezed Dex’s hand. The redhead squeezed back and closed his eyes.
“I hear two girls over there talking, and there's a bird somewhere, and I think I hear the river too.” When Dex opened his eyes, he looked like he was feeling better.
“That's good. Two things you can smell.”
Dex took in a deep breath. “Shampoo. And grass. I think the maintenance people just cut it.”
“Alright, last one; one thing you can taste?”
“Blue Gatorade,” Dex told him. “I feel a little better now.”
Nursey was still holding his hand. Why was Nursey still holding his hand? “Who all knows?” Knows what? About his anxiety? No, Dex thought. He means who knows about the gay thing.
“Bitty and Jack, and you now,” Dex said. “Bitty and Jack are the first people I've ever come out to. I figured Bitty would understand what it’s like, growing up in an environment that wasn't very...friendly, for people like us. Jack was just kind of there.” He didn't mention that he was almost positive that Jack was gay too.
“I guess I don't understand that. I have two moms. That's the exact opposite of homophobic parents,” Nursey laughed awkwardly. “But at Andover, it was a lot different, with all the messed up closet case boys that wanted to hook up with me and then call me names the next day. And if I never hear another offer for a threesome with a football player and his girlfriend, it'll be too soon.”
“I thought about telling Ransom and Holster, but I figured they would want to know if I liked anyone on the team.”
“Do you?” Dex’s face grew red (well, redder). Of course Nursey would ask that.
His first instinct was anger. “No!” he bit out, lips drawing back into a snarl. The second he'd said it, he wanted to punch himself. He didn't need to snap at Nursey over a dumb question.
“Methinks the lady doth protest too much,” Nursey teased. He was grinning now, an actual ray of sunshine and it was burning Dex to be so close to it. And he was still holding Dex’s hand.
“Fuck you,” Dex groaned, bringing his free hand to pinch the bridge of his nose.
“I mean, if you want to,” Nursey said, completely--dare Dex say it--chill. Far too chill for what he was implying.
“Ha, no thanks,” Dex grumbled. You're way out of my league anyway.
“Oh am I?” Shit. He totally just said that out loud. He just admitted to thinking Derek Nurse was hot, to Derek Nurse. Why was this his life? “I don't think so. I think you're very pretty.”
“You're an English major and the best thing you can come up with is pretty?”
Nursey laughed, loudly. “Ok, how about gorgeous? Flawless? Redheaded, freckled Adonis? I've got more. You're the living embodiment of Fall, with your hair like leaves and your eyes that look like the sunset. You've got constellations on your skin--Shitty would say you're a fucking beaut. Oh, oh, you're a lobster. That's it. You're my lobster!”
“Did you just quote Friends?” Dex chuckled. He glanced down at their linked hands, thinking about the whole lobster thing. How they hold claws in the tank when they're old.
“Indirectly? You're also very red and an actual lobster fisherman, so I thought lobster was fitting,” Nursey admitted. “So. If you think I'm so out of your league, which is ridiculous, does that mean you like me?”
“If I'm your lobster, does that mean you like me back?”
“That's not an answer, Will,” Nursey murmured.
Will, huh. With Nursey--with Derek, Dex could be Will.
Will kissed Derek.
There were people everywhere. Jack and Shitty were both visiting again, so obviously they had to throw the kegster to end all kegsters. Will had Nursey Patrol for the evening, which was just fine with him. After The Incident outside of Faber, they had been inseparable, much to Chowder’s delight. The goalie was over the moon. His best friends were getting along, what could be better?
Well, he'd probably be a lot more excited if he knew they were dating, but they weren't really telling people about that yet.
Currently, Nursey had only had one drink so far, and his dork of a boyfriend was laughing about something he had just said that he honestly couldn't remember. He was focused more on Bitty, their tiny, sweet Bitty, pressed against Jack Zimmermann. NHL player, hockey-sexual Jack. The makeshift dance floor in the living room was packed, but no one had noticed them dancing together yet.
Nursey needed to do something, fast. If Jack and Bitty were together, they obviously hadn't told anyone. And if they hadn't, that meant they didn't want to. If they were both drunk enough to dance in front of a Haus full of people--uncommon, but not entirely impossible for Jack and very common for Bitty--they needed someone to cover for them.
Dex stopped mid sentence. Apparently he'd seen the couple in living room as well.
“Dance with me,” Nursey blurted out. “If anyone on the team sees us they'll be distracted so they don't notice.”
Will nodded. “Solid plan, bro. But we have to be, um, more into it than Bitty, so we draw more attention. If that's possible.”
“I think I can do that,” Derek purred, grabbing Will by the wrist and pulling him into the middle of the sea of drunk teenagers and twenty-somethings.
One second, they were standing awkwardly still, and the next, Will had his hands on Derek’s hips. Said hips were doing some very lewd things to the beat of the song, and Dex didn't know how he was keeping up.
It was a lot of fun, actually. Nursey almost forgot they were doing this to keep people from seeing Jack and Bitty. Almost.
“Whoa! Dex, my bro, you're supposed to be keeping Nursey from getting schwasted and doing stupid shit, not getting both of you schwasted and encouraging stupid shit,” Holster shouted. He and Ransom had just come around the corner; now they were pulling Nursey off of Dex.
“Dude, chill. I’ve had one beer, thank you very much,” Derek protested. “Why do I have to be shitfaced to want to dance with Dex?”
“Yeah, what he said,” Will inputted. The pair of D-men released one very unchill Derek Nurse, stepped back, and surveyed their younger counterparts.
“Bro. Bro. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?” Ransom stage-whispered to his fellow defenseman.
“I do believe I am, Ransom, light of my fucking life,” Holster replied. “You two are totally boning! Congrats on the sex, bros.”
That just had to be when Chowder walked up.
“What??? Are you guys dating??? Oh my gosh! I'm so happy for you guys! I kind of hoped you might end up together but I didn't want to, like, assume your sexualities or anything? But I guess I was right so I don't think it matter. By the way, what are you guys’ sexualities? Unless you don't want to tell me, because that's totally cool. Oh! Wait until I tell Caitlin!!! She thinks you guys are really cute together and--”
“C, breathe,” Nursey interrupted Chowder’s exuberant ramble. “You're going to pass out.”
“You beautiful fuckers!” Aaaand that would be Shitty. “I'm so proud of you kids, getting your shit together. You're all so fucking gay and beautiful and I love all of you.”
“But I thought they hated each other? I have so many questions.” Oh, and Tango, too.
It was then that Nursey noticed how red Dex had turned. In successfully creating a diversion for Jack and Bitty, they had both just come out to the entire team. Dex was probably super uncomfortable, possibly even on the verge of a panic attack.
Meanwhile, the hokey robot and the tiny baker had slipped up the stairs undetected. Now it was time for Nursey and Will to make their own escape.
“Do you want to get out of here?” Nursey asked Dex, loud enough that he could hear it but quiet enough that the small circle of hockey players (and one law student) around them couldn't.
“Yeah,” Dex answered, mouthing it more than actually saying it.
Derek nodded and took Dex’s hand. “As much as I enjoy coming out via dance, I have a poetry quiz tomorrow, so we’re going to head back to our dorms,” he lied. Anything to get his boyfriend to a quieter, safer place.
“Use protection!” Someone (Shitty) yelled after them as they made their way to the door.
Once the door to Nursey’s dorm had closed, Dex was on him immediately. He wrapped himself tightly around Derek and didn't let go for what felt like hours.
“I know you probably didn't want to come out like that but I'm really proud of you and I know the guys are too,” Nursey murmured into Dex’s neck. “And that was really cool of you to be so willing to do something like that for Bitty.”
“It was your idea,” Dex sniffed. “I don't think I mind the team knowing. I-I just--it was a lot. A lot, all at once, and everyone was so excited and loud and it was too much.”
“It was too much for my tiny boyfriend,” Nursey said lightly.
“We are literally exactly the same size,” Will groaned, loosening his grip on Derek enough to look him in the eye. “I am not small.”
“So tiny,” Nursey chirped, but it was dripping with so much affection that Dex couldn't bring himself to turn it into an argument. Well, he was also really tired and Sleepy Will didn't have as much fight in him as Regular Will.
“Just shut up. It's too late for this shit.”
“Baaabe. You're so small. Tiny--little. Little Will. Little Bill!!” Nursey giggled, stepping back from Dex and flopping onto the bed.
“Ok, how are you this sloshed from one beer?” Will asked. He threw himself down next to his ridiculous boyfriend. “You weren't this drunk five minutes ago.”
“I'm not drunk, I just like annoying you,” Nursey laughed. “It makes you turn all red, and you're cute when you're all red. You're a lobster.”
Dex grabbed vaguely in the direction of Nursey’s hand, somehow managing to intertwine their fingers. Derek squeezed his hand and moved in closer. There wasn't much room for two hockey players on a twin XL to begin with, but he found a way to get even less space between them.
“You're a tiny gay lobster and I love you,” Nursey yawned.
And um, Holy Shit? That was the first time he--fuck. Of course Derek would find away to make into a (pretty lame) chirp.
“I love you too, you fucking human disaster.”