Chapter Text
Shane's foot bounced nervously up and down. When Ilya noticed, he took Shane's hand in his and stroked his thumb with his own. He would have liked to do more, but he was just as nervous as Shane.
When they had been here two days earlier, it had been an overwhelming day for both of them. The woman had shoved a stack of documents in front of them and said, "There are several children who could be a match.
In here you'll find some information about the children. Not just their names and ages, but also a lot about their personalities." Ilya's gaze wandered from the stack to the woman and back again.
Was this really how adoption worked? How could Mindy present thirty children to them and expect them to choose one? Shane had already opened two of the folders and held them at Ilya's eye level so he could see as well.
Emily (4) My name is Emily, I am four years old and I am looking for a family who wants to love me. I love drawing birds. Sometimes I just draw a rainbow.
Next to it was a picture of a little girl holding a drawing up to the camera and smiling so widely that a tiny gap between her teeth showed. Her brown hair was tied in a braid, but a few strands had escaped and hung in loose curls around her face. Oh my God... "I'll give you these folders to take home.
If you have any questions about one of the children, feel free to contact me. Once you've made a decision, we'll schedule another appointment to discuss everything else," Mindy said.
Ilya couldn't believe it. How were he and Shane supposed to choose one? He wanted to take all of them. How could he flip through these papers with a clear conscience and decide who fit "best"? Everything about it felt wrong.
——-
Back at home, the two of them were busy reading every single page. They looked at the pictures of the children, and Shane thought he heard a quiet sob.
"Shane, this... this is unbelievable," Ilya said. He quickly wiped his cheek and took his husband's hand.
Then he began to read: "My name is Elli, I am five years old and I'll be starting first grade soon. I wish for a nice family for me and my sister. I like dogs and Frozen. When I grow up, I want to be loved. My favorite color is yellow because I like the sun." "Oh God," Shane whispered. "She has a sister?"
Ilya exhaled shakily, stretched across the bed, and rummaged through all the papers that were scattered everywhere. Anya, who was sleeping at the foot of the bed, let out a soft whimper. "Here it is," Ilya said, his voice tense. He took a deep breath to read, but then stopped. Shane leaned over to stare at the blank document.
My name is Maeve. I am fourteen years old.
They looked at each other, and without needing to say a word, they knew. They decided to call Mindy first thing the next morning.
——————
"Are you sure you want to do this? Two children at once can often be too much, especially when a teenager is involved," Mindy said after they had taken their seats in her office. Shane and Ilya were certain. Even though Ilya had been plagued by doubts during the night.
———
He thought about his mother. He always thought about his mother, but now more than ever. There was a thought he didn't even dare to say out loud. But a long time ago, Ilya had learned that these kinds of thoughts were the most important ones to share. And Shane deserved to see all of him. "I'm scared," he had said. Very quietly, waiting for an answer.
Shane was surprised by the confession, but strangely, he felt relieved. Ilya wasn't shutting himself off anymore, and that was the greatest proof of love. Of course, Shane immediately turned toward his husband and sat up a little. Then he gently patted his lap, and Ilya took it as an invitation to rest his head there.
"What are you afraid of?" Shane asked, though he already believed he knew. He gently stroked Ilya's hair and at the same time rubbed his back. Several minutes passed without either of them speaking. Or maybe it was only one.
"Ending up like my mother," Ilya finally answered. "That everything becomes too much for me and I... can't talk to you about it." It was as if he wanted to keep talking, but he fell silent. Suddenly it dawned on Shane. He was afraid for their relationship. Afraid that everything would change, that one day Shane wouldn't understand him anymore. He remembered their night together at the cottage.
"My dad was so hard on her," Ilya had said back then. But the thought that the two of them could end up the same way was unthinkable to Shane. They would manage this. He was certain of it. They deserved it. Especially Ilya. "I promise to always be patient with you. To always love you and walk beside you for as long as you want. I'm here. We're okay here. Okay? Everything's alright."
Ilya turned and drew Shane down into a kiss. After almost thirteen years together, Shane still sometimes caught himself feeling nervous in moments like this. Not from doubt, but from the weight of how much he still felt. They stayed close, foreheads touching, breathing slowly, as if neither of them wanted to rush what they were building.
There was comfort in the quiet, in the familiar warmth of each other, in the knowledge that whatever lay ahead, they would face it side by side. For now, that was enough. They held on to each other, letting the moment settle, steady and real. ————-
"We're sure"