Chapter Text
Every day has been the same lately for Lo’ak. He was done wasting time at home, waking up softly and slowly. Now, he’d be out of the familial marui pod as soon as his eyes were open. And every single day, he would think about how he should ask for a small marui pod where he could live by himself, how it’d be easier if he lived alone.
He’d spend all of his mornings doing chores around the village. Tidy things up, fix some weaving, lend a helping hand to those in need, even to those who hissed at him because of his demon blood. There were fewer people like this now, compared to when they had first arrived, and it was mostly the elderly, to whom he would never be anything more than a five-fingered half-blood freak. Lo’ak would swallow his pride, and help them nonetheless, quietly, trying to distract himself.
Once in a while, he would run into Tsireya while doing his morning chores. He would always change his route to give her a forehead little kiss and a smile, with a whispered promise that he’d see her later. And he’d go back to his chores right after, without waiting for an answer.
*
It was only once he was done with all his tasks that he’d finally stop and take a deep breath.
Not too deep, though, because Lo’ak was constantly on the run these days. With a quick clicking sound, he’d call for an Ilu, and swim away from the village as fast as the creature could. He never went too far. Just far away enough for his voice to reach Payakan.
Payakan’s not an outcast any longer, because the council meeting of the tulkuns has welcomed him back. However, throughout his years as an outcast, Payakan has grown used to living a bit farther away than most individuals did.
Lo’ak calls for his spiritual brother, because he felt like he really needed the distraction. Tulkuns were smart creatures, yes, and that was precisely why Payakan didn’t ask questions, unlike lots of people.
“Brother! Where are you, Payakan?” he called, once more, his throat feeling sore from all the screaming he had done. “Fuck, where are you?” he added, this time in a whisper, running a hand through his braids.
Lo’ak couldn’t help but worry about his spiritual brother, wondering if something could have happened to him, because the tulkun was usually rather quick to make his presence known.
He clicked his tongue to call back for an Ilu, and go back to the village, and the fresh water of the ocean on his face did a good job at freshening up his thoughts. There was no need to get all panicky so soon. Perhaps he was just busy doing whatever Payakan was doing.
He rode his Ilu back to the shore of Awa’atlu. He made sure to avoid the part of town where he was most likely to run into a member of his family. He hated himself enough like this. He didn’t need the additional layer of self-loathing brought by the mere sight of his family.
Lo’ak might have not said much about that to Tsireya, but she obviously knew. The Tsakarem had the tendency of seeing things, and understanding things. Lo’ak loved that about her, most of the time, because while she had noticed he wasn’t in the best of places lately, she knew not to push him, to pry.
She gave him a smile, a warm one that made her dimples appear, with a four-fingered wave that Lo’ak returned, a weight being lifted off his shoulders at the mere sight of her.
“Hey, hop on,” he told her, with a smile. “Let’s go for a swim. You know, that one place we found the other day.”
Tsireya didn’t need to be told twice, because, yeah, she would most probably follow Lo’ak anywhere, because they always had great times together. And she was a bit curious about discovering more of that place.
It wasn’t much, just some kind of underwater cave they had found. They had decided to save the exploration of it for later, because Lo’ak needed more practice with his breathing first.
He had grown very used to the Metkayina way of living. He had bonded with a tulkun, spoke sign language perfectly, and could hold his breath well enough. But for that, he still needed practice. And he had practised, with Tsireya by his side, always there to remind him where to breathe from, and distract him from his breathing exercise by putting her hand on his stomach.
“Let’s go,” she told him, with that soft voice of hers, once she was on the Ilu, right behind him.
Both her hands were on his shoulders, and one of his hands went to rest on her thigh, just for safety, while the other held onto the Ilu, as they swam away.
Lo’ak remembered the way of the cave, and on the way there, they enjoyed the sight of the underwater life. All the flora, the fauna. It was always quite a sight. One Lo’ak could never have too much of.
It had been four years since he and his family first arrived in Awa’atlu, four years since he had first seen the life the ocean held. And it was just as breathtaking as the first time.
His thumb brushed little patterns on the teal skin of her thigh, as they swam, resisting the current easily, because Tsireya had been born there, she had spent her childhood in the water, and well. Lo’ak had grown used to it.
*
When they reached the place, they went back to the surface one last time to breathe properly.
“Are you sure today is the day for this?” she asked him, holding his wrist under water, moving her other arm, her legs and tail to keep her head out of the water without much effort. “It can wait, you know. It’s better to postpone than to risk your life down there.”
Lo’ak shook his head, because there was no way for him to wait. He could feel it in his bones that today was the day to go explore it. He needed the change of thoughts, needed a moment away from what he already knew. Really, he needed the newness of this cave.
“No, no postponing,” he said, determined. “One last breath, and let’s dive, yeah?”
Tsireya hesitated for a second and nodded. They took a few seconds to calm down their breathing and heart rate, before diving together, led by the Ilu that hadn’t abandoned them just yet.
The cave was a bit deep in the sea, but it didn’t take long for them to reach it.
The second they were in the cave, Lo’ak’s mouth opened in awe, a bubble of air escaping his lips, as his grasp tightened on Tsireya’s thigh, stealing a glance at her, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips, to see if she was as amazed as he was, or if this was something she had seen before.
Tsireya gave him a big smile, because apparently she was just as pleased as he was to be there.
They went deeper and deeper in the cave –perhaps too deep?– led by the brave Ilu. They were far from being out of breath for now, so they didn’t mind.
They were looking all around, the cave lightened up by spots of bioluminescent plants and small creatures. Lo’ak almost felt like crying.
The curve of the cave suddenly went a bit up, and before they could realise it, they had reached the surface. There was a big bubble of air within the cave, some rock to walk on. There were a couple of otterfins there, playing together on the rocks, making little amused sounds as they did.
Lo’ak smiled at that, because he had seen some of them on the shore before, but they were either eating or resting under the rays of sun, enjoying the warmth. He had never seen zukzuks playing outside of water.
“I was not expecting the cave to be so deep,” he said, softly, barely above a whisper because there was a lot of echoing going on in the cave, the echoes of the otterfins’ amused noises filling up the air bubble. “I don’t know what I was expecting, but not this.”
They both dismounted the Ilu, and went to sit on the edge of the rocks. A few feet away from the little zukzuks, their feet in the water, their bodies close to one another.
“It’s a nice place,” she commented, letting her head rest on his shoulder. “You held your breath well. You’ve improved. I’m proud, Lo’ak.”
Lo’ak let his head rest against Tsireya’s, not answering right away.
A part of him was a bit frustrated that he had indeed held his breath well. Before diving, he was sure he should have trained a bit more, that he wasn’t ready yet, despite what he assured Tsireya. He knew, and yet he went deep in the cave, because he was looking for the feeling of a tight chest. He wanted to feel it, the urge to take a breath underwater. To feel his lungs tighten, to feel the anxiety wash up over him. He needed the thrill of risking his life, needed to feel alive.
He ended up not answering at all, wrapping his arm around her shoulders, trying his best to escape his torturous thoughts, to focus on the salty smell of her hair, to focus on the warmth emanating from the Metkayina’s body.
Every day has been the same lately for Lo’ak. A crushing weight on his shoulders and on his ribcage, that only seemed to disappear when he was alone with her. And perhaps this was the solution to all of his problems. Perhaps she was the solution to everything.
“I wish we never had to go back,” he said, his voice hoarse after being silent for a while, his fingers rubbing her arm, up and down, gently.
“Ah, well, wouldn’t you get sick of me, if we never went back?” she asked in a chuckle. “As much as the idea of spending all of my time with you is appealing, our families would miss us. We can’t do that to them, now, can we?”
Tsireya spoke lightly, because she could sense how tense he was, how heavy this all was on him. She didn’t want to make it any worse by encouraging his sappy thoughts.
“Yeah, you’re right, we can’t,” he said, his voice almost trembling.
The idea of leaving Awa’atlu forever was so appealing. He wouldn’t even go back to the forest he had grown up in.
He just wanted to start over, somewhere no one knew him.
But no matter where he would go, he would always be recognised as Toruk Makto’s son. Or as a five-fingered freak, with demon blood running through his veins, if he landed somewhere the people hadn’t heard of his father’s achievement of riding the beast. If that was even possible.
Well, starting somewhere new where he was simply Toruk Makto’s son was enough for him. He found himself fantasising about that more often than he would care to admit.
“We should head back, she’s getting impatient,” he said, talking about the Ilu.
Tsireya looked at his back with worry when he got back in the water. His voice was strained, and he avoided her gaze.
It didn’t take a genius to know that going back home was the last thing he wanted.
But Lo’ak was very close to breaking down. She could hear it in his every word, feel it in his every touch. So she didn’t push, and just got behind him on the back of the Ilu.
“Alright, let’s head back,” she whispered in response, resting her head against his back, in between his shoulder blades.
*
They reached the shore too soon for his taste, and he tried to think about something, anything, that would take another couple hours, so he wouldn’t have to go back home just yet. He couldn’t find anything.
“Are you sure you don’t wanna go on an adventure past the reef? It could be fun, you know it,” he said, his hand cupping Tsireya’s face gently, while the other was rubbing up and down her arm.
“This is not a good idea, especially not so close to the sunset,” she told him, her hand on his stomach. “Tomorrow we could go have fun with my sister and your brother, yeah ? Payakan might enjoy the company.”
Lo’ak smiled at the suggestion, because yes, his spiritual brother would probably enjoy the company of another individual of his kind. Besides Ta’nok, he was not with many tulkuns. Old habits die hard, or something like that.
“Yeah, sure,” he said softly, pressing a soft kiss against her forehead. “Rest well, ‘Reya.”
“Good night, Lo’ak.”
Tsireya gave him a smile, and turned around to walk back to her family’s marui pod, and Lo’ak watched her go, peace disappearing from his mind. He was back in Hell.
He stayed there, even after he could not see her any more. He wanted to enjoy the air that was becoming fresher as night was soon coming. This was yet another excuse to avoid coming back home.
“Lo’ak!” a voice came, which made Lo’ak close his eyes, in reluctance.
He turned around to see his younger sister’s face. Tuktirey had grown a lot since they had first arrived in the Metkayina clan.
“Hey, Tuk,” he greeted with a smile, ruffling her hair. “What’s up with you? You sound happier than usual.”
Tuk was a joyful girl, which she had kept from her childhood. She had a big smile, big ears and a soft gaze. She was 11 now, but still as adorable as she used to be.
And she did sound a bit happier than she usually was. For some reason. What a sight : Tuk being overly joyful, while Lo’ak kind of wished he were dead.
“It’s becoming an event to see you around lately,” she laughed, though she was only half-joking. “Come on, let’s go home! Mama is braiding Neteyam’s hair.”
Tuk grabbed her older brother’s hand, and didn’t give him a choice. Apparently, there was no room for him to refuse if he had something to do. Not that he had something to do, unfortunately.
So he simply followed, even when all he wanted was to run away in the opposite direction.
And when they walked inside the marui pod, he was greeted with warmth and excitement.
Lo’ak gave them a small smile, and went to sit in his corner, Tuk not wasting a second to sit by his side and rest her head against his side. His instinct was to wrap an arm around her shoulders.
“Had a nice day, boy?” his father asked, busy brushing Kiri’s hair.
“Yeah, it was nice. Tsireya and I went into an underwater cave, it was fun,” he nodded, a bit shy. “What about you ?”
Lo’ak asked, half because he wanted to be polite and half because he was genuinely interested in hearing about his family’s day.
“Just another day, you know,” Jake replied with a quick smile.
“Is it the cave Aonung mentioned a little while back?” Neteyam asked.
Lo’ak turned his head a bit, playing with one of Tuk’s braids, and nodded, feeling uneasy.
Neytiri was crouching behind a sat Neteyam, redoing his braids because it was high time for a redo.
“Yeah, that’s the one,” he confirmed quietly.
“Cool, you’ll have to tell me all about it,” his older brother said with a chuckle. “Oh, man, I wish I could go.”
Lo’ak smiled and nodded, a silent promise that he would tell his brother all about it.
Neteyam had had a near-death experience a few years back, when the demon ship was close to Awa’atlu. When Lo’ak disobeyed orders and went back on it to save Spider, Neteyam had been shot, and for a few very long and very painful minutes, Lo’ak thought he would lose his brother, his best friend.
Thanks to Eywa, Neteyam had survived. Lo’ak hadn’t lost his brother that day.
But Neteyam did lose something. Feelings in his left leg. And his left arm barely functioned any more. Ronal had said he had been lucky to survive, but that he would never be able to walk again without help.
Lo’ak’s eyes fell to the ground, on the makeshift crutch lying next to his brother, without which he couldn’t walk. Another wave of guilt washed over Lo’ak, because this was all his fault Neteyam had been shot.