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He was standing really close to the edge but he was pretty stable, he wouldn’t fall over the ledge. So he was just standing there, watching the city. He wouldn’t jump anyway. The sunrise might have been beautiful but he didn’t really focus on anything else beside his own thoughts. The weather was still quite warm for the season but he knew if he wanted to stand here much longer, he would need his coat.
It’s been a long day - or was it a night? Not worse than any other day in the last few months but certainly not better either, relatively speaking. The days were kind of blending together. There were few days Frank was looking forward to but even those were just small points in the calendar, they didn’t really focus his attention on the time that was just passing by. There was nothing to look forward to, really. He had nothing beside his job, not anymore, and even that was like a vice around his heart recently.
Abby left him - he was not surprised and couldn’t fault her for not wanting to deal with an addict in addition to two young kids, but the cold, almost ruthless way she filed for sole custody was like an ice shard in his heart. He hasn’t seen his kids for months now, no visitation allowed until he reached one year sober, and even after that it depended on Abby’s mood. And so far Abby hasn’t been in a forgiving mood.
So to escape his small hole of a lonely apartment he tried to escape into work, but that again didn’t work the way he’d hoped. It was not that he’d expected that he would be welcomed back with open arms and with no one knowing where he’d been, he knew there was no clean slate in reality, no matter how it was worded by HR and every NA meeting, but he hoped he could still do his job without any big obstacles. Come in the morning, - or evening, as it is, he was saddled with every shitty shift for the foreseeable future, so someone must have known the reasons for his absence and wanted to punish him, maybe-, treat people, maybe even teach some things to the med students, apologize - grovel, really - to those he hurt, then go home and hope for a positive change.
But he had one obstacle. He should have anticipated it but he also kind of started to believe what was hammered into his head in rehab about changes, new beginning, forgiveness etc. He’d known that his relationship with Robby would never be the same again, there was too much hurt and resentment and betrayal between them which would not magically disappear. He’d known they had a long way ahead of them if they wanted to have anything that resembled something like a friendship. He hoped for it but as the months passed, first in rehab, then in his new hole of a home without a word from Robby, he slowly lost all courage and hope he built up while trying to regain his life.
He knew he hurt Robby, but he was also hurt. And alone. Gosh, so alone, all the time, every step of the way. First he’d thought Robby just needed more time to face him, to talk to him - to forgive him - but when he met him on that fateful first day back he had to face the truth: Robby never wanted to see him, to try to rebuild something - anything - with him. He never wanted to forgive him. Which he had to realize and accept (acceptance pending) when his mentor disappeared the next day for his sabbatical without speaking to him. That day he almost relapsed. He’d put so much hope into trying to build something with Robby again that he felt completely lost, without an anchor when the older man made it clear with his actions that there would be no relationship between them from now on. Not as friends, not as mentor-mentee, not as attending-resident for the foreseeable future. Frank had known it wouldn’t be easy but he’d thought that maybe, somewhere far into the future, it would at least be possible.
But Robby was away, and Frank was left to try to build something with one attending who only knew his worst side from the stories and another one who was best friends with Robby so already quite biased. He liked Abbot in general, but whenever he worked under him there was a Robby shaped spectre between them. The older man was chill, but Frank could still see that he knew more than most in the hospital and he had an opinion. So he kept his head down and did what was asked from him, basically doing the small things an intern would be able to do while half asleep, because he was still hoping that when Robby returned, he would have his chance. But when Robby returned, fewer wrinkles and more laughter around his eyes, nothing changed. He tried to talk to him again and again but it was as if the attending learnt some evasion techniques on his trip and was never caught in the same place as Langdon.
Not that Robby was the only person in the hospital who mattered, some of the others might have even been happy to see him, but they didn’t need him. Robby was right, they could manage without him. He was not needed. Not by anyone really. Dana was kind to him, but she really just wanted to have her ER whole and he was like a bullet with an unpredictable trajectory: he might not do any damage or he might kill some others when he inevitably crashes. Mel was happy but he was sure she could find someone else to latch onto. She was okay for months without him, she would be okay in the future too. And the others…. he didn’t really have a relationship with anyone else that would be missed. And Robby… maybe he was really better without him. And he wanted to blame Robby a bit for how far he’d fallen and how long he’d taken to get up, but he was tired. Oh, so tired.
He’d heard of that famous last straw, really everyone knows the saying but he’d never experienced it. Until now. That one moment, that one sentence which just shatters something inside you that you didn’t even know was hanging on that last strand. You didn’t even notice how everything had frayed, or you just thought you would have some more time, some more energy to keep going, but that last strand just snaps and every hope you had just shatters, the faith you had in someone just magically disappears from one moment to the other.
He hadn’t known he was this close to that last straw. He wouldn’t have been able to tell you how far he estimated himself, but the moment Robby said he needed to give a urine sample was the moment he shattered, and the hope completely dimmed from him.
He had been enthusiastic when he got to the hospital that afternoon. He had to come in early for the evening shift but for once he looked forward to it a bit. With some prep in his step, his hands in his pockets and the one year token clutched in his hand. He finally got it. One year sober from his last relapse. One year of painstaking work of putting up a front so that others wouldn’t know he was falling apart inside. But he got there. And he was a bit giddy. Which was as it seems so out of normal for him that the moment Robby had seen him standing in front of North 4 looking at a chart he beelined to him. For a moment the absurd thought crossed his mind: misery doesn’t love company after all, because he’d been miserable every day and Robby never wanted to speak to him.
And for a moment, just for one moment, he thought that Robby knew how important this day was and was coming to finally welcome him back after Frank reached so far in this impossible journey. Then Robby spoke: “Are you high right now?” Frank’s mind didn’t even compute the sentence when the next one followed. “Did you take anything?”
He was still in the state where his mind heard the words and somehow got the meaning but still missed the context. He could only ask: “What?” weakly, but it looked like it was the wrong answer for Robby because his eyes darkened and his voice was colder when he continued (and oh, how he wished to hear Robby’s voice directed at him, but his mind still couldn’t connect the cold tone, the words, he just knew something was not right in that moment): “Really, Langdon? So this is how it’s gonna be?”
It was at that moment that Frank's mind started working again and he was trying to stutter: “No, no, Robby. No! I didn’t take anything! No, I… I didn’t, I promise.” but it seems his broken words were not enough to convince the other man because Robby continued: “You’re jittery and so unlike you, what do you think I should think?”
And Frank had a hysterical thought that the first time he felt somewhat happy was what made him suspicious and so out of character… had he really been so bad these last few months? He tried again “I…I, Robby, you know me, I didn’t…” But he couldn’t finish the sentence because Robby’s eyes were like steel the moment he heard the oh so familiar words from Langdon and his voice was ice when he said: “No, I don’t. You’re giving me a sample right now”. And he turned towards the bathrooms and expected Frank to follow.
And that last straw? That was the moment it gently touched that famous camel’s back, and Frank shattered inside. He was one year sober. One full year, 365 days of trying not to sink and when finally he learns to float a little bit, something just drags him under. And he didn’t even take a deep breath.
He couldn’t even say what happened after that, everything was on autopilot. He followed Robby, gave him a sample, and his mind was so blank he didn’t even feel embarrassed for a moment for once while doing so. And when Robby left the room Frank was just standing there, numbly, his mind blank.
If you asked him, he wouldn’t be able to tell you what he did during the shift, he wouldn’t remember any of his patients, or anything he was told. He just hoped that he didn’t do something incredibly stupid to any of the people he treated that day. He was drifting the whole day, his mind playing catch up with what had happened.
He didn’t even remember going up to the roof. He knew he was looking at the sunrise (had he really worked through the night?), but his mind was somewhere else. So he was just standing there, watching the city. He heard the door open behind him, but he honestly didn’t care at that moment about who might have come to seek sanctuary on the roof. They didn’t have to guard him either. He wouldn’t jump anyway.
When he heard the steps stop behind him, but not come close enough so that he could see the person in his periphery he was almost sure it was Abbot. The attending tended to have the habit of waiting out the others. So Frank took the plunge and asked: “Do you need me?” And sure, it was Abbot who answered. “Just checking with you. It’s been a long shift.” Yeah, that was an understatement. Frank snorted a little and that was enough for Abbot to continue: “If you don’t mind, you could come back, we still have some work to do and my legs won’t move fast enough if you were to slip over there.”
He looked back at Abbot. If he’d had energy, he would have smiled, but now he just looked at the attending for a few moments, before turning back to look out at the city before him. “Don’t worry. I promise I won’t jump.” He was loud enough so that Abbot heard him without any problem. There was silence between them for a brief moment, before Frank continued. “I would never do that.”
Abbot sighed and looked down at his feet. He was debating whether to say something but in the end he felt his presence and Langdon’s words were enough for now. “Okay. Handover in 15 minutes.” He turned and left the roof, leaving Frank alone again. Langdon sighed and said quietly, even though he knew the attending would not hear him. “I’ll be there.”
Langdon was still looking out at the city. His mind screamed at him to stop Abbot, to tell him everything that was inside him, to cry for help, to do anything but stand there alone in the silence. Abbot heard what he wanted to and was relieved that he wouldn't be the one to tell Robby that his once golden child did something stupid. But he didn’t hear what had never been said. No one ever did.
I won’t jump. True. He didn’t want to.
I would never do that. Yes, also true. He would never.
Because he’d already decided how he wanted to go, and jumping was not it. It’s not dignified enough, your body spread out on the concrete, some unlucky bastard having to play a jigsaw puzzle with him. No, it was too messy, and undignified.
Not that taking his own life was dignified anyway, but he picked a way that would at least let him keep his dignity in death now that he was not allowed to have that in life. He didn’t even know when he started thinking about ending it all - somewhere after Robby left without a word, his ex-wife not picking up any of his calls and everyone looking at him with those knowing (judging) eyes all the time. Oh, how easy it would be to just never relive these nightmarish days.
It was not even intentional when he started reading about how old folks chose to leave this place when they felt they were not welcome here anymore. It was just one chapter in a book, just an afterthought for him really. It was not even a little bit of an active thought in him at that moment when he decided how he would want to go. In that moment he didn’t think he would ever use that knowledge.
But here he was. In that state of half-consciousness when you know you are doing something but also it’s like in a dream. You know there will be consequences but you also know it isn’t really happening. Right?
His mind was still buzzing when he went downstairs, finished handover and changed his shoes in the locker room. Everything was automatic, he tied the second knot, stood up and took his bag in his hands. And for once when he was leaving he looked at the people. He didn’t avoid their eyes, but looked at them, their faces, the determination in their eyes, the life you could see on their faces. Said his goodbyes to those who said hi to him. There would be no other goodbyes and greetings again - he knew he wouldn’t be brought here later, there would be nothing to save, so these goodbyes were really his last ones.
He didn’t see Robby.
So he left. And when the door closed behind him he started walking home. Like any other morning, with just one difference, today it was only a shell putting one foot in front of the other, not a man trying to live. He didn’t know when he got home and didn’t even think about gathering everything he needed. It was not a conscious thought anymore. And even in that last moment the only thought in his mind was just pure emptiness, a haze, because his mind had the one thing he was at the moment - nothing.