Work Text:
NOVEMBER 2022
Tobias went to the studio/office that morning and made himself a cup of black coffee, no sugar, and joined Robin, who was already on their laptop with headphones and sipping on their own Starbucks coffee.
“Hej! Good morning,” said Tobias. “That coffee looks like a full breakfast!” he said, pointing at the half full plastic cup that still had some whipped cream and chocolate syrup on top of the liquid.
“Yeah, and still… it's neither.” Robin laughed.
“How's the day going?”
“Not much on the community managing front, just promos for the Imperatour and uploading a couple of reels. You didn't even need to drop by the office.” they said, getting back to typing.
“Yeah, but I wanted to make sure everything was under control and to encourage you. We did some great numbers last month, and it's all thanks to you. I wouldn't know how to use the damn Instagram to save my life.” replied Tobias.
“By the way… I am infiltrated in the Ghost fandom as you know…”
“Top secret spy undercover, yes. That was a good idea of yours, this way we get to keep up with the fans.”
“Yes, about that… you know the Rolling Stone interview that you did a couple of days ago and was published yesterday?” asked Robin.
“Yes, what about it? Don't scare me like this, Robin!”
“No, it's just… people liked it of course, but the fans are pointing out a detail a lot on different Discord servers, Instagram and Twitter. Basically… they are talking about you using they when talking about Mary Goore.”
Tobias froze.
“Really? What are they saying?”
“Well, it was obvious that this would resonate with many of them. You know how diverse the Ghost fandom is. But they are absolutely running with it. There are even edits and fancams on TikTok already, montages of Mary Goore with the non-binary flag. Which… I think it's pretty cool. Obviously.”
Robin smiled and looked at Tobias, who had zoned out.
Robin was very NB, and Tobias had hired them knowingly and never minding. He always respected their pronouns. It was not that common to have a boss who was this mindful (which is to say, who displayed basic human decency).
Tobias then came back to Earth.
“I am glad that the fans noticed. It was the thing to do.” Tobias hesitated for a second and then said: “You know, I don’t talk about it often, but I am… non binary myself. I don't have a preferred set of pronouns. He is fine, also they or she. It doesn't matter to me, really.”
Robin was stunned, but they would be lying if they did not see this coming from Tobias.
“Oh… oh. That's so cool. So you… get what it's like.”
“I do. But it's definitely different for me, Robin. You are out and proud and I am… well, not entirely. And not publicly. The Ghouls know. Of course, Boel knows and, in a way, the kids too. They know me the best.”
“I get it. Thank you for telling me this,” said Robin. “It means so much to me.”
Tobias smiled and took his cup of coffee. He finished it, washed it and put it back in the cupboard. He said goodbye to Robin and headed back home, inspired: he needed to write a very special song straight away.
BEGINNING OF 2025
Tobias sat at his home office, elegantly decorated with black textured wallpaper and his guitars hung on the wall. It was late at night. Everything was ready for the release of Skeletá the following day and he couldn't sleep.
He had come a long way and was ready to show the world his latest work. The first music video, for Satanized, was already on YouTube and people loved it. He had already two more music videos scheduled to be recorded in the following days.
He took the copy of the album that he had and pulled out the lyric sheet. He read it proudly, one song after another, until he got to De Profundis Borealis. He stopped.
He remembered the conversation he had that one time with Robin, when he came out to them as non-binary, and how happy he was that someone as Robin could live so out and proud. It got Tobias thinking about his own personal experience and his childhood.
Tobias put the beautiful purple record on the record player, plugged his headphones in and put them on. He carefully guided the needle to the track and sat back to listen to the song he wrote back in November of 2022 after that conversation with Robin.
All the things that never gave you peace
Throwin' those, but keepin' these
All the rights that didn't undo wrongs
Put it back where it belongs
Tobias was never a problematic child. He remembered his brother getting in more trouble than him when they were kids. It wasn't until later on, when they were teenagers, that Tobias had found himself in a more complicated situation.
In a palace built of frozen tears
All life is gone
But between the walls of whispering frost
Secrets live on
Back then, his parents were strict and they weren't supportive of him growing his hair out and being too into Metal, especially after the string of church burnings in Norway by members of the black metal scene not that long ago.
Tobias fought with his dad on the daily. His father was convinced that he was some sort of gay and feminine person, and was not entirely against it but was also not comfortable with it. He didn't get it. How could he possibly?
All the words that never came out right
Within reach, but out of sight
All the songs that couldn't mend your heart
But slit it up and tore apart
Tobias remembered crying in his room after school. Another day with no sunlight and the cold, isolating feeling of inadequacy. Outside, the wind was blowing and Linköping was covered in snow. He wanted to disappear.
He didn’t feel like a boy, not really. Gender didn't make sense to him. It was hard to put into words. He felt comfortable with his long hair and liked his soft features, and didn’t understand why it was such a big deal for everyone else. He knew because when the other kids started to call him a “girl” at school it didn’t bother him. He, She, They. Whatever. But they also called him the F word, just because word had gotten out that he was bi. That was the tipping point. He had gotten into a fight at recess and his parents grounded him for months. Why did anyone care who he was into? Again, gender was a lie.
See, the palace built of frozen tears
Is your own built prison
And if only love could break these chains
Life could go on
Teen Tobias listened to the most dark and strong metal bands that he could find, where the guitars and screams about death and Satan blended to numb these awful feelings. He also admired Oscar Wilde and read De Profundis over and over. He admired Wilde’s unapologetic sense of self and creativity, and also felt trapped and locked in a tiny cell, just like the playwright ended up, for who he was. The author’s words inspired him to write as well. He jotted down in his notebook all the lyrics that came to his mind in moments of anger and frustration. He could see himself forming a band, covering himself up in fake blood and screaming; he would give the middle finger to all that shit, to the gender bullshit. He could be anyone, could be them, an alter ego with a different name, like Mary. Tobias used to fall asleep thinking about this.
And just like that, it was 2025 and dawn was starting to break, and the golden rays of sunlight filtered through the trees like a sign of hope. In his studio, Tobias put the vinyl away and hung his headphones. He had grown up and became Mary Goore, and then many other characters after that. The next one, Perpetua, was about to be born. The world had changed quite a lot since he was young, and now he had a beautiful family who was loving and patient, who supported him in his projects. And two beautiful children who got to have the longest, most beautiful golden hair, no matter their gender. Everything was right and, despite it all, after the coldest, darkest night, the day always triumphally arrived.
Every time you feel the wind blow
And a glow within you dies
When tomorrow comes, you will know
That the morning thaws the ice