Chapter Text
[Roll intro sequence.]
[♫ macmacmacmacGYYYVER IS HERE, Murdoc promises that they’re nOT quEEr ♫]
[Lyrics to “MacGyver Theme” courtesy of my father. Yes, I did not make those up. My father did.]
[Open on a fancy building, then cut to inside, where there seems to be a very fancy gathering going on. People are milling about in nice dress. MACGYVER, also dressed surprisingly nice, is uncomfortably standing near a table with NIKKI CARPENTER.]
MACGYVER: Come on, Nikki, couldn’t you have gotten someone else to do this? You know I’m not good at these things.
NIKKI: Then it’s a good thing you’re not here for your comfort.
MACGYVER: You’ve got plenty of other people who’d be just as willing as me to do this— more so. Isn’t there anyone else who would be better?
NIKKI: Anyone else who’d be better than you? Unfortunately not. You’re the best there is, MacGyver. The point of you being here isn’t for small talk, it’s for investigation. [She checks her watch.] I’ve got to run. You’re good at your job, MacGyver. So do it.
[NIKKI leaves, abandoning MACGYVER to continue hovering next to his table. He looks around awkwardly, finding a small-ish wire sculpture of a snake on the table. When he glances around the room more, he realizes that each table has its own animal indicator. He pockets the snake absently. Soon after, a pair of rich-looking men approach him.]
MR. BARRYMORE: Excuse me, sir. Could we have a moment of your time?
MACGYVER: Uh, yeah, sure. What do you need me for?
MR. ANDERSON: We represent a global fund for business development. Millions of people worldwide have already invested, and it will be very profitable for you in the long run to invest.
MR. BARRYMORE: This fund will allow you to grow your business exponentially. A virtually unlimited source of income, all to put to use in your own business.
MACGYVER: Right, yeah. What did you say your name was, again?
MR. BARRYMORE: Oh yes, I’m Mr. Barrymore and this is Mr. Anderson. We’re from the Sky-High Business Collective.
MACGYVER: Okay. Uh… okay. [He looks around again, spotting a bathroom door close by where he is standing. He slides away from the men, raising his hands apologetically.] Sorry, guys, I just… I need to go to the bathroom. I’ll— I’ll find you if I’m interested, okay?
[MACGYVER escapes the situation, ducking through the door to the bathroom. As the door closes behind him, the camera zooms in on a previously-obscured sign that says “BROKEN WATERLINE. KEEP OUT.”]
[When inside the room, MACGYVER breathes a sigh of relief. He leans against the door, eyes closed, then straightens to take in his surroundings. Cut to MURDOC, crouching over a duffle bag, halfway through tucking a small, thin knife into a purse, staring at MACGYVER in shock. Notably, MURDOC appears unscarred and is dressed in upper-class, effeminate clothes.]
MACGYVER: Murdoc?
[MURDOC stands.]
MURDOC: MacGyver?
[MACGYVER moves to grab the doorknob, but MURDOC brandishes his knife.]
MURDOC: Oh no, MacGyver. Don’t you dare open that door.
MACGYVER: What are you doing here? What’s going on?
MURDOC: What am I doing here? What are you doing here? Can’t you read? The sign says “Keep Out”.
MACGYVER: (exasperatedly) Look, if you’re here to try and kill me, just get to it already. I have other things to worry about right now.
MURDOC: I’m not here to kill you. You were never supposed to be here. [He lowers his knife, shaking his head.] (quieter, talking to himself) And now I’ve been compromised. Why wasn’t I told—? Sonia. Of course. Of course she wouldn’t tell me that MacGyver was going to be here; she thinks I’d only get distracted and try to kill him instead. [He stops and stares at MACGYVER for a very long moment.] Well then. I suppose I’ll have to prove her wrong.
MACGYVER: What do you mean?
MURDOC: I can’t kill you, MacGyver. Not right now. I need to prove to Sonia— and the rest of the HIT board— that I can complete a job, even with you in the way.
[MACGYVER slowly turns the doorknob, ready to make his exit.]
MURDOC: I can’t let you leave, either, of course. You know I’m here. And it would be terribly inconvenient for you to alert the Foundation to my presence. No, you’re working with me now. And this time… [He smiles.] We’re doing things my way.
[Cut to COLLIN CHAPLIN, a stiff man in a stiff suit sitting in a stiff chair, surrounded by a collection of similarly stuffy individuals. His desk is neat and clean, bare except for a few pens and a thick ledger open in the middle of it. He looks slightly annoyed, but stony. The door opens and MR. BARRYMORE and MR. ANDERSON enter the room.]
CHAPLIN: Well, gents? What do you have for me?
MR. ANDERSON: A few eager investors. Several interested parties. And one man…
[MR. ANDERSON pauses, and he and MR. BARRYMORE exchange a look.]
CHAPLIN: (impatiently) Well? Spit it out.
MR. BARRYMORE: Well, Mr. Chaplin… There did seem to be one man who was suspicious of our offer. He extracted himself quickly from our conversation. He may look into us further.
CHAPLIN: Did you get a name for this man?
MR. BARRYMORE: No. [He rushes to say his next few words when CHAPLIN looks displeased.] But he was very distinct. Tall, handsome, long-ish hair.
MR. ANDERSON: We could find him.
CHAPLIN: Good. Any threat to our operation must be eradicated. I want that man dead.
MR. BARRYMORE: Yes. Yes, of course, Mr. Chaplin. You will not hear of him again.
[MR. BARRYMORE and MR. ANDERSON exit. CHAPLIN looks slightly less displeased.]
[Returning to MACGYVER and MURDOC in the bathroom, MURDOC is now applying makeup and checking through his utilities. He pushes the duffle bag away into a stall and continues readying himself as he and MACGYVER talk.]
MACGYVER: I won’t help you kill anyone.
MURDOC: You have to. The alternative is death.
MACGYVER: Won’t you kill me anyway?
MURDOC: Someday. But not now. I’ll let you go free if you help me, until the day we get even again. You should know me well enough by now to know that.
MACGYVER: I just can’t, Murdoc. I can’t do it. When it was saving someone’s life, I was helping you do something good. I draw the line at being complicit in murder, and that’s final.
[MURDOC pauses in his preparations to look back at MACGYVER.]
MURDOC: You’ve been complicit in murder before, though. Haven’t you?
[MACGYVER glares at him. That is not a topic he is willing to discuss with almost anyone, especially not the man who has repeatedly— and eagerly— attempted to kill him. MURDOC continues undeterred.]
MURDOC: Look, I’m even killing someone who profits off the suffering of others. Isn’t that something you’re so righteously outspoken against?
MACGYVER: (bitterly, annoyed) Yeah. You profit off the suffering of others.
MURDOC: I profit off the deaths of others. Sometimes it’s painless.
MACGYVER: That doesn’t make it better! In what world does that make it better?
MURDOC: I just want you to be accurate.
MACGYVER: Who is this guy, anyway? Who were you sent to kill?
MURDOC: Chap called Collin Chaplin. Someone very wealthy wants to see him dead.
MACGYVER: Hang on— Collin Chaplin?
MURDOC: Do you know him?
MACGYVER: Not personally. The Phoenix Foundation wants me to investigate him. Pete says his financial records don’t line up, that he’s probably got some income source off-books.
MURDOC: Well, no need to investigate him. He’s a smuggler— trafficks hard drugs, the kind that get you put in prisons where six feet under is the farthest you’ll get from the gates. It’s a very lucrative business— and deadly.
[MACGYVER crosses his arms, looking unconvinced.]
MACGYVER: I would’ve thought you’d admire the guy.
MURDOC: I kill whoever they pay me to kill. [He ties his hair back and puts on a wig, fixing it to look natural.] That includes the bad guys.
MACGYVER: All right, listen, Murdoc. I don't care what he's done, I won't help you kill him. We can get the police, arrest him legally. He doesn’t need to die.
[MURDOC huffs a short sigh and pivots to face MACGYVER, now fully disguised as a woman.]
MURDOC: Yes, he does. How many officers do you think are on the man’s payroll? The police will never catch him effectively. And, most importantly, he needs to be dead for me to get paid. [He grabs a cane that had been leaning against the wall and pushes past MACGYVER.] Now. I’ll leave; you’ll wait, say, two and half minutes before coming and joining me. Please, be discreet about it.
MACGYVER: Wait, wait, wait— What are we doing? You haven’t explained anything.
MURDOC: Just follow my lead. Everything will work out.
MACGYVER: (finally relenting) Fine, just… one last thing. No guns. You’ll do things “your way”, okay. But no guns.
[MURDOC raises his gloved hands as if in innocence.]
MURDOC: I have no guns. I promise.
[Cut to the main party again, where MURDOC is now loitering unbothered near a wall. MACGYVER joins him.]
MURDOC: Took you long enough. I said two and a half minutes.
MACGYVER: I didn’t know where you were going to be. I don’t know anything about this plan.
MURDOC: See that door? [He points to a door at the far end of the room, guarded by a pair of sturdy-looking men in suits.] Chaplin’s office. We need to get in, but he doesn’t let just anyone in there. The door is meticulously monitored by rounds of security professionals, so there’s no use in trying to sneak in. The plan is to simply convince them that we are interested in buying from him.
[MACGYVER gives MURDOC a perplexed look.]
MACGYVER: Really? That’s it? No… no pits of fire, no traps? We just walk in?
MURDOC: No. It’s not exactly best practice to spend so much time, money, and effort on pulling out all the stops on every job.
MACGYVER: So why do you do that with me?
MURDOC: (off-handedly) Because you’re special, of course.
[MURDOC leads MACGYVER over to CHAPLIN’s office door, dropping into a woman’s voice. He yanks MACGYVER closer to him into a pseudo-friendly pose and smiles.]
MURDOC: Good evening. My husband and I are interested in speaking with your employer.
[MACGYVER shoots MURDOC another incredibly confused— and this time somewhat distressed— look, mouthing “Husband?”]
MURDOC: We heard he’s the owner and organizer of a…
[There is a brief pause before MACGYVER jumps in.]
MACGYVER: A, uh, a business collective. For… entrepreneurs. To expand.
[The guards look skeptically over MACGYVER and MURDOC. They do not seem overly convinced. MURDOC laughs slightly, a little uncomfortably.]
MURDOC: We would like to invest. We want to pay him. Your employer.
[Off to the side, MR. ANDERSON is standing, watching the exchange. Suddenly, he visibly realizes who MACGYVER is. He begins shouting.]
MR. ANDERSON: You there! Sir! You need to come with me immediately!
[MACGYVER looks surprised. MURDOC looks angry, and does not curse because this is a family-friendly show even though he really, really wants to.]
MURDOC: (quietly, briefly out of the Sara voice) What have you done?
MACGYVER: (similarly quiet) I didn’t do anything.
[MR. ANDERSON begins crossing the room to MACGYVER and MURDOC, intent on seizing MACGYVER. MURDOC, however, steps in between them, back to his facade as MACGYVER’s wife.]
MURDOC: Please, I think you have the wrong man. My husband didn’t—
[MR. ANDERSON shoves MURDOC to the side. Impressively, MURDOC restrains himself yet again from barking expletives.]
MR. ANDERSON: Sir—
[MURDOC hits MR. ANDERSON over the head with his cane, taking his opponent out immediately. MACGYVER startles back, ducking as one of the guards tries to grab him as well.]
MURDOC: (in his normal voice) Well, there goes plan one. Time for plan two.
[MACGYVER punches his attacker, struggling with him for a few moments. MURDOC has now pulled his knife, and he dodges the other guard’s attack.]
MURDOC: Listen, I’m certain we can cut a deal—!
[MURDOC slashes at the guard and cuts his throat— though there is no blood because again, this is a family-friendly show.]
[A panic ensues. Other party members have noticed the scuffle and, at the sight of a woman violently killing a guard a head taller than her, people start screaming and fleeing.]
MURDOC: MacGyver! Run! Out the door; I’ll meet you down there!
[MACGYVER, rather than running for the door, goes for MURDOC, wresting the knife from his grasp. He throws the blade to the floor, far from where MURDOC is standing.]
MACGYVER: You said you didn’t have any weapons!
MURDOC: I said I didn’t have any guns, MacGyver; I never said I was unarmed! Get out now and I’ll handle this!
MACGYVER: Not if you’re going to kill more people!
[The surviving guard lunges for MACGYVER, who separates from MURDOC and dives to the floor. Ending up near a now-abandoned table, he swipes a few dishes from the dinner settings and whips the tablecloth off, sending the rest of the decorations crashing to the floor. He wraps the plates he took in the tablecloth, binding it with a jewelled wire napkin ring taken from one of the cloth napkins that have fallen. MACGYVER takes the fabric end of his makeshift club and swings it at the remaining guard’s head, knocking his attacker out cold. He looks back at MURDOC.]
MACGYVER: We need to leave.
[Cut to CHAPLIN, exiting his office to stand in the wreckage of the party. MR. BARRYMORE and MR. ANDERSON are waiting for him; MR. ANDERSON appears pained and is rubbing the back of his head.]
CHAPLIN: (with barely restrained rage) What happened here?
MR. ANDERSON: Two people. A man and a woman. They attacked, sir. Killed one of our men and left the other unconscious. They fled soon after.
CHAPLIN: The man… He wouldn’t happen to be our little investigator, would he?
MR. BARRYMORE: He is indeed, sir. And we got a name. MacGyver.
CHAPLIN: MacGyver… He’s a troublesome sort.
MR. BARRYMORE: Yes, he seems to be. We’re running a check on him now.
CHAPLIN: And the woman?
MR. ANDERSON: Unclear. We didn’t get a name, but she seems… rather proficient in combat. She was the one who instigated the conflict. We’ll try to find out more about her, but it may be difficult.
CHAPLIN: I don’t care if you have to traipse through the Amazon Rainforest to get the information; I want you to get it. This was clearly an attempt on my life. After everything I’ve built, everything I’ve done to get here, I won’t lose it all to a couple twits. Watch everything. I’m having a meeting with our new investors later today. Assure them that the debacle at the Phoenix Foundation gathering was simply a misunderstanding. No one died, no one got hurt, and most of all, no one is going to threaten our security. Understood?
MR. BARRYMORE and ANDERSON: Understood.
[CHAPLIN looks down at where the dead guard’s body still lay.]
CHAPLIN: And someone clean this mess up, will you?
[Cut to outside, where MACGYVER is trying to get on the phone with PETER THORNTON in a telephone booth. MURDOC is nowhere to be seen.]
MACGYVER: Hello? Hey, Pete? Listen, when you get this message— I’m going to be under the radar for a little while, okay? I know what happened at the party was bad, but— I’m trying to fix it. I can’t tell you any more than that right now, but know that I’m trying to fix it. Just trust me. I’ll talk to you soon.
[MACGYVER hangs up the phone and steps out onto the sidewalk to see MURDOC emerge from the alley, scraping the remains of prosthetic makeup off of his face to reveal the burn scars.]
MACGYVER: What was that in there?
MURDOC: That was me, handling the situation. Now we have one less person to deal with— which is good, considering how much harder it’ll be to get access to Chaplin.
MACGYVER: You didn’t have to kill him; you could’ve just knocked him out. I’ve seen you do it before.
MURDOC: Well, this is my world now, MacGyver. The real world. And sometimes, in real life, people need to die for you to get your way.
MACGYVER: Don’t you have any respect for them? Any empathy at all?
MURDOC: No. I don’t.
MACGYVER: They’re people, Murdoc. Real people. They have lives, and families, and… and everything you’ve got.
[Except for probably antisocial personality disorder. And probably other disorders. They probably don’t have those.]
MACGYVER: Don’t you feel bad for anything you’ve done?
MURDOC: That’s where you’re wrong, MacGyver. I don’t have a family. Not anymore. So I need to focus on my job. And we need a way back into Chaplin’s office.
MACGYVER: Well, it’s a Phoenix-sponsored event. If I can convince them I don’t mean any harm, they should let me in.
[MURDOC shakes his head.]
MURDOC: It was a Phoenix event, but it’s Chaplin’s building. Now that the event is over— now that we ended the event— it’ll be impossible to get in using the front door.
MACGYVER: Well…
[MACGYVER falls silent, the gears in his head beginning to turn. He slides out the stolen snake sculpture and turns it in his hands absently, an idea forming in his mind. This is where I need to get smart, cos MACGYVER’s about to MacGyver.]
MACGYVER: We were on the third floor, right?
MURDOC: Fourth. Chaplin's office is four stories up.
MACGYVER: I'm going to need… rope. Or something like rope, something like…
[MACGYVER pushes past MURDOC to the alley where MURDOC had peeled off his disguise, searching through the dumpster shoved against the wall. MURDOC looks distinctly disturbed by this.]
MURDOC: What are you doing? That’s disgusting.
MACGYVER: Cords. Bad cords for electronics. Maybe if someone’s thrown some away recently…
[Miraculously, MACGYVER finds a mess of broken electrical cords— someone had recently thrown out several nonfunctional electronics.]
MACGYVER: Bingo.
[MACGYVER gets to work sawing off the cords from their attachments with his Swiss Army knife, then once he’s done, he tosses it to MURDOC, along with the small serpent statue.]
MURDOC: (slightly unnerved) What am I supposed to do with this?
MACGYVER: Bend it up. You need to make it a kind of a hook shape; I’ll be tying these together. There’s little, uh, pliers in there; you can use those.
[MURDOC, though he has no idea what MACGYVER is planning, finds the pliers in the Swiss Army knife and starts twisting the wire, evidently not enthused by its original form and glad to be changing it.]
MACGYVER: (as he’s working) Do you, uh… have a light on you?
MURDOC: You don’t smoke.
MACGYVER: Don’t need it for smoking. That wire’s thin, but maybe if we heat it up enough, we can get it stronger. See, when metal gets hot enough to melt and fuses with other metal parts— in this case, the other wires in that snake— it changes the microstructure. The molecules get all out of place, and when they realign after the metal cools, the bond’s stronger. Which means the metal’s going to be more durable, and hopefully… [He gives a strong tug on one of the knots he’s tied.] It’ll hold a bit more weight.
[MURDOC draws a lighter from the purse he had been using earlier, which is now slung across his body like a satchel for convenience. He holds the wire in the flame, slowly fusing the smaller strands of wire into something slightly stronger. Would it hold someone’s weight? No, but bear with me here. I’m nothing but a college student who likes violent gay murderers. It’s MacGyver, let’s suspend our disbelief a tad.]
[MACGYVER soon finishes tying together the cords to construct a long rope, taking the newly-made hook from MURDOC and fastening it to one end. MACGYVER looks up at the window far above them— it is going to be quite the climb.]
MURDOC: How are you going to get that contraption latched to the window? How are we going to climb it? And, even assuming we succeed in both of those, how are you expecting to open a locked window four stories above the ground? This plan isn’t solid, MacGyver.
MACGYVER: It’s as solid as we’ve got right now. And anyway, I’m not the one who’s going to get this thing latched— what’s that thing you said once about you “never miss the same target twice”?
MURDOC: Oh no. No, no. You can’t possibly expect me to—
MACGYVER: So you’re not the best shot in the Homicide International Trust?
[MURDOC glares at MACGYVER, then takes the makeshift grappling hook with a jerk.]
MURDOC: Fine. If you really think this will work…
[MURDOC takes a step back to look at his target, then throws the hook. It flies up and, astoundingly, lodges firm in a hole in the mortar right next to the window. MURDOC pulls on the cords sharply; the rope does not give.]
[MURDOC gives MACGYVER a self-satisfied look.]
MURDOC: When Peter told you I was good, he wasn’t lying.
MACGYVER: Now all we have to do is climb it.
[MACGYVER grimaces as he looks up at the window, not exactly excited about the prospect of scaling the building. MURDOC looks at him expectantly.]
MURDOC: Well? Aren’t you going up?
MACGYVER: I don’t know, I— I got a thing with heights.
MURDOC: Of course I know about your fear of heights. You got over it on the Widowmaker, you can get over it now. This is nothing compared to a cliff face.
MACGYVER: Yeah, a cliff face where I had a harness. I already made the rope for you. I don’t even know if this’ll hold two people.
MURDOC: (starting to sound frustrated) I need you to come with me. It will work; it always works for you. Look, if you fall, I’ll— I’ll catch you.
MACGYVER: You’ll catch me?
MURDOC: Or at least we’ll both go down together.
MACGYVER: All right, all right. At least I can keep an eye on you if I go up, too.
[MACGYVER sighs, visibly steels himself, and takes hold of the cord rope. The rope creaks as he pulls himself up and shifts his weight to brace his feet against the side of the building, but the hook holds. He begins, warily, to climb, closely followed by MURDOC.]
[They climb a bit. There's not much to describe here. It's kind of like when MACGYVER had to run up the stairs to meet WINTERGREEN in “Cleo Rocks”. You know?]
[When MACGYVER reaches the window, he attempts to open it, only to find that it's locked.]
MACGYVER: You were right. It's locked.
[The hook in the wall slips ominously, but doesn't fall.]
MURDOC: Better work quickly, MacGyver.
[MACGYVER carefully moves one hand to his pocket, where he rummages for something and eventually pulls out a trusty paper clip. Twisting it open with his teeth, he jiggles the end in the lock. The hook slips again, and just as MACGYVER gets the window open and himself through, the rope falls. MURDOC makes a jump for it, grabbing the windowsill and pulling himself inside.]
[CHAPLIN is standing in the room with MR. ANDERSON and MR. BARRYMORE, watching in incredulity as MURDOC and MACGYVER make it into the office.]
CHAPLIN: Men! Get them!
MURDOC: That won't be necessary. What I’m about to tell you is, well…
[Before anyone can protest, MURDOC walks to the center of the room, halting just in front of CHAPLIN. He pulls a gun from his purse, cocks it, and smiles.]
MURDOC: It’s going to blow your mind.
[MURDOC presses the gun against CHAPLIN's head and pulls the trigger. The gun goes off with a bang, and blood splatters bright, burning red across MURDOC's face.]
[This is no longer a family-friendly show.]