Work Text:
Graham didn’t even feel tired anymore. His hands still shook and his eyes dully ached, but the desire for sleep had long since thrown itself out of the window along with any thoughts showering, eating, or anything except work. Between college and rescue work, Graham was sure he would’ve given up breathing if he could. The thought was almost humorous if it weren’t true. Graham was a workaholic, as pointed out jokingly by his family, but he was addicted to work. He couldn’t help it. Work kept his mind busy. That’s why he was thankful for such a fast- paced job; any down time would lead to boredom, and boredom would lead to anxiety.
Graham didn’t deny he had a problem, but he also wasn’t going to fix it. Avoiding it would work for now. He’d been confronted about it several times by not only his dad but also his siblings, Doctor Green, and some teachers when he was younger. He’d always brushed them off. Days later, he’d break down. He’d cry, and then allow himself to be convinced to eat and sleep. The vicious cycle wasn’t his whole life- he’d be off the rescue team by now if it were- but the fact that it happened at all was enough to be concerning.
Of course, he’d tried medicine. As soon as Chief had decided his “condition” would be an impediment to his work, he’d been referred to a physiatrist and prescribed antidepressants. When those didn’t work, they’d switched his pills. Seven times, actually, and all of them either didn’t work or made him ill. Eventually, he just called it quits and went back to his old routine.
He felt guilty. It wasn’t fair to them. Especially not to Cody, who was young and couldn’t understand why his brother didn’t want to come down for family night or eat dinner. It wasn’t fair to anyone really. An un-alert rescue worker was no rescue worker at all.
Maybe it was fair to him. He never spent time with his family anymore, or the bots, and he never even took care of himself. He deserved how awful he felt.
“Shut up”, Graham thought. He buried his face in his book. He knew where this train of thought was going, and though he agreed wholeheartedly, he was still sick of hearing it. He tried focusing on the equations in the book, but the numbers and symbols were switched around and fuzzy. Nothing made sense. He felt like crying.
“Graham”, Boulder called suddenly. He jumped.
“Yeah, buddy?” Graham smiled best he could. No need to upset anyone. “Something wrong?”
“Chief wanted us to check something out.” He shifted on his pedes and wrung his servos.
Graham glanced at his watch, “At three in the morning?”
“Yes.” Boulder was acting weird. Whatever the something was that they needed to check out must’ve been concerning, even for Griffon Rock. Cybertronian stuff, maybe? Graham stretched and yawned.
“’Kay”, he sighed.
So they drove. They rolled through the buzzing streetlights of town and past the docks, all the way out to the grassy unclaimed pastures near the woods. Graham felt hypnotized, almost high, as he stared out of the windshield. As the world came at him in a blur the stars above swirled dangerously, and the dark greens and blues of the night mixed like Boulder’s paint collection. It was strange and scary, but beautiful. His eyes ached. He squeezed Boulder’s steering wheel.
Boulder stopped in a grassy field, one Graham remembered his family often used for star-gazing. It was empty and silent. Weren’t they supposed to be on a rescue mission? Or at least they’d been told to “check something out”.
“What’s up Boulder?” Graham asked. “Is there something out here? Some kind of invisible machine Doc built that’s going haywire? A new bot you guys have to train?” His eyes swept over the field.
“No,” answered Boulder. “There’s… none of that. Graham, we need to talk.” His doors locked with a click. Suddenly, Graham new what all this was about, and he groaned. He’d expected to have another one of these talks eventually, but not this soon. And definitely not with Boulder. He tried shoving his door open, but to no avail. He was trapped.
Boulder’s face appeared on the dash screen. He looked guilty, Graham noticed, and slightly angry, but mostly he looked extremely worried. “Graham,” he said. “I know you don’t want to talk about this, I know. Chief told me. But it’s important.” Already feeling sick, Graham avoided making eye contact.
“I’m fine, Boulder. Just busy, you know how rescue work is.”
“You’re not fine,” insisted Boulder. “You’re running yourself ragged! When you’re not doing rescue work, you’re studying or tinkering. You don’t sleep, you don’t eat, you don’t go outside, you’re blood pressure is always high and your body is in severe need of vitamin D.”
Now shaking, fingers clenched around his seat, Graham started. Had Boulder really noticed all of that? Had he been scanning him? How could he do that without him noticing?
“I…” he faltered. “Didn’t know you knew…” How dumb of him. Of course he knew; the whole family did! Boulder huffed. Strange, thought Graham, Boulder was almost never angry.
“I do know Graham, and I’m worried,” his optics softened. “We’re all worried. Because we care about you.”
Graham sniffled. His breathing hitched and he couldn’t swallow. “I know,” he croaked. The first of many tears snaked their way down his cheeks as he spoke. “I’m sorry- I- I just…” Just what? Pulling off his glasses, he scrubbed at his eyes. He felt too warm and he couldn’t breathe… it was like he was suffocating. He swallowed against the tangle in his throat. Boulder was watching him, expression woeful, and Graham couldn’t bear to see his usually cheerful friend so upset because of him.
“You just what, Graham?” asked Boulder softly when Graham had calmed down a bit. “Talk to me.”
No sound came from Graham’s mouth for a moment when he opened it. He had to push the words out. “I can’t stop working…”
Graham expected Boulder to look confused, even disbelieving, but the bulldozer only nodded. “Do you know why?” he asked patiently.
“Because if I stop…then…” another wave of tears threatened to hit, but Graham forced them down. “If I stop, I-I’ll have… bad thoughts…” With that out it was harder not to cry. He’d never told anyone that before. Usually when he told others about his anxiety he’d leave it at “being really scared and depressed”. He wasn’t sure why he just told Boulder. Maybe things were just different with his friend, or maybe he was just tired of fighting. Either way it was too late to back out now. He already knew Boulder’s next question.
“What are the thoughts about, Graham?”
“That… ‘m a bad person”, he whispered, digging his nails into the seat without meaning to. “I’ll mess everything up. Hurt people, my family. You… ‘m so scared,” he let himself sob now, open and free. Boulder shifted under him and for one awful second Graham thought he was being abandoned, but no, he’d only transformed, and now held his human companion up against his chest. The night air was cool around him. It allowed him to breathe. Boulder’s metal was warm, but pleasantly so, and it vibrated in a soft and soothing way. He could hear Boulder’s spark beat. Feeling so much younger, Graham leaned against him and tried to even out his breaths.
“You’re not a bad person,” Boulder murmured. As he brushed a digit over the top of Graham’s head, his spark ached thinking of his human suffering all alone for so long. He was such a kind young man, always ready to help others. He deserved to be happy and love himself. Why couldn’t he see that like Boulder did? “You’re sweet and smart and brave. The team, your family, we all love you so much. We just want you to take care of yourself. You deserve to take care of yourself.” Primus, he hoped Graham believed him. He continued to comfort him as he cried against his chest.
They stayed together like that even as the first rays of sun peaked over the horizon. When Graham noticed this he didn’t feel like it’d been that long. He also realized he felt… tired. Exhausted even. He looked up at Boulder, who smiled down at him.
“Feel better?” the bot rumbled. Graham nodded.
“Kind of. ‘M just tired.” His stomach grumbled. “And hungry.” His eyes drooped as Boulder lifted him into his cab and transformed. Cool air wafted through the vents. He curled up on the seat and his bot rumbled with gentle laughter.
“Let’s go home”, Boulder said.
Graham pressed his forehead into the seat. “Thanks Buddy.”
“Of course, Graham.”
Graham, at that moment, may not have been okay, but he felt like he could try to become okay with time. As long as Boulder would be there to help him, he’d get there. For now though, there was no rush.
For now, he could sleep.