Work Text:
Is this Peter Benjamin Parker? DP
..And you just happen to know my full name, why? PP
You live with May Parker over in Queens? DP
Or, used to? DP
Yes. This is he. PP
Who are you? PP
Oh good! <3 So you would be the very same Petey-pie who takes those glorious pin-ups of Spiderman? DP
It's half of my job, yes. I guess you read the paper. PP
Eh. Not really. Unless I'm in it. DP
Right. PP
How did you even get my number? PP
Ohhh I've got my clever ways =^.^= DP
Do you want pictures of Spiderman then? Because other-wise, I can't help you. PP
Well I was thinkin'... being such a fan of your work and all... you're one lucky bug-a-lug to constantly be taking glamour shots of Spidey. DP
Pretty majorly awesome coincidence you are always right there. Lens at the ready. Perfect shot for the win. DP
I'm a rather skilled photographer. PP
Yeah? DP
Yes. That's why the paper hired me. PP
I take it you like Spiderman, then? Big fan? PP
Obvi. DP
And I've got a pretty crazy theory about you. DP
My Mercenary powers of deduction are buzzzzzzzing. DP
Yeah? And what's your theory? PP
That... YOU KNOW SPIDERMAN! DP
You're bros. You text and giggle and gossip about New York's finest. DP
You could definitely say that. I mean, I guess I know him. Better than most. PP
Knew it. DP
So!?!?!?! DP
So... what? He's just Spiderman. PP
Scoff. First of all: he's not "just" Spiderman, he's THE Spiderman. DP
And second: has he ever said anything about me???? <3 DP
Well, I don't know who you are, so I'll go with no? PP
Oh dear, where are my manners? DP
I'm Deadpool :) DP
Or in Japan, I'm "Red Death Panda" DP
Which has a nice ring to it, but all my cards already say Deadpool. DP
[Delay] You're kidding. PP
Nope! DP
He's uh- ... mentioned you I guess. PP
Oh. Em. Geeeeeee! DP
That's great! DP
I'm a big fan of his. He's so kawaii. DP
I mean, the first few times I met him, we fought. I even threw him off the Brooklyn bridge. DP
Bygones though, right? DP
Trust me, I haven't forgotten. PP
You haven't forgotten? DP
I mean, he told me about that. And it was on the news? PP
Dang. I missed it on the news? I like to tape my television appearances. DP
It's like a demo real. DP
Yeah, the news. PP
Ok but SINCE then we've chatted and stuff. Sometimes. DP
I mean, he kinda hates me. But everyone does. DP
And sometimes I make him laugh <3 DP
I wanna know if he's warmin' up to me. DP
Warming up to you. Right. PP
Well, I can't exactly say that. PP
Privacy, you know? PP
...So that's a no? DP
He's still kinda mad? DP
I'll just assume he still has bruises. And you aggravate him. PP
Aw nuts. DP
Guess it was too good to be true. DP
Maybe you should tone it down? PP
Impossible! I'm the Merc with the Mouth. DP
Chattering constantly and distracting my opponents is half the fun of this job! DP
It's genius. And you know it works, too. DP
I've heard you smack-talking and chattering away to your opponents too! DP
Admit it. You're a lil'sasifrass. DP
That's the method! PP
It just keeps them distracted until the cops show up! PP
Oh no no no, no. There's a difference between banter after they are subdued, and babbling while fighting. DP
He does both. DP
It's adorable. DP
So chatty. DP
We should be bros. DP
He's like a more subdued, nicer, less-violent PG13 version of me. DP
I don't think I'm /anything/ like you. PP
Pfft. Not you, nerd. DP
Obviously. DP
Spidey, I mean. DP
...I, uh. Right. I don't think he's anything like you either. PP
:) DP
I was curious if I could actually work my verbal gymnastics on you, and get you to admit to me what I think we both know. DP
And it kinda worked <3 DP
I don't know what you're talking about. PP
Uh huh. DP
Me neither. DP
;) DP
Clearly. PP
I'm hungry. DP
Wanna grab some food, baby boy? DP
Why do you always call me that? PP
Mmm. Do I? DP
I always call Spidey that. DP
I believe this is the first time we've "spoken". DP
You called me that earlier? PP
...Right? PP
I just scrolled up. Definitely didn't. DP
Oh. I guess I'm wrong. PP
HA! DP
Aw. I just wanna cuddle hug you and smoosh your adorable face! DP
You don't even know what I look like. And we've never met. PP
Not without a layer of spandex between us. Nope. DP
I respect your privacy. DP
I'm sorry I threw you off that bridge. DP
If I'd know how old you really were, I woulda stopped. DP
Not cool to pick on kids. DP
...I'm not a kid. PP
Fine. Teenager. DP
Forget about the bridge thing. I never hit the water anyways. PP
Phew. DP
Although I'm sure you in wet spandex woulda been a sight. DP
You left right afterwords. PP
Sure did. DP
You wouldn't have seen me anyways. PP
We'll have a waterballoon fight next time we meet, k? DP
Or we won't. I'm not a fan of water. PP
Because your ancestors got washed off the Great Waterspout? DP
Funny. PP
I'm here all night! DP
I was bitten not born from a spider, by the way. So no, it wasn't my ancestors in the nursery rhyme. PP
P-Titty, it was a joke. DP
I'm sure your origin story is way cooler. DP
Eh, not really. PP
But, yeah. Better than coming out of a spider. PP
Less gross, too. DP
I don't think anyone would want to start life by emerging out of a spider sac. DP
Sounds terrifying. DP
Can you make sacs, Pete? DP
I'm not texting you anymore. PP
Can I please go back to work? PP
Oh? More selfies? DP
I'll take pictures of you. For free. DP
Thanks, I'm good you creepo. PP
Fine. I'll just continue to take secret pictures of you when you're not looking. DP
...Wow, Wade. Livin' up to that 'creepo' thing for real, huh? PP
Eeeee! You know my real name <3 DP
You're not quiet about it. PP
Everyone knows your name. PP
The world is my "Cheers!" DP
Wanna be the Diane to my Sam? DP
You're prissy and arrogant and smarter than me. It'll be perfect. DP
We could cosplay it too, probably. I'm sure I have a blonde wig kickin' around somewhere. DP
....What the fluff are you even talking about?! PP
Aw. What the 'fluff'. DP
You're so CUTE! xoxoxox DP
Goodbye, Wade. PP
I'll txt you later, baby boy ( ˊᵕˋ )♡.°⑅ DP